Stargate Quotables



Jack O'Neill

"Stargate SG-1: Children of the Gods (#1.1)" (1997)
Samuels: I'm Major Samuels.
Jack O'Neill: Air Force?
Samuels: Yes, sir. I'm the general's executive officer.
Jack O'Neill: Want a little piece of advice, Major? Get 'reass' to NASA. That's where all the action's gonna be. Out there.

[Unsure whether Ra is dead or alive]
George Hammond: Are you sure he's dead, Colonel?
Jack O'Neill: Unless he can survive a tactical nuclear warhead blown up in his face, positive.

[Preparing to send a message to Daniel on Abydos]
Jack O'Neill: General, we don't need that probe.
Kawalsky: We don't?
Jack O'Neill: Nope. This'll do.
[O'Neill grabs a box of Kleenex]

George Hammond: Where's Captain Carter?
Samuels: Just arriving, sir.
Jack O'Neill: Carter?
George Hammond: I'm assigning Sam Carter to this mission.
Jack O'Neill: I'd prefer to put together my own team, sir.
George Hammond: Not on this mission. Sorry. Carter's our expert on the Stargate.
Jack O'Neill: Where's he transferring from?
Samantha Carter: [Carter enters the room] She is transferring from the Pentagon. I take it you're Colonel O'Neill. Captain Samantha Carter reporting, sir.

[preparing to go through the Stargate to Abydos]
Jack O'Neill: Captain?
Samantha Carter: Don't worry, Colonel. I won't let you down.
Jack O'Neill: Good. I was gonna say, "Ladies first."
Samantha Carter: You know, you really will like me when you get to know me.
Jack O'Neill: Oh, I adore you already, Captain.

[looking the Abydos Stargate's DHD]
Samantha Carter: Amazing. This is what was missing from the dig at Giza. This is how they controlled it. It took us 15 years and three supercomputers to MacGyver a system for the gate on Earth.
Jack O'Neill: Captain?
Samantha Carter: Look how small it is!

[O'Neill smells a drink that Skaara has brought for the team to drink at dinner]
Jack O'Neill: Moonshine?
Skaara: Moon... shine.
Jack O'Neill: Yeah. Moonshine. As in booze. Daniel, what are you teaching these kids?
Skaara: Try it.
Jack O'Neill: Alright. Skaara's Moonshine. I'll give it a little shot.
[O'Neill sips it and spits it out in an explosive burst]
Jack O'Neill: Whoa!
[the team and villagers are laugh]
Jack O'Neill: [hoarsely] Smooth. Very smooth.
Skaara: Moonshine!
Kawalsky: Our little soldiers are all grown up, Colonel.
Jack O'Neill: Yeah. I'm so proud.

Jack O'Neill: Daniel, for crying out loud, you've had one beer. Cheaper date than my wife was.
Daniel Jackson: Yes. When am I going to meet your wife?
Jack O'Neill: Oh. Probably, ah, never. After I came back from Abydos the first time, she'd already left.
Daniel Jackson: I'm sorry.
Jack O'Neill: Yeah, so was I. I think, in her heart, she forgave me for what happened to our kid. She just... couldn't forget.
Daniel Jackson: And what about you?
Jack O'Neill: I'm the opposite. I'll never forgive myself. But sometimes I can forget... Sometimes.

Teal'c: What is this?
Jack O'Neill: It's a watch.
Teal'c: This is not Goa'uld technology. Where are you from?
Jack O'Neill: Earth. Chicago, if you wanna be specific.
Teal'c: Your words mean nothing. Where are you from?
Daniel Jackson: Ah, excuse me.
[Daniel draws the gate symbol representing Earth in the dirt]
Daniel Jackson: This is where we're from.
[Teal'c looks at it and then leaves the room]

[Teal'c has just helped SG-1 and prisoners escape from the Gou'ald]
Jack O'Neill: Hey, come on!
Teal'c: I have nowhere to go.
Jack O'Neill: For this, you can stay at my place. Let's go.

George Hammond: What's he doing here?
Jack O'Neill: General Hammond, this is Teal'c. He can help us.
George Hammond: Do you know what he is?
Jack O'Neill: Yes, sir. I do. He's the man who saved our lives. And if you accept my recommendation, sir, he'll join SG-1.

[Daniel is thinking about Sha're]
Daniel Jackson: She's out there somewhere, Jack.
Jack O'Neill: I know. So's Skaara.
Daniel Jackson: So what do we do?
Jack O'Neill: We find 'em.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: I can save these people. Help me! Help me.
Teal'c: Many have said that. But you are the first I believe could do it.

Sam Carter: I'm an Air Force officer just like you are, Colonel. And just because my reproductive organs are on the inside instead of the outside doesn't mean I can't handle whatever you can handle.
Jack O'Neill: Oh, this has nothing to do with you being a woman. I like women. I've just got a little problem with scientists.
Sam Carter: Oh, Colonel, I logged over 100 hours in enemy airspace during the Gulf War. Is that tough enough for you... or are we gonna have to arm wrestle?

General Hammond: You ever think of writing a book about your exploits in the line of duty?
Jack O'Neill: I've thought about it. But then I'd have to shoot anyone that actually read it.

[O'Neill has sent a box of tissues through the gate for Daniel]
Major Samuels: What if the aliens get it?
Jack O'Neill: Well, they could be blowin' their noses right now.

Jack O'Neill: Oh, come on, Samuels. Let me be the cynic around here, okay?

Samantha Carter: [Seeing the Control Plinth of the Gate at Abydos for the first time] Amazing.
Samantha Carter: But, this is what was missing from the dig at Giza.
Samantha Carter: [Touches the central boss] This is how they controlled it.
Samantha Carter: It took us fifteen years and three supercomputers to 'MacGyver' a system for the Gate on Earth.
Jack O'Neill: Captain.
Samantha Carter: Look how small it is.
Jack O'Neill: Captain!

Jack O'Neill: Oh here we go, another scientist. General, please.
Samantha Carter: Theoretical astrophysicist.
Jack O'Neill: Which means...?
George Hammond: It means she's smarter than you are.

"Stargate SG-1: Fragile Balance (#7.3)" (2003)
Colonel Jack O'Neill: [the Asgard Loki has cloned O'Neill] Hey! We just saved your flat little white asses from the Replicators. This is the thanks we get?
Young Jack O'Neill: Hey, at least you're gonna live.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: [everyone looks at Young O'Neill] What?
Young Jack O'Neill: Maybe you're a little put out, but this guy didn't hit all the right buttons on the Xerox.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: How long was I asleep?
Major Samantha Carter: Seven days.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: That's a record.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: I just woke up, haven't had coffee, let alone a pee in seven days, and I find out you stole my ass and made a... mini me.

Young Jack O'Neill: [from outside] Thought I'd just drop by and say- Ow!
Security Force Officer: [from outside] Sir, please do not resist.
Young Jack O'Neill: [from outside] Hey, ease up, big guy!
Major Samantha Carter: [to the pilots] ... stay focused.
Security Force Officer: [from outside] Relax, sir.
Young Jack O'Neill: [from outside] Okay, I'm warning you...
Security Force Officer: [from outside] Sir, please, stay there
Young Jack O'Neill: [from outside] Didn't I just say I was warning you? Hey! Oh! All right! That's it! Now, I'm mad!
Major Samantha Carter: [Sam opens the door to see the young Colonel O'neill pinned to a wall by two Security Force Officers] You can release him.
Young Jack O'Neill: [the guards release him] I'll forgo the charges for assaulting a superior officer. Carter... I could've taken him.
Major Samantha Carter: I'm sure

Young Jack O'Neill: I don't get it. We helped save their skinny asses from the replicators and as a thanks they shrink me and leave me to die.

[Hammond shows Carter the individual who tried to enter the SGC with O'Neill's security ID]
Major Samantha Carter: He's a boy, sir.
Young Jack O'Neill: As it turns out, Carter, yes I am. For the moment.

[the guard hands a mug to Young Jack]
Young Jack O'Neill: Finally!
[takes a sip]
Young Jack O'Neill: Hot chocolate? Are you kidding?

Young Jack O'Neill: Look, last night, I ate some dinner, had a beer, went to bed and woke up like this. Now can we please just get to the part where you and Fraiser run some tests, find a cure, make me big again?

[Daniel walks into the holding room]
Young Jack O'Neill: Daniel, will you tell them who I am? Please?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Okay, love to. Who are you?

Dr. Daniel Jackson: What's goin' on?
Young Jack O'Neill: Daniel!
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Sounds like him. At least the loud, grating part.

Young Jack O'Neill: Had your Tretonin yet this morning?
Teal'c: [turning to the others] How could this child possess such knowledge?

Young Jack O'Neill: You know, ah, I think you two are enjoying this just a little too much.
Major Samantha Carter: Well, you are kinda cute.
Young Jack O'Neill: That's 'sir' to you, and being trapped inside a scrawny little body isn't my idea of cute, Carter.

Teal'c: Do you not experience increased health and vitality?
Young Jack O'Neill: My *vitality* was just fine, thank you.

Young Jack O'Neill: I don't plan on staying like this.
Major Samantha Carter: Well, in the meantime, may I make a suggestion? Try enjoying this as much as we are... sir.

Teal'c: [looking in O'Neill's refrigerator] Are you conducting some sort of scientific experiment, O'Neill?
Young Jack O'Neill: Hey, come one, that salsa's still good.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: There's no easy way to tell you this, so... Sam's just gonna come out and say it.
Major Samantha Carter: Well, sir, as you know, the Asgard depend on a cloning technology...
Young Jack O'Neill: Oh, for cryin' out loud!
Teal'c: You have been cloned, O'Neill.
Young Jack O'Neill: [turning to face them] What!

"Stargate SG-1: Window of Opportunity (#4.6)" (2000)
Jack O'Neill: [talking to the General about the loop] If it was just me I'd agree. But what about Teal'c? Come on! Is this the face of a crazy man?
[cuts to Teal'c looking very peculiar]
Jack O'Neill: Bad example.

Jack O'Neill: What kind of archaeologist carries a weapon?
Daniel Jackson: [raising his hand] Uh, I do.
Jack O'Neill: Bad example.

Jack O'Neill: [during the briefing] Anyway I don't know why none of you remember any of this! But I do know for a fact there's no point in having ole Doc Frasier examine us AGAIN!
[everyone stares at O'Neill. Cut to O'Neill being examines by Dr. Fraiser]
Jack O'Neill: I ask you... What could possibly be in my eye that would explain this?

Jack O'Neill: What kind of archaeologist carries a gun?
Daniel Jackson: Uh, I do.
Jack O'Neill: Okay, bad example.

Colonel: [stuck in a timeloop] If we don't find a way out of this soon, I'm gonna lose it.
[Teal'c looks questioningly at him]
Colonel: Lose it... It means go crazy, nuts, insane, bonzo, no longer in possession of ones faculties, three fries short of a Happy Meal, wacko!

Jack O'Neill: Uh, excuse me, George.
[hands the General some papers]
Major General George Hammond: Colonel, what are you doing out of uniform?
Jack O'Neill: Handing you my resignation.
Major Samantha Carter: You're resigning? What for?
Jack O'Neill: So I can do this.
[kisses Carter and the loop resets]

[Jack's hitting golf balls through the Stargate]
Major General George Hammond: [shouting] Colonel O'Neill, what the hell are you doing?
Jack O'Neill: [shouting back] In the middle of my backswing?

Jack O'Neill: Weren't we just somewhere else?
Daniel Jackson: Where?
Jack O'Neill: Some planet.
Daniel Jackson: When?
Jack O'Neill: Just now.
Daniel Jackson: No.
Jack O'Neill: Sure?
Daniel Jackson: Yeah.

Jack O'Neill: I distinctly remember sitting here, listening to Carter prattle on about solar activity and a... corona... something.
Major Samantha Carter: Coronal mass emissions - I was just about to bring it up.
Jack O'Neill: There you go, how would I know that?
Major Samantha Carter: Maybe you read my report.
Daniel Jackson: Maybe he *read* your report?

Teal'c: Events do appear to be repeating themselves.
Daniel Jackson: Since when?
Jack O'Neill: Since we went to P4X-639.
Major Samantha Carter: We haven't been to P4X-639.
Jack O'Neill: Yes we have.
[to Daniel]
Jack O'Neill: "No we haven't." That's what you were gonna say.
Daniel Jackson: Of course that's what I was gonna say.
Jack O'Neill: Okay, bad example.

Jack O'Neill: Well if you're lookin' for help translating it, you're barking up the wrong genius.

Jack O'Neill: You know the worst part about this? Every time we loop Daniel asks me a question, and I wasn't listening the first time.
Teal'c: You're not the only one to suffer some discomfort, O'Neill.
[loop resets; cut to Teal'c getting hit by a door]

[Teal'c and Jack are playing golf through an active Stargate]
Jack O'Neill: How far away is Alaris anyway?
Teal'c: Several billion miles, O'Neill.
Jack O'Neill: That's gotta be a record.
[Jack swings again]

Daniel Jackson: On the other hand, it's kind of an opportunity.
Jack O'Neill: How's that?
Daniel Jackson: Well think about it, I mean if you knew in advance that everything was going to go back to the way it was then...
[Teal'c stops writing to listen to the conversation]
Daniel Jackson: you could do anything. For as long as you want, without having to worry about consequences.
[pause O'Neill rises from his chair]
Jack O'Neill: Excuse me.
[O'Neill leaves. Teal'c nods to Jackson and also leaves]

Jack O'Neill: Listen to me I know what it's like.
Malikai: You can't!
Jack O'Neill: I LOST MY SON!... I KNOW!... AND AS MUCH AS I - I could NEVER relive that again! Could you?
Malikai: ...No.
Jack O'Neill: Let her go.

"Stargate: Atlantis: The Return: Part 2 (#3.11)" (2006)
Richard Woolsey: That sounded like an explosion.
Major General Jack O'Neill: Because it was.
Richard Woolsey: Is Sheppard attacking the city?
Major General Jack O'Neill: Better be.

Richard Woolsey: That sounded like another explosion.
Major General Jack O'Neill: Yes, yes it did.
Richard Woolsey: What does that mean?
Major General Jack O'Neill: Something exploded.

Major General Jack O'Neill: He said he'd be back in a couple of hours. That gives him a good - 11 seconds.

Major General Jack O'Neill: Whatcha doing?
Talus: Probing your mind.
Major General Jack O'Neill: Kinda roomy, ain't it?

Major General Jack O'Neill: I'll tell you what. You look around and I'll tell you if you're getting warmer or colder, alright?
Talus: Ah, there it is.
Major General Jack O'Neill: So, hot I guess?

Richard Woolsey: He put his hand in my forehead. How can you resist that?
Major General Jack O'Neill: Well I like to close my eyes and think of England.

Richard Woolsey: General! General!
Major General Jack O'Neill: [peeking around a corner] And if I'm a replicator?
Richard Woolsey: Then I've just exposed my position.
Major General Jack O'Neill: Again!
Richard Woolsey: I'm sorry I'm not very good at this.
[O'Neill hands him an energy bar and Woolsey rips it open]
Richard Woolsey: I'm starving. Was this all you could find?
Major General Jack O'Neill: Actually, there was a lovely buffet.
Richard Woolsey: How'd the recon go?
Major General Jack O'Neill: Well Stargate Ops is crawling with them. There's no way we'll make it across to the Jumper Bay.
Richard Woolsey: Are they looking for us?
Major General Jack O'Neill: I plumb forgot to ask.

Cetus: What were you doing in the flooded sections of the city?
Major General Jack O'Neill: The backstroke... I think.
Talus: What were you planning?
Major General Jack O'Neill: Well I was planning to retire, but man is that over rated. You know I'm not a workaholic or anything but, I need to stay active... you know, in the community... it's a health, maintinance sort of thing.

Major General Jack O'Neill: Sounds more like a Plan F, doesn't it? As in, "We are totally..."

Major General Jack O'Neill: [to Sheppard, after being told who has come to rescue him] Dr. Beckett, is it? Well I'm comforted.
Dr. Carson Beckett: [whispering] What's that supposed to mean?

Richard Woolsey: As long as the life signs detectors aren't working in these damaged areas, we should be able to hold out until they rescue us.
Major General Jack O'Neill: Uh, Richard, there's not going to be a rescue.
Richard Woolsey: What?
Major General Jack O'Neill: Landry has standing orders to nuke the city if there's any sign of a foothold situation.
Richard Woolsey: What kind of a standing order is that?
Major General Jack O'Neill: Mine.

Major General Jack O'Neill: Please, don't be offended as I express my surprise that Landry would send you on a mission like this.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Well, sir, General Landry didn't sanction this mission.
Major General Jack O'Neill: So, am I to assume you are not surrounded by heavily armed SG teams and young strapping marines?
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: You've got Colonel Sheppard, Ronon, Teyla, McKay, myself and Dr Beckett.
Major General Jack O'Neill: Ooh! Dr Beckett, is it? Well, I'm comforted.
Dr. Carson Beckett: What's that supposed to mean?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: We've got a plan, sir. A good one.
Major General Jack O'Neill: Yes, Colonel, I'm sure you do. But in the unlikely event you don't fail miserably, you're fired.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Yes, sir. Look forward to that.

"Stargate SG-1: Exodus (#4.22)" (2001)
Teal'c: The propulsion system and communication array have been damaged beyond repair.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Ah, that's good. Because according to my calculations we are roughly in the middle of nowhere. Give or take.

Jacob Carter/Selmak: You have to take that to the secondary cargo hold. We need to make room for the Stargate.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Hey! Don't scuff the walls. I want this ship back the way we found it.

Jacob Carter/Selmak: My mission is to oversee the relocation of the Tok'ra base. What's yours again?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Protect Earth's big fat asset.

Major Samantha Carter: This is the sun that Vorash is orbiting. It's a regular main sequence star with a core temperature of about fifteen million degrees and enough hydrogen to burn for another five billion years.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Yeah?
Jacob Carter/Selmak: We wanna blow it up.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Wow.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: That's, uh...
Colonel Jack O'Neill, Dr. Daniel Jackson: Ambitious.

Major Samantha Carter: I've just never blown up a star before.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Well, they say the first one's always the hardest.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: [after ringing down from their, formerly Cronus's, mothership.] Hey kids, we're not parked in a red zone, are we?

Tanith: I must say, Colonel, I was most intrigued by the means of your arrival.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Yeah, it's a sweet ride. Little rusty, but it's got a lotta zip.
Tanith: How, exactly, did a Gou'ald mothership come into your possession?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: It was kind of a trade deal.
Tanith: How so?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Cronus gave us his ship and he... got what was coming to him.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: [Regarding Tanith] That guy is a living cliché.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: [O'Neill returns after helping Teal'c search for Tanith] Did you find anything?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: No, he's still looking.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: You've been out there for hours.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Yeah, it's a whole Jaffa revenge thing.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: [O'Neill and Teal'c's glider is damaged in combat] Mayday! Mayday! We are *so* goin' in.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: This is *so* the last I help someone move.

"Stargate SG-1: Rules of Engagement (#3.9)" (1999)
Captain Kyle Rogers: You are all casualties until 1400 hours.
Jack O'Neill: Would that be Daylight Savings or Standard?

Jack O'Neill: Master Teal'c, might I suggest we spare them this time?
Teal'c: Very well... underling.

Samantha Carter: Teal'c, what about these?
Teal'c: They are intar.
Jack O'Neill: Short for?
Teal'c: Intar.

Jack O'Neill: He also wanted me to tell you that the whole, "invasion of the Tau'ri" idea has been cancelled due to... rain.

Captain Kyle Rogers: My lord?
Jack O'Neill: Actually, we just call him General Hammond.

General Hammond: I'd like to debrief A.S.A.P., Colonel.
Jack O'Neill: Yes, my lord.

Jack O'Neill: Ol' Doc Fraiser says you haven't been eating.
Captain Kyle Rogers: It's poison.
Jack O'Neill: It's hospital food. Of course it is.

Captain Kyle Rogers: I will reveal nothing. You may begin torturing me.
Jack O'Neill: Oh, I've already begun. This is the infamous tuna torture.

Jack O'Neill: Get the vacuum.
Captain Kyle Rogers: Vocume.
Jack O'Neill: Whatever! Get it!

Captain Kyle Rogers: [slyly] Corn and cotton are indigenous to North America.
Jack O'Neill: And that information could save your life one day.

Jack O'Neill: Is everyone clear on that? Daniel?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: What?
Jack O'Neill: Good.

"Stargate SG-1: Moebius: Part 2 (#8.20)" (2005)
[versions of Jack O'Neill, Samantha Carter and Teal'c have travelled back in time to Egypt in the year 2995 B.C. where they meet the Daniel Jackson of the original timeline]
Daniel Jackson: Well, this can't be a good sign.
Jack O'Neill: Why's that?
Daniel Jackson: Where am I?
Jack O'Neill: Ancient Egypt?
Daniel Jackson: No, I mean the me from your timeline.
Teal'c: I killed you.
Daniel Jackson: Why?
Teal'c: You were a Goa'uld spy.
Daniel Jackson: Good reason.
Sam Carter: It was horrible.
Daniel Jackson: [not really interested] Yeah, I'm sure. Why are you here?
Jack O'Neill: Yes, excellent question.
Daniel Jackson: You don't know?
Jack O'Neill: Well, I thought I did, there, for a while, and then I realized I... didn't.
Daniel Jackson: Well, I know why *I'm* here.
Jack O'Neill: Good! Let's start there.

Sam Carter: [studdering nervously] I'm-I'm kind of attracted to Daniel.
Jack O'Neill: [long pause with blank expression then incredulously] What?
[long pause while stepping closer and then again incredulously]
Jack O'Neill: Really?

Jack O'Neill: How's it goin'?
Sam Carter: Never seen this kind of technology before.
Jack O'Neill: Hey, you're supposed to be a genius. That's why I brought you along.
Sam Carter: I'm working on it. I think the power relay was overloaded. I may be able to reroute the circuit to the control interface...
[pauses and sees Jack staring at her]
Sam Carter: What?
Jack O'Neill: It's just a little weird hearing that kind of stuff come out of someone so...
Sam Carter: [apparently taking offence at what she thinks Jack is about to say] So what?
Jack O'Neill: Hot.
Sam Carter: [chokes, then stutters] Really?
Jack O'Neill: Yeah.
Sam Carter: [pauses] Wow. Um... it's just... you-you're not the kind of guy that I usually attract.
Jack O'Neill: No?
Sam Carter: No.
[sputters]
Sam Carter: Heh, God. Wow. This is kinda awkward.
Jack O'Neill: Yeah, it's gettin' there.
Sam Carter: I'm kinda... attracted to-to Daniel.
Jack O'Neill: [long pause] What?
[Sam shrugs, he pauses again; then incredulously]
Jack O'Neill: Really?
Sam Carter: Sorry.
Jack O'Neill: No, that's okay, no problem there, I just, you know... first impressions, I thought he was...
[he pauses, Sam looks confused, he does hand motion for "gay," but sees Sam doesn't understand]
Jack O'Neill: Nevermind.

Sam Carter: Didn't that tape say there were no fish in your pond?
Jack O'Neill: Close enough.

Sam Carter: Look, if we don't make it...
[kisses Jack]
Jack O'Neill: [angrily] Wait a minute! You said you liked Daniel.
Sam Carter: I lied.

Lieutenant General George Hammond: I'm allowing the use of this ship because of the obvious tactical advantage it provides you. Under no circumstances is it to be used to travel through time. Understood?
Jack O'Neill: Yes, sir.
Lieutenant General George Hammond: Never in my life would I have imagined giving that order.

Daniel Jackson: Wait a minute. I thought the reason why we brought the ship was so that we didn't have to walk.
Sam Carter: You can't just fly into an alien city. The mission is stealth recon. Meaning undetected.
Jack O'Neill: Meaning *shut up*!

Dr. Rodney McKay: [to Hammond] I give this no more than a 50/50 chance of working.
Lieutenant General George Hammond: According to the tape, it worked for eight years.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Hm.
Daniel Jackson: [wormhole is established] Wow.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, I'm certainly glad it's not me going through that... um... thing.
Jack O'Neill: Any idea what to expect?
Sam Carter: Not really. According to the tape, we're going to be de-molecularized, transmitted over two thousand light-years through subspace, and then, uh, remolecularized on the other side.
Major Charles Kawalsky: I did not need to know that.
Jack O'Neill: OK.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Gateship 1, you're go for launch.
Jack O'Neill: Gate ship?
Daniel Jackson: [with hand gesture] Well, it's a ship that goes through the gate.
Jack O'Neill: [somewhat reluctantly] Alright.
Dr. Rodney McKay: [to Hammond] What? It's a ship that goes through the gate. Gateship.
[pause]
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, I thought it was clever.

Sam Carter: Look, if we don't make it...
[kisses Jack]
Jack O'Neill: Wait a minute! I thought you liked Daniel.
Sam Carter: I lied. I just wanted to get to know you better. You see, I'm a very cautious person, and I tend to take things-
[Jack interrupts, kissing her]

Daniel Jackson: [into the radio] Sam, Jack, it's all clear. You can come out now.
Jack O'Neill: [into the radio] In a minute.
[turns back to Sam. Daniel flicks his eyes nervously, viewing the celebration; Jack resumes kissing Sam]
Sam Carter: [muffled, after something in the ship sends out sparks] I can fix that.

Sam Carter: [Takes gun extended to her] I don't really Like Guns.
Jack O'Neill: Neither do I, how do you feel about explosives?

"Stargate SG-1: Lost City: Part 1 (#7.21)" (2004)
Major Samantha Carter: And then it will overwhelm his nervous system, and the colonel will...
Colonel Jack O'Neill: What? Meet my maker? Pay the piper? Reach the pearly gates? Start pushin' up daisies here and there?

Colonel Jack O'Neill: Wanna glass? I can wash one.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: Is that doughnuts?
Teal'c: Indeed.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: [impersonating Mr. Burns] Ex-cellent!

Dr. Daniel Jackson: Teal'c's like one of the deepest people I know. I mean, he's *so* deep. Go on, t-tell them how deep you are! You'll be lucky if you understand this.
Teal'c: [lifts one eyebrow] My depth is immaterial to this conversation.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Ooh! See?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: No more beer for you.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: [Hammond has accepted O'Neill's offer of beer] I hope you like Guinness, sir. I find it a refreshing substitute for... food.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: [about the president and vice-president] Does anyone know anyone who voted for those two shrubs?

[Anubis is planning to attack in three days]
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Three days from now's a Thursday. Thursday's not good for us.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir: I understand time is short.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Actually, it's all relative, ma'am. Carter could explain better if we had more time.

[Jack has filled a crossword with Ancient words]
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Jack, this is it.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Now see, I assume we still speak the same language, mostly.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Sphere: Planet. Label: Name.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Following still you not!

Major Samantha Carter: [Takes a folded up crossword puzzle from Jack] The fate of the world is hanging in the balance and you've been sitting in your truck finishing this?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: I believe it was double or nothing.
Major Samantha Carter: OK, 23 across, the atomic weight of Boron. The answer is ten.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Yes?
Major Samantha Carter: You wrote the word 'fat.'
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Your point?

"Stargate SG-1: Urgo (#3.16)" (2000)
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Wow, this coffee's great!
Samantha Carter: I was just thinking that.
Jack O'Neill: Yeah, is that cinnamon?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: It's, uh, it's chicory
Jack O'Neill: [contemplative] Hm, chicory.
[Teal'c unscrews the lid from the coffee pot and drinks the contents]
Samantha Carter: Teal'c?
[He continues to drink as everyone looks, then finishes]
Jack O'Neill: Isn't that hot?
Teal'c: Extremely.
[the others look shocked]
General George S. Hammond: Just stay on the base. We're going to need to keep and eye on you for the time being.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: I feel fine.
Teal'c: As do I, Daniel Jackson.
General George S. Hammond: For someone who just drank a half gallon of steaming hot coffee?
Jack O'Neill: Right.

General George S. Hammond: Can we determine what threat they pose?
Jack O'Neill: Apparently all desserts on base are in grave danger.

Urgo: I wanna live! I wanna experience the universe! And I wanna eat pie!
Jack O'Neill: Who doesn't?

Teal'c: Appearances may be deceiving.
Jack O'Neill: One man's ceiling is another man's floor.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: A fool's paradise is a wise man's hell.
Jack O'Neill: Never run with... scissors?

Jack O'Neill: I know, General. It's all fun and games until someone breaks a nail.

Jack O'Neill: "Au revoir"... it's French. It means "ciao".

Samantha Carter: Well, he can't actually make us do anything we don't want to, sir.
Dr. Janet Fraiser: Then why did I have to treat your arm for a burn? Didn't you say Urgo was responsible?
Urgo: I didn't mean to!
Samantha Carter, Jack O'Neill, Dr. Daniel Jackson: He didn't mean to.
Teal'c: It was not his intention.

Urgo: You are so smart, Samantha. I love that about you.
Jack O'Neill: Carter?
Samantha Carter: The technology implanted in our brains, sir. We're looking at some sort of visual communication interface; controlled hallucination.
Jack O'Neill: So... I... Be- What?
Urgo: He gets confused. By the way, who is Mary Steenburgen?

General George S. Hammond: Can these devices be removed?
Dr. Janet Fraiser: Not without causing irreparable brain damage, sir.
Jack O'Neill: What's the down side?

Dr. Janet Fraiser: [about Urgo] Okay, so what does he look like?
Jack O'Neill: A famous tenor.

"Stargate SG-1: Fallen (#7.1)" (2003)
Jack O'Neill: [Daniel, human again after being ascended, has no recollection of who he is] You were a member of my team, SG-1. You're a friend of mine. Last year, you died.
Daniel Jackson: I'm dead?
Jack O'Neill: Obviously not.

Khordib: [on meeting SG-1 for the first time, clears his throat] Greetings.
Jonas Quinn: Greetings. We're... travelers from a planet called Earth.
Khordib: You came through the chaapa'ai?
Jonas Quinn: The stargate... Chaapa'ai.
Khordib: He is Jaffa.
Jack O'Neill: No, but he plays one on T.V.

Shamda: No one can be a friend if you know not whether to trust them.
Jack O'Neill: Don't judge a book by its cover.
Shamda: Enemies promises were made to be broken.
Jack O'Neill: And yet honesty *is* the best policy.
Shamda: He that has too many friends has none.
Jack O'Neill: Ah, but, birds of a feather...
Shamda: I'm unfamiliar with that story.

[Daniel has been cleared to attend a briefing after having lost his memory]
Daniel Jackson: Besides, who am I gonna tell? I mean I don't, uh, I don't remember anybody, right?
Jack O'Neill: Good one.
Daniel Jackson: Thanks, Jim.

Daniel Jackson: Look, all I know is that the place you're searching right now is not it.
Jack O'Neill: Then, where is *it*?
Daniel Jackson: Did I just say, "all I know"?
Jack O'Neill: Everyone turn away. I want no witnesses.

Jack O'Neill: All I'm sayin', just for the record, this is the wackiest plan we've ever come up with.
[starts walking towards General Hamonds Office]
Major Samantha Carter: [as O'Neill passes] Wackier than strapping an active Stargate to the bottom of the X-302?
Jack O'Neill: [still walking] Oh, yeah.
Major Samantha Carter: [calling after O'Neill] Wackier than-than blowing up a sun?
Jack O'Neill: [over his shoulder] Yep.
Major Samantha Carter: [slightly resigned] He's probably right.

Jack O'Neill: Yeah, I thought we were going with "Red Leader" on this one.

Major Paul Davis: Airstrike, this is command base. You are a go for take off.
Jack O'Neill: Yeah, I thought we were going with "Red Leader" on this one.

Jack O'Neill: Damn... that was close.

"Stargate SG-1: Fail Safe (#5.17)" (2001)
Sam Carter: [explaining the contents of the asteroid and how the bomb will affect it] The explosion will be enhanced by the naquadah, probably to the force of a small nova. This close to Earth, it would be enough to set the atmosphere on fire and boil the oceans.
Jack O'Neill: Okay, this was not in the movie.

Sam Carter: Now find the wires leading from the timer to the detonator and cut the red one.
Jack O'Neill: Carter, they're all yellow.
Sam Carter: Say again?
Jack O'Neill: There are five wires and they're all yellow.

Jack O'Neill: [looking out the window of a Goa'uld cargo ship, approaching the Earth] Carter... I can see my house!

Sam Carter: The asteroid has an irregular shape, but we've calculated its length from end to end to be approximately 137 kilometers.
Jack O'Neill: I've seen this movie. It hits Paris.

Jack O'Neill: ...And after that, I kind of lost my temper.
Major General George Hammond: What exactly does *that* mean?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Let's just say Jack made a reference to Freyr's mother.

Sam Carter: Sir, the asteroid's core is composed almost entirely of naquadah.
Jack O'Neill: Of course it is.
Sam Carter: It makes up about 45 percent of the total mass.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Of course it does.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: Well, we have a couple of options. Number one, we give up. We use what's left of power and life support to make it to the nearest unoccupied gate world. There's a small chance we'd make it. From there we head to the Alpha site.
Jack O'Neill: Number two?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: We take off and hope that our radio signal can be picked up by the Asgard in time to inform them that this was a Goa'uld attack disguised as a natural disaster.
Sam Carter: There isn't enough time for that.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: I know.
Jack O'Neill: Is... there a number three?
Sam Carter: There's no three.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Well, maybe there is. Teal'c, you said naquadah wasn't native to our solar system.
[Teal'c nods in acknowledgement]
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Which means that the Goa'uld must have towed it through hyperspace by ship.
Teal'c: A mother ship.
Sam Carter: Daniel, that's it!
Jack O'Neill: What's it?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: We don't have a mother ship.
Sam Carter: But the effect only has to last a few seconds.
Jack O'Neill: What only has to last a few seconds? What?
Sam Carter: Choice three, sir. We expand the ship's hyperspace field to encompass the entire asteroid. We take it out of normal space long enough to avoid the collision with earth.
Jack O'Neill: [Long pause] Is there a *four*?

Dr. Daniel Jackson: I'm confident.
Jack O'Neill: Me too.
Teal'c: As am I.

"Stargate SG-1: Crystal Skull (#3.21)" (2000)
Samantha Carter: Normally neutrinos pass right through ordinary matter, no matter how dense. I mean, something like five hundred million billion just passed through you.
Jack O'Neill: No matter how dense.

Jack O'Neill: Hey, if you'd been listening, you'd know that Nintendos pass through everything.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: I heard.
Jack O'Neill: Everything.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: You could fit every pyramid on Earth inside this thing and still have room to spare.
Jack O'Neill: Yeah, can you imagine heatin' this place?

Jack O'Neill: Look, I'm sick of layin' around. Help me up.
Teal'c: Dr. Frasier believes you're not strong enough to undertake such a mission.
Jack O'Neill: Yeah, whatever.
[O'Neill gets out of his bed and promptly falls down]
Teal'c: Dr. Frasier is usually correct in such matters.

[Only Nick can hear or see Daniel]
Jack O'Neill: Daniel said you should come along to make it work?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Wait, I never said that. You're taking advantage of me.
Nick Ballard: Yes.

Nick Ballard: Now we must wait for the giant aliens.
Jack O'Neill: That just has a nice ring to it.

Jack O'Neill: [about Fraiser] Napoleonic power monger.

Teal'c: You may take us to Nicholas Ballard immediately.
Jack O'Neill: He's just a little anxious to see old Nick.
Nurse: Oh, are you close?
[Teal'c and Jack speak at the same time]
Teal'c: No.
Jack O'Neill: Yes.
[pause]
Teal'c: Yes, extremely.

"Stargate SG-1: Paradise Lost (#6.15)" (2003)
Colonel Jack O'Neill: [Maybourne has stopped walking up the Gate ramp] Yes?
Colonel Harry Maybourne: You know the real reason I wanna do this?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Huh?
Colonel Harry Maybourne: I've never actually been through this thing before.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Really?
Colonel Harry Maybourne: I ran the off-world operation from Earth using a Goa'uld communicator.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Nervous?
Colonel Harry Maybourne: Me? Nah... I'm just taking a moment.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: [pause] Done?
Colonel Harry Maybourne: Yeah!
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Good.

Teal'c: Are you able to translate any of this, Jonas Quinn?
Jonas Quinn: It's not Ancient, but it's definitely a language belonging to one of the races of the ancient alliance.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Nox? Asgard?
Jonas Quinn: Furlings.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Oh, no. Not those guys.
Jonas Quinn: What?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Oh, I don't know. I just can't imagine cute, little, furry things making big powerful weapons, that's all.
Jonas Quinn: I don't even know what they look like.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Furling. Sounds cute and fuzzy to me.
[Teal'c smiles]

Colonel Jack O'Neill: You know, Harry, it's not that I can't believe you lied to me again. It's that you
[shouting]
Colonel Jack O'Neill: lied to me *again*!

[Maybourne tosses an explosive in the lake to 'catch' some fish]
Colonel Jack O'Neill: That is just wrong on so many levels.

Colonel Harry Maybourne: You wanted to kill me from the start.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Ah, screw you, Maybourne. I was joking. Look what you did to my leg.
Colonel Harry Maybourne: I set the trap for the pig.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: With a grenade?

Colonel Harry Maybourne: Sorry, Jack. I never should've dragged you into this.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Yes, Harry. You've been a very bad boy.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: Hey, don't you die on me now.
Colonel Harry Maybourne: What difference would it make?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Because we're about to be rescued.
Colonel Harry Maybourne: Oh, that's nice.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Isn't it?

Colonel Jack O'Neill: I think you suffered enough. Hell, I even got to shoot you.
Colonel Harry Maybourne: Twice.

"Stargate SG-1: Cure (#6.10)" (2002)
Teal'c: A Goa'uld offspring is born with the intellect and knowledge of the queen who bore it. Normally the fully developed personality would emerge, allowing the symbiote to control the host immediately upon blending.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Glowing eyes, cliché behavior, evilness, that kind of thing.

Dollen: It is our hope, we will be able to repair any mistrust that may have developed between us so that we can pursue a long-lasting friendship between our people far into the future.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Well said.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: ...we can say you'll solve this eventually, right?
Malek: At this moment, all I can say is it is a mystery.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: What, you're suddenly stumped?

Dr. Janet Fraiser: I am sorry, Colonel. The Pangarans totally sugarcoated the whole side effect aspect of the drug.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Well, that's a shock, isn't it?

[SG-1 are stunned to see what appears to be a Goa'uld symbiote attached to a large womb in a tank similar to a fish tank. There are wires attached to the womb portion which is fleshtone in color and in stark contrast to the grey color of the symbiote. The symbiote seems to look at them as they enter the room]
Teal'c: A queen.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: No kidding.

Dollen: Quite frankly, we intended to tell you how the Tretonin was made, eventually. We just wanted to first assess how you might react.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Not well.

[a bottle of purple liquid is placed on the table in front of Jack and Sam. They look at it and and each other. Sam gives a cute little combination shrug and questioning look. Jack picks up the bottle and looks at it]
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Qu'est-ce que c'est?
Dollen: We call it Tretonin, Colonel. It is our greatest scientific discovery.

"Stargate SG-1: 1969 (#2.21)" (1999)
Major Robert Thornbird: I'm Major Robert Thornbird. And you are?
Jack O'Neill: [coughs] Captain James T. Kirk of the Starship Enterprise.
Major Robert Thornbird: Your dog tags say otherwise.
Jack O'Neill: They're lying.

Major Robert Thornbird: Our cameras saw some sort of weapon.
Jack O'Neill: Oh, well it's hard to say.
Major Robert Thornbird: Some sort of state secret?
Jack O'Neill: No. Just difficult to pronounce.

[after some interrogating]
Jack O'Neill: Alright, I'll be honest with ya, Bob. My name's not Kirk. It's Skywalker. Luke Skywalker.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: So, we go in disguise; pretend to be foreigners.
Jack O'Neill: How are you gonna do that?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Well, I speak 23 different languages. Pick one.

Jack O'Neill: It's true, Michael. We came to Earth to hide among your people a long, long time ago.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: From a galaxy far, far away.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: So what's the plan?
Jack O'Neill: Find the stargate.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Find the stargate? That's-that's the plan?
Jack O'Neill: Elegant in its simplicity, don't you think?

Sergeant Bridges: [subtitled "You Russian spies?"] Vy sovetskih shpionov?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: [subtitled "No!"] Nyet.
Jack O'Neill: Daniel?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: He just asked if we were Soviet spies, I just...
[Jack gives Daniel a pointed look]
Sergeant Bridges: [to Jack] Come with me.
Jack O'Neill: [gets up] Sure. You bet.
[Daniel turns around to face the bunk, pinching the bridge of his nose]
Jack O'Neill: "Nyet"?

"Stargate SG-1: The Broca Divide (#1.4)" (1997)
Colonel Jack O'Neill: [about Sam] She, uh, she tried to seduce me.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Oh. You poor man.

Jack O'Neill: Lucy, I'm home!
Teal'c: I am not Lucy!

[O'Neill hands Daniel night-vision goggles]
Jack O'Neill: Put these on.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Doesn't look like my prescription.

Jack O'Neill: I'm back to bein' myself. Just open up.
Teal'c: I cannot be certain you are back to being yourself. You referred to me as "Lucy".

[upon seeing a diseased Daniel flirting with a girl whom has the same disease]
Jack O'Neill: Daniel, you dog. You keep this up, you'll have a girl on every planet.

[in a large extravagant room with big bull heads]
Jack O'Neill: Love what they've done with the place.
Captain Samantha Carter: I was gonna do my living room like this, but, it didn't go with my other stuff.

Major General George Hammond: Captain Carter's computer model has thus far extrapolated only one set of symbols from the Abydos cartouche that contains these three glyphs.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Let me guess; that's where we're going.
Major General George Hammond: Very good, Colonel.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Thank you, sir. I pride myself on my deductive reasoning skills.

"Stargate SG-1: Point of View (#3.6)" (1999)
Jack O'Neill: So it's possible there's an alternate version of myself out there that actually understands what the hell you're talkin' about?

Jack O'Neill: Alright, I gotta know.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Yes, I'm about to activate it.
Jack O'Neill: No, no, no, no. Not that. What the hell does 'Kree' mean?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Well, actually, it means a lot of things.
Jack O'Neill: Uh-huh.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Loosely translated it means attention, listen up, concentrate.
Jack O'Neill: Yoo-hoo?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Yes. In a manner of speaking.

Jack O'Neill: Alright, uh, just to clarify, this Carter is from an *alternate* alternate reality?

Jack O'Neill: For all we know you could be her evil twin. But then we'd be dealing with clichés, and you know how I feel about those. No, actually, *you* know how I feel about those.

Dr. Samantha Carter: If the Asgard could design this to give the gate extra juice, then they're just the little green men we're looking for.
Jack O'Neill: They're grey, actually. Roswell grey to be exact.

Dr. Samantha Carter: You have to understand, my Jack had the same face, same voice, same hands.
Jack O'Neill: Which brings to mind an obvious question: How could you marry such a loser?

Jack O'Neill: Alright, I gotta know.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Yes, I'm about to turn it on.
Jack O'Neill: No, no, no, no, not that... What the hell does 'Cree' mean?

"Stargate SG-1: Tangent (#4.12)" (2000)
Major Paul Davis: Colonel Jack O'Neill, Major Samantha Carter, Dr. Daniel Jackson, allow me to introduce to you Lieutenant General Vidrine.
General Vidrine: Colonel.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: General.
General Vidrine: Major.
Major Samantha Carter: General.
General Vidrine: Doctor.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: General.

General Vidrine: How does she fly, son?
Teal'c: The vehicle performed within expected parameters.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Woohoo!
[pause]
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Sorry, sir. I couldn't help but get caught up in Teal'c's enthusiasm.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: Uh, Teal'c. On our "6", is that what I think it is?
Teal'c: If you think it is Earth, yes.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: It's shrinking.
Teal'c: Its size remains constant. Rather, it is we who are moving away at extreme velocity.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: Y'know, I've already done that 'freezing to death' thing, and it's just not as enjoyable as it sounds.

Teal'c: There is little to say, O'Neill. We have fought and won many battles together. It has been an honor to serve by your side. We are brothers.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Wow. That's, uh...
Teal'c: Is there anything you wish to say, O'Neill?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: What could I possibly say after that? Back at ya.

Teal'c: If we are to die, we die well.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: We could do better.

"Stargate SG-1: One False Step (#2.19)" (1999)
Teal'c: Since it is their planet, is it not we who are the aliens?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Actually, the word alien refers to anything characteristic of a very different place or culture, anything really strange relative from our own perspective.
Jack O'Neill: Think we call you alien because you're from Chu'lak? Ha.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: Well, maybe you could try coming up with something better than inappropriate sarcasm.
Jack O'Neill: You want sarcasm? Nice to meet you.

Jack O'Neill: You're obviously misreading a basic philosophical difference of opinion on how to handle a chrisis.
Daniel Jackson: Oh please! We have a-a difference of opinion on just about everything!
Jack O'Neill: Give me an example.
Daniel Jackson: U-u-u, I don't know! Pick something! How - how about - how about mythology!
Jack O'Neill: Rumors, lies, fairytales.
Daniel Jackson: You see! See! See! See! See! See!
[jumps around in a circle in frustration]
Daniel Jackson: Mythology is one of the primary motivations for cultural development!
Jack O'Neill: Maybe it is! What's that got to do with *filming a plant*!
Daniel Jackson: Exactly!
Jack O'Neill: What does *that* mean!
Daniel Jackson: I don't know!
[they silently look at each other]
Jack O'Neill: [calmly] Okay. What was that?
Daniel Jackson: I don't know. I don't feel so good.
Jack O'Neill: I've got a headache.

Jack O'Neill: [Jack and Daniel are in the infirmary. They have just had a major argue on a planet] Listen I, uh...
Daniel Jackson: No, no. Um... sorry, you were gonna say...
Jack O'Neill: No, it's just that, uh... Well... you know...
Daniel Jackson: No I know, I know. I know. You know that I...
Jack O'Neill: I know. It's obvious there's something...
Daniel Jackson: Something, something wrong with us.
Jack O'Neill, Daniel Jackson: Physically!
Janet Fraiser: [enters] Well, there's nothing wrong with you.
Daniel Jackson: What?
Janet Fraiser: Well, I've run every test I could, short of exploratory brain surgery and you're both in perfect health.
Jack O'Neill: Huh.

Jack O'Neill: What do you think, Daniel? Are they friendly spirits?

Jack O'Neill: [trying to keep aliens quarantined] Get back. Come on, get back. Fine. Knock yourself out. Go ahead. Go play in the street. Forget your sun block.

Stargate (1994)
Colonel Jonathan "Jack" O'Neil: Give my regards to King Tut, asshole.

Colonel Jonathan "Jack" O'Neil: I'm here in case you succeed.

Colonel Jonathan "Jack" O'Neil: I wouldn't feed that thing.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: It's got a harness, it's domesticated
[Taps Mastadge on shoulder. Mastadge is frightened and runs off dragging Dr. Daniel Jackson across the Desert]

[last lines]
Colonel Jonathan "Jack" O'Neil: I'll be seeing you around... Doctor Jackson.

Colonel Jonathan "Jack" O'Neil: I'm on Planet 'X' lookin' for a dweeb who wears green fatigues. He wears glasses.
[puts his hands around his eyes]
Skaara: [puts his hands around his eyes, copying O'Neil]
Colonel Jonathan "Jack" O'Neil: He has long hair.
[puts his hand to his head and brings it down]
Skaara: [salutes]
Colonel Jonathan "Jack" O'Neil: And he
[pretends to sneeze]
Colonel Jonathan "Jack" O'Neil: sneezes.
Skaara: Ich!
[clucks like a chicken]
Colonel Jonathan "Jack" O'Neil: Chicken. Chicken! Yes, Chicken Man!

Lieutenant Kawalsky: [in Nagada, the troops begin holding hostages and opening fire; O'Neil looks outside the city walls] Colonel! What do you see?
Colonel Jonathan "Jack" O'Neil: Sandstorm comin' this way.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: [sarcastically] Well, that would have been an excellent reason to shoot everyone.

"Stargate SG-1: Shades of Grey (#3.18)" (2000)
Jack O'Neill: To be fair, General, I did it. Carter and Daniel protested. And Teal'c, well he really didn't say anything but I could tell he was opposed to my actions by the way he cocked his head and sort of raised his eyebrow.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: Actually, General, the Tollan refused to give us any technology.
Jack O'Neill: Offered us a nice fruit basket, though.

General Hammond: As long as I am in command of the SGC, we will hold our self to the highest ethical standard.
Jack O'Neill: And when the Goa'uld wipe us out because we have nothing with which to defend ourselves, I'm sure we'll all feel *great* about ourselves and our high moral standard.

Jack O'Neill: Come to retrieve your vastly superior stuff? You know it'd be a lot more superior if it wasn't so easy to steal.

Jack O'Neill: I do appreciate that you were the one that came to see if I was okay. That... that means something.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Ah, actually, no, it doesn't.
Jack O'Neill: Na?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Um... we, ah, we drew straws. I lost.

Jack O'Neill: Helloooo Newman!

"Stargate SG-1: Red Sky (#5.5)" (2001)
Colonel Jack O'Neill: I'm not asking you to change the course of their development, just fix the damn sun! No one will know. We won't tell.

Major Samantha Carter: Sir, I've been thinking.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: I'd be shocked if you ever stopped, Carter.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: I have great confidence in you Carter. Go on back to the SGC and... confuse Hammond.

[O'Neill is trying to convince the people of K'tau that their god will not save them]
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Hi, folks, listen. You all know Freyr, right? Big guy, kinda good-lookin', lot of fancy gold armor?
[everyone says yes]
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Well, here's a flash for ya. That's *not* what he looks like.
Elrad: What do you mean?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: He's an alien who's been pretending to be your god. He doesn't have a Chariot. He's got a spaceship! Spaceship. Big machine like the one we were building. Only his is way better... and not blown up. I'm not kidding you, folks. This little fella is about three feet tall, got clammy gray skin, big black eyes, and skinny, tiny little arms and legs, like toothpicks.

Major General George Hammond: I thought the odds of success for this scenario were one in a million, Major?
Major Samantha Carter: Yes, sir. But I now think that we can increase that estimate to one percent.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: It's your call, General. I only understand about one percent of what she says half the time.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: [to Carter after the sun returns to normal] Am I having a stroke?

Stargate: Continuum (2008) (V)
Teal'c: [Ba'al has just announced he may have a means of escaping. Teal'c eyes him carefully] He lies.
Major General Jack O'Neill: He does that you know.

Teal'c: There can be no doubt of your crimes.
Ba'al: What I mean is I'm not the last of the Goa'auld System Lords. Though I am the last of the clones. There were so many of us it's difficult to be certain.
Major General Jack O'Neill: Mitchell?
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: We tracked them all down sir. This is the last one.
Major General Jack O'Neill: You sure?
[Mitchell stands there certain of himself]
Major General Jack O'Neill: That is why we've come all this way. Why we had to endure all that singing. Get rid of the last bad guy, then there's... cake.

Major General Jack O'Neill: [3 hours into the extraction ceremony] Never, in the history of boredom, has anyone been as bored as I am, right now.

Major General Jack O'Neill: [discussing Vala's disappearance] Oh for cryin' out loud. She prob'ly just went to the bathroom. I'm next in line, by the way.

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: [walking in the arctic] Sam, we have to keep moving!
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: Why? If we're going to freeze to death here's as good of spot as any, in't it?
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Nah, I don't like this spot!
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: Cam, come on what's the point! there's no one around for hundreds of...
[two people walking towards them and points]
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: Who's that?
[run toward the two]
Major General Jack O'Neill: Wait! Which one of you is Mitchell?
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: That'd be me!
Major General Jack O'Neill: Jack O'Neill; Special Forces.
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: Oh my God, we thought you were dead!
Major General Jack O'Neill: Back at cha' ma'am.

Major General Jack O'Neill: Have you ever TRIED to find the bathroom in a pyramid?

"Stargate SG-1: The Other Guys (#6.8)" (2002)
Her'ak: No matter what you have endured, you have never experienced the likes of what Anubis is capable of.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: You ended a sentence with a preposition, bastard!

Jay Felger: I have Coombs with me.
Simon Coombs: Hi.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: [Furious] Why, look everybody! He's got Coombs with him!

Her'ak: I am Her'ak. First Prime to Lord Khonsu of Amon Shek.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Very impressive. Got a résumé?
Her'ak: I captured you.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Yes. Right, you did. Well done. You've got the job.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: Carter, be honest. The résumé gag?
Teal'c: It needs work, O'Neill.

Her'ak: His true loyalties were well known. Once his betrayal bore fruit, his existence was no longer required.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: You callin' us fruit?

Jack O'Neill: You ended that sentence with a preposition! Bastard!

"Stargate SG-1: Deadman Switch (#3.7)" (1999)
Sam Carter: Sir, he's not Goa'uld.
Jack O'Neill: And? But? So? Therefore?

Sam Carter: How do you keep from getting killed?
Aris Boch: It takes talent.
Jack O'Neill: So, how do you keep from getting killed?

Jack O'Neill: Teal'c, how fast will this unit fly?
Teal'c: I believe it is capable of traveling twice the speed of light.
Jack O'Neill: Nice. Home for dinner.
Sam Carter: Ah, sir, if you're thinking of trying to steal the ship and fly it back to Earth, even at 372,000 miles per second, it would still take us at least ten years to get that far.
Jack O'Neill: [pause] Shoulda let the dog out.

Jack O'Neill: Well, fancy that. We're famous.

Aris Boch: Well, uh, Teal'c is worth the most. The, uh, System Lords would love to make a good example of him. And Carter here, well, she has the memories of the Tok'ra Jolinar. And you, O'Neill, you're considered - Well, you're a pain in the nikta.
Jack O'Neill: Neck?
Teal'c: No.

Jack O'Neill: Beetlejuice!

"Stargate SG-1: Redemption: Part 1 (#6.1)" (2002)
Major Samantha Carter: Navigation?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Check.
Major Samantha Carter: Oxygen, pressure, temperature control?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: All check.
Major Samantha Carter: Inertial Dampeners?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Cool!... and check.
Major Samantha Carter: Engines?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: All Check. Phasers?
Major Samantha Carter: [smirking] Sorry sir.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: [reviewing the files of new candidates] I can be as diplomatic and open-minded as anyone. Hammond is insisting SG-1 needs a socio-political nerd to offset our overwhelming coolness.

Major General George Hammond: Colonel Chekov feels that, as a symbol to our joint efforts, a Russian officer should be assigned to join SG-1.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Over my rotting corpse, sir.
Major General George Hammond: Colonel?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: I'm sorry. Did I say that out loud?
Major General George Hammond: I said I would discuss it with you and that I was sure you would give it some careful thought.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: And that I will, General, but I'm still pretty sure I'll say: "Bite Me".

Anubis: I am Anubis!
Major Samantha Carter: Looks like a hologram projection, sir.
Anubis: Humans of the Tau'ri, your end of days finally approaches. There will be no mercy.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: [to Carter] Oh, come on, who talks like that?
Major Samantha Carter: Sir, this is Asgard technology. He must have downloaded it from Thor
Anubis: You will bow to my awesome power. There is nothing that can stop the destruction I bring upon you. Prepare to meet your doom.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Oh, please!

Jack O'Neill: Hey, how come you're not downstairs with the rest of the eggheads? Not that you're an egghead. Well, you are actually. But in a good way.
Samantha Carter: I couldn't think down there. They all kept looking at me for the answer.
Jack O'Neill: Well you do have a penchant for pulling brilliant ideas out of your butt - head. Out of your head, when we need them.

Jack O'Neill: Hammond is insisting SG: 1 needs a socio-political nerd to off-set our overwhelming coolness.
Teal'c: Have you considered Jonas Quinn?
Jack O'Neill: Now I know you've been practicing, but I still can't tell. Was that a joke?

"Stargate SG-1: Desperate Measures (#5.11)" (2001)
Homeless Man: I'm just a crazy old guy with a shopping cart full of cans.
Jack O'Neill: I'm just a cynical Air Force guy with a closet full of National Geographics.
Homeless Man: Can I have 'em?

Colonel Harry Maybourne: Played a lot of hide'n'seek as a kid. It's funny, I could always find anyone anywhere, but they could never find me.
Jack O'Neill: Because they didn't *want* to.

Homeless Man: She was feisty; put up a fight.
Jack O'Neill: With whom?
Homeless Man: Ninjas. Three, maybe four. Happened fast. They pulled up in a white van, grabbed her. I've been telling the police about ninjas for years. You think they listen?

Colonel Harry Maybourne: Gonna turn me in?
Jack O'Neill: Actually, that overwhelming desire to shoot you has come back.

Jack O'Neill: You alright?
Major Samantha Carter: Yeah. Very dramatic, thank you.
Jack O'Neill: You bet.

Major Samantha Carter: Sir, are you okay?
Jack O'Neill: I've been shot, Carter.
Major Samantha Carter: I know. Your vest stopped one of the bullets.
Jack O'Neill: I want sleeves on my vest.

"Stargate SG-1: Solitudes (#1.17)" (1998)
Samantha Carter: Colonel...?
Jack O'Neill: It's my sidearm, I swear.

Samantha Carter: Sshhh. Try to sleep.
Jack O'Neill: Is that what we're doing?
Samantha Carter: You're exhausted, you passed out. I just thought we had to combine body heat or we wouldn't make it through the night.
Jack O'Neill: That's fine. It's just... very hard to sleep with broken ribs when someone's lying on you.
Samantha Carter: Sorry.

Samantha Carter: Try to stay put, Sir, I think your leg's broken.
Jack O'Neill: No, my leg's definitely broken. What's the bad news, 'cause unless they've redecorated the Gate room, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.

Samantha Carter: What's wrong with your chest?
Jack O'Neill: I think I cracked a rib too.
Samantha Carter: Why didn't you say something?
Jack O'Neill: I was afraid you'd try to put a splint on it.

Samantha Carter: What's wrong with your chest?
Jack O'Neill: I think I cracked a rib too
Samantha Carter: Why didn't you say something?
Jack O'Neill: I was afraid you'd try to put a splint on it

"Stargate: Atlantis: Rising (#1.1)" (2004)
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill USAF: That was a waste of a perfectly good explanation.

Dr. Rodney McKay: [he is talking about the ZPM] Zed-P.M.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill USAF: What?
Daniel Jackson, Ph.D.: Zee-P.M. He's Canadian.

Daniel Jackson, Ph. D.: Jack, if it's not too late for me to go...
General Jack O'Neill USAF: No.
Daniel Jackson, Ph. D.: ...I'd just grab my...
General Jack O'Neill USAF: No!

Major John Sheppard: [after almost being blown up by a drone] Well, that was different.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill USAF: For me, not so much.

Daniel Jackson, Ph.D.: Jack.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill USAF: Daniel.
[almost killed by a drone]
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill USAF: Warm welcome.
Daniel Jackson, Ph.D.: It wasn't me. How'd you manage to...
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill USAF: Keep my ass from getting blown out of the sky? The exceptional flying of Major John Sheppard. He *likes* it here.
Daniel Jackson, Ph.D.: Exceptional. You like it here?
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill USAF: What say we cut to the part where you start talking real fast?

"Stargate SG-1: Demons (#3.8)" (1999)
Teal'c: I know of no Goa'uld capable of showing the necessary compassion or benevolence that I've read of in your bible.
Jack O'Neill: You read the bible Teal'c?
Teal'c: It is a significant part of your western culture. Have you not read the bible O'Neill?
Jack O'Neill: Oh yeah, yeah... not all of it. Actually I'm listening to it on tape. Don't tell me how it ends.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: It was a procedure often done in the Middle Ages. They... well, they-they'd drill a hole in the person's head. By drilling a hole the evil spirits are released, thus saving the person from eternal damnation.
Jack O'Neill: Thus *saving* the person?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Well, they didn't call them the Dark Ages because it was dark.

Jack O'Neill: Carter, if I ever get the urge to help anybody again, feel free to give me a swift kick.

Jack O'Neill: Major, next time Daniel gets the urge to help someone, shoot him.

Jack O'Neill: [shouts at Teal'C's stomach] Way to go Junior!

"Stargate SG-1: The Enemy Within (#1.2)" (1997)
Dr. Daniel Jackson: So this iris is gonna hold, right?
Sam Carter: Pure titanium, less than three micrometers from the event horizon. It won't even allow matter to fully reintegrate.
Jack O'Neill: So this iris is gonna hold, right?
Sam Carter: If it doesn't, the fail-safe device will detonate, this whole mountain will vaporize, and there'll be nothin' to worry about.
Jack O'Neill: Ah, good. I feel much better.

Jack O'Neill: Listen, um, I gotta ask you something. It's not easy for me.
Major Charles Kawalsky: We're friends.
Jack O'Neill: If you don't make it... can I have your stereo?

Dr. Daniel Jackson: You don't think the Goa'ulds are sending people through, do you?
Jack O'Neill: Be like bugs on a windshield.

Jack O'Neill: Permission to barge in, sir?

Teal'c: [speaking of Kawalski, now dead] He was your friend.
Jack O'Neill: My friend died on the table.

"Stargate: Atlantis: The Real World (#3.6)" (2006)
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: If you don't know what I'm talking about, then you're not really Jack O'Neill.
Major General Jack O'Neill: Oh, I'm Jack O'Neill, all right. That's the one thing in this conversation I'm sure of.

Major General Jack O'Neill: I don't know anything about Atlantis, except that it was a fairly mediocre Donovan song, not one of my favorites.

Major General Jack O'Neill: Have you given any thought to coming back to the negotiating table? That non-proliferation treaty... you kind of left us hanging mid-sentence there. It'd sure be nice to hear the punchline someday.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: And the U.N. would be okay with that?
Major General Jack O'Neill: Not just okay. They're insisting.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Really?
Major General Jack O'Neill: When you're the best, you're the best. Even if you've had a little... setback, so to speak... he said awkwardly.

Major General Jack O'Neill: Did you get some sleep?
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Yes. But still, I've been really tired lately.
Major General Jack O'Neill: Well, maybe you've got to work yourself back into playing shape. Spend a little time doing some short shifts before you jump up to the first line.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: I'm sorry. I don't know a thing about football.
Major General Jack O'Neill: Nor hockey, apparently.

Major General Jack O'Neill: Now, just to be sure we're on the same page, we're against the proliferation of nuclear weapons, right?
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Got it.

"Stargate SG-1: Maternal Instinct (#3.20)" (2000)
Master Bra'tac: I believe he wishes us to take off our boots.
Jack O'Neill: Yeah, look, uh, we've been walking a ways today...
Monk: Your journey is only begun.
Jack O'Neill: Yeah, I'm just sayin', I think I'm doin' us all a big favor by keepin' these babies on.

Monk: Lightning flashes, sparks shower, in one blink of your eyes you've mis-seen.
Jack O'Neill: Lightning you say?
Monk: I only know a snowflake cannot exist in a storm of fire.
Jack O'Neill: What?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Jack...
Jack O'Neill: No, I - You know me, I'm a huge fan of subtlety, but that's downright encrypted!

Dr. Daniel Jackson: The monk is just someone who's sort of taken up a curatorship.
Jack O'Neill: Kind of a janitor?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: More of a guide.
Jack O'Neill: An usher?

Jack O'Neill: [about Apophis] Somebody's gotta teach that guy how to die.

Monk: I cannot teach you what you already know.
Jack O'Neill: Oh, I don't think I know as much as you think I know.

"Stargate SG-1: Prisoners (#2.3)" (1998)
Jack O'Neill: Teal'c, look scary and take point.

Captain Samantha Carter: We need power.
Linea: There are many forms of power, my dear. Some more subtle than others.
Jack O'Neill: Well, for the moment, we just need the electrical kind.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: And she's just gonna hand it over?
Jack O'Neill: If we take her back with us.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Well, can we just do that? I mean, we don't even know what she's in here for.
Captain Samantha Carter: What are *we* in here for?
Jack O'Neill: Jaywalking, I think.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: [Daniel awakes from being strangled] What happened?
Jack O'Neill: Oh, you actually won a fight Danny-boy.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: I don't particularly remember getting the upper hand.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: P2A-509
Jack O'Neill: Little brain damage along the way
Dr. Daniel Jackson: No, uh, SG-3 was scheduled to go on a mission to P2A-509. General Hammond said so in our last planning briefing. We rendez-vous with SG-3 and we use their remote transmitters to get home.
Jack O'Neill: And this just, came to you?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: No, this came to me while I was suffocating.
Jack O'Neill: Then, P2A-509 it is. Linea, do they send food... and I'll use that term loosely... does it come through the gate on a regular basis?

"Stargate SG-1: Chain Reaction (#4.15)" (2001)
Colonel Jack O'Neill: [entering Maybourne's very empty apartment] Have ya heard of IKEA?

Colonel Jack O'Neill: If it wasn't for SG-1, right now you'd be sittin' there with a snake in your head, instead of your head up you're a...
General Bauer: [shouting] Colonel!

Colonel Jack O'Neill: [to Maybourne] I see you're on that famous beer and mustard diet. How's that workin' out for ya?

Senator Robert Kinsey: How dare you come into my house waving a gun?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Not waving; pointing.

Jack O'Neill: If it wasn't for SG-1 sir, You'd be sitting there with a snake in you head. Instead of your head up your...
General Bauer: Colonel!

"Stargate SG-1: The Serpent's Lair (#2.1)" (1998)
Master Bra'tac: Perhaps when the warships of your world attack, we'll be able to...
Samantha Carter: Eh, excuse me. Did you say 'the ships of our world'?
Master Bra'tac: Surely you have such vessels?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Well, we have a number of - of...
Dr. Daniel Jackson, Jack O'Neill: Shuttles.
Master Bra'tac: These... 'shuttles'... they are a formidable craft?
Jack O'Neill: Oh yeah. Yeah. Bad day.

Bra'tac: We shall have to cross that bridge when we come to it.
Jack O'Neill: You know, that particular cliché doesn't... always work.

Jack O'Neill: Well, I suppose now is the time for me to say something profound.
[long pause]
Jack O'Neill: Nothing comes to mind. Let's do it.

Jack O'Neill: [to Bra'tac] Will you *please* stop calling me human?

Jack O'Neill: I think what the Captain is asking is, "What now?"
Master Bra'tac: Now we die.
Jack O'Neill: Well that's a bad plan.

"Stargate SG-1: Full Circle (#6.22)" (2003)
Colonel Jack O'Neill: So... you seeing anybody?
Skaara: [laughs] Maybe.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Really? It serious?
Skaara: [chuckles] We are betrothed.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Trust me, that's serious. Congratulations.
Skaara: Thank you.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: I assume my invitation got lost in the mail, or...
Skaara: I wanted to ask you to shal'oki.
[sees that Jack is completely oblivious]
Skaara: To stand beside me.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: [looks uncomfortable] Just... during the ceremony, right?
Skaara: Yes, yes.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: I'd be honored.
Skaara: Will you be coming to my wedding alone?
[Major Carter approaches]
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Uhmmm... I assume Carter's invited, too?
Skaara: Of course!
[looks at both O'Neill and Carter]
Skaara: Will you be coming together?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: As in...?
Major Samantha Carter: Friends, going to a wedding.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Ah! Yes. Sure!
[pause]
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Jonas.
[walks off, as Skaara and Carter grin]

Her'ak: [Anubis's Jaffa have SG-1 cornered] Surrender or die.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: [leans his head out] What?
Her'ak: [louder] Surrender or die!
Colonel Jack O'Neill: I was just gonna say the exact same thing!
Her'ak: O'Neill, of SG-1.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: [Carter looks at O'Neill, pause, O'Neill looks around and grins] Hey! How ya' doin? You'll have to forgive me. I'm terrible with names. What was-
[Jaffa fires a staff weapon and hits the wall next to O'Neill]
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Geez!
Her'ak: I am Her'ak.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Congratulations. Failing upwards I see.
Her'ak: You have no choice!
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Actually, I do! I've got the eye. And about a pound of very powerful explosive stuck to it! Give us clear access to the Gate, or I'll blow it up.
Her'ak: Yourself along with it?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: [Carter looks at O'Neill] What's your point?

[the elevator Jack's in has shut down and Daniel has appeared behind him]
Daniel Jackson: Jack, Abydos is in trouble. Anubis is on his way. He's after the Eye of Ra. I have that replica Catherine gave me, it looks like this. Now, I'm pretty sure the real one is located in some secret chamber in Ra's pyramid on Abydos, but I'm not sure where exactly. According to legend, there were six eyes including those held by Apophis, Osiris, and Tiamat among others . Each is powerful on its own. Now if you use them in combination it increases that power tenfold. Recently, Anubis has managed to track down five of the six eyes, and only needs Ra's to complete the set. He's looked everywhere Ra used to hang out except Abydos, now he's on his way there.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: I was sure that was an Asprin I took this morning.
Daniel Jackson: Jack it's really me. It's me. You have to help. You have to find the Eye of Ra before Anubis does. I mean keep it, hide it, destroy it, whatever. It doesn't matter. We don't have much time.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Hey, Daniel. How you doin'? Long time. How are things in the higher planes?
Daniel Jackson: [turns his back on Jack, very aggravated, then turns back around] Hey, Jack. Long time, no see. How-how-how you doin'?

Jonas Quinn: Did he tell you where we can find the eye?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Uh, he doesn't know.
Major Samantha Carter: He doesn't know?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: I know! Personally, I think this whole "ascension" thing is a bit overrated.

Major Samantha Carter: The only thing we can assume is that Anubis didn't keep his deal with Daniel.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: That's a shock, eh?

"Stargate SG-1: Small Victories (#4.1)" (2000)
Thor: [about the replicators] You have demonstrated their weakness may be found through a less... sophisticated approach. We are no longer capable of such thinking.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Wait a minute. You're actually saying that you need someone dumber than you are?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: You may have come to the right place.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: Where's the fanfare, General?
Major Samantha Carter: We did kind of save the planet, sir.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Again. This should not get old, General.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: I'd be happy to debrief you all after I've debriefed myself for a nice hot shower.
Major General George Hammond: Permission to shower granted. In fact, I insist on it, Colonel.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Bad?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: I wasn't gonna say anything.

Major Samantha Carter: If there are still a small enough number of the replicators on board, a properly equipped team could possibly...
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Save the world?
Major Samantha Carter: Getting old for you, sir?

Major Samantha Carter: We kicked their asses.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: They had asses?

"Stargate SG-1: Seth (#3.2)" (1999)
Jacob Carter/Selmak: So, you guys are the talk of the Tok'ra water cooler.
Jack O'Neill: For what?
Jacob Carter/Selmak: Kickin' some major Hathor behind.
Jack O'Neill: Yes. We do take pride in good work.

Jack O'Neill: Jaffa jokes? Let's hear one of them.
Teal'c: I shall attempt to translate one, O'Neill.
[Teal'c thinks]
Teal'c: A Serpent guard, a Horus guard and a Setesh guard meet on a neutral planet. It is a tense moment. The Serpent guard's eyes glow. The Horus guard's beak glistens. The Setesh guard's nose drips.

[Trying to infiltrate Seth's cult]
Jack O'Neill: Dare I ask about the men inside the compound?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: They were turned into eunuchs.
Jack O'Neill: Eunuchs, as in "snippity-do-dah"?

[Carter has just killed Seth with a Goa'uld hand device]
Dr. Daniel Jackson: You killed him.
Jack O'Neill: [In an undertone] Hail, Dorothy.

"Stargate SG-1: Summit (#5.15)" (2001)
Colonel Jack O'Neill: It's always suicide-mission this, save-the-planet that. No one ever just stops by to say 'hi' anymore.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: So, how are you gonna get me in?
Jacob Carter/Selmak: Yu will be among the System Lords attending the meeting.
Major Samantha Carter: I thought you said he was going in as a slave.
Jacob Carter/Selmak: The System Lord, Yu.
Major Samantha Carter: Little joke there.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: [dryly] Funny.

Aldwin: Are you interested in Tok'ra engineering?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Oh. Interested doesn't quite describe how I truly feel.
Aldwin: Well, you're welcome to join us.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Thank you Aldwin, but I have to go help Teal'c... wait for Daniel.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: You know, we really should come up with a new strategy. One that does *not* include us dying.

"Stargate SG-1: The Torment of Tantalus (#1.10)" (1997)
Sam Carter: Where's Daniel?
Jack O'Neill: Oh, Ernest was showin' him a new toy.
Sam Carter: Really, what?
Jack O'Neill: Some fancy light show that may be the key to our existence or somethin' like that.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: There's no conclusion to the file. No summary, no notes, no reason to explain why they gave up.
Jack O'Neill: Well, whole boxes of material could be missing.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: The Pentagon said this was everything.
Jack O'Neill: Oh, please. The Pentagon's lost entire countries.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: This was transferred from film of experiments done on the gate in 1945. You don't find that the least bit intriguing?
Jack O'Neill: Oh, yeah. Nothing piques my interest more than repeated failure.

Jack O'Neill: Basic survival training. We know what we have, what do we need?
Teal'c: We have the stargate. We need the dial home device.
Jack O'Neill: Thank you, Teal'c.

"Stargate SG-1: Jolinar's Memories (#3.12)" (1999)
Dr. Daniel Jackson: You said "Hell," right?
Jack O'Neill: Well, I'm gonna end up there sooner or later. Might as well check out the neighborhood, huh?

Jack O'Neill: By all means... To Hell with us.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: My lungs are burning.
Jack O'Neill: Well, at least it's a dry heat.

Jacob Carter/Selmak: He's Sokar's eyes and ears here.
Jack O'Neill: Well, *eye* and ears.
Jacob Carter/Selmak: He ensures there are no uprisings.
Jack O'Neill: Keeps the conditions livable.

"Stargate SG-1: Secrets (#2.9)" (1998)
Jack O'Neill: [Jacob is skeptical about SG-1's cover-story] I retired myself one time. Couldn't stay away.
Jacob Carter: From your analysis of Deep Space Radar Telemetry?
Jack O'Neill: [deadpan] Well, it's just so damn fascinating.

Jack O'Neill: You know, I can navigate my way across a galaxy, but I get lost every time I come to Washington.
Samantha Carter: Don't worry, sir. These are my old stompin' grounds.
Jack O'Neill: Sorry to hear that.

Jack O'Neill: It's O'Neill, with *two* L's. There's another Colonel O'Neil with only one L. He has no sense of humor at all.

Jack O'Neill: Will you excuse me? We just don't get out of Cheyenne Mountain enough. I'm gonna grab some air... outside. General, Captain, General... waiter.

"Stargate SG-1: Bane (#2.10)" (1998)
[Maybourne has an order to take Teal'c for research]
Jack O'Neill: General Hammond, request permission to beat the crap out of this man.
[Hammond looks like he's considering it]

Samantha Carter: All I'm saying is that, not withstanding what happened to Teal'c, there may be invaluable technology on that planet.
Jack O'Neill: Carter, there are *bugs* on that planet. Big, huge, ugly, honkin' bugs!

Colonel Harry Maybourne: Striking an officer is a quick way to a court-martial.
Jack O'Neill: I'm not gonna hit you, Maybourne. I'm gonna shoot you.

Harry Maybourne: [quietly, to O'Neill only] Striking an officer is a quick way to a court-martial.
Jack O'Neill: [looks down at Harry] I'm not going to hit you, Maybourne. I'm going to shoot you.

"Stargate SG-1: Thor's Hammer (#1.9)" (1997)
Thor: This is your prison. Your technology will not function here. There are no luxuries, no worshipers, no slaves to do your bidding.
Jack O'Neill: Teal'c, I think we just got the answering machine.
Thor: Only basic sustenance, and time.
Jack O'Neill: Yeah, well, great. Thanks - thanks for the chat.

Teal'c: The old stories say Unas had great regenerative powers. But those are tales told to frighten children. It is a myth.
Jack O'Neill: Ah.
Teal'c: It was dead.
Jack O'Neill: That's good.
Teal'c: I believe.
Jack O'Neill: You believe?
Teal'c: I am certain.
Jack O'Neill: Positive?
Teal'c: I am.
Jack O'Neill: Just a myth.
Teal'c: A myth.
Jack O'Neill: Good.

Teal'c: Are you considering the same tactic as I?
Jack O'Neill: Teal'c, the clichè is "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" And the answer's yes.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: Do you know what this means?
Jack O'Neill: It's the only way out of here, Daniel.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: But what this thing can do for Sha're and Skaara...
Jack O'Neill: Teal'c's here now.
Teal'c: And here I will remain. I was with those who took the ones you love.
Jack O'Neill: No. You're part of this family now. We're not leaving you behind.

"Stargate SG-1: 2001 (#5.10)" (2001)
Major General George Hammond: The news must have come as a shock to them.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Ah, not really.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: What Jack is trying to say is that if they were surprised, they'd never show it.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: They don't get excited in general, General. It's like an entire planet of accountants.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: [after traveling to a world that looks exactly like Earth] Just when you think you're not in Kansas anymore, it turns out you are.

Mollem: Colonel, you seem pensive.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: No, I was just thinking.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: I just hope we don't regret giving them those gate addresses.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: I don't think we will... the first one being a black hole, and all. They get progressively darker after that.

"Stargate SG-1: The Other Side (#4.2)" (2000)
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Alright, I'm here two hours early. When did you get here?
Major Samantha Carter: I haven't left yet.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Didn't I order you to get a life?

Colonel Jack O'Neill: You've got that look.
Teal'c: To which look are you referring, O'Neill?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: The one that says, "I have misgivings about this mission, but deep down I know we're doing the right thing"?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: No, the other one.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Oh.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: Their whole world is in flames, and we're offering gasoline. How is that help?
Teal'c: We are in fact offering water.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Thank you.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: I was speaking metaphorically.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Well, stop it. It's not fair to Teal'c.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: So what's your impression of Alar?
Teal'c: That he is concealing something.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Like what?
Teal'c: I am unsure. He is concealing it.

"Stargate SG-1: Grace (#7.13)" (2004)
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Samantha, I'm a figment of your imagination. You're gonna call me *sir*?

Colonel Jack O'Neill: Teal'c and Daniel say 'hi'. Um, they're planning a little bit of a shindig for when you're up and around. There's talk of cake.
Major Samantha Carter: A cake?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: My idea.

Major Samantha Carter: Thank you, sir.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: For what?
Major Samantha Carter: Nothing.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Think *nothing* of it. I've got plenty of that.

Major Samantha Carter: Came to give me a pep talk?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: That's what friends are for.
Major Samantha Carter: Friends...
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Hey, this is you talking here. Might as well be honest.
Major Samantha Carter: What if I quit the Air Force? Would that change anything or is it just an excuse?

"Stargate SG-1: The Warrior (#5.18)" (2002)
Colonel Jack O'Neill: [two rebel Jaffa are battling] Hey! The hell you doin'?
Rebel Jaffa: We are training.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Where I come from that's called beatin' the crap out of each other.

K'tano: I honor he who would kill his god. And to his brethren of the Tau'ri, slayers of Ra, Hathor, Setesh, Heru-ur, Sokar, Cronus and Apophis.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Well... somebody's been keepin' score!

K'tano: I see you are a man who speaks his mind, O'Neill
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Yes, which is why I don't say much...

Colonel Jack O'Neill: This
[holds up Goa'uld staff]
Colonel Jack O'Neill: is a weapon of terror. It's made to intimidate the enemy. This
[holds up P90 machine gun]
Colonel Jack O'Neill: is a weapon of war. It's made to kill your enemy.

"Stargate SG-1: Reckoning: Part 1 (#8.16)" (2005)
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: I am so sorry. I was just finishing up a lovely brunch.
Ba'al: Impudence.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: No tuna.

Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: [talking to Ba'al about the Replicators] I've got a better idea. Instead of helping you, why don't we sit back and watch you get your ass kicked. That way you'll be dead and we'll be glad.
Ba'al: You cannot be serious.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: Yes I can. I just choose not to, some of the time.
Ba'al: With your insolence, you are dooming not just your world but all of humanity.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: I think big.
[Ba'al leaves]

Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: I'm sorry. You said we had a problem, not a big galactic emergency.

Jacob Carter/Selmak: My relationship with the counsel's still a little strained.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: It's not gonna get any better if you keep stealin' stuff. No complaints. I'll take anything I can get: weapons, receivers, silverware.

"Stargate SG-1: Abyss (#6.6)" (2002)
Ba'al: I am Ba'al.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: That's it? Just Ball? As in bocce?

Dr. Daniel Jackson: I'm energy now.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: How's that workin' out for you?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Good actually. Very...
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Good.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Very good.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: Okay. Show me your stuff. Bust me outta here.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: I can't.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Why not?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: I'm not allowed to interfere.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: You're interfering right now.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: No, I'm not.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Yes, you are.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: No, I'm not. I am consoling a friend.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: Jack, who are you talking to?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: A woman.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: There's nobody there.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Look who's talkin'.

"Stargate SG-1: Upgrades (#4.3)" (2000)
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Uh, General, sir? About the obviously impending court-martials, I'd like...
Major General: You were all under the influence of an alien technology, Colonel. That's a pretty solid defense.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Even so, I... I'm sorry.
Major Samantha Carter: Me too.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Me three.
Teal'c: I have no need to apologize.
Major General: Teal'c was actually following orders.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: [resignedly] Of course he was.

Major Samantha Carter: So, has it occurred to anyone that we're defying a direct order?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Well, it's not like we haven't defied orders before.
Major Samantha Carter: Well, yeah, but that was to save Earth.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Earth. Steaks. There's a difference?

Waitress: What can I get you?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Um, three of the biggest steaks you've got, with everything, rare, and baked potato.
Waitress: You got it!
[She starts to walk off]
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Excuse me... That was for me!
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Yeah, I'm gonna have three as well.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Four?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Four... Four is good, yeah.
Major Samantha Carter: Me too, and French fries with mine... oh and a diet soda!
[O'Neill and Jackson give her a funny look]
Major Samantha Carter: I like the taste better!

[the Tok'ra have showed up with a box]
Anise: You may call me Anise.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Anise?
Anise: It means "noble strength".
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Um, I'm Daniel. It means, uh, "God is my judge".
Colonel Jack O'Neill: I'm Jack. It means...
[gestures at the box]
Colonel Jack O'Neill: What's in the box?

"Stargate SG-1: Within the Serpent's Grasp (#1.21)" (1998)
Teal'c: If the coordinates are for a Goa'uld world which is not on the Abydos cartouche, the Goa'uld will most likely not expect us. I believe a medical attack could be successful.
Jack O'Neill: Surgical attack, Teal'c. It's called a surgical attack.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: Teal'c, what is this?
Teal'c: It is a Goa'uld long range visual communication device. Somewhat like your television, only much further advanced.
Jack O'Neill: Think it gets Showtime?

Jack O'Neill: I suggest the two of you figure out how get us back home.
Samantha Carter: Sir, the only way to do that would be to turn this thing around and go back to where we started.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Right, I'll just go tell the pilot.

Skaara: No part of the host survives.
Jack O'Neill: That's bullshit!

"Stargate SG-1: Watergate (#4.7)" (2000)
Colonel Jack O'Neill: [finding Maybourne frozen in the freezer] Holy frozen bad guys.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: Didn't you guys leave here in a submarine?
Major Samantha Carter: We, uh...
Daniel: The last thing I remember, we were being pulled into the...
Major Samantha Carter: Not really sure what happened, sir.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Here's a thought: We just exchanged hostages. It's just a thought.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: I suppose you expect my male bravado to kick in right about now?
Dr. Svetlana Markov: I've read your file.

Teal'c: [referencing Maybourne's corpse in a walk-in freezer after it exhales] Do not humans usually die when they are frozen?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Usually.

"Stargate SG-1: Chimera (#7.15)" (2004)
Colonel Jack O'Neill: [Sam is humming in the elevator] Humming?
Major Samantha Carter: I am?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: You are.
Major Samantha Carter: Sorry.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: What's his name?
Major Samantha Carter: Now, why would you...
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Humming.
Major Samantha Carter: Pete.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Pete?
Major Samantha Carter: Pete Shanahan. He's a cop.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Speeding again, are we?
Major Samantha Carter: From Denver. He's a friend of my brother.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Set up.
Major Samantha Carter: Pathetic, I know.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: No, it's great.
Major Samantha Carter: It's not serious or anything.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: And yet it is... humworthy.

Major General George Hammond: You're suggesting Osiris is here on Earth manipulating Dr. Jackson's dreams?
Major Samantha Carter: We think it's possible, sir.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Kinky.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: I'm just happy you're happy about something other than...quarks.
[both pause and look at each other for a long moment]
Colonel Jack O'Neill: That was good, wasn't it, quarks?
Major Samantha Carter: Very good sir.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: Teal'c is picking out his doughnuts. He *loves* a good stakeout.

"Stargate SG-1: Entity (#4.20)" (2001)
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Shouldn't there be a memo on this stuff?

Colonel Jack O'Neill: I'm not getting all my memos.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: [questioning Dr. Janet Fraiser's authority] Who put her in charge?
Major General George Hammond: The US Air Force.

"Stargate SG-1: Brief Candle (#1.8)" (1997)
Jack O'Neill: From now on, we stick to rations.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: Wow, this place is incredible. It's like we just stepped into the citadel at Mycenae.
Jack O'Neill: I thought you said it was Greek.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Oh, uh, Mycenae was an ancient city in the Southern Peloponnesus region.
Jack O'Neill: Where's that?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Greece.
Jack O'Neill: Why do I do that?

Dr. Daniel Jackson: It's a paradise.
Jack O'Neill: Yeah, sure. Have an apple. What could happen?

"Stargate SG-1: Evolution: Part 2 (#7.12)" (2003)
Rogelio: Don't worry. This is not the first time I've been shot. Save your friends.
[they still won't leave]
Rogelio: Please. They owe me lots of money.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Ah.

Burke: What's with the guy from Evil Dead?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Umm...
Burke: Classified?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Yeah.
Burke: [laughs] You guys are into some crazy crap, man!

Burke: Is that that thing that made that guy do that thing?
Dr. Daniel Jackson, Ph.D.: Yeah, it's okay, it's off now.
Jack O'Neill: Good. That's good.
Dr. Bill Lee: Yeah, at least we think it's off. It's not glowing anymore so...
Dr. Daniel Jackson, Ph.D.: Glowing thing really gives it away, so if it's not glowing anymore it shouldn't be on anymore.
Dr. Bill Lee: [to Daniel] Do you want to hold it?
Dr. Daniel Jackson, Ph.D.: Nope.
[Daniel hops twice sideways away from Lee]
Burke: [laughing madly] That's crazy!

"Stargate SG-1: Foothold (#3.14)" (1999)
Jack O'Neill: Just rain. Much rain. Wind, lightning, hail... did I mention the rain, sir?

Jack O'Neill: How's a needle in my butt gonna get water out of my ears?

[to a nurse with a needle]
Jack O'Neill: Listen, really jam it in this time, okay?

"Stargate SG-1: Cor-ai (#1.15)" (1998)
Dr. Daniel Jackson: That's interesting. I wonder if everyone's coming from some religious event.
Jack O'Neill: Why does it always have to be a religious thing with you? Maybe they're coming from a swap meet.

Hanno: Jaffa, you killed my father. For this crime punishment is death. I will now lead the Cor-Ai.
Jack O'Neill: Objection!
[crowd is suprised]
Jack O'Neill: That's something we say back on earth when-
[small pause]
Jack O'Neill: Never mind.

Major General George Hammond: Colonel, the United States is not in the business of interfering in other people's affairs.
Jack O'Neill: [short pause] Since when, Sir?

"Stargate SG-1: Proving Ground (#5.13)" (2001)
Colonel Jack O'Neill: [after a training simulation] Okay! So, we're all dead, and there's an armed Goa'uld on the loose! I gotta problem with that. Anybody else gotta problem with that?

Major Samantha Carter: [about a group of trainees] Try to remember when you were in their shoes.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: I wore boots.

Lieutenant Grogan: We kicked ass!
[Teal'c cocks his head and raises one eyebrow]
Colonel Jack O'Neill: You got yourself shot again, Grogan. Don't be so cocky.

"Stargate SG-1: Zero Hour (#8.4)" (2004)
Sgt. Walter Harriman: General O'Neill, Mark Gilmour. He's your new administrative aid.
Mark Gilmour: General.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: Did I order one of these...
Sgt. Walter Harriman: [speaking over him] No, sir.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: Do I really need...
Sgt. Walter Harriman: [speaking over him] Yes, sir.

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: General.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: Colonel. We've all met.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Yes, actually we know each other's life stories.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: That snippiness?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Is that a word?

Ba'al: You dare mock me?
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: Ba'al, come on, you should know. Of course I dare mock you.

"Stargate SG-1: The Nox (#1.7)" (1997)
Jack O'Neill: Wasn't I just...?
Samantha Carter: Killed.
Jack O'Neill: Killed as in...
Samantha Carter: Dead.
Jack O'Neill: Dead.
Samantha Carter: Yeah, we know. We saw it happen. Same thing happened to us.
Jack O'Neill: Well, this is a surprise, then.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: I think they're a family.
Jack O'Neill: Of what?

Jack O'Neill: The very young do not always do as they're told.

"Stargate SG-1: A Matter of Time (#2.16)" (1999)
Colonel Frank Cromwell: [about Carter] Man, she's...
Jack O'Neill: Way smarter than we are. I know.

Jack O'Neill: What's with the "worm" part?

Jack O'Neill: Captain Carter, Colonel Cromwell. He's come to rescue us. But I wouldn't count on it.

"Stargate SG-1: Threads (#8.18)" (2005)
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: [O'Neill's arm is around her shoulders and she is leaning into him, for comfort] Thank you, sir.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: For what?
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: For being here for me.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: [pauses and looks at her] Always.

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: Sir, I wanted to talk to you about...
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: Carter.
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: We haven't heard from him in a week.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: Doesn't mean anything.
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: Sir, we know he was captured by replicators. Chances are, he was on board a replicator ship when it disintegrated.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: All we know for sure is that he's missing.
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: Sooner or later...
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: Forget it! I'm not fallin' for it this time.
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: Falling for it?
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: Yeah. How many times have you thought he was gone, and then he shows up... in one form or another? I'm sorry, but we're not having a memorial service for someone who is not dead.
[to the air]
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: You hear that? I'm not buyin' it!
[turns back to Carter who is staring at him]
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: What? He's just waitin' for us to say a bunch of nice things about him. Next thing ya know, he'll come waltzin' through that door, like, right now.
[they look at the door]
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: Waltzing... now...

Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: So... what brings you to this neck of the woods, on such a fine day, in my backyard?
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: Well actually, I've been sitting in your driveway for the last ten minutes, trying to work up the nerve to come and talk to you. The truth is, I've been trying to work up the nerve for a lot longer than that.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: Oh?
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: Pete put a downpayment down on a house. It's a beautiful house. But... The truth is, I'm having second thoughts about the wedding.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: Why?
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: See, the thing is, the closer it gets, the more I get the feeling that... I'm making a big, huge mistake.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: Look Carter, I don't know what...
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: I'm sorry to bother you with this but, see, there's actually a good reason that I'm bothering you with this and if I don't tell you now, I might never...
Kerry Johnson: Jack, I looked everywhere, but I could not... Colonel Carter!
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: [coldly] Miss Johnson.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: We were just meeting here, in my backyard on this fine day to discuss the state of affairs.
[splashes beer everywhere]
Kerry Johnson: Well this is awkward.
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: Ya think?

"Stargate SG-1: Fair Game (#3.3)" (1999)
Jack O'Neill: Certainly not those lyin', schemin', no-good-for-nothin', slimey, over-dressed...
Samantha Carter: Sir.
Jack O'Neill: ...style-mongers.
Samantha Carter: I'd like to try something.
Jack O'Neill: I wasn't finished.

Jack O'Neill: Chronus doesn't know that. And Nirrti doesn't know what else we know.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Which is nothing.
Jack O'Neill: Right. But she doesn't know we know nothing.
General Hammond: What are you suggesting?
Jack O'Neill: I'm just saying, maybe it's time we take a page out of the Asgard book on dealin' with these Goa'ulds.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: You're gonna bluff.

[Trying to get advice from Thor, although he is not allowed to interfere]
Colonel Jack O'Neill: All right, send me back. Wait! Ah... Right there. Is that a head nod? A nod is usually down, then back up. You kinda just went down, right- Wait! I'll take...
[O'Neill is beamed back to Earth]

"Stargate SG-1: Nemesis (#3.22)" (2000)
Jack O'Neill: You know, maybe it's just me, but I always thought that when one got some leave, one actually *left*.

Thor: The Replicators were brought aboard an Asgard ship, for study, before the danger could be fully comprehended.
Jack O'Neill: We do that all the time. Kind of expected more from you guys.

Jack O'Neill: [Daniel has just gotten his appendix removed] Can I see your scar?
Dr. Daniel Jackson, Ph.D.: No.

"Stargate SG-1: Avatar (#8.6)" (2004)
Teal'c: We have won.
Jack O'Neill: Well, that's what we do.

Dr. Bill Lee: We've been working on this chair for two years to make it a viable virtual reality training tool for SGC personnel.
Teal'c: You have failed.
Jack O'Neill: He's nothing if not honest.
Dr. Bill Lee: Well, I mean - I mean, maybe we could, er, it could use a little more work but...
Jack O'Neill: Can you make it harder... more difficult?
Dr. Bill Lee: Well, I mean, we can input, uh, the parameters for different scenarios, but the vast majority of the simulation array comes from the mind of the user. It- The programming is actually built by interfacing memories from the individual's consciousness with the chair's matrix.
Jack O'Neill: Carter, all I heard was "Matrix", and I found those films *quite* confusing.

Dr. Carmichael: [after injecting Teal'c's heart with adrenaline] That's not gonna work again.
Jack O'Neill: I don't wanna *see* that again!

"Stargate SG-1: Point of No Return (#4.11)" (2000)
Dr. Daniel Jackson: I hope it's important. I was right in the middle of translating that cuneiform tablet we found on P3L-255.
Major Samantha Carter: I still have to finish recalibrating MALP 3K sensors for long-term reconnaissance on P5X-3D7.
Teal'c: I was unable to complete my Kel no'reem.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: I was just about to do something important.

[Marty has handed Jack a toothpick]
Martin Lloyd: I propped it up against the inside of my door. When I got home, it was on the ground, meaning someone was there.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: If you prop it up against the inside of the door, how do you get out?
Martin Lloyd: Through the window! You think I'm so stupid I go out my own front door?

Martin Lloyd: A top secret government program involving instantaneous travel to other solar systems by means of a device known as a Stargate.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Sounds like a good idea for a TV show. If you're into that sort of thing.

"Stargate SG-1: Message in a Bottle (#2.7)" (1998)
Teal'c: The symbiote I carry appears to protect me.
Jack O'Neill: Way to go, Junior!

Samantha Carter: If Daniel's right, this artifact has been doing this since Neanderthals were still a dominant species on Earth.
Jack O'Neill: Ah, that takes me back.

Jack O'Neill: Teal'c, you don't have to stick around.
Teal'c: Undomesticated equines could not remove me.
Jack O'Neill: Wild horses, Teal'c.

"Stargate SG-1: Lost City: Part 2 (#7.22)" (2004)
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Well, have you got everything you need? I think there's still a sink in the kitchen.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Is that a joke?
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Perhaps. A bad one.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Yes, very bad. But I sense hope for you.

Major Samantha Carter: What's eight down?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Um...label. With those empty spaces I think the answer is supposed to be identification. Thirteen across is sphere. Jack, this is it.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Now, see I assume we still speak the same language...mostly.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Sphere...planet. Label...name.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Following...still...you...not!
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Praclarush taonas. I...I think you wrote the name of the planet we will find the Lost City in the crossword.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Bit of a jump?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Why else would you do that?
Major Samantha Carter: The clue for seven down is "celestial body" and he wrote Uma Thurman.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Yes!

Samantha Carter: The clue for seven-down is "celestial body" and he wrote Uma Thurman.
Jack O'Neill: Yes.

"Stargate SG-1: Fire and Water (#1.12)" (1997)
Dr. McKenzie: I've had a great deal of success with hypnosis.
Jack O'Neill: Hypnosis. You know, I'm not a big fan of that bark like a chicken, cluck like a dog stuff.

Samantha Carter: [about Daniel's stuff] I wonder what they're gonna do with all this stuff.
Jack O'Neill: Maybe give it to a museum. Or start one.

[after Jack has broken a car window and General Hammond has calmed him down]
General Hammond: You know that's my car, don't ya?
Jack O'Neill: You should get that window fixed.

"Stargate SG-1: Singularity (#1.14)" (1997)
Jack O'Neill: We have a rule here on Earth. Every kid has got to have a dog.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: So, what exactly are we gonna see after this eclipse begins? I mean, it is black, and it is a hole.
Jack O'Neill: Well, it might be a black hole.

Jack O'Neill: Actually, it's called the accretion disk.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Well, I guess it's easy to understand why the local population would be afraid of something like-
[looks at Jack]
Dr. Daniel Jackson: What did you just say?
Jack O'Neill: It's just an astronomical term.
Samantha Carter: You didn't think the Colonel had a telescope on his roof just to look at the neighbors, did ya?
Jack O'Neill: Not initially.

"Stargate SG-1: Pretense (#3.15)" (2000)
Samantha Carter: So you built that... stargate?
Narim: Yes.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: *Way* smarter than we are.
Jack O'Neill: Ours is bigger.

Narim: No harm will come to you. The Tollan will guarantee it.
Jack O'Neill: Is that a "money back if you're not completely alive" guarantee?

Samantha Carter: Sir, what makes you so confident?
Jack O'Neill: Because Lya is a fair and insightful person who will vote our way. Besides, she likes us.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Lya likes everyone. That's the Nox way.

"Stargate SG-1: The Shroud (#10.14)" (2007)
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Jack, you have to believe me.
Major General Jack O'Neill: Why?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: "Why?" Well, because, oh, I don't know, the fate of the galaxy hangs in the balance.
Major General Jack O'Neill: You know, that old chestnut's gettin' a little... old.

Major General Jack O'Neill: You of all people should know that I don't believe anything anybody says, even if I understand what they're talkin' about!

Major General Jack O'Neill: Yep! Just like old times. Except, I'm here against my will and you look like Marcel Marceau.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Yeah. You know, some things change, but others stay the same.

"Stargate SG-1: New Ground (#3.19)" (2000)
Commander Rigar: Let us talk about your friend in the woods.
Jack O'Neill: I have no friends... in the woods or otherwise.

Commander Rigar: Wormhole?
Jack O'Neill: Giant worms. Huge.

Jack O'Neill: Hey, Rigar. You know that "we come in peace" business? Bite me.

"Stargate SG-1: Enemies (#5.1)" (2001)
Colonel Jack O'Neill: I'm enjoying their style. Shoot first, send flowers later.

Major Samantha Carter: This way, sir. It's not far.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Carter, how do you know where to go in a place like this?
Major Samantha Carter: I studied the Tok'ra specs of the ship while we were on Vorash.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: You know how to have a good time, don't you?
Major Samantha Carter: Havin' a good time now, sir.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: You go, girl.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: I believe someone said "We're not gonna make it!"
Jacob Carter/Selmak: Sam, let's get the hyperdrive running.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Excuse me. I distinctly remember someone saying "We're not gonna make it!" I think we made it.
Jacob Carter/Selmak: I'm sorry , I over-reacted. At the time it looked very much like we weren't going to make it.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Yes, well, maybe next time you'll just wait and see.
Jacob Carter/Selmak: And blow the last chance I might ever have to be right?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: What?
Major Samantha Carter: [grinning] Welcome to my life!
Colonel Jack O'Neill: What?

"Stargate SG-1: It's Good to Be King (#8.13)" (2005)
Harry 'King Arkhan The First' Maybourne: I guess, uh, congratulations are in order. You made general.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: You made king.
Harry 'King Arkhan The First' Maybourne: Right. Well, it's, uh, not a contest.

[about to start up a ship with a time machine]
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: How do we know we're not gonna end up back at the Alamo?
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: Uh, well for one thing, that was on Earth.

Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: [after being captured for the umpteenth time] God I miss goin' offworld.

"Stargate SG-1: Emancipation (#1.3)" (1997)
Jack O'Neill: The hell with culture - a member of my team has been neutralized. That's a hostile act.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: How is it that you always come up with the worst case scenario?
Jack O'Neill: I practice.

Jack O'Neill: Damn! Guess I'm gonna have to cancel that Oprah interview.
Teal'c: What is an "Oprah"?

"Stargate SG-1: Between Two Fires (#5.9)" (2001)
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Do you people *practice* being vague?

Dr. Daniel Jackson: So, push on blindly then.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Blindly, yes. But we still have our slightly heightened sense of smell.

"Stargate SG-1: Affinity (#8.7)" (2004)
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: Carter.
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: Sir?
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: I never thought I'd hear myself utter these words. I need that report.

Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: I'm joking. I don't need the report.
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: Well, then why...
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: Because something's goin' on with you. You haven't tried to confuse me with any scientific babble for the last couple of days and that's a red flag to me.

"Stargate SG-1: The Curse (#4.13)" (2000)
[O'Neill and Teal'c are fishing at O'Neill's cabin]
Teal'c: There appears to be no fish here, O'Neill.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: T, it's not about the actual fish, themselves. Fish are not important in this context. It's about fish-ing, the act of fishing itself.
Teal'c: I see.
[cell phone rings]
Colonel Jack O'Neill: You didn't?
Teal'c: By request of General Hammond.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: [mutters] No way.
[Teal'c slaps a mosquito as he answers phone shouting]
Colonel Jack O'Neill: What?
[calmer]
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Yes Daniel, he's right here. Please hold.
[hands the phone to Teal'c]
Teal'c: Daniel Jackson. We have caught nothing. We are fishing.

[Daniel asks for a translation over the phone]
Teal'c: "Banished to oblivion."
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Right. Okay, uh, thank you.
Teal'c: If you require assistance, I would be more than happy to return to the SGC.
[O'Neill looks annoyed]
Dr. Daniel Jackson: No, thanks. I-I think I can take it from here.
Teal'c: Are you certain?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Give me that!
[takes the phone]
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Goodbye, Daniel.
[he hangs up, removes the battery and throws it away]

"Stargate SG-1: Into the Fire (#3.1)" (1999)
[the enemy thinks O'Neill is a Goa'uld. He walks towards the enemy standing by the gate]
Jack O'Neill: Jaffa. Kree!
Major General Trofsky: [Speaks a sentence of Goa'uld vernacular]
Jack O'Neill: You heard me. I said, "Kree!"

Jack O'Neill: Our beloved Hathor is dead.
Major General Trofsky: What you say is impossible. Hathor is a queen. More than that, she is a goddess.
Jack O'Neill: Yeah, okay. Ex-goddess, maybe. I killed her myself. You should trust me on this. She's gone. She is no more. She's... Well let's face it, she's a former queen.

"Stargate SG-1: Family (#2.8)" (1998)
Jack O'Neill: If we can pull this off, Sir, we can grab Teal'c's kid and nail this mother
[small pause]
Jack O'Neill: Goa'uld in one sweep.

Jack O'Neill: Well, you got a price on your head, you're doing your job.

"Stargate SG-1: Reckoning: Part 2 (#8.17)" (2005)
[about to blow their way through a blast door with C-4]
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: Use two of those things.
Colonel Reynolds: Sir?
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: It's a *blast* door.

Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: I expect to be put in your will.
Sgt. Siler: Already in it, sir.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: Okay, that's... weird.

"Stargate SG-1: Need (#2.5)" (1998)
Sam Carter: Sir, I think it has something to do with the Goa'uld that invaded me. Lately I - I get this weird feeling when I'm near Teal'c.
Jack O'Neill: Hey, who doesn't?

[SG-1 has been made slaves in a mine]
Jack O'Neill: You know, I've seen an awful lot of union violations around here. I should probably speak to your supervisor.

"Stargate SG-1: Holiday (#2.17)" (1999)
Jack O'Neill: [Testing to see if Machello really is Daniel] All right. Describe for me the dress your sister wore last week when I took her out.
Daniel Jackson/Machello: I don't have a sister, Jack. And if I did I wouldn't let you near her.

Jack O'Neill: [as Teal'c] It did not go well, General Hammond.
Teal'c: [as Jack; sarcastically] Ya think?

"Stargate SG-1: Forsaken (#6.18)" (2003)
Colonel Jack O'Neill: [quietly singing to himself, walks up to Major Carter prepping a telescope] Lots of interesting nebulous things going on?
Major Samantha Carter: Yes, sir.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: [takes off sunglasses and peers into telescope, pause] I don't see squat.
Major Samantha Carter: Well, you wouldn't, sir... during the day.
[Jack clears his throat]
Major Samantha Carter: When the local sun sets and it gets dark, you can actually see a luminous layer of ionized gas around the dying core expanding.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Fascinating.
Major Samantha Carter: You don't care?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Hey, I like gas as much as the next guy.

Jonas Quinn: We're peaceful explorers, okay? We didn't come here to harm anybody.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Unless otherwise provoked.

"Stargate SG-1: Origin (#9.3)" (2005)
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Well, I suppose after you've saved the world seven or eight times.
Major General Jack O'Neill: Who's counting, huh?
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Teal'c. Actually, he mentions it quite often.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: We've been up against some pretty bad guys before.
Major General Jack O'Neill: Uhhh... not so pretty. Overdressed yes.

"Stargate SG-1: Learning Curve (#3.5)" (1999)
Jack O'Neill: So Merrin, I understand you're a reactor expert.
Merrin: Yes.
Jack O'Neill: How old are you?
Merrin: I'm eleven. How old are you?
Jack O'Neill: So... Merrin, I understand you're a reactor expert.

Jack O'Neill: Okay, uh... fun is what you do to make yourself happy, like music, games. It's whatever you do when you're not learning to be a Rocket Scientist.
Merrin: I am here to teach Major Carter about the reactor.
Major Samantha Carter: sounds like fun to me.

"Stargate SG-1: Enemy Mine (#7.7)" (2003)
Daniel: What's this? Artifacts?
Major Lorne: Yes.
Daniel: You found all this and-and you didn't contact me?
Major Lorne: We were going to.
Daniel: They've been moved.
Major Lorne: Well, they were in the way.
[Daniel gets a sour look on his face]
Jack O'Neill: Daniel?
[pats Daniel on the shoulder]
Jack O'Neill: Go to your happy place.

Daniel: [O'Neill's arm has been dislocated during a skirmish with Unas] Uh, if we go back to this planet, you're not comin' with us, are you?
Jack O'Neill: [looks at his arm] It's doubtful...
Daniel: Yeah, that's too bad. I was kinda hoping you'd take command of the mission...
Daniel: [explains to Major Carter] Colonel Edwards has no experience dealing with the Unas.
Jack O'Neill: Nor you.
[Daniel ponders this, nods head in submission to valid point]
Jack O'Neill: He's an ok guy, Daniel. He's just under a lot of pressure.
Daniel: Yeah.
[sigh]
Daniel: Yeah. I- I guess I just spent a lot of time breakin' you in, I just didn't wanna have to start with a new colonel.

"Stargate SG-1: Menace (#5.19)" (2002)
SG-3 Leader: Colonel, you said to look for anything uncharacteristic of the indigenous technology.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: *I* would never say anything like that, Major.

Major Samantha Carter: Maybe she has some sort of programming that prevents her from acknowledging she's anything but human.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Robot denial?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Looks that way.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Has it occurred to anyone that this thing may have been laying around that planet for quite some time and that maybe it's broken? Or perhaps it never worked right in the first place.
Major Samantha Carter: So you think we should just shut her down?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Oh, I don't know. Let's ask the man who just had his head cracked open.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: I don't think she meant to hurt me, I just don't think she liked what I was saying.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: I don't like most of what you say but I try to resist the urge to shove you through a wall.

"Stargate SG-1: 48 Hours (#5.14)" (2001)
Colonel Harry Maybourne: Hi, Jack.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: You rat bastard!
Colonel Harry Maybourne: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Take it easy.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: I am *so* gonna kick your ass!

Colonel Harry Maybourne: If you need me, I'm at the Accent Inn checked in under the name of Cassidy.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: David or Shaun?
Colonel Harry Maybourne: Butch.

"Stargate SG-1: Sacrifices (#8.9)" (2004)
[Daniel has explained in length the current status of the Jaffa rebellion]
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: What was my question again?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Um, "How's it going?"
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: It seemed so innocuous at the time.

Master Bra'tac: The warriors of Hakt'yl are grateful for your generosity.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: Well, you know me, always willing to help those who... need help.
Master Bra'tac: You are indeed a wise and gracious leader, O'Neill of Minnesota.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: Sit down you old coot.

"Stargate SG-1: Hathor (#1.13)" (1997)
Daniel Jackson: Hathor was the Egyptian goddess of fertility, inebriety, and music.
Jack O'Neill: Sex, drugs, and rock & roll?
Daniel Jackson: In a manner of speaking.

Jack O'Neill: Is mental illness contagious?

"Stargate: Atlantis: The Return: Part 1 (#3.10)" (2006)
Major General Hank Landry: You're not a test pilot anymore, Jack.
Major General Jack O'Neill: That's what the President said!

Major General Hank Landry: You're just mad you didn't get to fly the maiden voyage your self.
Major General Jack O'Neill: General, I am quite found of both maidens and voyages... I mean put the two together and...

"Stargate SG-1: The First Commandment (#1.5)" (1997)
Jack O'Neill: Well, we're off to see the Wizard.

Jack O'Neill: Look, I'm no expert on this thing. I generally remember one Commandment, I think it's the first.
Sam Carter: "I am the Lord, your God, and you shall take no other Gods before me"?
Jack O'Neill: Okay, it's not the first one.

"Stargate SG-1: The Fifth Man (#5.4)" (2001)
Colonel Jack O'Neill: I wasn't gonna let you die, Lieutenant. It's, like, a ton of paper work.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: You know what the Goa'uld really want from us? Minnesota. That's what. For the fishing mostly.

"Stargate SG-1: The Devil You Know (#3.13)" (1999)
Jack O'Neill: They put that damn memory thing on me. And then they gave me something that reminded me of the '70s.

Jack O'Neill: Iced tea... air conditioning... water.

"Stargate SG-1: Forever in a Day (#3.10)" (1999)
Jack O'Neill: We both know you can't stay away.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Then I guess we're both wrong, 'cause I'm gone.
Jack O'Neill: Give it a week. You'll miss me.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Yes, all the salty, bad-tempered insults, all the illogical arguments...
Jack O'Neill: Okay, you'll miss Carter and Teal'c.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: Let's just say that there's something through the Stargate that I think I still have to be the one to find.
Jack O'Neill: Now, see, I miss that. I have no idea what it means, but I buy it.

"Stargate SG-1: Orpheus (#7.4)" (2003)
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Take a break. Fraiser says Teal'c needs a little pep talk.
[acts proud]
Colonel Jack O'Neill: I've been practicing in front of a mirror for an hour.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Not 'peppy' enough?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Not really...
[Dr. Jackson nods and gets up]

Dr. Daniel Jackson: [Teal'c, Rya'c, Bra'tac, and Rak'nor have all been taken prisoner] This is my fault.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: How's that?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: 'Cause I should have done something when I had the chance... when I had the power...
Colonel Jack O'Neill: I think we've already established that wouldn't've worked out either.
[pause]
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Nope! It's time for Plan B.
Major Samantha Carter: We have a Plan B?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: No, but it's time for one.

"Stargate SG-1: The Gamekeeper (#2.4)" (1998)
Jack O'Neill: Um, General. Without meaning - this time - to sound like... a smartass... are you cracked?

[SG-1 pops out the Gate in the middle of a beautiful garden]
Captain: This is beautiful.
Jack O'Neill: Yeah. But where there's a garden, there's snakes.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: And flowers.
[sneezes]
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Way too many flowers.

"Stargate SG-1: Touchstone (#2.14)" (1998)
Jack O'Neill: We came here in peace... we expect to go in one... piece.

Samantha Carter: And the high priest turns a series of calibrated rings which seem to determine meteorological conditions over the entire planet's surface.
General Hammond: Do we have any idea what makes it tick?
Jack O'Neill: That's why we'd like to go back, sir. Carter wants to get a closer look with some of her specialized do-hickeys.
General Hammond: Do-hickeys?
Jack O'Neill: I believe that's the technical term, sir.

"Stargate SG-1: Tin Man (#1.18)" (1998)
Jack O'Neill: Well, that sounds ominous...

Harlan: Hubald, he was the creator of all this, but he died very early - too early. Took many secrets with him, so long ago.
Jack O'Neill: How long, exactly?
Harlan: Uh, exactly? 99,207,000 of your... hours.
Jack O'Neill: [immediately] Well, that's 11,000 years.
Samantha Carter: How did *you* know that?
Jack O'Neill: That's right?
Samantha Carter: [calculating] Yeah.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Wait, how did *you* know that?

"Stargate SG-1: Ascension (#5.3)" (2001)
Jack O'Neill: So, now what?
Teal'c: I have read of a place where humans do battle in a ring of Jell-O.
Jack O'Neill: Call Daniel.

Jack O'Neill: We brought pizza and a movie.
Teal'c: Star Wars.
Jack O'Neill: He's seen it, what? Eight times?
Teal'c: Nine.
Jack O'Neill: Nine times. If Teal'c likes it, it's gotta be okay.
Major Samantha Carter: You've never seen Star Wars?
Jack O'Neill: Well, you know me and sci-fi.

"Stargate SG-1: 2010 (#4.16)" (2001)
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Let me tell ya somthin', Carter. You wanna erase your mistakes, that's your business. My conscience is clear. I warned everybody. I threw up the red flag and everybody, including you, shut me down.
Major Samantha Carter: I'm asking you to put that behind us.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: You're not happy with the way things turned out, I'm sorry to hear that. Personally, I like things the way they are. No more savin' the world, just a nice pond with no pesky fish in it. And the single most pressing issue in my life is whether or not to get a dog.

[imitating a tour guide in what was once Stargate Command]
Colonel Jack O'Neill: ...And we're walking.

"Stargate SG-1: Serpent's Song (#2.18)" (1999)
Jack O'Neill: What do you want?
Apophis: To live.
Jack O'Neill: Can't help you there. That's between you and your god. Oh, wait a minute, you *are* your god. That's a problem.

Apophis: I am worth far more to you than you will admit.
Jack O'Neill: You tell me what are you worth?
Apophis: Your people, they are still primitive. They will be destroyed.
Jack O'Neill: You don't look like you're up to it.
Apophis: Not me. There is another.
Jack O'Neill: Yeah? Who?
Apophis: There is much you would learn from me, Tau'ri.
[breathes heavily]
Apophis: But for that knowledge there is a price.
[O'Neill rolls his eyes]
Apophis: A new host.
Jack O'Neill: [raises his eyebrows] A host?
Apophis: So that I may live. In exchange for all the knowledge of the Goa'uld. The secrets of star travel, our weapons, our power.
Jack O'Neill: All that...
Apophis: In time, more.
Jack O'Neill: [leans down further] Go to hell.
Apophis: A single human life is worth so much you would risk a world?
Jack O'Neill: That's right. That's why they call us the good guys.
[Apophis lies back and exhales]
Jack O'Neill: [Directed at Fraiser, but still looking at Apophis] Doc, let me know when he dies.

"Stargate SG-1: Prodigy (#4.19)" (2001)
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Look, doctor, this is another planet.
Dr. Hamilton: Actually, it's a moon. We're orbiting that gas giant.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Oh, well, if it's a *moon*, go ahead do whatever you want. What could happen?

Teal'c: [Teal'c is preparing to shot O'Neill with a zatgun so that the electromangetic field will repel the energy based life forms] Are you ready, O'Neill?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: No. Give me a warning.
Teal'c: [Teal'c point the zat at O'Neill] I'm going to shoot you.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: I was thinkin' more along the lines of "On three".
Colonel Jack O'Neill: O.K. One.
[Teal'c shoots him]

"Stargate SG-1: Memento (#6.20)" (2003)
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Have ya looked around?

Samantha Carter: [talking about fixing the hyperdrive buffer] It's like a... a light bulb that's burned out. You can't just fix it.
Jack O'Neill: Do we... have any extra bulbs?
Colonel William Ronson: There is no redundancy for that particular system.
Jack O'Neill: So, you're saying there's no redundancy?
[Teal'c who's zoned out by now, looks back at O'Neill at that repetition]

"Stargate SG-1: Revelations (#5.22)" (2002)
Teal'c: In which case, our chances of escape are negligible.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Oh, I don't know. All we gotta do is bust outta here, take out every Jaffa between here and the Pel'tak, commandeer the ship and fly on home.
Teal'c: [dryly] I stand corrected.

"Stargate SG-1: Birthright (#7.10)" (2003)
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Well this is... odd.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Maybe they just feel more comfortable talking to Sam.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Why, because we have penises?

"Stargate SG-1: The Tok'ra: Part 1 (#2.11)" (1998)
Jack O'Neill: Assuming, of course, you are the Tok'ra.
Cordesh: And if we're not?
Jack O'Neill: Well, I guess we all start shooting. There's blood, death, hard feelings; it'd suck.

"Stargate SG-1: Gemini (#8.11)" (2004)
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: We need the Asgard to send us a disrupter satellite as soon as possible.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: I've already talked to him. He'll be there in thirty minutes, or it's free.

"Stargate SG-1: Avalon: Part 1 (#9.1)" (2005)
Major General Hank Landry: A general's only as good as the people he commands.
Major General Jack O'Neill: Who said that?
Major General Hank Landry: I just did.

"Stargate SG-1: The First Ones (#4.8)" (2000)
Colonel Jack O'Neill: I'm tellin' you, it's gotta be Hawkins.
Teal'c: [raises eyebrow] Trust in me O'Neill.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: What if I'm not O'Neill?
Teal'c: Then I was not talking to you.

"Stargate SG-1: Shadow Play (#6.7)" (2002)
Colonel Jack O'Neill: I hope you diplomatically told him where to shove it.

"Stargate SG-1: Legacy (#3.4)" (1999)
Jack O'Neill: I'd like to apologize in advance for anything I may say or do that could be construed as offensive, as I slowly go NUTS!

"Stargate SG-1: Meridian (#5.21)" (2002)
[talking to a dying Daniel Jackson]
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Because despite the fact that you've been a terrific pain in the ass for the last five years, I may have... might have, um, grown to admire you, a little. I think.

"Stargate SG-1: Enigma (#1.16)" (1998)
Jack O'Neill: What?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Oh, just thinking what the little guy with the funny hair once told us.
Jack O'Neill: The very young do not always do as they're told?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Yeah.

"SGU Stargate Universe: Subversion (#1.18)" (2010)
Lieutenant General Jack O'Neill: Everett, I'll have you know I'm missing a national security briefing for this.
Everett Young: Sorry about that, sir.
Lieutenant General Jack O'Neill: Well... If you'd ever been to a national security briefing you wouldn't say that.

"Stargate SG-1: Fallout (#7.14)" (2004)
First Minister Dreylock: Kelowna will accept nothing less than equal representation.
Eremal: Really? Kelowna is solely responsible for this problem.
First Minister Dreylock: Need I remind you that the stargate is in our possession?
Tarthus: For the moment.
First Minister Dreylock: Is that a threat?
Tarthus: It's an assurance that when it comes to the survival of our people, we will do whatever is necessary.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: What, so now you want to go to war? My friends are trying to save your world, and you want to destroy it?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Oh, save your breath, Daniel!
[to the Langarans]
Colonel Jack O'Neill: You folks are done.
First Minister Dreylock: I don't understand.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Well, you see, we actually like the Madronans. They're nice people. And we've decided there's no way we'd subject them to the likes of you. Deal's off. You're toast.
Tarthus: General?
Major General George Hammond: Colonel O'Neill's right. You can stay until we hear back from Jonas and Major Carter.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: That's what you get for dicking around.

"Stargate SG-1: 200 (#10.6)" (2006)
Major General Jack O'Neill: I can sneak around all I want, totally undetected. I give us the element of surprise. The bottom line is, I can do more for this planet invisible than I ever could as my own sweet salient self.
Teal'c: I assume I am staring at you stoically.
Major General Jack O'Neill: Not buying it, eh?
Teal'c: No. You are most transparent, O'Neill.
Major General Jack O'Neill: Oh, I get it. Good one.
Teal'c: I can see right through you.
Major General Jack O'Neill: Don't push it.

"Stargate SG-1: Spirits (#2.13)" (1998)
Jack O'Neill: Is anyone at the Pentagon, or along the chain of command, remotely concerned about their Aboriginal rights, repeating history, that annoyingly pesky moral stuff?

"Stargate SG-1: Evolution: Part 1 (#7.11)" (2003)
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Reynolds, I want flanking positions set up on either side of the clearing. Rig the perimeter with C4.
Colonel Reynolds: Not much faith in Plan A?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Since when has Plan A ever worked?

"Stargate SG-1: Full Alert (#8.14)" (2005)
Robert Kinsey: You want me to wear a wire?
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: That's the deal.
Robert Kinsey: I am not a spy.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: Think of this this way. If you don't do what they want, they'll kill you. If you don't do what we want... we'll let 'em.

"Stargate SG-1: Bloodlines (#1.11)" (1997)
Jack O'Neill: All right, here's the plan.
Master Bra'tac: You will do as I say.
Jack O'Neill: Right.

"Stargate SG-1: Past and Present (#3.11)" (1999)
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Let me ask you a question. Who would you trust with your life more than anyone else in the world? Don't worry, I won't be offended if you don't pick me. Could it be Teal'c?
Jack O'Neill: Sure.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Ah, Teal'c, just refresh my memory. What was your previous occupation?
Teal'c: I was First Prime of Apophis.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Right. Did a few nasty things back then?

"Stargate SG-1: Scorched Earth (#4.9)" (2000)
Major Samantha Carter: Question is, will they listen?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Well, the real question is, will they have ears?

"Stargate SG-1: New Order: Part 2 (#8.2)" (2004)
Colonel Jack O'Neill: [trying to decide if he should accept his promotion] I've spent my whole life stickin' it to the man. If I do this, I'll be the man. I don't think I can be the man.

"Stargate SG-1: There But for the Grace of God (#1.19)" (1998)
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Good morning campers.

"Stargate SG-1: Thor's Chariot (#2.6)" (1998)
Teal'c: The destruction of the hammer device to save my life may have caused this. If so, I am responsible.
Jack O'Neill: General, I gave the order.
Dr. Daniel Jackson, Ph.D.: And I fired the staff at the machine.
Samantha Carter: And I... was there.

"Stargate SG-1: Double Jeopardy (#4.21)" (2001)
Major General George Hammond: Colonel O'Neill, it was my understanding that the robots agreed to bury their Stargate and never leave their planet.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: [pause] Yes sir...
Major General George Hammond: Then it would seem that your robot counterpart is equally as good at following orders as you.

"Stargate SG-1: The Sentinel (#5.20)" (2002)
Colonel Sean Grieves: I'll say it again, I don't like the idea of going into this unarmed.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: And... I don't care.
Lieutenant Kershaw: I feel better just knowing there's an archaeologist watching our backs.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: [holds up a knife] Yeah, which end do the bullets go in again?
Colonel Sean Grieves: I'd be happy to show you.

"Stargate SG-1: Space Race (#7.8)" (2003)
Major Samantha Carter: What is this?
Warrick: A complete operations manual for the Seberus. I had it translated for you.
Major Samantha Carter: Thank you.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: That's not our language.
Major Samantha Carter: It's mine, sir.

"Stargate SG-1: Prometheus Unbound (#8.12)" (2004)
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: I didn't let you go in the first place. What makes you think I'm gonna change my mind?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Because...
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: Can you try to do better than that?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Because they're going to need somebody who can translate Ancient. I'm the most qualified person left on the planet for the mission.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: Which is exactly why you're gonna stay right here.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: [desperately] Because I'll quit!
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: Why don't you just hold your breath? You haven't done that in a while.

"Stargate SG-1: Cold Lazarus (#1.6)" (1997)
Jack O'Neill: Come on, get me outta here.
[pause]
Jack O'Neill: Tell ya what, let me put it nicely. Get me the *hell* outta here!

"Stargate SG-1: Endgame (#8.10)" (2004)
Dr. Daniel Jackson: They'll never see it coming.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: Which is one of the advantages of a totally insane idea!
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Yeah... Where'd I learn that from?

"Stargate SG-1: Smoke & Mirrors (#6.14)" (2002)
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Someone duplicated the duplicators?

"Stargate SG-1: Frozen (#6.4)" (2002)
Jack O'Neill: D'oh!
Teal'c: What is it, O'Neill?
Jack O'Neill: I forgot to tape The Simpsons!
[Teal'c blinks]
Jack O'Neill: It's important to me.

"Stargate SG-1: Beneath the Surface (#4.10)" (2000)
Colonel Jack O'Neill: I remember something. There's a man. He's bald and wears a short sleeved shirt. And somehow he's very important to me. I think his name is... Homer.

"SGU Stargate Universe: Air: Part 3 (#1.3)" (2009)
Lieutenant General Jack O'Neill: So how is it going out there? Really?
Colonel Everett Young: Well, I don't know what Rush has told you. We may not have much time out there. The ship's very old, falling apart.
Lieutenant General Jack O'Neill: Fix it.
Colonel Everett Young: I'm trying. Even if we can get the life support working, we don't have much food and water.
Lieutenant General Jack O'Neill: Well, go get some.
Colonel Everett Young: We're not suppose to be there, sir. These are the wrong people, in the wrong place. And as a group, they're just not qualified.
Lieutenant General Jack O'Neill: Oh, please. I wasn't qualified to lead that first team through the stargate.
Colonel Everett Young: I understand that, sir.
Lieutenant General Jack O'Neill: In the past dozen years or so, we've sent hundreds of teams through that thing. I think the bottom line is, none of us are qualified.

"Stargate SG-1: Lifeboat (#7.6)" (2003)
Teal'c: Daniel Jackson's preliminary electroencephalogram proved anomalous.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: I dare you to say that again.

"Stargate SG-1: A Hundred Days (#3.17)" (2000)
[O'Neill is given a homemade brew and drinks it]
Paynan: So what do ya think?
Jack O'Neill: Absolute rot gut. More please.

"Stargate SG-1: Homecoming (#7.2)" (2003)
Jack O'Neill: What's your situation?
Daniel Jackson: I'm hiding. What's yours?
Jack O'Neill: Carter and I are on the planet.
Daniel Jackson: You're gonna have to be a little more specific, Jack. I haven't had a chance to look out a window lately.
Jack O'Neill: You're hovering over Jonas' home world.
Daniel Jackson: Why?
Jack O'Neill: I wish I knew. Are you in any immediate danger?
Daniel Jackson: Eh, depends what you mean by immediate.
Jack O'Neill: Daniel.
Daniel Jackson: I'm fine. I got a location on Jonas' cell from the ship's computer. I'm on my way there right now. I just gotta couple of problems.
Jack O'Neill: Like what?
Daniel Jackson: Well, I'm not sure how to shut off the force field protecting his cell, yet.
Jack O'Neill: You said a couple?
Daniel Jackson: Yeah, actually, I'm a little lost at the moment. And I've only got about, uh, three hours left before the Tok'ra isotope wears off and I'm visible to the ships sensors.
Jack O'Neill: So business as usual then, huh?
Daniel Jackson: I dunno. Is it?
Jack O'Neill: Yes, we do this kinda thing all the time.
Daniel Jackson: Oh well, good. That's-that's comforting, then.

"Stargate SG-1: Moebius: Part 1 (#8.19)" (2005)
Dr. Daniel Jackson: We don't know where it is now, but we do know where it was: Giza, 3000 B.C.
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: You can't be serious.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: What?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: It's the only way.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: What?
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: No, we agreed.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: If I have to say "what" one more time, heads are gonna roll!

"Stargate SG-1: The Serpent's Venom (#4.14)" (2000)
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Sure you got everything?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: You wanna try and reprogram that mine without the proper translation?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Thought of a laptop?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Oh, I have one. I just couldn't find Beck's Ancient Phoenician Symbology on CD at Archeology.com.

 

Daniel Jackson

"Stargate SG-1: Prometheus Unbound (#8.12)" (2004)
Vala Mal Doran: Don't worry. I'm not gonna hurt you.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Thank God.
Vala Mal Doran: Much. I hope.

Vala Mal Doran: This suit still absorbs zat blasts.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: I'm covering your head.
Vala Mal Doran: Still, you should probably make me take it off.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: I think I'll turn the ship around first.
Vala Mal Doran: I don't know. If I had me at gunpoint, that wouldn't be my first choice.

Vala Mal Doran: Ow. Ow, you hit me!
Dr. Daniel Jackson: You hit *me*.
Vala Mal Doran: Yeah. You know, we could just have sex instead.

Vala Mal Doran: Did you have fun taking off my clothes?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: It was your idea.
Vala Mal Doran: No, I meant when I was conscious. You know, so I could distract you and kick you in the head.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: I kept my eyes closed the whole time.
Vala Mal Doran: Sure you did.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: So, where are we goin'?
Vala Mal Doran: I told you, to save my people. Can you please let me out of here?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Ohhhhhh, no.
Vala Mal Doran: You know, I haven't eaten in days.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Could you please tell me how to access the navigation controls?
Vala Mal Doran: It isn't very nice, you know, starving a prisoner to death. Come on, Daniel, you've seen me naked. The least you could do is cook me dinner.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: [Addressing what he thinks is a Krull warrior] Hey, how's it going? Guess it's just you and me, huh. It's a little strange, isn't it? See that weapon I shot you with should have killed you. What's even stranger is you guys usually don't take prisoners either. I mean it's kinda kill first and... no, that's generally just about it, just the killing.

Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: I didn't let you go in the first place. What makes you think I'm gonna change my mind?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Because...
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: Can you try to do better than that?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Because they're going to need somebody who can translate Ancient. I'm the most qualified person left on the planet for the mission.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: Which is exactly why you're gonna stay right here.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: [desperately] Because I'll quit!
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: Why don't you just hold your breath? You haven't done that in a while.

Dr. Lindsey Novak: [hiccuping very loudly] Please ignore me.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: It's hard to.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: I don't know anything about the ship.
Kull Warrior: But you are very attractive.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: ...What?
[the Kull warrior slowly walks up to Daniel and stands just in front of him]
Dr. Daniel Jackson: [very fast] Hey, you know, big guy. I'm flattered, really I am, it's just that, uh, you're not my type. And I'm more than a little disturbed that I *might* be yours.
[the Kull warrior begins to remove its helmet. Daniel screws his eyes shut in horror]
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Whoa, whoa, whoa, you don't have to do that! Don't, don't, don't! NO!
[He opens his eyes and realises that the Kull is actually a beautiful woman]

[Vala has just healed Daniel with a Goa'uld device]
Dr. Daniel Jackson: You're a Goa'uld.
Vala Mal Doran: No. But I was once a host to one.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Which would explain the naquadah in your blood that lets you use Goa'uld technology.
Vala Mal Doran: And how I can quickly learn to fly this rather primitive ship.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Yeah, so primitive, one would wonder if it was worth the bother.
Vala Mal Doran: Well, in this case it's the size that matters.
[Glances downward]
Vala Mal Doran: Actually, pretty much in every case.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: Name's... Olo. Hans Olo.

Stargate: Continuum (2008) (V)
Henry Hayes: So what's coming next?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Death, slavery. More slavery, more death.
Henry Hayes: Look if you want to say 'I told you so' go a head and get it off your chest. But then you can do one of two things; you can help, or you can leave.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Okay, bye!
[starts to walk to the door]
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Jackson!
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Right! I forgot to say, I told you so!
Henry Hayes: Now are you going to help or not?

Major General Hank Landry: I take it that in your timeline you're not a discredited whackjob living on the fringes of society?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: That really depends on who you ask.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: [Daniel is in his 3rd day of being interrogated about the history of the Stargate program] Seriously, who would make this shit up?

Dr. Daniel Jackson: [after being left behind, due to frostbite] Oh, shit.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: [after escaping the sinking Achilles] The ship was warmer!
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: You wanna go back?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: ...No, I'm good!

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: [Has just learned they are flying into a formation of Russian MiGs, while fleeing from Ba'al's gliders] Jackson, get on the radio!
Dr. Daniel Jackson: [speaks desperately in Russian over the radio]
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: What the hell did you just say?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: We're Americans, please shoot the people chasing us!

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Come on, let's go. When was the last time General O'Neill bought lunch?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Good point.

interrogator [female]: Samantha Carter?
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: Yes.
interrogator [female]: It's common knowledge that 4 years ago, a computer failure forced the space shuttle Intrepid's main engines to shut down before it could reach a safe orbit or secondary landing site. When the auto pilot also failed mission commander, Samantha Carter, stayed behind to fly it while her crew bailed out of the escape hatch. The orbiter went down over the Atlantic and her body was never recovered.
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: It wasn't me.
interogator [female]: You just said you name...
[Sam cuts her off]
interogator [female]: [Cam, Sam, and Daniel are being interogated, all talking at the same time]
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: I was recruited into the Stargate program in my timeline not N.A.S.A...
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Stargate Command is a branch of the United States Air Force, founded in nineteen-ninety I forget the exact year; for the purpose of exploration and just... it operates in secret from...
Dr. Daniel Jackson: ...actually, at was less an altered timeline and it was this kind of... but i know what your thinking. You're thinking I'm insane.
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: And so we had the Stargate powered and it was capable of operating, but none of the random addresses.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: A list, you, you want the whole list of every plant I've ever been to? Okay; Earth you never forget your first. Right!
Dr. Daniel Jackson: It was just a matter of finding which of the 39 symbols represented the point of origin.
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: The symbols in a combination of seven...
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Known as Casa, it's kind of like space corn; but you know that is a story you are going to hear some day
interogator [male]: You think this is funny?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Everything I can think of I've told you. I mean seriously, who would make this shit up!
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Because it is; funny! And you need to learn that things can be both funny and serious at the same time!
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: I've listened. whereas I've been trying to tell you that Earth is in serious danger and you don't seem to give a rat's ass!
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: [annoyed] OK, fine! O'Neil wants nothing to do with us, what about Landry! No you see - I know him.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: [dryly] if you'd like to hear to answer to that question, why don't you go and play your tape back, I'm going to take a break.
[smiles quickly, then frowns and drinks coffee]
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: Oh my God, for the umpteenth time - I want to talk to someone else!
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: I am agitated because this is not the way things are suposed to be!
Major General Hank Landry: [walks in] Unfortunately colonel, it's the way it is!
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: General, thank you for coming. you flew F-4's in Vietnam, you have a daughter named Caroline, you're wild about Fulvous whistling ducks...
Major General Hank Landry: Stop right there son, I believe you.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: [dumbfounded] You do?

"Stargate SG-1: Window of Opportunity (#4.6)" (2000)
Jack O'Neill: What kind of archaeologist carries a weapon?
Daniel Jackson: [raising his hand] Uh, I do.
Jack O'Neill: Bad example.

Jack O'Neill: What kind of archaeologist carries a gun?
Daniel Jackson: Uh, I do.
Jack O'Neill: Okay, bad example.

Daniel Jackson: Anyway, I'm sorry, but that just happens to be how *I* feel about it. What do you think?

Jack O'Neill: Weren't we just somewhere else?
Daniel Jackson: Where?
Jack O'Neill: Some planet.
Daniel Jackson: When?
Jack O'Neill: Just now.
Daniel Jackson: No.
Jack O'Neill: Sure?
Daniel Jackson: Yeah.

Jack O'Neill: I distinctly remember sitting here, listening to Carter prattle on about solar activity and a... corona... something.
Major Samantha Carter: Coronal mass emissions - I was just about to bring it up.
Jack O'Neill: There you go, how would I know that?
Major Samantha Carter: Maybe you read my report.
Daniel Jackson: Maybe he *read* your report?

Teal'c: Events do appear to be repeating themselves.
Daniel Jackson: Since when?
Jack O'Neill: Since we went to P4X-639.
Major Samantha Carter: We haven't been to P4X-639.
Jack O'Neill: Yes we have.
[to Daniel]
Jack O'Neill: "No we haven't." That's what you were gonna say.
Daniel Jackson: Of course that's what I was gonna say.
Jack O'Neill: Okay, bad example.

Daniel Jackson: On the other hand, it's kind of an opportunity.
Jack O'Neill: How's that?
Daniel Jackson: Well think about it, I mean if you knew in advance that everything was going to go back to the way it was then...
[Teal'c stops writing to listen to the conversation]
Daniel Jackson: you could do anything. For as long as you want, without having to worry about consequences.
[pause O'Neill rises from his chair]
Jack O'Neill: Excuse me.
[O'Neill leaves. Teal'c nods to Jackson and also leaves]

"Stargate SG-1: Lost City: Part 1 (#7.21)" (2004)
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Teal'c's like one of the deepest people I know. I mean, he's *so* deep. Go on, t-tell them how deep you are! You'll be lucky if you understand this.
Teal'c: [lifts one eyebrow] My depth is immaterial to this conversation.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Ooh! See?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: No more beer for you.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: I remember when we were first trying to get the Stargate to work, I would come here and just stare at it for hours.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Is that a-a gentle reminder that you've been an important part of this since the very beginning?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Subtle, huh?

Dr. Elizabeth Weir: I've been awake all weekend. I-I... The reality of this is-is-is... It's an adrenaline rush.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Hey, at least I know you have a beating heart!

[Bra'tac comes to the SGC]
Dr. Daniel Jackson: This is Dr. Elizabeth Weir. She's the new leader of this facility.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: [extends her hand] Hello.
Master Bra'tac: [concerned] Has Hammond of Texas fallen in battle?
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: No, sir. He's-he's fine.

[Jack has filled a crossword with Ancient words]
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Jack, this is it.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Now see, I assume we still speak the same language, mostly.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Sphere: Planet. Label: Name.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Following still you not!

"Stargate SG-1: The Scourge (#9.17)" (2006)
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: I'm just a glass half full kinda guy. We found the cure to the Prior's plague and we got it out to the planets that needed it.
Teal'c: And it has been some time since the last reported outbreak.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: That's right, so I'm chalking that one up to the win column.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Look, all I'm saying is let's just not get carried away. Yes we stopped them this time but you can be damn sure they're already thinking up some other means of spreading fear and destruction through this galaxy.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Yeah, that's why we call 'em the bad guys.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: And by the looks of things the next one's going to be something big. Priors are already starting to step up the rhetoric with all this talk of doomsday when all shall witness the final battle between the light and darkness.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: That's what they said about Tyson-Holyfield. There's always a rematch.

Shen Xiaoyi: [In Mandarin] How's your Mandarin?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: [In Mandarin] Not as good as your English.
Shen Xiaoyi: [In Mandarin] It shows.
[Indicating Mitchell]
Shen Xiaoyi: You're bringing him along?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: [In Mandarin] We have to babysit him.
[Shen lauughs]
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Yeah, that's very funny.
[In Mandarin]
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Screw you!
[Shen and Jackson do a double take]

Dr. Daniel Jackson: It's no question that these bugs were the Priors' follow up to the virus.
Teal'c: And it appears that they were designed to circumvent any attempt to forestall their destructive nature.
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: Deny them crops and their physiology adapts to an alternate food source.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Yeah, us.

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: We're surrounded by rock here so there's no way the bugs are digging in. We've got the entrance covered. Everything's going to be fine.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Until we run out of bullets.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: Are we still doing movie night?
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: Yeah, why not?
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Yeah, I've already picked something out.
Teal'c: Old School.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Starship Troopers.
Teal'c: Is it humorous?
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Is it ever.

"Stargate SG-1: Fragile Balance (#7.3)" (2003)
Major General George Hammond: Would anyone care to speculate how a boy could be aware of our most classified information?
Major Samantha Carter: Well, sir, it-it could be him.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: There is a physical resemblance.
Major General George Hammond: But he can't be more than 15 years old. Are you saying Colonel O'Neill has somehow regressed more than 30 years overnight?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Stranger things have happened.
Teal'c: Name but one.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Well, there was the time he got really old; the time he became a caveman; the time we all swapped bodies...

[Daniel walks into the holding room]
Young Jack O'Neill: Daniel, will you tell them who I am? Please?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Okay, love to. Who are you?

Dr. Daniel Jackson: What's goin' on?
Young Jack O'Neill: Daniel!
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Sounds like him. At least the loud, grating part.

Dr. Janet Fraiser: There is a tiny abnormality, but for all intents and purposes, it's him.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Tiny abnormality, like the fact he's suddenly quite a few years younger than he's supposed to be?

Dr. Daniel Jackson: There's no easy way to tell you this, so... Sam's just gonna come out and say it.
Major Samantha Carter: Well, sir, as you know, the Asgard depend on a cloning technology...
Young Jack O'Neill: Oh, for cryin' out loud!
Teal'c: You have been cloned, O'Neill.
Young Jack O'Neill: [turning to face them] What!

"Stargate SG-1: One False Step (#2.19)" (1999)
Daniel: Can you do me a favor? Could you keep an eye on this plant thing for me?
Teal'c: I will keep both of my eyes on it, Daniel Jackson.

Teal'c: Since it is their planet, is it not we who are the aliens?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Actually, the word alien refers to anything characteristic of a very different place or culture, anything really strange relative from our own perspective.
Jack O'Neill: Think we call you alien because you're from Chu'lak? Ha.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: Well, maybe you could try coming up with something better than inappropriate sarcasm.
Jack O'Neill: You want sarcasm? Nice to meet you.

Jack O'Neill: You're obviously misreading a basic philosophical difference of opinion on how to handle a chrisis.
Daniel Jackson: Oh please! We have a-a difference of opinion on just about everything!
Jack O'Neill: Give me an example.
Daniel Jackson: U-u-u, I don't know! Pick something! How - how about - how about mythology!
Jack O'Neill: Rumors, lies, fairytales.
Daniel Jackson: You see! See! See! See! See! See!
[jumps around in a circle in frustration]
Daniel Jackson: Mythology is one of the primary motivations for cultural development!
Jack O'Neill: Maybe it is! What's that got to do with *filming a plant*!
Daniel Jackson: Exactly!
Jack O'Neill: What does *that* mean!
Daniel Jackson: I don't know!
[they silently look at each other]
Jack O'Neill: [calmly] Okay. What was that?
Daniel Jackson: I don't know. I don't feel so good.
Jack O'Neill: I've got a headache.

Jack O'Neill: [Jack and Daniel are in the infirmary. They have just had a major argue on a planet] Listen I, uh...
Daniel Jackson: No, no. Um... sorry, you were gonna say...
Jack O'Neill: No, it's just that, uh... Well... you know...
Daniel Jackson: No I know, I know. I know. You know that I...
Jack O'Neill: I know. It's obvious there's something...
Daniel Jackson: Something, something wrong with us.
Jack O'Neill, Daniel Jackson: Physically!
Janet Fraiser: [enters] Well, there's nothing wrong with you.
Daniel Jackson: What?
Janet Fraiser: Well, I've run every test I could, short of exploratory brain surgery and you're both in perfect health.
Jack O'Neill: Huh.

"Stargate SG-1: The Powers That Be (#9.5)" (2005)
Vala Mal Doran: [sarcastically] I apologize for ever doubting your masterful skills at negotiation.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: He's doing the best he can.
Vala Mal Doran: Yeah, that's what terrifies me.

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: I thought these people trusted you. Why are we sneaking around avoiding everybody?
Vala Mal Doran: I already told you, they won't recognize me dressed like this. Fortunately I left a couple of spare outfits.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: What is it with her and her wardrobe?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: You know, I think we could probably explain to them...
Vala Mal Doran: It will only take a second. Can a girl have a little privacy?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: No, besides I think I've seen just about everything there is to see.
Vala Mal Doran: [Smiling] Right.

Vala Mal Doran: [Speaking with a Goa'uld voice] We want to stop these people from falling victim to the Priors. That's what I'm going to do.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: This is not what I had in mind.
Vala Mal Doran: What your mind may or may not be able to imagine is really none of my concern. Now kindly get out of your god's face.

Vala Mal Doran: I never killed anyone, I never tortured them, I was a wonderful god. Just ask them.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: I think we will.
Vala Mal Doran: Why? You don't believe me?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: That and I'm not totally convinced they're ultimately going to follow your command, not should that be the only reason they don't follow the Priors.
Vala Mal Doran: I am still supposed to be their god. I can't exactly go out there and ask them if they're going to listen to me.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: I wasn't expecting you to.
Vala Mal Doran: What makes you think they're going to tell you the truth? You're supposed to be my faithful servant.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Then I'll sort of explain we're not so faithful as you like to believe and if necessary I'll also tell them we're plotting to kill you.
Vala Mal Doran: I have heard better plans.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: I kinda like it.
Vala Mal Doran: Shut up!

Vala Mal Doran: You need to tell these people the truth.
Vala Mal Doran: I have a lot of needs, Daniel. But I assure that is not one of them.
Teal'c: If you do not tell them the truth, we will.
Teal'c: Yes, and who do you think they are actually going to believe?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Look, commanding these people to obey you and not the Ori is not going to work, especially once that Prior comes back.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: And we do not want to get into a god off. Especially since we know you're not even close.

"Stargate SG-1: Upgrades (#4.3)" (2000)
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Uh, General, sir? About the obviously impending court-martials, I'd like...
Major General: You were all under the influence of an alien technology, Colonel. That's a pretty solid defense.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Even so, I... I'm sorry.
Major Samantha Carter: Me too.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Me three.
Teal'c: I have no need to apologize.
Major General: Teal'c was actually following orders.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: [resignedly] Of course he was.

Major Samantha Carter: So, has it occurred to anyone that we're defying a direct order?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Well, it's not like we haven't defied orders before.
Major Samantha Carter: Well, yeah, but that was to save Earth.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Earth. Steaks. There's a difference?

Waitress: What can I get you?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Um, three of the biggest steaks you've got, with everything, rare, and baked potato.
Waitress: You got it!
[She starts to walk off]
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Excuse me... That was for me!
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Yeah, I'm gonna have three as well.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Four?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Four... Four is good, yeah.
Major Samantha Carter: Me too, and French fries with mine... oh and a diet soda!
[O'Neill and Jackson give her a funny look]
Major Samantha Carter: I like the taste better!

[the Tok'ra have showed up with a box]
Anise: You may call me Anise.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Anise?
Anise: It means "noble strength".
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Um, I'm Daniel. It means, uh, "God is my judge".
Colonel Jack O'Neill: I'm Jack. It means...
[gestures at the box]
Colonel Jack O'Neill: What's in the box?

[after making a trick shot in pool]
Big Guy: How the hell did you do that?
Major Samantha Carter: You wanna go double or nothing?
Big Guy: No. I think I'll cut my losses.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: [chagrined] smart move

"Stargate SG-1: Moebius: Part 2 (#8.20)" (2005)
[versions of Jack O'Neill, Samantha Carter and Teal'c have travelled back in time to Egypt in the year 2995 B.C. where they meet the Daniel Jackson of the original timeline]
Daniel Jackson: Well, this can't be a good sign.
Jack O'Neill: Why's that?
Daniel Jackson: Where am I?
Jack O'Neill: Ancient Egypt?
Daniel Jackson: No, I mean the me from your timeline.
Teal'c: I killed you.
Daniel Jackson: Why?
Teal'c: You were a Goa'uld spy.
Daniel Jackson: Good reason.
Sam Carter: It was horrible.
Daniel Jackson: [not really interested] Yeah, I'm sure. Why are you here?
Jack O'Neill: Yes, excellent question.
Daniel Jackson: You don't know?
Jack O'Neill: Well, I thought I did, there, for a while, and then I realized I... didn't.
Daniel Jackson: Well, I know why *I'm* here.
Jack O'Neill: Good! Let's start there.

Daniel Jackson: Wait a minute. I thought the reason why we brought the ship was so that we didn't have to walk.
Sam Carter: You can't just fly into an alien city. The mission is stealth recon. Meaning undetected.
Jack O'Neill: Meaning *shut up*!

Apophis: Who are you?
Daniel Jackson: Name's Daniel Jackson. Uh, if you give me back my eyeglasses, I could actually see you.
Teal'c: He claims he's of the Tau'ri.
Daniel Jackson: You weren't supposed to tell him that.
Apophis: The Tau'ri have no Chaapa'ai.
Daniel Jackson: Oh! Sorry, guess I was wrong. I'm-I'm sure your information is correct and - In fact, I'm usually quite wrong, quite unreliable actually. I'm - To be honest with you, I'm-I'm insane.
Apophis: Speak!
[pause while Daniel doesn't speak]
Apophis: Bring him.
[Teal'c hauls him forward]
Apophis: I think there is much you can tell me.
Daniel Jackson: Well, if you wanna know about the early settlements of Mesopotamia, I am somewhat of an expert...

Dr. Rodney McKay: [to Hammond] I give this no more than a 50/50 chance of working.
Lieutenant General George Hammond: According to the tape, it worked for eight years.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Hm.
Daniel Jackson: [wormhole is established] Wow.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, I'm certainly glad it's not me going through that... um... thing.
Jack O'Neill: Any idea what to expect?
Sam Carter: Not really. According to the tape, we're going to be de-molecularized, transmitted over two thousand light-years through subspace, and then, uh, remolecularized on the other side.
Major Charles Kawalsky: I did not need to know that.
Jack O'Neill: OK.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Gateship 1, you're go for launch.
Jack O'Neill: Gate ship?
Daniel Jackson: [with hand gesture] Well, it's a ship that goes through the gate.
Jack O'Neill: [somewhat reluctantly] Alright.
Dr. Rodney McKay: [to Hammond] What? It's a ship that goes through the gate. Gateship.
[pause]
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, I thought it was clever.

Daniel Jackson: [into the radio] Sam, Jack, it's all clear. You can come out now.
Jack O'Neill: [into the radio] In a minute.
[turns back to Sam. Daniel flicks his eyes nervously, viewing the celebration; Jack resumes kissing Sam]
Sam Carter: [muffled, after something in the ship sends out sparks] I can fix that.

"Stargate SG-1: Homecoming (#7.2)" (2003)
Jack O'Neill: What's your situation?
Daniel Jackson: I'm hiding. What's yours?
Jack O'Neill: Carter and I are on the planet.
Daniel Jackson: You're gonna have to be a little more specific, Jack. I haven't had a chance to look out a window lately.
Jack O'Neill: You're hovering over Jonas' home world.
Daniel Jackson: Why?
Jack O'Neill: I wish I knew. Are you in any immediate danger?
Daniel Jackson: Eh, depends what you mean by immediate.
Jack O'Neill: Daniel.
Daniel Jackson: I'm fine. I got a location on Jonas' cell from the ship's computer. I'm on my way there right now. I just gotta couple of problems.
Jack O'Neill: Like what?
Daniel Jackson: Well, I'm not sure how to shut off the force field protecting his cell, yet.
Jack O'Neill: You said a couple?
Daniel Jackson: Yeah, actually, I'm a little lost at the moment. And I've only got about, uh, three hours left before the Tok'ra isotope wears off and I'm visible to the ships sensors.
Jack O'Neill: So business as usual then, huh?
Daniel Jackson: I dunno. Is it?
Jack O'Neill: Yes, we do this kinda thing all the time.
Daniel Jackson: Oh well, good. That's-that's comforting, then.

Daniel Jackson: [Daniel Jackson has just found Jonas, who is being held in a cell by Anubis] Jonas!
Jonas Quinn: What happened?
Daniel Jackson: I don't know.
Jonas Quinn: Whatever it was, there's not enough power to maintain the force fields.
[touches flickering force field guarding the cell, is stung by force field]
Jonas Quinn: Ah!
Daniel Jackson: You okay?
Jonas Quinn: That hurt.
Daniel Jackson: Arm?
Jonas Quinn: A little numb.
[gauges force field]
Jonas Quinn: I think I can make it.
Daniel Jackson: Well, you better... I don't wanna have to take you outta here in a dustpan.

Jonas Quinn: [has just been freed from Anubis' ship by Daniel] Okay, how do we get off this thing?
Daniel Jackson: Cargo ship.
Jonas Quinn: Which way?
Daniel Jackson: [facing three hallways] Uhhhhhhhhhh...
[points at first two before choosing the third]
Daniel Jackson: This way!
Jonas Quinn: You sure?
Daniel Jackson: Nope!
Jonas Quinn: Right!

Jonas Quinn: Don't get me wrong. I love the job.
Daniel Jackson: Well, yeah, who could argue? I mean, lousy hours, constant peril.

Daniel Jackson: [Daniel and Jonas hug the wall] That should be the cargo bay.
[the sound of Jaffa marching can be heard and Daniel and Jonas look down the hall before hiding again]
Daniel Jackson: And those would be all the Jaffa going to the cargo bay that's just down the hall.

"Stargate SG-1: Ripple Effect (#9.13)" (2006)
Kvasir: The perilous nature of this mission should not be taken lightly. There is a chance that the Prometheus may not survive this voyage. But courage and a steadfast resolve will prove the most valuable assets in this undertaking. Well, good luck to you all.
[beams out]
Dr. Daniel Jackson: I miss Thor.

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: As we discussed the situation we realized we could pinpoint the source of the phenomenon to a precise window. Specifically the interim journey between the two gates.
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: Did she just say "we"?
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: Pardon me?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: She said we. You said we?
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: Ah, me and... myself, I suppose. The other Samantha Carter.
Cameron Mitchell: Right, finally someone who can keep up with you.
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: [Smiling] Yep!

Alternate Daniel Jackson: [Alternate Teal'c pushes Mitchell into a bulkhead, knocking him out] Wouldn't it have been easier to zat him?
Alternate Teal'c: Easier, yes. But far less gratifying.
Alternate Cameron Mitchell: Did he just insult me?

Hank Landry: Another SG-1 came through twenty minutes ago, which puts the count at twelve teams, not including yourselves.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Well, at least we're in good company!

Teal'c: Given the dangers we may face, it was decided that we would proceed alone.
Alternate Cameron Mitchell: So if this plan goes FUBAR, we're the only ones to go down with the ship?
[Mitchell indicates that he is right]
Dr. Daniel Jackson: [wryly] Well, there's plenty more where we came from, right?

"Stargate: Atlantis: Rising (#1.1)" (2004)
Dr. Rodney McKay: [he is talking about the ZPM] Zed-P.M.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill USAF: What?
Daniel Jackson, Ph.D.: Zee-P.M. He's Canadian.

Daniel Jackson, Ph. D.: Jack, if it's not too late for me to go...
General Jack O'Neill USAF: No.
Daniel Jackson, Ph. D.: ...I'd just grab my...
General Jack O'Neill USAF: No!

Daniel Jackson, Ph.D.: [Quickly walks in while McKay and Weir are talking] Ahh, just the people I need to see!
[quickly walks out. McKay and Weir look at each other]
Daniel Jackson, Ph.D.: [slowly walks back in] Come with me.

Daniel Jackson, Ph.D.: Jack.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill USAF: Daniel.
[almost killed by a drone]
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill USAF: Warm welcome.
Daniel Jackson, Ph.D.: It wasn't me. How'd you manage to...
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill USAF: Keep my ass from getting blown out of the sky? The exceptional flying of Major John Sheppard. He *likes* it here.
Daniel Jackson, Ph.D.: Exceptional. You like it here?
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill USAF: What say we cut to the part where you start talking real fast?

"Stargate SG-1: Brief Candle (#1.8)" (1997)
Dr. Daniel Jackson: A hundred day celebration? Guess we should pace ourselves.

Samantha Carter: How many babies have you delivered?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Uh... two. Uh, counting today.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: Wow, this place is incredible. It's like we just stepped into the citadel at Mycenae.
Jack O'Neill: I thought you said it was Greek.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Oh, uh, Mycenae was an ancient city in the Southern Peloponnesus region.
Jack O'Neill: Where's that?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Greece.
Jack O'Neill: Why do I do that?

Dr. Daniel Jackson: It's a paradise.
Jack O'Neill: Yeah, sure. Have an apple. What could happen?

"Stargate SG-1: Exodus (#4.22)" (2001)
Teal'c: And yet, knowing what Apophis did to Sha're, would you not trade it all for the opportunity to crush the life from his throat with your bare hands?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Well, I'd be lying to you if I said I'd never thought about it but that doesn't mean I'd do it, given a more rational option.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: Yeah, I think we have a problem here. I figure that flashing wasn't good news, and the fact that in Goa'uld it says... Warning, Warning.

Major Samantha Carter: This is the sun that Vorash is orbiting. It's a regular main sequence star with a core temperature of about fifteen million degrees and enough hydrogen to burn for another five billion years.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Yeah?
Jacob Carter/Selmak: We wanna blow it up.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Wow.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: That's, uh...
Colonel Jack O'Neill, Dr. Daniel Jackson: Ambitious.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: [O'Neill returns after helping Teal'c search for Tanith] Did you find anything?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: No, he's still looking.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: You've been out there for hours.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Yeah, it's a whole Jaffa revenge thing.

"Stargate SG-1: Unending (#10.20)" (2007)
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: When I said that I wanted to get the team back together, work with you guys, learn from ya... I did not mean every waking moment for the next 50 years.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: You said that yesterday.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: [blank stare] I did?
Teal'c: [staring at his food] And the day before.
Vala Mal Doran: And the day before that.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Oh... sorry. I'll just... shut up now.

Vala Mal Doran: Being stuck on this ship is worse than being stuck at the SGC. I-I-I tell you, the last time I was this bored I took hostages!
Dr. Daniel Jackson: I was there.

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Just another routine trip to save the world sir.
Dr. Daniel Jackson, Vala Mal Doran, Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: Indeed.

Thor: General, with your permission, a number of Asgard are prepared to beam onboard immediately to begin installing various technological upgrades to this ship.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: I hope it's ray guns. I got ray guns in the pool.
Major General Hank Landry: What is it you are planning on giving us?
Thor: Everything we have and know.
Vala Mal Doran: By that you mean...
Thor: Everything. All our most current technology, all our knowledge.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Sorry, we're just a little stunned. I mean, why are you doing this? You always resisted in the past. You always said we weren't ready.
Thor: Indeed. Many Asgard still believe that.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: So what's changed?
Thor: As a race, we are dying. Very soon, we will all be gone.

"Stargate SG-1: Fail Safe (#5.17)" (2001)
Jack O'Neill: ...And after that, I kind of lost my temper.
Major General George Hammond: What exactly does *that* mean?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Let's just say Jack made a reference to Freyr's mother.

Sam Carter: Sir, the asteroid's core is composed almost entirely of naquadah.
Jack O'Neill: Of course it is.
Sam Carter: It makes up about 45 percent of the total mass.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Of course it does.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: Well, we have a couple of options. Number one, we give up. We use what's left of power and life support to make it to the nearest unoccupied gate world. There's a small chance we'd make it. From there we head to the Alpha site.
Jack O'Neill: Number two?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: We take off and hope that our radio signal can be picked up by the Asgard in time to inform them that this was a Goa'uld attack disguised as a natural disaster.
Sam Carter: There isn't enough time for that.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: I know.
Jack O'Neill: Is... there a number three?
Sam Carter: There's no three.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Well, maybe there is. Teal'c, you said naquadah wasn't native to our solar system.
[Teal'c nods in acknowledgement]
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Which means that the Goa'uld must have towed it through hyperspace by ship.
Teal'c: A mother ship.
Sam Carter: Daniel, that's it!
Jack O'Neill: What's it?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: We don't have a mother ship.
Sam Carter: But the effect only has to last a few seconds.
Jack O'Neill: What only has to last a few seconds? What?
Sam Carter: Choice three, sir. We expand the ship's hyperspace field to encompass the entire asteroid. We take it out of normal space long enough to avoid the collision with earth.
Jack O'Neill: [Long pause] Is there a *four*?

Dr. Daniel Jackson: I'm confident.
Jack O'Neill: Me too.
Teal'c: As am I.

"Stargate SG-1: Camelot (#9.20)" (2006)
Dr. Daniel Jackson: This is interesting. This is a-a reference to Merlin's prophetic abilities. There's a-a similar myth on Earth, that Merlin could see the future because he actually aged backwards in time. It's not meant to be taken literally, but we have seen that a lot of legends and folklore have a-a strong basis in fact. Avalon, Atlantis...
Teal'c: The Easter Bunny.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: I guess there's a few exceptions.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: [a reply to the Ori ships] "Then to Tyolus, say to the people of the low plains, seek not the wickedness amongst your neighbors lest it find purchase in your own house."

Dr. Daniel Jackson: Sorry, didn't mean to wake you.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: No, uh, I wasn't sleeping. I was kelnoriming. Teal'c taught me the fundamentals.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Did he mention you should remain conscious in the process?

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: So all you had to do was shoot the control crystals?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Pretty much.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Sounds like one of my plans.

"Stargate SG-1: Off the Grid (#9.16)" (2006)
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: We have got the best jobs in the world, don't we?
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: I'm gonna hit the shower.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: I'm gonna find a doctor.
Teal'c: We are indeed suitably employed
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Yeah, it was a good day.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: Sam is right, we are not equipped to take these guys on.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: I have no intention of taking anybody on. I'm just going to pose as a buyer.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: You?
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Well no offense Jackson, but you do not strike me as the drug dealer type.

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: No offense, Jackson, but you do not strike me as the drug dealer type. In fact, you're not even close.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: I think I'm as close as you are!
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: Come on! You're miles away.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Teal'c, which one of us is closer?
Teal'c: I believe the three of you to be equidistant.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Oh, please! Mary Poppins is not even in the running!
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: Hey!

[SG1 has just been tortured by drug dealers]
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Look, for what it's worth, guys, sorry I dragged you into this.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: [blasé] Oh, it happens all the time.

"Stargate SG-1: 1969 (#2.21)" (1999)
Dr. Daniel Jackson: So, we go in disguise; pretend to be foreigners.
Jack O'Neill: How are you gonna do that?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Well, I speak 23 different languages. Pick one.

Jack O'Neill: It's true, Michael. We came to Earth to hide among your people a long, long time ago.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: From a galaxy far, far away.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: So what's the plan?
Jack O'Neill: Find the stargate.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Find the stargate? That's-that's the plan?
Jack O'Neill: Elegant in its simplicity, don't you think?

Sergeant Bridges: [subtitled "You Russian spies?"] Vy sovetskih shpionov?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: [subtitled "No!"] Nyet.
Jack O'Neill: Daniel?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: He just asked if we were Soviet spies, I just...
[Jack gives Daniel a pointed look]
Sergeant Bridges: [to Jack] Come with me.
Jack O'Neill: [gets up] Sure. You bet.
[Daniel turns around to face the bunk, pinching the bridge of his nose]
Jack O'Neill: "Nyet"?

"Stargate SG-1: Children of the Gods (#1.1)" (1997)
Daniel Jackson: Look, ah, I don't pretend to know anything about astrophysics, but couldn't the planets change? I mean, uh, drift apart or-or something like that to throw this map off?
Samantha Carter: I knew I'd like you.
Daniel Jackson: You mean I'm right?

Jack O'Neill: Daniel, for crying out loud, you've had one beer. Cheaper date than my wife was.
Daniel Jackson: Yes. When am I going to meet your wife?
Jack O'Neill: Oh. Probably, ah, never. After I came back from Abydos the first time, she'd already left.
Daniel Jackson: I'm sorry.
Jack O'Neill: Yeah, so was I. I think, in her heart, she forgave me for what happened to our kid. She just... couldn't forget.
Daniel Jackson: And what about you?
Jack O'Neill: I'm the opposite. I'll never forgive myself. But sometimes I can forget... Sometimes.

Teal'c: What is this?
Jack O'Neill: It's a watch.
Teal'c: This is not Goa'uld technology. Where are you from?
Jack O'Neill: Earth. Chicago, if you wanna be specific.
Teal'c: Your words mean nothing. Where are you from?
Daniel Jackson: Ah, excuse me.
[Daniel draws the gate symbol representing Earth in the dirt]
Daniel Jackson: This is where we're from.
[Teal'c looks at it and then leaves the room]

[Daniel is thinking about Sha're]
Daniel Jackson: She's out there somewhere, Jack.
Jack O'Neill: I know. So's Skaara.
Daniel Jackson: So what do we do?
Jack O'Neill: We find 'em.

"Stargate SG-1: The Broca Divide (#1.4)" (1997)
Dr. Janet Fraiser: So, the question is, why haven't you and Mr. Teal'c come down with the symptoms?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Um, Mr. Teal'c... Teal'c's symbiote probably protects him.
Teal'c: That would be likely.
Dr. Janet Fraiser: W-What about you, Dr. Jackson?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Well, that beats me. You're the doctor, Doctor. Ah, maybe I have a natural immunity.
Teal'c: Perhaps you will develop symptoms later.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Thank you for the moral support.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: [about Sam] She, uh, she tried to seduce me.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Oh. You poor man.

Colonel Makepeace: Don't you worry, boys. That's why the SG-3 Marines are comin' with. You can count on us to watch your backsides.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Actually, it's - it's more my frontside I was worried about.

[O'Neill hands Daniel night-vision goggles]
Jack O'Neill: Put these on.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Doesn't look like my prescription.

"Stargate SG-1: Chimera (#7.15)" (2004)
Major Samantha Carter: [Sam talks technobabble and Daniel yawns] At least pretend that it's interesting.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: No, it was very interesting. Please, go on.
Major Samantha Carter: Are you tired?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Ya think?

Major Samantha Carter: No offense, Daniel, but it's not like you don't have some issues to work out.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Oh, yeah.
Major Samantha Carter: Maybe you should talk to someone.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: I thought I was.

Teal'c: Most often, dreams are merely the mind's way of dealing with desires that cannot be fulfilled.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Oh. So basically, I'm destined never to get a good night's sleep again.
Teal'c: Knowing your past experiences, Daniel Jackson, I do not know how you have slept well before now.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Thank you, Teal'c. This conversation has been disturbing on... many levels.

Dr. Sarah Gardner: You know, I must have read everything you've ever published.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Everything?
Dr. Sarah Gardner: Yes.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: What a waste of time.

"Stargate SG-1: Solitudes (#1.17)" (1998)
Dr. Daniel Jackson: [to Teal'c] What happens when you dial your own phone number?
[Daniel quickly realizes Teal'c has no idea]
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Wrong person to ask.
[to Hammond]
Dr. Daniel Jackson: What happens when you dial your own phone number?
General Hammond: You get a busy signal.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Exactly.

Dr. Daniel Jackson, Teal'c: General, permission to...
General Hammond: Granted.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: Teal'c and I were flung out of this 'gate at this end so fast I don't even remember hitting the ramp.

"Stargate SG-1: Tangent (#4.12)" (2000)
Major Paul Davis: Colonel Jack O'Neill, Major Samantha Carter, Dr. Daniel Jackson, allow me to introduce to you Lieutenant General Vidrine.
General Vidrine: Colonel.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: General.
General Vidrine: Major.
Major Samantha Carter: General.
General Vidrine: Doctor.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: General.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: Well, we were kinda hopin' that you could, um, like, beam them out, or...
Jacob Carter/Selmak: [chuckles] Beam them out? What am I, Scotty?

[in a scout ship, being questioned by a mothership]
Jacob Carter/Selmak: All right, we're almost finished. Sam's just finishing up.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Uh, that's good, 'cause I don't think they bought my act.
Jacob Carter/Selmak: Why? Who'd you say you were?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: The, uh, Great and Powerful Oz.
Jacob Carter/Selmak: [shouting] Sam!

"Stargate SG-1: Avalon: Part 2 (#9.2)" (2005)
Dr. Daniel Jackson: You done this before?
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Uh, fight a knight in armor, no, can't say that I have.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Well, you're doin' good.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: Isn't that why we're doing this, all of this? The Stargate program, the budget? Isn't so we can go out and meet new races, gather advanced technology, possibly learn about ourselves in the process?
Vala Mal Doran: Oh, come on. You do it to meet women.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: She has a point, sir.
Major General Hank Landry: I've been thinking I need to get out on an off-world mission or two.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: Are you okay?
Vala Mal Doran: I've got tingles all over. Don't flatter yourself, I'm pretty sure it's not you.

"Stargate SG-1: The Torment of Tantalus (#1.10)" (1997)
[Daniel recognizes a series of markings to be part of the Asgard language]
Dr. Daniel Jackson: This is Thor's race.
Ernest Littlefield: Thor was an alien?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Oh, yeah. That's, ah - that's another long story. But a good one.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: There's no conclusion to the file. No summary, no notes, no reason to explain why they gave up.
Jack O'Neill: Well, whole boxes of material could be missing.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: The Pentagon said this was everything.
Jack O'Neill: Oh, please. The Pentagon's lost entire countries.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: This was transferred from film of experiments done on the gate in 1945. You don't find that the least bit intriguing?
Jack O'Neill: Oh, yeah. Nothing piques my interest more than repeated failure.

"Stargate SG-1: Fallen (#7.1)" (2003)
Jack O'Neill: [Daniel, human again after being ascended, has no recollection of who he is] You were a member of my team, SG-1. You're a friend of mine. Last year, you died.
Daniel Jackson: I'm dead?
Jack O'Neill: Obviously not.

[Daniel has been cleared to attend a briefing after having lost his memory]
Daniel Jackson: Besides, who am I gonna tell? I mean I don't, uh, I don't remember anybody, right?
Jack O'Neill: Good one.
Daniel Jackson: Thanks, Jim.

Daniel Jackson: Look, all I know is that the place you're searching right now is not it.
Jack O'Neill: Then, where is *it*?
Daniel Jackson: Did I just say, "all I know"?
Jack O'Neill: Everyone turn away. I want no witnesses.

"Stargate SG-1: Urgo (#3.16)" (2000)
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Wow, this coffee's great!
Samantha Carter: I was just thinking that.
Jack O'Neill: Yeah, is that cinnamon?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: It's, uh, it's chicory
Jack O'Neill: [contemplative] Hm, chicory.
[Teal'c unscrews the lid from the coffee pot and drinks the contents]
Samantha Carter: Teal'c?
[He continues to drink as everyone looks, then finishes]
Jack O'Neill: Isn't that hot?
Teal'c: Extremely.
[the others look shocked]
General George S. Hammond: Just stay on the base. We're going to need to keep and eye on you for the time being.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: I feel fine.
Teal'c: As do I, Daniel Jackson.
General George S. Hammond: For someone who just drank a half gallon of steaming hot coffee?
Jack O'Neill: Right.

Teal'c: Appearances may be deceiving.
Jack O'Neill: One man's ceiling is another man's floor.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: A fool's paradise is a wise man's hell.
Jack O'Neill: Never run with... scissors?

Samantha Carter: Well, he can't actually make us do anything we don't want to, sir.
Dr. Janet Fraiser: Then why did I have to treat your arm for a burn? Didn't you say Urgo was responsible?
Urgo: I didn't mean to!
Samantha Carter, Jack O'Neill, Dr. Daniel Jackson: He didn't mean to.
Teal'c: It was not his intention.

"Stargate SG-1: Flesh and Blood (#10.1)" (2006)
Vala Mal Doran: She wanted me to give her a name
Daniel: And?
Vala Mal Doran: Adria. Told her it was my mother's
Daniel: Not?
Vala Mal Doran: Step-mother. Witch of a woman.
Daniel: The more I get to know you, the more I understand.
Vala Mal Doran: What?
Daniel: Nothing.

Vala Mal Doran: [talking about Adria] Oh, she's been genetically altered. She'll be a fully grown figurehead in a day or so. If she takes after her mother, she'll have a pretty good figure too.
Daniel: This is bad.
Vala Mal Doran: You're telling me. Origin is about to become a lot more appealing to the males of this galaxy

Vala Mal Doran: Oh, I had a baby. You know, I never thought I'd agree with my father, but now I'm starting to remember about how he used to go on about you nurture them, and then you raise them, and you teach them the best that you can, and then all they do is break your hearts. I always assumed that his experience was just tainted by me.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: What are you talking about?
Vala Mal Doran: Well, she started of out all sweet and innocent to begin with, and now she's hell-bent on domination of the galaxy.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: What? How old is she?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: A few hours!

"Stargate SG-1: New Order: Part 1 (#8.1)" (2004)
Dr. Daniel Jackson: [about which System Lords are coming] And the last one is Lord Yu.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Yu?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Eh, don't. Every joke, every pun, done to death, seriously.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: On the bright side, out of all the Goa'uld, Lord Yu has been the most cooperative with us in the past.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: I thought you said none of them could be trusted?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Oh, they can't. Especially not a crazy one.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Huh, that's the bright side?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: More of a slightly less dark side.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: Well, if they even get a hint of the fact that we can't use the Ancient weapons to defend ourselves, trust me, this game is over.
[pause]
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Too dramatic?
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: At this point, not for me.

"Stargate SG-1: 200 (#10.6)" (2006)
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Who makes a movie out of a series that only lasted three episodes?
Teal'c: It allegedly performed well on DVD.

[in the Farscape sequence]
Vala Mal Doran: [as Aeryn Sun] Call me fahrbot, but they're gonna have our mivonks on a platter if we don't Starburst the draz out of here.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: [as Crichton] The cluster's been damaged. We're not goin' anywhere.
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: [as Chiana] Oh, dren.
Teal'c PI Announcer: [as Ka D'Argo] Hezmana!
Vala Mal Doran: [as Aeryn Sun] Frell.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: [as Stark] Son of a hasmot!
Asgard: [as Dominar Rygel XVI] Yotz!

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: [re: the number of mission files] No, I'm pretty sure it's 1,263. Pretty sure I've read all the files recently.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Actually, you haven't read 30185.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: 30185. What's that?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: We can't tell you.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: What do you mean, you can't tell me? I have the highest security clearance known to mankind. What is 30185?
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: We were sworn to secrecy.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Why even mention it to me if you're not gonna tell me what it is?
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: Sorry.
Vala Mal Doran: Can you tell me?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Oh yeah, we can tell you.
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: Well, it has to do with the time that the gate sent us back to 1969.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Well that can't have anything to do with me. I wasn't born until a year later!
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Actually, it was *nine months* before he was born.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: [taken aback] What?
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: You hafta remember, it was the sixties.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: C'mon. You have to have known that Jack's always taken an interest in your life.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Jack. O'Neill?
Teal'c: Indeed.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Remember when you were chosen for the 302 program even though you thought you weren't going to get in? How about when you were chosen for SG-1?
Vala Mal Doran: [Giggles] Wait, are you saying that Jack O'Neill is...
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: -my daddy?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: It's all stating to make sense now, isn't it?
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Oh, I'm being punk'd, aren't I?

"Stargate SG-1: The Pegasus Project (#10.3)" (2006)
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: If he speaks again, I'll shoot him.
[Sam mouths 'Thank you']
Dr. Daniel Jackson: But to answer your question, we are introducing another stargate into the equation. Teal'c should have it in position right now.
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: If we can make a connection between that gate, and one from the Pegasus galaxy...
Dr. Rodney McKay: You're gonna try and make a jump.
[to John]
Dr. Rodney McKay: Don't shoot me. You know I can't help myself.

Morgan le Fay: You may enter your query verbally, or by entering it manually on the console before you.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: I'll speak, if that's all right.
Morgan le Fay: Of course, but note for future sessions, manuel input is required for most system interaction.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: I think I had her in Grade 5.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: Okay, um, show me the order in which the earliest Ancient cities were founded.
Vala Mal Doran: How is that useful? You going to join up all the dots and draw a pretty picture?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: I'm just getting my bearings. You're going to have to get used to the fact this is probably going to take a while.
Vala Mal Doran: The way you approach things, it could take the rest of our lives!

"Stargate SG-1: Memento Mori (#10.8)" (2006)
Vala Mal Doran: I don't mind telling you, I've been looking forward to this little date all week.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: I wouldn't exactly call it a 'date'. It's...
Vala Mal Doran: Oh, I've watched enough of your television to know what a date is, Daniel. It's a romantic event typified by dinner, movie and/or karaoke and, usually, culminating in a night of...
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Okay, this is definitely not a date. It's, it's two friends and coworkers out for dinner.
Vala Mal Doran: [Vala looks disappointed] Oh.

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: A member of this facility gets kidnapped unchallenged, it's no wonder he doesn't think we can protect him.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: But we can protect him.
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: Yeah, by locking him away for the rest of his life.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: What can you say? There's a downside to working for supervillains.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: You know when Vala first disappeared, when the Ori gate was destroyed, I refused to write her off. Although the odds were against it, I believed somehow she'd found a way to survive. And it turned out I was right. I want to be right again.

"Stargate SG-1: Prisoners (#2.3)" (1998)
Dr. Daniel Jackson: And she's just gonna hand it over?
Jack O'Neill: If we take her back with us.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Well, can we just do that? I mean, we don't even know what she's in here for.
Captain Samantha Carter: What are *we* in here for?
Jack O'Neill: Jaywalking, I think.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: [Daniel awakes from being strangled] What happened?
Jack O'Neill: Oh, you actually won a fight Danny-boy.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: I don't particularly remember getting the upper hand.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: P2A-509
Jack O'Neill: Little brain damage along the way
Dr. Daniel Jackson: No, uh, SG-3 was scheduled to go on a mission to P2A-509. General Hammond said so in our last planning briefing. We rendez-vous with SG-3 and we use their remote transmitters to get home.
Jack O'Neill: And this just, came to you?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: No, this came to me while I was suffocating.
Jack O'Neill: Then, P2A-509 it is. Linea, do they send food... and I'll use that term loosely... does it come through the gate on a regular basis?

"Stargate SG-1: Beachhead (#9.6)" (2005)
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Vala, this is a military vessel.
Vala Mal Doran: I know, darling. I've stolen it before.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Well, just try to be, uh...
Vala Mal Doran: My charming self?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Just a little less talk, a little more "shut the hell up".

Dr. Daniel Jackson: [about Vala] So you're saying that she could be alive somewhere in the Ori home galaxy?
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: It's possible.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Well, we wanted to send them a message.

Major General Hank Landry: Look at in terms of optics. We must look like major players now.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Most of the system lords were killed by the Replicators, we defeated the Replicators.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Wow, we look cool.
Major General Hank Landry: Don't let it go to your head.

"Stargate SG-1: The Ties That Bind (#9.4)" (2005)
Vala Mal Doran: Came to see me off? That's sweet.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Well, we've been through a lot together, and I just wanted to come here myself and make sure you were... thoroughly searched.

Vala Mal Doran: I hate long goodbyes.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: [quickly] Okay goodbye.
Vala Mal Doran: Don't I even get a hug?
Vala Mal Doran: [Daniel hesitates then hugs Vala. Vala walks towards the Stargate but Daniel grabs her wrist] Daniel, don't make this harder than it already is.
[Daniel removes a stolen jewel from her hand]
Vala Mal Doran: Oh. Can't blame a girl for trying.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Yeah, I can.

Vala Mal Doran: [Vala is reading an Earth magazine] Daniel, do you have one of these "credit cards".
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Yes I do, and no you can't.

"Stargate SG-1: Forever in a Day (#3.10)" (1999)
Jack O'Neill: We both know you can't stay away.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Then I guess we're both wrong, 'cause I'm gone.
Jack O'Neill: Give it a week. You'll miss me.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Yes, all the salty, bad-tempered insults, all the illogical arguments...
Jack O'Neill: Okay, you'll miss Carter and Teal'c.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: Jack, up until now, everytime I set foot through that gate I was thinking about my wife. "Maybe I'll see her this time." "Maybe this is the one." Now, everytime I go through, it's - it'd just be some place... where that hope used to be.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: Let's just say that there's something through the Stargate that I think I still have to be the one to find.
Jack O'Neill: Now, see, I miss that. I have no idea what it means, but I buy it.

"Stargate SG-1: Abyss (#6.6)" (2002)
Dr. Daniel Jackson: I'm energy now.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: How's that workin' out for you?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Good actually. Very...
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Good.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Very good.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: Okay. Show me your stuff. Bust me outta here.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: I can't.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Why not?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: I'm not allowed to interfere.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: You're interfering right now.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: No, I'm not.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Yes, you are.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: No, I'm not. I am consoling a friend.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: Jack, who are you talking to?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: A woman.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: There's nobody there.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Look who's talkin'.

"Stargate SG-1: Watergate (#4.7)" (2000)
Dr. Svetlana Markov: If you're implying that everything Russian-made is of poor quality, actually, the sub is Swiss.
Daniel: So it occasionally catches fire but they keep perfect time?
[pause]
Daniel: Sorry. I think I've been hanging around Jack O'Neill too much.

Dr. Svetlana Markov: The gauge must be malfunctioning.
Daniel: But it's Swiss.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: Didn't you guys leave here in a submarine?
Major Samantha Carter: We, uh...
Daniel: The last thing I remember, we were being pulled into the...
Major Samantha Carter: Not really sure what happened, sir.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Here's a thought: We just exchanged hostages. It's just a thought.

"Stargate SG-1: Crystal Skull (#3.21)" (2000)
Jack O'Neill: Hey, if you'd been listening, you'd know that Nintendos pass through everything.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: I heard.
Jack O'Neill: Everything.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: You could fit every pyramid on Earth inside this thing and still have room to spare.
Jack O'Neill: Yeah, can you imagine heatin' this place?

[Only Nick can hear or see Daniel]
Jack O'Neill: Daniel said you should come along to make it work?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Wait, I never said that. You're taking advantage of me.
Nick Ballard: Yes.

"Stargate SG-1: Bad Guys (#10.16)" (2007)
[two female hostages start pulling each other's hair and shrieking at each other]
Dr. Daniel Jackson: [shouting] What the hell are you doing? Stop it!
Hesellven: She started it.
Sylvana: [shouting] I think you started it when you kissed Heron!
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Shut up! Shut up! You're hostages. This is like a-a life-and-death situation here. Start acting like it.
Sylvana: Oh, please. You're not rebels. We're not deaf, you know. Everyone in this room knows it.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: That doesn't matter. You're hostages. We're your - we're your captors. We're heavily armed. There's a - there's rules. There's a whole school of etiquette to this.
[she glares at him]
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Don't eyeball me.

Vala Mal Doran: There's a 70 percent chance that if we dial manually we'll be able to establish a connection and a 50 percent chance that the bomb will just go off.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: That's 120 percent.
Vala Mal Doran: Well, there's some crossover where we establish a wormhole *and* it blows up.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: [over radio] Jackson, did you catch any of that?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: [over radio] Yeah, 100 percent chance we should have brought someone that knows what they're doing.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: We're stuck.
Vala Mal Doran: No we're not. Well, when we fail to make the scheduled check in, General Landry will dial in, at which point we'll ask him to send a naquadah generator and a laptop with a dialing program and that's that!
Dr. Daniel Jackson: We knew that! I thought that when I said that we're stuck, that you would know that I meant "until then."
Vala Mal Doran: Well, then you should say what you mean.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: I don't think you want me to start doing that.
Vala Mal Doran: I don't think you want to start thinking what I think.

"Stargate SG-1: The Shroud (#10.14)" (2007)
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Jack, you have to believe me.
Major General Jack O'Neill: Why?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: "Why?" Well, because, oh, I don't know, the fate of the galaxy hangs in the balance.
Major General Jack O'Neill: You know, that old chestnut's gettin' a little... old.

Major General Jack O'Neill: Yep! Just like old times. Except, I'm here against my will and you look like Marcel Marceau.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Yeah. You know, some things change, but others stay the same.

Adria: In our time together I've really come so see in you what draws mother's affection.
Daniel: Affectia what?

"Stargate SG-1: Full Circle (#6.22)" (2003)
[Anubis raises his hand to activate the weapon]
Daniel Jackson: Stop!
[Her'ak fires his staff weapon at Daniel but the blast passes through him. Anubis rises from his throne]
Anubis: Stop me, if you can.
[Daniel raises his hands and they start to glow]
Anubis: Strike me down! Do it now or I will destroy Abydos!
[Daniel raises his hands higher and directs the energy at Anubis. It appears to be blown back as Anubis raises his hand to defend himself]
Daniel Jackson: No! Don't do this!
[Daniel is spirited away. Her'ak looks terrified]
Her'ak: [to Anubis] You are indeed all-powerful, my lord.
Anubis: What you just saw was not my doing.
[Her'ak seems confused. Anubis once again sits down]
Anubis: However, this is!
[he activates the weapon; it focuses on Abydos; a beam of energy is directed at the pyramid]

[the elevator Jack's in has shut down and Daniel has appeared behind him]
Daniel Jackson: Jack, Abydos is in trouble. Anubis is on his way. He's after the Eye of Ra. I have that replica Catherine gave me, it looks like this. Now, I'm pretty sure the real one is located in some secret chamber in Ra's pyramid on Abydos, but I'm not sure where exactly. According to legend, there were six eyes including those held by Apophis, Osiris, and Tiamat among others . Each is powerful on its own. Now if you use them in combination it increases that power tenfold. Recently, Anubis has managed to track down five of the six eyes, and only needs Ra's to complete the set. He's looked everywhere Ra used to hang out except Abydos, now he's on his way there.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: I was sure that was an Asprin I took this morning.
Daniel Jackson: Jack it's really me. It's me. You have to help. You have to find the Eye of Ra before Anubis does. I mean keep it, hide it, destroy it, whatever. It doesn't matter. We don't have much time.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Hey, Daniel. How you doin'? Long time. How are things in the higher planes?
Daniel Jackson: [turns his back on Jack, very aggravated, then turns back around] Hey, Jack. Long time, no see. How-how-how you doin'?

Daniel Jackson: Is that my stuff?
Jonas Quinn: You weren't using it anymore.

"Stargate SG-1: The Serpent's Venom (#4.14)" (2000)
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Sure you got everything?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: You wanna try and reprogram that mine without the proper translation?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Thought of a laptop?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Oh, I have one. I just couldn't find Beck's Ancient Phoenician Symbology on CD at Archeology.com.

[on a mine]
Major Samantha Carter: Uh, it's flashing green. Green is good?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: No.
Major Samantha Carter: Bad?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Bad.
Major Samantha Carter: How bad?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Very, very bad.
Major Samantha Carter: Dad!

Jacob Carter/Selmak: Then enter the right combination.
Major Samantha Carter: We tried. What does Selmak say?
Jacob Carter/Selmak: Try again.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Very helpful.

"Stargate SG-1: Seth (#3.2)" (1999)
[Trying to infiltrate Seth's cult]
Jack O'Neill: Dare I ask about the men inside the compound?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: They were turned into eunuchs.
Jack O'Neill: Eunuchs, as in "snippity-do-dah"?

[Carter has just killed Seth with a Goa'uld hand device]
Dr. Daniel Jackson: You killed him.
Jack O'Neill: [In an undertone] Hail, Dorothy.

"Stargate SG-1: Summit (#5.15)" (2001)
Dr. Daniel Jackson: So, how are you gonna get me in?
Jacob Carter/Selmak: Yu will be among the System Lords attending the meeting.
Major Samantha Carter: I thought you said he was going in as a slave.
Jacob Carter/Selmak: The System Lord, Yu.
Major Samantha Carter: Little joke there.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: [dryly] Funny.

Jacob Carter/Selmak: How's it going?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Oh, swell. It's kinda like Goa'uld Mardi Gras here.

"Stargate SG-1: Jolinar's Memories (#3.12)" (1999)
Dr. Daniel Jackson: You said "Hell," right?
Jack O'Neill: Well, I'm gonna end up there sooner or later. Might as well check out the neighborhood, huh?

Dr. Daniel Jackson: My lungs are burning.
Jack O'Neill: Well, at least it's a dry heat.

"Stargate SG-1: The Curse (#4.13)" (2000)
[Daniel asks for a translation over the phone]
Teal'c: "Banished to oblivion."
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Right. Okay, uh, thank you.
Teal'c: If you require assistance, I would be more than happy to return to the SGC.
[O'Neill looks annoyed]
Dr. Daniel Jackson: No, thanks. I-I think I can take it from here.
Teal'c: Are you certain?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Give me that!
[takes the phone]
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Goodbye, Daniel.
[he hangs up, removes the battery and throws it away]

Dr. Sarah Gardner/Osiris: Where is my brother, Setesh?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Uh, you mean Seth? Uh, he's dead. We, uh, we killed him.
Dr. Sarah Gardner/Osiris: You lie.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: No. No, we also killed Ra, uh, and Hathor, and, uh, who else? Um, Sokar.

"Stargate SG-1: The First Ones (#4.8)" (2000)
Dr. Daniel Jackson: [Daniel and the Unas are tossing the dead symbiote between them] Right. Uh, yes, uh, toss the symbiote-head. That's, uh, very-very popular. Uh, very-very interesting. Yes. Yes, all the kids are doing this.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: [to Shaka, who's just refused Daniel's energy bar] Now, don't say 'ka' till you've tried it.

"Stargate SG-1: The Enemy Within (#1.2)" (1997)
Dr. Daniel Jackson: So this iris is gonna hold, right?
Sam Carter: Pure titanium, less than three micrometers from the event horizon. It won't even allow matter to fully reintegrate.
Jack O'Neill: So this iris is gonna hold, right?
Sam Carter: If it doesn't, the fail-safe device will detonate, this whole mountain will vaporize, and there'll be nothin' to worry about.
Jack O'Neill: Ah, good. I feel much better.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: You don't think the Goa'ulds are sending people through, do you?
Jack O'Neill: Be like bugs on a windshield.

"Stargate SG-1: Maternal Instinct (#3.20)" (2000)
Monk: Lightning flashes, sparks shower, in one blink of your eyes you've mis-seen.
Jack O'Neill: Lightning you say?
Monk: I only know a snowflake cannot exist in a storm of fire.
Jack O'Neill: What?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Jack...
Jack O'Neill: No, I - You know me, I'm a huge fan of subtlety, but that's downright encrypted!

Dr. Daniel Jackson: The monk is just someone who's sort of taken up a curatorship.
Jack O'Neill: Kind of a janitor?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: More of a guide.
Jack O'Neill: An usher?

"Stargate SG-1: Cor-ai (#1.15)" (1998)
Dr. Daniel Jackson: That's interesting. I wonder if everyone's coming from some religious event.
Jack O'Neill: Why does it always have to be a religious thing with you? Maybe they're coming from a swap meet.

Teal'c: The Goa'uld visit here regularly. It is one of their favorite places to harvest hosts for Goa'uld absorption.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: You know, I wish you wouldn't say "harvest". We're talking about human beings, not... brussel sprouts.

"Stargate SG-1: Fallout (#7.14)" (2004)
First Minister Dreylock: Kelowna will accept nothing less than equal representation.
Eremal: Really? Kelowna is solely responsible for this problem.
First Minister Dreylock: Need I remind you that the stargate is in our possession?
Tarthus: For the moment.
First Minister Dreylock: Is that a threat?
Tarthus: It's an assurance that when it comes to the survival of our people, we will do whatever is necessary.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: What, so now you want to go to war? My friends are trying to save your world, and you want to destroy it?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Oh, save your breath, Daniel!
[to the Langarans]
Colonel Jack O'Neill: You folks are done.
First Minister Dreylock: I don't understand.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Well, you see, we actually like the Madronans. They're nice people. And we've decided there's no way we'd subject them to the likes of you. Deal's off. You're toast.
Tarthus: General?
Major General George Hammond: Colonel O'Neill's right. You can stay until we hear back from Jonas and Major Carter.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: That's what you get for dicking around.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: [Looking at the Stargate] You miss it?
Jonas Quinn: Yeah, I do.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Well, judging from what you've got to deal with back on Kelowna, I'm not surprised. I'd take life-threatening danger over one of those council meetings any day of the week.

"Stargate SG-1: Company of Thieves (#10.9)" (2006)
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Uh, you should probably prepare to return fire.
Major Marks: For the record, I'm always prepared. I just have to press this button here.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Right... I just-I thought that's what you're supposed to say, so...
Major Marks: I know.

Vala Mal Doran: Our only chance is to take this ship back.
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: I have an idea about that, but it's pretty risky.
Vala Mal Doran: It's probably better than our plan.
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: Well, what's your plan?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: We don't have one.

"Stargate SG-1: The Nox (#1.7)" (1997)
Dr. Daniel Jackson: I think they're a family.
Jack O'Neill: Of what?

Samantha Carter: [Daniel is inspecting the burn hole in Carter's uniform] Hey! What are you looking at?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: I felt that blast kill me. I mean, I thought I... I thought we were dead. Weren't we dead?
Samantha Carter: Yeah.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Okay. Well, I thought heaven would be a little more 'upscale.'
Samantha Carter: Uh, I don't think this is heaven.

"Stargate SG-1: Threads (#8.18)" (2005)
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Can you tell me why you stopped me from killing Anubis the last time I was Ascended?
Oma Desala: Because if I didn't stop you the others would have, and they wouldn't have been as nice about it.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: You mean they wouldn't have erased my memory and left me naked on a planet?
Oma Desala: That was your choice.
[Daniel looks at Oma incredulously]
Oma Desala: Okay, maybe not the naked part.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: Menus?
Oma Desala: We don't need them here. Just order what you'd like.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Okay, I'll have the truth with a side order of clarity, please.

"Stargate SG-1: Prototype (#9.9)" (2005)
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Wait. Wait!
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: What? I was lookin' for the light switch.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: New guy!
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Hey, you touched that.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: I-I know how to read that.

Sam Carter: As far as our computer is the dialing sequence to P3X 584 ran perfectly normal.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Except for the fact we ended up 12,000 light years off course.

"Stargate SG-1: Enemy Mine (#7.7)" (2003)
Daniel: What's this? Artifacts?
Major Lorne: Yes.
Daniel: You found all this and-and you didn't contact me?
Major Lorne: We were going to.
Daniel: They've been moved.
Major Lorne: Well, they were in the way.
[Daniel gets a sour look on his face]
Jack O'Neill: Daniel?
[pats Daniel on the shoulder]
Jack O'Neill: Go to your happy place.

Daniel: [O'Neill's arm has been dislocated during a skirmish with Unas] Uh, if we go back to this planet, you're not comin' with us, are you?
Jack O'Neill: [looks at his arm] It's doubtful...
Daniel: Yeah, that's too bad. I was kinda hoping you'd take command of the mission...
Daniel: [explains to Major Carter] Colonel Edwards has no experience dealing with the Unas.
Jack O'Neill: Nor you.
[Daniel ponders this, nods head in submission to valid point]
Jack O'Neill: He's an ok guy, Daniel. He's just under a lot of pressure.
Daniel: Yeah.
[sigh]
Daniel: Yeah. I- I guess I just spent a lot of time breakin' you in, I just didn't wanna have to start with a new colonel.

"Stargate SG-1: 48 Hours (#5.14)" (2001)
Major Samantha Carter: [on phone with Daniel] Well, if the DHD could have prevented the problem, maybe the DHD can also fix it. Is there any chance you can get the Russians to give us their DHD?
[Daniel looks in at the negotiations]
Colonel Chekov: This is impossible at the moment.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: [to Sam] Not without giving back Alaska.

[after the DHD explodes]
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Well, that never happened in any of the simulations.

"Stargate SG-1: 2001 (#5.10)" (2001)
Major General George Hammond: The news must have come as a shock to them.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Ah, not really.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: What Jack is trying to say is that if they were surprised, they'd never show it.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: They don't get excited in general, General. It's like an entire planet of accountants.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: I just hope we don't regret giving them those gate addresses.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: I don't think we will... the first one being a black hole, and all. They get progressively darker after that.

"Stargate SG-1: The Other Side (#4.2)" (2000)
Colonel Jack O'Neill: You've got that look.
Teal'c: To which look are you referring, O'Neill?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: The one that says, "I have misgivings about this mission, but deep down I know we're doing the right thing"?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: No, the other one.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Oh.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: Their whole world is in flames, and we're offering gasoline. How is that help?
Teal'c: We are in fact offering water.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Thank you.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: I was speaking metaphorically.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Well, stop it. It's not fair to Teal'c.

"Stargate SG-1: Point of No Return (#4.11)" (2000)
Dr. Daniel Jackson: I hope it's important. I was right in the middle of translating that cuneiform tablet we found on P3L-255.
Major Samantha Carter: I still have to finish recalibrating MALP 3K sensors for long-term reconnaissance on P5X-3D7.
Teal'c: I was unable to complete my Kel no'reem.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: I was just about to do something important.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: You know, I've never been on a-a stakeout before. Shouldn't we have, like-like donuts or something?

"Stargate SG-1: Shades of Grey (#3.18)" (2000)
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Actually, General, the Tollan refused to give us any technology.
Jack O'Neill: Offered us a nice fruit basket, though.

Jack O'Neill: I do appreciate that you were the one that came to see if I was okay. That... that means something.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Ah, actually, no, it doesn't.
Jack O'Neill: Na?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Um... we, ah, we drew straws. I lost.

"Stargate SG-1: Thor's Chariot (#2.6)" (1998)
Teal'c: The destruction of the hammer device to save my life may have caused this. If so, I am responsible.
Jack O'Neill: General, I gave the order.
Dr. Daniel Jackson, Ph.D.: And I fired the staff at the machine.
Samantha Carter: And I... was there.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: This is the Hall of Might?
Gairwyn: You were expecting something different?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Well... uh... maybe a hall?

"Stargate SG-1: Orpheus (#7.4)" (2003)
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Take a break. Fraiser says Teal'c needs a little pep talk.
[acts proud]
Colonel Jack O'Neill: I've been practicing in front of a mirror for an hour.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Not 'peppy' enough?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Not really...
[Dr. Jackson nods and gets up]

Dr. Daniel Jackson: [Teal'c, Rya'c, Bra'tac, and Rak'nor have all been taken prisoner] This is my fault.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: How's that?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: 'Cause I should have done something when I had the chance... when I had the power...
Colonel Jack O'Neill: I think we've already established that wouldn't've worked out either.
[pause]
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Nope! It's time for Plan B.
Major Samantha Carter: We have a Plan B?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: No, but it's time for one.

"Stargate SG-1: Within the Serpent's Grasp (#1.21)" (1998)
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Teal'c, what is this?
Teal'c: It is a Goa'uld long range visual communication device. Somewhat like your television, only much further advanced.
Jack O'Neill: Think it gets Showtime?

Jack O'Neill: I suggest the two of you figure out how get us back home.
Samantha Carter: Sir, the only way to do that would be to turn this thing around and go back to where we started.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Right, I'll just go tell the pilot.

"Stargate SG-1: Ex Deus Machina (#9.7)" (2005)
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: [talking about a firefight in an office] Witnesses?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: One. Some guy who was working overtime, spent most of the firefight under his desk, but was able to provide the descriptions of three individuals: big, tattooed, chain mail pants.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: So it's either our Jaffa, or KISS is back on tour.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: Where are you gonna be?
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: Seattle.
Agent Malcolm Barrett: How the hell are you gonna get there?
[she gets beamed out]
Agent Malcolm Barrett: Prometheus.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Beats flying coach.

"Stargate SG-1: Endgame (#8.10)" (2004)
[the gate disappeared]
Sgt. Mackenzie: One minute we're getting coffee, the next minute the gate...
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Wait a minute! Wait a minute. You were getting coffee?
Sgt. Mackenzie: Umm... It...
Dr. Daniel Jackson: I'm joking. I'm joking. It's just a joke.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: They'll never see it coming.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: Which is one of the advantages of a totally insane idea!
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Yeah... Where'd I learn that from?

"Stargate SG-1: Morpheus (#10.2)" (2006)
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Unfortunately, what we didn't get were any corresponding gate addresses, and the process of going through that library page by page looking for clues could have potentially taken years. So I knew we were gonna have to narrow the search parameters a little. That's when it hit me. Sir Gawain.
Cameron Mitchell: Wasn't he one of the knights who says "Ni"?

Dr. Daniel Jackson: I got it! I made the connection. Sir Gawain to Gwalchmei, Culhwch, and Olwen. Verus Gen Bree.
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: [to Cameron] And you say *I'm* hard to understand.

"Stargate SG-1: Singularity (#1.14)" (1997)
Dr. Daniel Jackson: So, what exactly are we gonna see after this eclipse begins? I mean, it is black, and it is a hole.
Jack O'Neill: Well, it might be a black hole.

Jack O'Neill: Actually, it's called the accretion disk.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Well, I guess it's easy to understand why the local population would be afraid of something like-
[looks at Jack]
Dr. Daniel Jackson: What did you just say?
Jack O'Neill: It's just an astronomical term.
Samantha Carter: You didn't think the Colonel had a telescope on his roof just to look at the neighbors, did ya?
Jack O'Neill: Not initially.

"Stargate SG-1: The Fourth Horseman: Part 2 (#9.11)" (2006)
Dr. Daniel Jackson: That warm, fuzzy feeling you're experiencing may be the effects of a device that's inhibiting your ability to concentrate and focus your powers.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Symptoms may include dizziness, irritability...
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Nausea.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Mild nausea, and a condition known as hotdog fingers.

Damaris: It makes no difference what you do to me. But know this, the Ori are all-seeing. They are already aware of this affront to their eminence, and shall strike down those who dare to defy them.
[pause]
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Nothing yet. You?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Drawin' a blank. A little thirsty.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: That doesn't count.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: No, it doesn't.

"Stargate SG-1: Pretense (#3.15)" (2000)
Samantha Carter: So you built that... stargate?
Narim: Yes.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: *Way* smarter than we are.
Jack O'Neill: Ours is bigger.

Samantha Carter: Sir, what makes you so confident?
Jack O'Neill: Because Lya is a fair and insightful person who will vote our way. Besides, she likes us.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Lya likes everyone. That's the Nox way.

"Stargate SG-1: Small Victories (#4.1)" (2000)
Thor: [about the replicators] You have demonstrated their weakness may be found through a less... sophisticated approach. We are no longer capable of such thinking.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Wait a minute. You're actually saying that you need someone dumber than you are?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: You may have come to the right place.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: I'd be happy to debrief you all after I've debriefed myself for a nice hot shower.
Major General George Hammond: Permission to shower granted. In fact, I insist on it, Colonel.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Bad?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: I wasn't gonna say anything.

"Stargate SG-1: Moebius: Part 1 (#8.19)" (2005)
Dr. Daniel Jackson: We don't know where it is now, but we do know where it was: Giza, 3000 B.C.
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: You can't be serious.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: What?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: It's the only way.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: What?
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: No, we agreed.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: If I have to say "what" one more time, heads are gonna roll!

Dr. Daniel Jackson: ...introduce yourself and talk about the weather.
Student: [stands up] Hello, my name is Carlos. You make me so hot.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Okay...

"Stargate SG-1: Point of View (#3.6)" (1999)
Jack O'Neill: Alright, I gotta know.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Yes, I'm about to activate it.
Jack O'Neill: No, no, no, no. Not that. What the hell does 'Kree' mean?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Well, actually, it means a lot of things.
Jack O'Neill: Uh-huh.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Loosely translated it means attention, listen up, concentrate.
Jack O'Neill: Yoo-hoo?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Yes. In a manner of speaking.

Jack O'Neill: Alright, I gotta know.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Yes, I'm about to turn it on.
Jack O'Neill: No, no, no, no, not that... What the hell does 'Cree' mean?

"Stargate SG-1: Ethon (#9.15)" (2006)
Jarrod Kane: Do you ever give up?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Not until I'm dead.
[pause]
Dr. Daniel Jackson: And sometimes not even then.

Chief Mst Sgt. Walter Harriman: Doctor Jackson, we've just received a communiqué from the Rand government.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: [reading the communiqué, to Kane:] They want to talk.
[Cut to Daniel and Kane sitting in an underground jail]
Dr. Daniel Jackson: This isn't exactly what I had in mind.

Stargate: The Ark of Truth (2008) (V)
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: It's kind of weird not having a big bad guy to fight anymore.
Lt. Colonel Samantha Carter: Yeah, that's how we felt when we defeated the Goa'uld. And The Replicators. The first time...
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Well Jackson and Vala took care of that.
Vala Mal Doran: That whole Ori thing was not our fault!
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Just take the blame. You get used to it.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: Oh, God.
Doci: Your gods cannot save you now, Daniel Jackson.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: No, no. That's just a statement of general dissatisfaction.

"Stargate SG-1: Birthright (#7.10)" (2003)
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Well this is... odd.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Maybe they just feel more comfortable talking to Sam.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Why, because we have penises?

"Stargate SG-1: Emancipation (#1.3)" (1997)
Jack O'Neill: The hell with culture - a member of my team has been neutralized. That's a hostile act.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: How is it that you always come up with the worst case scenario?
Jack O'Neill: I practice.

"Stargate SG-1: Demons (#3.8)" (1999)
Dr. Daniel Jackson: It was a procedure often done in the Middle Ages. They... well, they-they'd drill a hole in the person's head. By drilling a hole the evil spirits are released, thus saving the person from eternal damnation.
Jack O'Neill: Thus *saving* the person?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Well, they didn't call them the Dark Ages because it was dark.

"Stargate SG-1: The Quest: Part 2 (#10.11)" (2007)
Ba'al: You didn't think that just by calling out its name, you'd suddenly be able to control it?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: I don't know. Name magic is common in most mythologies. To know something's secret name is to steal its power.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: So what are we supposed to do, just start guessing?
Vala Mal Doran: Daryl the dragon.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: How about Smokey?
Teal'c: Perhaps Puff?

"Stargate SG-1: Between Two Fires (#5.9)" (2001)
Dr. Daniel Jackson: So, push on blindly then.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Blindly, yes. But we still have our slightly heightened sense of smell.

"Stargate SG-1: Affinity (#8.7)" (2004)
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: Teal'c, how do Jaffa couples handle their problems?
Teal'c: On Chulak, a dispute between a man and a woman that cannot be resolved necessitates a pledge break. It must be requested by one and granted by the other.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: And if that doesn't work?
Teal'c: A weapon is required.

"Stargate SG-1: Heroes: Part 2 (#7.18)" (2004)
Emmett Bregman: I just, uh, came by to, uh, give this back to you. I'm not gonna use it.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Wait. I want you to.
[pause]
Dr. Daniel Jackson: You know I died in this room? Ascended. Doctor Fraiser did everything she could. I mean, she went three days without sleep. Even in the end, she didn't wanna let me go. I owed her a lot more than I ever gave back. I thought a lot about what you said about, uh, Kristofsky. I think this shows what Janet Fraiser was all about.
Emmett Bregman: Me too.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: I want other people to know.

"Stargate SG-1: Evolution: Part 2 (#7.12)" (2003)
Burke: Is that that thing that made that guy do that thing?
Dr. Daniel Jackson, Ph.D.: Yeah, it's okay, it's off now.
Jack O'Neill: Good. That's good.
Dr. Bill Lee: Yeah, at least we think it's off. It's not glowing anymore so...
Dr. Daniel Jackson, Ph.D.: Glowing thing really gives it away, so if it's not glowing anymore it shouldn't be on anymore.
Dr. Bill Lee: [to Daniel] Do you want to hold it?
Dr. Daniel Jackson, Ph.D.: Nope.
[Daniel hops twice sideways away from Lee]
Burke: [laughing madly] That's crazy!

"Stargate SG-1: Into the Fire (#3.1)" (1999)
Colonel Makepeace: How's the leg? Can you walk?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: It's just a deep, bleeding gash, but it'll be fine.

"Stargate SG-1: The Fourth Horseman: Part 1 (#9.10)" (2005)
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: [laughing] Relax Jackson, I spent two weeks with these guys. You've got nothing to worry about.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Well, considering what happened the last time we were here, you'll forgive me if I'm a little cautious.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: We'll be fine.
[the group are being ambushed and captured by Jaffa]
Dr. Daniel Jackson: [blade to throat] We still fine?
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Yeah, we're fine.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Good, just checking.

"Stargate SG-1: Enigma (#1.16)" (1998)
Jack O'Neill: What?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Oh, just thinking what the little guy with the funny hair once told us.
Jack O'Neill: The very young do not always do as they're told?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Yeah.

"Stargate SG-1: Bane (#2.10)" (1998)
[Teal'c has bought Ally a new super soaker]
Ally: Have any time to play?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Uh, actually we ...
[She shoots Teal'c in the chest and runs off]
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Guess we shouldn't have loaded it, huh?
Teal'c: [Puts on sunglasses and looks at Daniel] How else would she defend herself?
[Teal'c shoots Daniel in the chest and chases after Ally]
Dr. Daniel Jackson: How else?
[Shakes water off his shirt]

"Stargate SG-1: Thor's Hammer (#1.9)" (1997)
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Do you know what this means?
Jack O'Neill: It's the only way out of here, Daniel.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: But what this thing can do for Sha're and Skaara...
Jack O'Neill: Teal'c's here now.
Teal'c: And here I will remain. I was with those who took the ones you love.
Jack O'Neill: No. You're part of this family now. We're not leaving you behind.

"Stargate SG-1: Babylon (#9.8)" (2005)
Chief Mst Sgt. Walter Harriman: We're receiving an IDC, sir. It's Colonel Mitchell.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: You're kidding.
Chief Mst Sgt. Walter Harriman: I would never do that, sir.

"Stargate SG-1: Zero Hour (#8.4)" (2004)
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: General.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: Colonel. We've all met.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Yes, actually we know each other's life stories.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: That snippiness?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Is that a word?

"Stargate SG-1: Holiday (#2.17)" (1999)
Jack O'Neill: [Testing to see if Machello really is Daniel] All right. Describe for me the dress your sister wore last week when I took her out.
Daniel Jackson/Machello: I don't have a sister, Jack. And if I did I wouldn't let you near her.

"Stargate SG-1: The Tok'ra: Part 2 (#2.12)" (1998)
Teal'c: Chelnak!
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Direct translation: Very cool!

"Stargate SG-1: Fair Game (#3.3)" (1999)
Jack O'Neill: Chronus doesn't know that. And Nirrti doesn't know what else we know.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Which is nothing.
Jack O'Neill: Right. But she doesn't know we know nothing.
General Hammond: What are you suggesting?
Jack O'Neill: I'm just saying, maybe it's time we take a page out of the Asgard book on dealin' with these Goa'ulds.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: You're gonna bluff.

"Stargate SG-1: Origin (#9.3)" (2005)
Dr. Daniel Jackson: We've been up against some pretty bad guys before.
Major General Jack O'Neill: Uhhh... not so pretty. Overdressed yes.

"Stargate SG-1: Menace (#5.19)" (2002)
Major Samantha Carter: Maybe she has some sort of programming that prevents her from acknowledging she's anything but human.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Robot denial?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Looks that way.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Has it occurred to anyone that this thing may have been laying around that planet for quite some time and that maybe it's broken? Or perhaps it never worked right in the first place.
Major Samantha Carter: So you think we should just shut her down?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Oh, I don't know. Let's ask the man who just had his head cracked open.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: I don't think she meant to hurt me, I just don't think she liked what I was saying.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: I don't like most of what you say but I try to resist the urge to shove you through a wall.

"Stargate SG-1: Nemesis (#3.22)" (2000)
Jack O'Neill: [Daniel has just gotten his appendix removed] Can I see your scar?
Dr. Daniel Jackson, Ph.D.: No.

"Stargate SG-1: Sacrifices (#8.9)" (2004)
[Daniel has explained in length the current status of the Jaffa rebellion]
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: What was my question again?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Um, "How's it going?"
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: It seemed so innocuous at the time.

"Stargate SG-1: Family Ties (#10.18)" (2007)
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: So, what's the deal with the accent, or in your father's case, the lack thereof?
Vala Mal Doran: Well, the accent, like most of my other good qualities, I got from my mother, my charm, my wit, my good looks.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: What'd you get from your dad?
Vala Mal Doran: Some minor food allergies.

"Stargate SG-1: Hathor (#1.13)" (1997)
Daniel Jackson: Hathor was the Egyptian goddess of fertility, inebriety, and music.
Jack O'Neill: Sex, drugs, and rock & roll?
Daniel Jackson: In a manner of speaking.

"Stargate SG-1: Past and Present (#3.11)" (1999)
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Let me ask you a question. Who would you trust with your life more than anyone else in the world? Don't worry, I won't be offended if you don't pick me. Could it be Teal'c?
Jack O'Neill: Sure.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Ah, Teal'c, just refresh my memory. What was your previous occupation?
Teal'c: I was First Prime of Apophis.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Right. Did a few nasty things back then?

"Stargate SG-1: Talion (#10.17)" (2007)
Vala Mal Doran: How do we get Arkad to tell us all the pieces of the puzzle?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Oh, that's the easy part. See, we capture him, lock him in a room, and threaten to let Teal'c kill him.
Vala Mal Doran: Genius.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Thank you.

"Stargate SG-1: The First Commandment (#1.5)" (1997)
Daniel Jackson: This tastes like chicken.
Sam Carter: So what's wrong with it?
Daniel Jackson: It's macaroni and cheese.

"Stargate SG-1: New Order: Part 2 (#8.2)" (2004)
Dr. Daniel Jackson: So we'd be looking for a needle in a haystack.
Thor: A haystack of infinite size.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: That's big.

"Stargate SG-1: The Sentinel (#5.20)" (2002)
Colonel Sean Grieves: I'll say it again, I don't like the idea of going into this unarmed.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: And... I don't care.
Lieutenant Kershaw: I feel better just knowing there's an archaeologist watching our backs.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: [holds up a knife] Yeah, which end do the bullets go in again?
Colonel Sean Grieves: I'd be happy to show you.

"Stargate SG-1: The Serpent's Lair (#2.1)" (1998)
Master Bra'tac: Perhaps when the warships of your world attack, we'll be able to...
Samantha Carter: Eh, excuse me. Did you say 'the ships of our world'?
Master Bra'tac: Surely you have such vessels?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Well, we have a number of - of...
Dr. Daniel Jackson, Jack O'Neill: Shuttles.
Master Bra'tac: These... 'shuttles'... they are a formidable craft?
Jack O'Neill: Oh yeah. Yeah. Bad day.

"Stargate SG-1: Space Race (#7.8)" (2003)
Dr. Daniel Jackson: [Major Carter has been invited on a dangerous space race in exchange for alien technology] You really think this is worth it?
Major Samantha Carter: Absolutely!
[pauses packing]
Major Samantha Carter: Why? Don't you?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: N-no-yeah. I just- You just seem unusually... gung-ho.
Major Samantha Carter: "Gung-ho"?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: This is kinda more than about attaining new technology for you, isn't it?
Major Samantha Carter: You mean helping Warrick? He did once risk his life for me.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Yeah, I heard that. I just think that there's something else.
Major Samantha Carter: Look, I know that this could be dangerous. But this is our job, right? It's what we signed on to do. We take risks in the hopes of achieving new levels of technology. If- and I stress 'if'- participating in this race happens to be a little bit...
[inhales through her teeth, faining ignorance]
Major Samantha Carter: ... I dunno...
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Fun?
Major Samantha Carter: [grins, shrugs] What's a girl to do?

"Stargate SG-1: Lost City: Part 2 (#7.22)" (2004)
Major Samantha Carter: What's eight down?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Um...label. With those empty spaces I think the answer is supposed to be identification. Thirteen across is sphere. Jack, this is it.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Now, see I assume we still speak the same language...mostly.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Sphere...planet. Label...name.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Following...still...you...not!
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Praclarush taonas. I...I think you wrote the name of the planet we will find the Lost City in the crossword.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Bit of a jump?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Why else would you do that?
Major Samantha Carter: The clue for seven down is "celestial body" and he wrote Uma Thurman.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Yes!

"Stargate SG-1: The Gamekeeper (#2.4)" (1998)
[SG-1 pops out the Gate in the middle of a beautiful garden]
Captain: This is beautiful.
Jack O'Neill: Yeah. But where there's a garden, there's snakes.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: And flowers.
[sneezes]
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Way too many flowers.

"Stargate SG-1: Tin Man (#1.18)" (1998)
Harlan: Hubald, he was the creator of all this, but he died very early - too early. Took many secrets with him, so long ago.
Jack O'Neill: How long, exactly?
Harlan: Uh, exactly? 99,207,000 of your... hours.
Jack O'Neill: [immediately] Well, that's 11,000 years.
Samantha Carter: How did *you* know that?
Jack O'Neill: That's right?
Samantha Carter: [calculating] Yeah.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Wait, how did *you* know that?

"Stargate SG-1: Ascension (#5.3)" (2001)
Dr. Daniel Jackson: I agree with Sam. We don't know enough about what happened on that planet, yet.
Colonel Frank Simmons: Need I remind you, Dr. Jackson, of the dangers that we're trying to defend Earth against?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: [sarcastic] Oh, uh, could you? I mean, go slow.

"Stargate SG-1: Counterstrike (#10.7)" (2006)
Master Bra'tac: [about Vala] She displays the wisdom of a battle seasoned warrior.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: She's a mother. Close enough.

"Stargate SG-1: Dominion (#10.19)" (2007)
Dr. Daniel Jackson: You sure you're okay with this?
Vala Mal Doran: Why does everyone keep asking me that?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Because she's your daughter. And no matter what she's done, it must be difficult to see her treated this way.
Vala Mal Doran: Let's get something clear. She's not my daughter, Daniel. The Ori impregnated me against my will and forced me to bring her into the galaxy. I was an incubator. A shipping crate. And nothing more.

"Stargate SG-1: Fire and Water (#1.12)" (1997)
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Memorial service?
Samantha Carter: The Colonel said some really nice things.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: He - he did. He did?

"Stargate SG-1: The Tomb (#5.8)" (2001)
Major Vallarin: Wait here.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Yes, you go down the dark hallway alone and I'll wait here in the dark room alone.

"Stargate SG-1: Last Stand (#5.16)" (2002)
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Yeah, you would think that a race smart enough to fly around in space would be smart enough to have seat belts.
Jacob Carter: I just prefer not to crash.

"Stargate SG-1: Deadman Switch (#3.7)" (1999)
Aris Boch: Dr. Jackson, if you don't mind treating my wound.
Daniel Jackson: I'm an archaeologist.
Aris Boch: I know, but you're also a doctor.
Daniel Jackson: Of archaeology.

"Stargate SG-1: Rules of Engagement (#3.9)" (1999)
Jack O'Neill: Is everyone clear on that? Daniel?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: What?
Jack O'Neill: Good.

"Stargate SG-1: In the Line of Duty (#2.2)" (1998)
Teal'c: [Daniel is laying on the gateroom's floor after Teal'c just shot him with a zat gun] Are you injured?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Dumb question.
[small pause]
Dr. Daniel Jackson: But thank you. I think.
Teal'c: You are welcome.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Just don't ever do that again.

"Stargate: Atlantis: First Contact (#5.10)" (2008)
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Look, they stripped us of everything but the clothing on our backs and surrounded us with laser walls. I'm not sure how much play we have here.
Dr. Rodney McKay: We've got one thing going for us, at least.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: What's that?
Dr. Rodney McKay: We're not dead yet.

"Stargate SG-1: It's Good to Be King (#8.13)" (2005)
Harry 'King Arkhan The First' Maybourne: You should try one of these. It called, uh...
Garan: Ojun fruit.
Harry 'King Arkhan The First' Maybourne: Right. It's sort of a cross between a guava and a mango.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Sort of a "guango"?
Harry 'King Arkhan The First' Maybourne: I like that! People, henceforth ojun fruit shall be called guango. So shall it be!
[the people cheer and applaud]
Harry 'King Arkhan The First' Maybourne: I get to name all kinds of stuff. You should see the Grateful Dead Burial Ground.

 

John Sheppard

"Stargate: Atlantis: Progeny (#3.5)" (2006)
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: You mean, you have a plan?
Oberoth: We do.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Great, let's hear it.
[Oberoth stares at him blankly]
Dr. Rodney McKay: You plan, I mean.
Oberoth: I doubt that you would be able to grasp its complexity and scope.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Fortunately, I'm very good with complexity.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: And scope.

Teyla Emmagan: Might it not be possible that these people merely discoved this city, as you discovered Atlantis?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Wouldn't be surprised. They didn't seem very Ancienty to me.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Ancienty?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Yes, that's the word I was looking for.

Niam: Oberoth can be... intractable.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Not exactly the word I was looking for.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Un-Ancienty?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Not that word either.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Still nothing?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Still nothing.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Who the hell are you people?
Dr. Rodney McKay: They're not people, they're machines. They're replicators!

Niam: It is real, Dr. McKay. Your minds are no longer being probed.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Good to know it was just our minds.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, please don't make me sick.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir: And Oberoth will agree to this?
Niam: I believe Oberoth is attacking Atlantis as a result of that programming. If we can prove to him that it can be altered...
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You think he'll see the light?
Dr. Rodney McKay: [sarcastically] Hallelujah.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Ancients?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: He's got one of their scanners.
Dr. Rodney McKay: So do we.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [about Ronon's gun] Put that thing away. I told 'em we were friendly.
Ronon Dex: I'm friendly.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Is that thing set to stun?
[Ronon sets it to stun]
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Friendlier.

Niam: [regarding ZPMs] Oh yes. We have many of those.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Exactly how many is many?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Exactly doesn't matter. Many is plenty.

Dr. Rodney McKay: [regarding ZPMs] I assume that you... built them yourselves?
Niam: Yes.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yes.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Easy, Rodney, you're slobbering.

Dr. Rodney McKay: He says the other Ancients are arrogant?
Niam: I'm sorry if you thought Oberoth was condescending in any way.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: How 'bout in every way.
Niam: It is difficult for him to see you as capable of understanding.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yeah, well, how many Ph.Ds does he have?

Oberoth: Lower your weapons.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: How much lower would you like them?
Oberoth: Do you really wish to challenge us?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Maybe the floor?
[lowers weapon]

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [to Niam] You're the one we like, so don't take this personally.
[Ronon knocks Niam out]

Dr. Rodney McKay: [John is going to manually set off the self-destruct] No, no, no! I can't let you do this, not without tossing a coin or something! It doesn't seem right!
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I appreciate the offer, Rodney. Now, get out of here!

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: What'd they do to you?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Torture, in ways to hideous and... intimate to recount?
Ronon Dex: Like what?
Dr. Rodney McKay: I said "too hideous to recount."

Dr. Rodney McKay: This is bad. They're very similar to an artificle intelligence that SG-1 encountered several years ago that evolved from a tiny block replicator into human form. They may even be related somehow.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I read those reports. Stargate Command could barely defeat the human form replicators.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Which is why I said, "this is bad."

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: How's it coming Rodney?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Slowly.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: What's the hold-up?
Dr. Rodney McKay: What's the hold-up? Do you have any idea what I'm trying to do here?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Niam gave you access to the program code, and you're screwing around with it.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, that is so... relatively accurate.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Thank you.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Still, we're not dealing with Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots here. We are dealing with a complex codeof over three billion chemical base sequences. It's like trying to reconfigure the DNA double helix.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Okay, so, what? Five minutes?

Dr. Rodney McKay: Exactly, but , while I was working on it, I figured out a way to create a glitch that, on my command, should momentarily freeze them.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: "Should."
Dr. Rodney McKay: Okay, if you will, I mean, dead in their tracks. Like hitting the pause button. Only temporarily, until they figure out how to override it.
Ronon Dex: How long?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, I don't know. That's why I said "momentarily."
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Days? Hours? Minutes?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, look, it's minutes, but I don't know. That's what I was just saying to him.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: 10? 20?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Okay, fine, you want a number? Fine, seven. 7 minutes and 31 seconds. Are you happy?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: No.
Dr. Rodney McKay: No?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: That's not enough time.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Okay, well, you wanted a number.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: A bigger number!
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, it may very well be longer.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Or shorter.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I don't know. Look, you're missing the point.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Gentlemen, focus, please.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: So much for seven and a half minutes.
Dr. Rodney McKay: It was an *arbitrary* number.

Dr. Rodney McKay: Look, as soon as I trigger the overload there'll be practically zero lag time before it blows.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Practically?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Okay, so, like, a few seconds for it to build up power -
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: How many seconds?
Dr. Rodney McKay: I don't know.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: 5? 10?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Again with the arbitrary numbers!

Dr. Rodney McKay: Either the Ancients purposely conceiled every record, extremely well, I might add, or they simply deleted them from the database. I'm leaning towards the latter.
Dr. Radek Zelenka: Perhaps the think they've truly destroyed them all.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Or they didn't want anyone to know they failed.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Again. God, there is nothing more annoying than people who won't admit their own mistakes.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [He and Radek share a look] True.

"Stargate: Atlantis: Phantoms (#3.9)" (2006)
Dr. Carson Beckett: Do you suppose the Genii are responsible for the energy readings we're detecting?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Probably. It'd be just our luck we've stumbled on one of their nuclear testing sites.
Lt. Kagan: [worried] Nuclear testing site?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Just a small one.

Ronon Dex: A Wraith bunker, but no Wraith.
Teyla Emmagan: It appears to have been abandoned for some time.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: The Genii probably stumbled on to it just like we did.
Dr. Carson Beckett: And then promptly killed each other. Why?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Another Hardy Boys mystery.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: What is this?
Dr. Carson Beckett: It appears to be organic.
Dr. Rodney McKay: It's like the energy conduit aboard a Wraith ship... and every bit as disgusting.

Lt. Kagan: This frequency... can it hurt us?
Dr. Rodney McKay: It's doubtful, apart from the obvious sterility issues.
Lt. Kagan: Wh-What?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: He's kidding. You're kidding, right?
[Rodney makes a non-committal noise]

Dr. Rodney McKay: Can we stop for a second?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: No.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Look, I mean no disrespect, but this guy's heavy and ever since I was shot in the ass by an arrow, I've been prone to sciattica.
[beat]
Dr. Rodney McKay: No?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [They both look at destroyed DHD] Is there any other way to dial? And don't say no if there is *any* possibility, because I am not in the mood for your usual impossible heroics game.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I wouldn't do that!

Teyla Emmagan: I am trying to impress upon Dr. McKay that determining how to turn the thing off is more pressing than learning what it actually does.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You don't even know what it does?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, I can now state for certain that it is, in fact, a generator.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: We already knew that.

Teyla Emmagan: Is that what made all these people kill each other?
Dr. Rodney McKay: I hope so.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You hope so?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Otherwise, there are two bizarre things going on, and one is more than enough for me, thank you very much.

Dr. Rodney McKay: Genii. They must have discovered the place, started messing around with the machine without having the first clue as to what they were doing. Which explains why the place is covered in this.
[indicates organic material]
Teyla Emmagan: And before the realized what they'd done ...
Dr. Rodney McKay: They couldn't figure out how to turn it off, so they shot the thing, hoping they could somehow kill it, which only made it regrow more, make it that much more difficult for someone with the ability to actually turn it off *to* actually turn it off.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: So you can't actually turn it off?
Dr. Rodney McKay: I never said that.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Well, what *did* you say?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Don't worry. I'm fine. No violent urges yet. What about you? Getting any ideas about killing me?
Teyla Emmagan: No.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: That's good to hear.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Did you hear that?
Teyla Emmagan: What?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Engines. Like a Jeep. not that you would know what a Jeep sounds like.

[Throughout the scene, Rodney is complaining that John shot him]
Dr. Rodney McKay: [third time] You shot me.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [exasperated] Yes, Rodney, I shot you, and I said I was sorry.
Ronon Dex: You shot me, too.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I'm sorry for shooting everyone!

Dr. Elizabeth Weir: How are Rodney and Teyla?
Dr. Rodney McKay: He shot me!
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: They're both fine.

Dr. Rodney McKay: You shot me!
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Yes, Rodney, I shot you, and I said I was sorry.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I'm sorry for shooting everyone!

Dr. Rodney McKay: I can't believe you shot me!
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Get some sleep Rodney!

"Stargate: Atlantis: The Return: Part 1 (#3.10)" (2006)
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Felt a little weird but everything seems to be in one piece.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: What if you were forced out of your home because of war, and you came back to find someone sitting on your couch, eating your cheetos, watching your TV?
Dr. Rodney McKay: [raising his chin in the air] I'd be fine with that.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: No you wouldn't.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [to Ronon and Teyla] You guys want any of this stuff: Johnny Cash poster, skateboard, sudoku books?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: This sucks.
Ronon Dex: Yeah.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Well before our paths uncross, can you guys help me out with these boxes? I'll throw in a pizza and some beer.
Teyla Emmagan: Popcorn?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: And popcorn for givi...
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [Ronon hugs John around the waist, pulling him off the ground] Oh my god!

Dr. Rodney McKay: OK, we need to send them a message before they get out of range and we have to jump ahead. Uh, something like, you know, "We are humans from Earth currently occupying Atlantis, uh, yada, yada, yada..."
Maj. John Sheppard: Why don't we just ask 'em to slow down?
Captain Dave Kleinman: Kleinman's console beeps. Colonel Caldwell. The unidentified vessel is slowing down.
Maj. John Sheppard: Maybe they heard me.
Dr. Rodney McKay: looking at the pilot's console: No, they saw us. They're not just slowing down - they're slamming on the brakes something like twenty-seven gees.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Life isn't fair. It's just fairer than death.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Oscar Wilde?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Princess Bride. Good movie.

Dr. Rodney McKay: [on the phone with Sheppard] You know, the truth is I...
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: What?
Dr. Rodney McKay: I don't want to use the term lonely, but there are certain people who I miss...
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Me
Dr. Rodney McKay: You, not so much. You, I'm on my cell phone with. You, I'm having dinner with tomorrow night.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: See you tomorrow night.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Wouldn't miss it!

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You should call her.
Dr. Carson Beckett: Who? Cadman?
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: You guys did make a cute couple.
Dr. Carson Beckett: It didn't work out. Maybe it had to do with our first kiss being through Rodney.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [cell phones ring] Sheppard.
Dr. Rodney McKay: McKay.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Hello?
Dr. Carson Beckett: [only one not answering a phone] I didn't bring my bloody cell phone with me? What's happening?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [to Teyla and Ronon about Athosian food] That smells great! You save some for us?

Dr. Elizabeth Weir: [about Carson's turtles] Turtles are pretty hearty, I'm sure they'll be fine.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Plus, they're really good in soup.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I'll be damned if we let some replicators take our home from us.

"Stargate: Atlantis: Common Ground (#3.7)" (2006)
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Rodney, dial the damn 'gate. Don't wait for us!
Dr. Rodney McKay: As if the bullets whizzing past my head weren't encouragement enough!

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [by himself in a prison cell] Kolya! I didn't kill you last time, remember? You promised me points for that. Kolya! Dammit. I should have killed him.

Male Wraith: There is no escape.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Yeah, well, prisons are like that. Never stopped me before. How long you been down here?
Male Wraith: Many years.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: How many is many? 5? 10?
Male Wraith: It no longer matters.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: That many, huh?

Soldier: Move.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Where are we movin' to?
[Soldier cocks gun]
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I kind of like it heere.
[Soldier shoots the wall behind John]
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Ow!
Soldier: Commander Kolya insists.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Oh, he insists? Well, why didn't you just say so?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [to the Wraith prisoner who just fed on him] This might come as a surprise to you, but I'm not really in the mood for conversation. So why don't you do me a favor and
[shouts]
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: shut the hell up!

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I thought you said this wasn't personal.
Commander Acastus Kolya: The truth is, I would've settled for Dr. McKay. But I don't imagine i would enjoy his constant wailing.

Commander Acastus Kolya: You'd prefer I stormed Atlantis and take Ladon by force?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [laughs] You've got... half a dozen men and a starving Wraith? Yeah, you go right ahead.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You know, I could've sworn I was gonna wake up dead today.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You stopped yourself.
Male Wraith: Yes.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Why?
Male Wraith: Because, the longer I feed, the weaker you become... and we will need what strength you have left to escape.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Now he wants to escape.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: How far is the stargate?
Male Wraith: It will be guarded.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: We've got guns.
Male Wraith: They will be waiting for us.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Don't be so negative.
[Wraith grunts]
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You think you're gonna make it?
Male Wraith: If I feed.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Well, don't look at me.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You have no idea where the stargate is, do you?
Male Wraith: It was many years ago.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Way to go, John - listening to a Wraith!

Commander Acastus Kolya: [over the radio] Kill the Wraith on sight, but I want Sheppard alive.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Well, we learned two things. One, he likes me better than you.
[Wraith laughs]
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Two, we probably never would've made it to the stargate anyway.
Male Wraith: Then it is over.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: No. Our people don't leave each other behind. That's three things you've learned.

Soldier: [Over the radio] Tell Kolya there's nobody around the 'gate.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Sounds like they're concentrating their search around the 'gate. They must think we knew where we were going.
Male Wraith: [laughs ruefully] Oh, it was worth it... if only to see the sky again.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I got slightly higher expectations.
Male Wraith: My wound is deep. If I do not feed soon... I will die.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Buck up.

"Stargate: Atlantis: Irresistible (#3.3)" (2006)
Dr. Rodney McKay: Okay, let's just make contact, buy our souvenirs, and...
[sees multiple beautiful women]
Dr. Rodney McKay: get out of here!
Willa: Fair day to you.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Fair day to *you*. Nothing here. We should probably go.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yeah, probably wouldn't hurt to make contact with the locals, though.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: No, no, when you're right, you're right.

Lucius Lavin: I have, I have to say, some of the best ointments around.
[John sneezes]
Lucius Lavin: See, I could take care of that,
[snaps]
Lucius Lavin: just like that.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: It's just a cold.
Lucius Lavin: Nevertheless, I have a potion that could get rid of that in six or seven days.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Mm.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [sarcastically] That's impressive.
Lucius Lavin: You get used to it.

Dr. Rodney McKay: One lousy gate, we're never gonna meet our quota at this rate.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: What quota?
Dr. Rodney McKay: My quota.

Dr. Carson Beckett: There's so much he can offer us!
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Is this the same guy who said he could cure my cold in a week?
Dr. Carson Beckett: I know my business, Colonel Sheppard. He happens to have created several remedies that are quite remarkable.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Really? That guy?

Dr. Carson Beckett: He's a very wise and kind man.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Are you feeling all right?
Dr. Carson Beckett: What do you mean?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: It's just you're acting... a little...
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Smitten?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I had another word in mind.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Teyla... this is the same man who asked you to be his seventh wife.
Teyla Emmagan: [worried] I know. I hope I didn't upset him.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: This is creeping me out.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yeah, it reminds me of an old episode of Batman, actually. Catwoman used a drug to put a spell on Batman, make him fall in love with her. Ended up doing all sorts of evil things for her. kind of a turn-on, actually. It was Julie Newmar in the catsuit...
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Eartha Kitt was Catwoman.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Not till season three.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Really?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yeah, you didn't know that?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Elizabeth wants to send a team to check out a gate at a suspected Wraith outpost.
Dr. Rodney McKay: What is she, nuts?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Everybody's nuts, Rodney. Haven't you noticed?

Dr. Rodney McKay: You're leaving me here alone?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You said you needed the liquid.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yeah, but the place is turning into a nuthouse.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Somebody's gotta stay. Just keep away from the nuts.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I thought you said you were gonna stay away from the nuts.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yes, well, I tried to keep to myself, but Lucius here was concerned for me, so he just came down, Ronon held me against the wall, and we had a nice, long talk.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: So everyone here... back to normal?
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: We're still fine, John.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: No lingering desires? Secret longings for his touch?
Dr. Carson Beckett: It's embarrassing enough without you constantly reminding us, thank you.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Hey, buddy, I'd better get back and clean your quarters before the next scout.
[Runs off]
Dr. Rodney McKay: Right.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Rodney.
Dr. Rodney McKay: It was one teeny, tiny taste for research purposes.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Burn it.
Dr. Carson Beckett: All of it.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Right now.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Fine. Story of my life.

"Stargate: Atlantis: McKay and Mrs. Miller (#3.8)" (2006)
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You need to pack your toothbrush and head back to Earth.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Why?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Carter needs help.
Dr. Rodney McKay: [smugly] With what?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Your sister.

Dr. Rodney McKay: [to Jeannie] What have you told them?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: We weren't talking about you.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, you weren't?
Teyla Emmagan: No. We were discussing many things.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Now, when the issue of bedwetting happended to come up, she may have mentioned something about your childhood.
Dr. Rodney McKay: That is not true.
Ronon Dex: Relax. We all have embarrassing childhood stories.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Of course we do.
Ronon Dex: There was one time the school bullies made me eat lunch with my underwear on my head.
Dr. Rodney McKay: [slightly hopeful] Oh...
Ronon Dex: Oh, wait, that was you.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, hardy har-har.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Has he talked about his sister with you?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Once or twice is passing. Usually like, "Oh, come on, even my sister can do that!" You know, that type of thing.

Dr. Rodney McKay: [comes into the mess to find everyone eating and laughing] What is this?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Hey, Meredith!
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, wonderful.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Say what you want. I know what this is all about.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, really, Mr. MENSA in a parallel universe, what is this all about?

Dr. Rodney McKay: [comes into the mess to find everyone for the third time] Am I just not getting the team e-mails anymore?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Take it easy. We're just talking about Rod.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yes, well, of course you are.
Teyla Emmagan: Do you think he made it back to his universe?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, it's hard to say, really, but I doubt he'll be back, though.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: That's good, uh, we found him a little creepy.
Dr. Rodney McKay: What?
Ronon Dex: I can't stand people who are nice all the time. It makes me feel like they're trying to hide something.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Really?
Teyla Emmagan: He kept trying to correct *me* on my Athosian history. It grew tiresome very quickly.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, he wasn't that bad.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Let's be honest. Rod was annoying.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, I'll be honest with you. That's kind of nice to hear. Now...
[pulls up a chair as the rest of the team smiles]
Dr. Rodney McKay: What else has been happening?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Well, Teyla's got the hots for one of the new Marines.
[Teyla kicks him in the leg]
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Ow!
Teyla Emmagan: That is *not* true.
Ronon Dex: You know it is.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Hardly new, either.
[everyone smiles and laughs as the show fades out]

Dr. Rodney McKay: She's married and she's my sister.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I'm just saying hi.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I know exactly what your doing... Kirk.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Did you just call him 'Mer'?
Dr. Rodney McKay: It's a pet name.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Whatever you say Meredith!

Dr. Rodney McKay: What does Elizabeth have to say about this?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: "Two McKays are better than one"

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: And that would...?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Be bad.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Yeah, I got that.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: How bad?

"Stargate: Atlantis: Echoes (#3.12)" (2006)
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You're the one who volunteered to go.
Ronon Dex: If I do something like that again, shoot me.
Dr. Radek Zelenka: He was like this all night. You know, very agitated. Had me scared.

Dr. Rodney McKay: Hey, how long have you been standing there?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Hour or so.
Dr. Rodney McKay: What? Why didn't you say anything? I feel like a - oh. It's the kidding.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You named him after Samantha Carter?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well Sam's a boy's name too.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You didn't feed him, did you?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [Rodney is slightly deaf] Rodney? Canadian football league's a joke. Celine Dion is overrated. Zelenka is smarter than you are.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: So, these, uh, whales. Did the Ancients say they're good eating?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, you wouldn't!
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I would.

Dr. Rodney McKay: You are not gonna believe this. I've been monitoring Sam on the underwater scanner...
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Stop calling him that.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Why?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: It's creepy!
Dr. Rodney McKay: No, it's not.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: That guy's the size of a football field!
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yeah, a *Canadian* football field.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Hey, wanna take a closer look?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Umm...
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Come on.

Dr. Rodney McKay: This is not a good plan.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Sure it is.
Dr. Rodney McKay: You realise just how close we'll have to get to the sun?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Pretty damned close, I'm thinkin'.
Dr. Rodney McKay: *Suicidally* close. I mean, we'll be toast.

"Stargate: Atlantis: Misbegotten (#3.2)" (2006)
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [about the hive ship] You figured out how to fly the thing yet?
Dr. Rodney McKay: [sarcastically] Oh, yeah, fly, shimmy, spin like a top. You didn't think it'd be hard, did you?

Dr. Elizabeth Weir: We've all logged more than a few miles these past few weeks. I'd just like to say that... seeing you now, sitting across from me... looking at your faces... It makes me feel very...
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You don't have to say it.
Teyla Emmagan: We feel the same way you do.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, she feels hungry, too?
[smiles at Elizabeth]

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: How many maneuvers can you pull off with your manual interface?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, does standing still count as a maneuver?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: No.
[Elizabeth smiles]

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [stomping into Elizabeth's office] Just out of political curiosity, how much trouble is it gonna cost you if I knock this Woolsey guy in the head?
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: May I ask why you'd like to do that?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Just an impulse I had, really. One, I suspect, I'm gonna have again, next time I see him. He may not even have to say anything.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: I've never seen you like this. What did Woolsey say to you?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Besides judging every damn decision you've ever made?
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: John Sheppard, are you defending my honor?

Dr. Elizabeth Weir: [about Woolsey] I wouldn't be too hard on him. I think of all the circling wolves, he's the least likely to actually bite. In fact, he may even convince the others to leave us alone.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: All right, so, uh... no head-knocking.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: It's the thought that counts.

Dr. Rodney McKay: That's weird. A bunch of secondary systems just came online.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You're a genius, Rodney.
Dr. Rodney McKay: True, but I didn't do it.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: How did they contact the ship so far out?
Dr. Rodney McKay: I have no idea. Teyla, what do you think?
Teyla Emmagan: It is possible that a group of them acting together could communicate over much larger distances.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Well, live and learn.
Dr. Rodney McKay: And live some more, hopefully.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: What about the fail-safe device? What kind of kill zone are we looking at?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Everything within a three-mile radius is toast.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You sure about that? We've got no margin for error here.
Dr. Rodney McKay: The blast radius doesn't just stop at three miles.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: How are you doing with the weapons?
Dr. Rodney McKay: We couldn't hit the side of a barn.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Hive ships are a hundred times bigger...
Dr. Rodney McKay: A giant flying barn, we couldn't hit that.

"Stargate: Atlantis: Inferno (#2.19)" (2006)
Maj. John Sheppard: That ship in the hangar... Maybe McKay can fix it.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, maybe I can fix it, place the pressure squarely on my shoulders for a change!
Maj. John Sheppard: Well, I've discovered you're pretty good under the threat of impending death!
[McKay pauses, clears throat]
Dr. Rodney McKay: ...I am, actually.
[McKay runs off to the fix the ship]

Dr. Rodney McKay: The long range scanners: that's just what we call them.
Maj. John Sheppard: It's from an old TV show...
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yes, yes.

Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.: I should head back with you and begin negotiations with the Taranan leader. What's he like?
Maj. John Sheppard: Oh, you know. He's a guy. Didn't pay much attention. Sorry!

Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.: Hopefully we can establish an alliance with them. A ship like that...
Maj. John Sheppard: would come very much in handy now that the Wraith are probably on their way: I know. Uh, I'm gonna get back there now: make sure he's not distracted.
Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.: Distracted?
Maj. John Sheppard: Ah, well, the lead scientist, uh, she's very, um...
Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.: Hot?
Maj. John Sheppard: I was gonna say attractive. But McKay is acting very, uh...
Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.: Smitten?
Maj. John Sheppard: I was gonna say pathetic.

Dr. Rodney McKay: ...And, I've uh, discovered the ships name... It's the, um, Hipapheralkus.
Maj. John Sheppard: The what?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yeah, well it appears to have been named after an Ancient general... Hipapheralkus.
Maj. John Sheppard: Well, we're not calling it that!
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh good, then what about, um...
Maj. John Sheppard: -And we're not calling it the Enterprise, either!
Dr. Rodney McKay: I wasn't gonna say that! Look, for my second choice, though, I'd go with, um...
Maj. John Sheppard: How about we name it later?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Fine.

Dr. Rodney McKay: It's plenty of time to open a hyperspace window.
[pause]
Dr. Rodney McKay: What? That's my plan. Didn't I tell you about that?
Dr. Carson Beckett: No.
Maj. John Sheppard: No, you didn't.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, you were too busy running around looking for people.

Dr. Rodney McKay: I have a very firm grasp of Ancient technology.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You've blown up entire planets, Rodney.
Dr. Rodney McKay: That wasn't my fault!

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: We don't have time to wait for the Daedelus. How are those engines coming?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Not even close.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Well then I guess we're all going to die.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, you're doing that on purpose.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: What?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Creating an impossible task that my ego will force me to overcome.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Yes, yes, that's exactly what I'm doing. It has nothing at all to do with saving the lives these people, it's all about you. Get your ass back to work and FIX THOSE DAMN ENGINES!

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: So your plan is to not blow a hole in the hangar but to sit here and wait for this cataclysmic eruption to take place.
Dr. Rodney McKay: With the shields and inertial dampeners at full strength, yes.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I think I may be missing something. Correct me if I'm wrong, but when the volcano erupts, don't we as well?
Dr. Rodney McKay: That's the plan.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: That's the plan?
Dr. Rodney McKay: That's the plan!
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: That plan sucks!
Dr. Carson Beckett: Aye!
Dr. Rodney McKay: This ship will be ejected along with the magma and steam several thousand feet into the air.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: The ship can survive that?
Dr. Rodney McKay: For exactly 4.1 seconds, yes. Look, the hangar should disintegrate. The moment we're clear, we open a brief hyperspace window, jump to space before the explosion depletes our shields and incinerates us, hmm?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [Nervously] OK.
Dr. Rodney McKay: What?
Dr. Carson Beckett: Very clever, Rodney.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well don't thank me until it works... which it probably won't.

"Stargate: Atlantis: The Shrine (#5.6)" (2008)
Jeannie Miller: Why the hell didn't you tell me my brother was this far gone?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: It all happened pretty fast, Jeannie.
Jeannie Miller: No... I got a message from him just a couple of weeks ago. He seemed perfectly fine; he'd never been so nice.
Dr. Jennifer Keller: That would have been shortly after he became infected. I didn't recognize the symptoms in time.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: It's not your fault, doc.
Richard Woolsey: Frankly Mrs. Miller, we contacted you as soon as we became aware of the seriousness of his condition. In fact, Daedalus dropped you off in the first available gate in Pegasus because we were concerned that you wouldn't make it here in time. We thought you deserved a chance to say goodbye.

Richard Woolsey: Dr. Keller wanted to take a moment to prepare him for your visit.
Jeannie Miller: Yeah, I think I need a moment myself. How did this happen to him?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: There was a little snafu on our last mission.

Richard Woolsey: Colonel Sheppard, when you reach the research camp, please remind Dr. Nichols that he is now one hour and fifteen minutes overdue for his scheduled check-in.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Alright. Want me to smack him around or anything?
Richard Woolsey: Just the reminder please.
Teyla Emmagan: Shouldn't we be concerned for Dr. Nichols' team?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: No. The settlement's a half hour away from the gate and Woolsey's got him checking in every six. I'm sure Nichols is just tired of taking the round trip.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Still, wouldn't hurt to bust his chops a bit. That Nichols is so arrogant.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [the team emerged from a Stargate that was unexpectedly underwater and is stuck on top] . Alright, everybody. We'll be warm soon enough.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I think I got wetter than you did.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I don't know. I think I got a little damp dialing the DHD.
Teyla Emmagan: The research camp is further up this valley. I'm a little concerned for Dr. Nichols' team.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [into radio] Anyone at the research camp, this is Colonel Sheppard, please respond. I repeat, this is Colonel Sheppard, please respond.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I'm pretty sure they're all dead.
Teyla Emmagan: We can't know that Rodney!

Dr. Rodney McKay: [in a hospital bed] Hey, can I go now? I feel a little silly lying here.
Dr. Jennifer Keller: I'm keeping you under observation for a little longer. Besides, I ordered you dinner.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, then you can observe me eat, because I'm famished.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: It's official: he's better.

Richard Woolsey: I think you've just made a case for my proposal to send a MALP ahead of every single transit.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Stuff happens, Woolsey. And by stuff, I mean...
Richard Woolsey: I know what you mean, thank you.

Dr. Rodney McKay: Jennifer says it's gonna get worse now, almost by the hour. In a week or so, I won't even remember my own name. How's about... How 'bout we say goodbye now?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: No.
Dr. Rodney McKay: What do you mean, no?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I mean I'm not saying goodbye.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I'm saying it anyway.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Then I'm not listening.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yeah, but pretty soon I won't even know who you are.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Well I'll remind you.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yeah but I don't want you to see me like that. I want you to remember me as I am, as your genius friend, not as some shi...
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: -NOT happening.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Please.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You're stuck with me, Rodney, just accept it.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yeah bu...
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: No! And that's final.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Okay.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Okay.
Dr. Rodney McKay: [meaningful pause] You're a good friend, Arthur.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [Looks over, sees McKay is joking, and spits out his beer laughing]

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I'm not going anywhere. You know, you wanna hang out, you just hang out.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I don't know what to do with myself. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have woken you up.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Look, it's a nice night out. Let's go have some beer on the pier, okay?
Dr. Rodney McKay: I drink beer?

Dr. Rodney McKay: Absolutely not.
Jeannie Miller: We're talking about saving your life.
Dr. Rodney McKay: [brandishing the drill] Look, my brain is not some new deck off the back of your house.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I'm not the one doing the surgery.
Dr. Rodney McKay: [to Keller] Yeah, and as my parting advice, you need to stop letting these guys talk you into doing stupid things.
Dr. Jennifer Keller: I can do it.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Really?
Jeannie Miller: And I'm fairly sure I can modify the life signs detector.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yeah, with my help.
Jeannie Miller: So help.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Look, this isn't one of those PBS brain surgeries where my scull is open and we're having a conversation...
Dr. Jennifer Keller: I have enough anesthetic to put you out, you're not gonna feel a thing.
Dr. Rodney McKay: It's probably a *hammer*.

"Stargate: Atlantis: Tao of Rodney (#3.14)" (2006)
Dr. Carson Beckett: Alright. Like I said, as far as I can tell, he's as healthy as a horse. I'm clearing you for active duty.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Are you insane? Look, I need to be put under guard. Who knows what I could become?
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: What are the chances it could make him more pleasant?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, thank you!
Lt... Colonel John Sheppard: I'll keep an eye on him.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Thank you!
Dr. Rodney McKay: Can you still see me?

Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Have there been any other instances of this power manifesting itself?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Powers. Plural.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: What else can you do besides telekinesis?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, super-hearing for one, and I'm not sure but I think I may actually be getting smarter. It's hard to say for sure because I was pretty smart to start with but, um, recently I've been having some ideas that I don't think even I would have thought of before.
Lt... Colonel John Sheppard: Does super-ego count as a power?

Lt... Colonel John Sheppard: We could also be dealing with a super-appetite, although it's hard to tell because he ate so much before.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Very funny.
Dr. Carson Beckett: My God! He's eatin' again!
Dr. Rodney McKay: I have a very active metabolism.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir: I think he's having a hard time accepting this can't be solved with science, no matter how brilliant he is.
Lt... Colonel John Sheppard: You know what he needs? He needs to... release his burden.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Yeah, well, you know McKay.
Lt... Colonel John Sheppard: Maybe Doctor Heightmeyer can help.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Actually, I was thinking more along the lines of you.
Lt... Colonel John Sheppard: Me?
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Mmm-hmm. You lived with the Ancients for six months on the brink of ascension. You helped them face their fears and finally ascend.
Lt... Colonel John Sheppard: I fought a scary monster - that's what I do best.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: And for Rodney, I'm sure this seems like a pretty scary monster.

Lt... Colonel John Sheppard: Truth is, I was never really very good at this myself.
Dr. Rodney McKay: So why am I here?
Lt... Colonel John Sheppard: Elizabeth made me.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh. Yeah. Me too.

Dr. Rodney McKay: I think in the grand scheme of things, we're... we're good, aren't we?
Lt... Colonel John Sheppard: Of course.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Right. Look, if it's not too much trouble, I'd like you to read my eulogy.
Lt... Colonel John Sheppard: I *refuse* to discuss that.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Just keep it simple. Um, make up a few nice things. I'd like my little sister to be there... and, oh, you should know that I told Beckett that he should most definitely do a full autopsy. He can use my body for any kind of experimentation that might prove helpful, and, uh... Oh, and I'd like to be cremated, with my ashes to be, uh... thrown out into space from the Jumper...
Lt... Colonel John Sheppard: [Rodney collapses] Rodney... Rodney!

Lt... Colonel John Sheppard: There must be something we can do.
Dr. Rodney McKay: It's OK. You know, I'm actually feeling a sense of peace... interspersed with moments of sheer terror, of course.
Lt... Colonel John Sheppard: Rodney, as far as this ascension thing, I know you didn't have much success but at this point, what've you got to lose?
Dr. Rodney McKay: May as well go out fighting, huh?
Lt... Colonel John Sheppard: Absolutely.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Hook me up.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Rodney, you're a good person. Know that we love you.
Dr. Rodney McKay: You love me? Really? All of you?
Lt... Colonel John Sheppard: In a way a friend feels about another friend.
Dr. Rodney McKay: You're just saying that because I'm gonna die. Oh, God. I can't believe I'm gonna die.
Lt... Colonel John Sheppard: Alright, just back to the blue skies. Let your thoughts go.

"Stargate: Atlantis: Trinity (#2.6)" (2005)
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Best case scenario?
Dr. Rodney McKay: I win a Nobel Prize.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Worst case scenario?
Dr. Rodney McKay: We tear a hole in the fabric of the universe... which is much less likely to happen than the Nobel Prize. I mean, look, the risks are nothing compared to the potential benefits. Elizabeth will listen to you. I have never asked this of you before, but I think I've earned it. Trust me.

Colonel Steven Caldwell: A weapon that could effectively eliminate the Wraith threat is very attractive to me, and to the people that I work for. I'm not hiding that fact. But there's more to it, isn't there? No more hunting for ZPMs; the shield at full strength; faster, more powerful ships. How 'bout a power source that could provide the energy needs for an entire planet? No more fossil fuels.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: I get it! And if it worked as advertised, it would be wonderful. I'm trying to tell you I know Rodney McKay and there are times when I have to protect him from himself.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I can do that. Let me go back with him - just him and me. You can activate the Stargate any time you want to contact us by radio.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: He really sold you.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: He asked me to trust him.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir: [via radio] Rodney, I cannot afford to lose either one of you. Now tell me: can you do this?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yes.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Are you sure?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yes?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Are you sure you're sure?
Dr. Rodney McKay: I said yes!
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Because if you're wrong...
Dr. Rodney McKay: I'm not!
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [to his radio] I'll call you back after the test - how does that sound?
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: [via radio] You'd better.
Dr. Rodney McKay: [to John] I won't let you down.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Alright, that's it. We're outta here.
Dr. Rodney McKay: It's not safe! The weapon's firing at random targets above the planet. This is the safest place to be right now.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: The place isn't gonna be safe for very much longer!
Dr. Rodney McKay: I can bring it back under control! Just give me a second!
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: No, you can't!
Dr. Rodney McKay: Just one second!
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I've seen this before, Rodney: pilots who wouldn't eject when something went wrong - trying to fix their planes right until it hit the ground.
Dr. Rodney McKay: OK, we need to leave. I've waited too long - the weapon can't discharge enough power to avoid a catastrophic overload. This whole planet's gonna go up. Not that your speech wasn't working.

Dr. Rodney McKay: You need to avoid flying predictably to prevent the weapon from locking onto us.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I know what I'm doing.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I'm just saying: be sure not to fly in a straight line.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Rodney, shut up!
Dr. Rodney McKay: Can I just say there's no way the Jumper can take even one direct hit?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I'll keep that in mind.

Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, Colonel! Colonel! I've been looking all over for you.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I heard.
[folds with arms as he turns back to face Rodney]
Dr. Rodney McKay: I suppose I deserve that. Look, I just, um, I wanted to apologise about what happened. I was wrong - I'm sorry. And I wanted to assure you that, uh, I intend not being right again - about everything, effective immediately.
[John smiles slightly]
Dr. Rodney McKay: That was a joke.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Good one.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I've already apologised to Elizabeth... and Radek... and I thanked Colonel Caldwell for, uh, caring enough to spy on the experiment from orbit. I sent him a nice little email, actually. But I saved you 'til last 'cause, um, honestly, I would... I would hate to think that recent events might have permanently dimmed your faith in my abilities, or your trust. At the very least, I hope I can earn that back.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: That may take a while.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I see.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: But, I'm sure you can do it, if you really wanna try.
[they both smile]

[explaining an energy weapon to Sheppard]
Dr. Rodney McKay: The sticking point is that, ah, there is no tie between the power generator and the primary capacitor.
Dr. Zelenka: Meaning that they would have to channel the power directly into the weapon.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Which I'm sure that means nothing to you.
Maj. John Sheppard: It means they could fire multiple bursts without having to store more power for the next firing sequence.
Dr. Rodney McKay: [surprised] Yes... very good.
Maj. John Sheppard: Which leads me back to 'cool'!

"Stargate: Atlantis: Rising (#1.1)" (2004)
Dr. Carson Beckett: Then you don't even know about the Stargate.
Major John Sheppard: The what?

Major John Sheppard: What's the mask you've got on?
Wex: This? Wraith.
Major John Sheppard: Wraith? What's that?
Jinto: You don't know?
Wex: What world did you come from?
Jinto: Can we go there?
Major John Sheppard: Afraid not. I'm from a galaxy far, far away.

Major John Sheppard: On the surface without a shield? We're target practice.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I'm acutely aware of that, Major, but thank you for reinforcing it.
Major John Sheppard: When can you tell me where the Wraith took Colonel Sumner and the others?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Even with the six symbols Lieutenant Ford provided there are still hundreds of permutations.
Major John Sheppard: Seven hundred and twenty.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yes. I knew that of course. I'm just surprised you did.
Major John Sheppard: Take away the coordinates you can't get a lock on, and that's your one. When you find it, send a MALP.

Major John Sheppard: [after almost being blown up by a drone] Well, that was different.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill USAF: For me, not so much.

Major John Sheppard: So some people have the same genes as these Ancients.
Dr. Carson Beckett: The specific gene is very rare. But on the whole they look very much like we do. In fact, they were first. We're the second evolution of this form. The Ancients having explored this galaxy for millions of years before -
[Sheppard sits in the chair]
Dr. Carson Beckett: Major, please don't.
Major John Sheppard: Come on. What are the odds of me having the same genes as these guys?
[Chair powers up]
Dr. Carson Beckett: Quite slim, actually. Dr. Weir!

"Stargate: Atlantis: Epiphany (#2.12)" (2005)
Maj. John Sheppard: [stranded on the other side of the time-dilation portal] This is Sheppard. I appreciate you can't hear me, but I don't have a volleyball to talk to, so what the hell.

Dr. Rodney McKay: Okay, then, any volunteers?
Maj. John Sheppard: I'll go.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Just back out if you encounter anything problematic.
Maj. John Sheppard: Problematic?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yeah, like, uh, poisonous atmosphere, acid atmosphere, no atmosphere.

Maj. John Sheppard: This is downright problematic Rodney!

Maj. John Sheppard: Well, you're either going to eat me, or I'm gonna eat you!

Dr. Rodney McKay: Tape it to the stick, we extend the camera through, record for a few minutes, pull it back, play the record.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Yeah, "MALP on a Stick".

"Stargate: Atlantis: No Man's Land (#3.1)" (2006)
Michael Kenmore: I don't know how you got aboard, but if your friends are in pursuit, you need to disable these ships in order for them to reach us.
Maj. John Sheppard: If you really want to help, why don't you just do that?
Michael Kenmore: They would know.
Maj. John Sheppard: Aren't you "they"?
Michael Kenmore: Please believe me when I say I was as deceived as you were.
Maj. John Sheppard: Oh, I don't know, I was pretty deceived.

Michael Kenmore: Good luck.
Maj. John Sheppard: Thanks. It'll be a walk in the park. A very scary park... filled with monsters who are trying to kill me.
Michael Kenmore: I don't understand.
Maj. John Sheppard: Never mind. Operation "This Will Most Likely End Badly" is a go.

Maj. John Sheppard: Okay, how about some of this help you were talking about?
Michael Kenmore: I told you to target the hyperdrive.
Maj. John Sheppard: I already knew that.
Michael Kenmore: There's nothing I can do.
Maj. John Sheppard: Like hell there isn't. Call off the darts.
Michael Kenmore: They won't listen to me.
Maj. John Sheppard: This is not helpful, Michael.

Ronon Dex: Why should I trust you?
Michael Kenmore: Because I'm trusting you.
[He gives Ronan back his gun which Ronan then points at him]
Maj. John Sheppard: Because *I* said so.

Col. Steven Caldwell: Colonel Sheppard. We'd written you off.
Maj. John Sheppard: Don't get all emotional on me now.

"Stargate: Atlantis: Hide and Seek (#1.2)" (2004)
Dr. Peter Grodin: If both codes are properly entered the Naquada generator will overload. It will take thirty seconds.
Lt. Aiden Ford: You sure it'll do enough damage?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Ever seen a 20 kiloton nuclear explosion?
Major John Sheppard: I have.
Major John Sheppard: [everyone stares, he shrugs] Not up close.

Dr. Rodney McKay: Hit me.
[Grodin hits him, but a force shield stops him]
Dr. Peter Grodin: Ow, God!
Dr. Rodney McKay: You didn't have to swing so hard, and notice he didn't even hesitate.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: I'm still trying to understand how you thought it was a good idea to test this device by having someone throw you off a balcony.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, believe me, that's not the first thing we tried.
Major John Sheppard: I shot him. In the leg!
Dr. Rodney McKay: I'm invulnerable!
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Aren't you the one who's always spouting off about how proper and careful scientific procedure must be adhered to?
Dr. Rodney McKay: [singing] Invulnerable.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Alright, take it off. Let's go have this meeting.
Dr. Rodney McKay: You're just jealous.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Oh yes, green with envy!

Major John Sheppard: Listen, Teyla. Uh, don't tell McKay what I said about hockey not being a real man's sport 'cause, uh, it's a Canadian thing, a little touchy about it.

Carson Beckett M. D.: He fainted.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, there's gotta be a better word!
Carson Beckett M. D.: Faint is the proper medical term.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I passed out from... manly hunger.
Major John Sheppard: Well, hang in there.
[He turns his radio on]
Major John Sheppard: Doctor Weir, this is Sheppard. Uh, McKay's OK. He, uh, he fainted.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, yes, very sympathetic! Let's all mock the dying man! Thank you!

Dr. Rodney McKay: [opening his eyes] What happened?
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: You did it.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I did?
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: It went through the Gate.
Major John Sheppard: You must have passed out.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh. Well, thanks for not saying the other thing.

"Stargate: Atlantis: The Ark (#3.16)" (2007)
Dr. Rodney McKay: Just - can I say one more thing?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: As long as you say it as fast as you can.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Don't do this. It's impossible.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Willing to bet a week's wages on that?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yeah, how're you gonna pay up if I win, huh?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Thanks for caring.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yeah.

Dr. Rodney McKay: We're gonna lose radio contact as you pass through the atmosphere.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I know, Rodney.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I'm saying that if you have anything that you'd like to say, now would be a good time to say...
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: No, not really.

Teyla Emmagan: He tried to save his people, and he succeeded, through you.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: That's not the reason I did it.
Teyla Emmagan: I know.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Don't go feelin' special. I'd have done it for any one of you.
Teyla Emmagan: Of course.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Except for maybe McKay.
Teyla Emmagan: Yes - I think even for Rodney.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Maybe.

Dr. Rodney McKay: If anyone's counting, we have another problem. I can't seal the compartments between us 'cause one of the hatches won't shut.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: What's wrong with it?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Looks like the entire bulkhead was twisted when Sammy Suicide decided to fire up his rocket ship!

Dr. Rodney McKay: I figured it would be nice if we were all together as we burn up.
Maj. John Sheppard: McKay.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I'm sorry, I mean as we get rescued. I always get those two confused.

"Stargate: Atlantis: Submersion (#3.18)" (2007)
Dr. Rodney McKay: [talking about wraith cruiser's command console] It's not accepting commands of any kind. There must be some kind of a command code that needs to be entered.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Can you figure it out?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yes, well, the command codes used are quite simple like the number 1 or the letter A, like in Wraith, which would be ...
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Can you figure out the code or not?
Dr. Rodney McKay: No, not if I stood here and tried for a million years...
[looks at his wristwatch]
Dr. Rodney McKay: ... and we have just under a million years less than that.

Dr. Rodney McKay: You should be able to traverse the distance between here and the cruiser.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You mean *we*.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Um, yes, of course. We

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You're breathing too hard.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, forgive me for being aware of exactly how much pressure is being exerted on this suit right now.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Just think of it as a walk on the beach - a beach that's about to explode.
Dr. Rodney McKay: That's supposed to make me feel better?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: No, it's supposed to make you walk faster. We're on the clock here.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Hey, that took too long.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yeah, well, I probably won't be able to disarm the self-destruct in time anyway, so we're really not in a rush.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Why don't we find it first, and *then* you can be negative?
Dr. Rodney McKay: The ship is remarkably preserved.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You'd think after ten thousand years, she'd want to redecorate.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I'm serious. The hull damage is minimal. They probably just lost their main drive.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You're saying this thing is salvageable?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Hmm, I'd have to assess damage to primary systems but it's not completely out of the question. Of course, you'd probably just go and blow it up or slam it into a hive ship or something, and all that work'd be for nothing.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Tick, tick, tick.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Well, you're a hell of a swimmer, I'll give you that.
Wraith Queen: You have restored power?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: It'll fly.
Wraith Queen: [the Queen disables the self-destruct device] You shall be rewarded... with a quick death.
Dr. Rodney McKay: [Rodney appears and shoots the Queen] She's not dying according to plan here!
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [John shoots her and the Queen falls onto the ground. John meets Rodney] I thought you'd forgotten about me!
Dr. Rodney McKay: Of course not! I just had to wait for her to disable the device. Hey, just be thankful she didn't feed on you before she entered the command code.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Oh, *that's* why you didn't wanna be bait!
Dr. Rodney McKay: No-no-no-no. *You* had to be bait because she was expecting you to be the one trying to fly the ship.
Dr. Rodney McKay: [Rodney looks at the Queen, who is lying on the floor] She *is* dead, right?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Let's get outta here.

"Stargate: Atlantis: Underground (#1.7)" (2004)
Dr. Rodney McKay: Maybe we should offer a sense of humour in trade.
Maj. John Sheppard: Sure. They can have yours.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, Major. My side. You slay me.

Dr. Rodney McKay: You do realise that long term exposure to these levels of radiation is extremely dangerous?
Cowen: Our scientists tell me otherwise.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, they're wrong.
Maj. John Sheppard: [nervously, to Rodney] Are we in danger now?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, it would take days or weeks at these levels of radiation, but I assume the Genii spend days or weeks down here?
Cowen: Many of our people have spent their entire lives here.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Their entire short lives.
[to John]
Dr. Rodney McKay: We'll be fine, just as long as you weren't planning on having children.

Dr. Rodney McKay: What is it you said they grow here anyway?
Teyla Emmagan: Many things, but they are best known for a bean known as Tava.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Java?
Maj. John Sheppard: Ta-va!

Maj. John Sheppard: You know how to make an A bomb?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Major, most of my high school chess team could design an A bomb.

Maj. John Sheppard: We have something they need and they have something we need. I thought that's what negotiating was all about.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Oh, well it is. Personally I stop short of offering nuclear weapons.

"Stargate: Atlantis: The Game (#3.15)" (2006)
Dr. Rodney McKay: Let me ask you a question. Say there's a runaway train. It's hurtling out of control towards ten people standing in the middle of the tracks. The only way to save those people is to flip a switch - send the train down another set of tracks. The only problem is there is a baby in the middle of those tracks.
Teyla Emmagan: Why would anyone leave a baby in harm's way like that?
Dr. Rodney McKay: I don't know. That's not the point. Look, it's an ethical dilemma. Look, Katie Brown brought it up over dinner the other night. The question is: is it appropriate to divert the train and kill the one baby to save the ten people?
Ronon Dex: Wouldn't the people just see the train coming and move?
Dr. Rodney McKay: No. No, they wouldn't see it.
Ronon Dex: Why not?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well... Look, I dunno. Say they're blind.
Teyla Emmagan: *All* of them?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yes, all of them.
Ronon Dex: Then why don't you just call out and tell them to move out of the way?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, because they can't hear you.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: What, they're deaf too?
[Rodney throws him a look]
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: How fast is the train going?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Look, the speed doesn't matter!
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Well, sure it does. If it's goin' slow enough, you could outrun it and shove everyone to the side.
Ronon Dex: Or better yet, go get the baby.
Dr. Rodney McKay: For God's sake! I was just trying to...

Dr. Elizabeth Weir: How the hell did your face get on that flag?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Uh, I don't know. Here's the thing, though: that flag's very similar to the one I designed in our game.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: It's *exactly* like the one you designed in our game.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: What game?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: The game Rodney and I have been playing.
Dr. Rodney McKay: We didn't tell you about the game?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: We've been playing for a while now.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yeah, off and on in our spare time, you know - at night, between missions, uh... I could have sworn we told you about it?

Dr. Rodney McKay: Hey, don't start. I tried to negotiate with you.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Making a list of demands and not giving anything in return is not negotiating.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I offered you an entire crop of beans.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I don't need beans. I need lumber.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, right - to build defensive fortifications for your army, which he doubled in size, by the way. Surprise, surprise.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I only did that after you started cheating.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I did *not* cheat.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: He's giving his people *way* too much technology for their level of development. I'm not the only one increasing my army, by the way.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I had to do something to protect the people of Geldar from you.
Ronon Dex: Geldar?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: The name of Rodney's country. He named it after a girl he stalked in college.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I did *not* stalk her. We dated twice. Teresa Geldar - a very cute blonde. I always used to think her name reminded me of some kind of a mythological land: the Kingdom of Geldar.
Teyla Emmagan: [to Sheppard] What did you call *your* country?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Well, I just kept the name it already had.

Dr. Rodney McKay: Don't worry about it. They'll work it out. Look, we just happened to catch them at a particularly bad time. Sheppard's guy's been doing a lot of aggressive posturing of late.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: The only aggression is coming from the people of Gelding.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Geldar.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Whatever.
[to Elizabeth]
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: His people are digging a mine across the border into Hallona.
Dr. Rodney McKay: The coal resources straddle the border between my country and his.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Barely! They go three miles into my country - which your people are happily tunnelling into.
Dr. Rodney McKay: It has been a point of contention between us, OK, but it is just a difference in cartographic interpretation. Tomayto. Tomahto.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: No, no, it's pretty clear cut. *You* entered illegally into *my* country.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Gentlemen.
Dr. Rodney McKay: [to John] You gave me no choice! You refused to negotiate!
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You mean give in.
Dr. Rodney McKay: What do you care anyway? It's not like your people were gonna use the coal!
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Oh, yeah, that's right. You need it to power your medieval steam engines.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: These are not your lands. This game is over, so you'd better set aside your differences, because if the two of you can't figure out how to forge a truce, how the hell are these people going to?

"Stargate: Atlantis: The Defiant One (#1.11)" (2004)
Dr. Rodney McKay: Major!
Major John Sheppard: McKay!
Dr. Rodney McKay: What do I do now?
Major John Sheppard: Keep firing everything you've got!

Major John Sheppard: Thanks.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yeah, you too. You OK?
Major John Sheppard: Other than this and a few cracked ribs. What about Gall?
Dr. Rodney McKay: No.
Major John Sheppard: We'll have to put the ship back together, provided you can disarm the shield.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Fine. As long as we get to go home.
Major John Sheppard: You can drive.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, thank you!

Dr. Rodney McKay: Major, what the hell was that?
Major John Sheppard: I almost blew myself up!
Dr. Rodney McKay: What?
Major John Sheppard: Stay off the radio, I'm busy!

Major John Sheppard: Son of a bitch beat me to it. He's fast.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Then you should get back here.
Major John Sheppard: Negative.
Dr. Rodney McKay: There's no point being out there...
Major John Sheppard: He's aboard my ship.
Dr. Rodney McKay: What are you, Captain Kirk?

"Stargate: Atlantis: Coup D'etat (#2.17)" (2006)
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Do I make you nervous?
Ladon Radim: Not at all, Major. I'm just not interested in talking to the errand boy.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: That's Lieutenant Colonel Errand Boy to you.

Dr. Rodney McKay: You know, I'm not sure that you've sufficiently trained me in actual combat. I-I-I don't know how much use I'd be in a fight-our-way-out kind of scenario.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Well, I look at it this way: the Genii have tried to kidnap you on numerous occasions to mine that big old brain of yours.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yes.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Well, if we get into trouble, I'll just trade your life for mine.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, funny.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Don't worry: if you survive, I'll mount some sort of rescue mission... eventually.

Dr. Rodney McKay: What the hell happened?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: We got gassed.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Are we in some sort of trouble?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Was it the gas or the prison cell that was your first clue?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Beckett's the best doctor in two galaxies.

"Stargate: Atlantis: Condemned (#2.5)" (2005)
Teyla Emmagan: Do you kill all your violent criminals on Earth?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Certain countries, yes.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Do we need to get into this right now?

Ronon Dex: [after Sheppard, Teyla, Rodney, and Ronon are held captive, Ronon is trying to get out of his hand restraints] I think they're loosening.
Maj. John Sheppard: Take it easy, Chewie - You're gonna cut your damn hands off!

Maj. John Sheppard: How much time do you need to rework the D.H.D.?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, in a perfect world, two days.
Maj. John Sheppard: Rodney!
Dr. Rodney McKay: Right now - ten minutes, give or take.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Leave it to convicts to know the best way to tie people up.
Ronon Dex: Well, eventually I will get free and when I do, he's gonna pay for this.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Now listen to me. When you get free, you get us free and we all get out of here. Let 'em find out we're gone after we're gone.
Ronon Dex: You're expecting me to let them get away with this?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: The operative words are "get away".
Ronon Dex: After I kill them!
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: That type of thinking will get us killed.
Ronon Dex: Well, if you had returned fire...
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: The weapons systems were damaged.
Ronon Dex: If you say so.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I do say so, and right now I'm saying knock it off.
Ronon Dex: Is that an order, Sheppard?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I am beat up, tied up, and couldn't order a pizza right now if I wanted to. But if you need it to be, yeah it's an order.

"Stargate: Atlantis: The Hive (#2.11)" (2005)
Maj. John Sheppard: How many of those
[knives]
Maj. John Sheppard: have you got?
Ronon Dex: How many do you need?

Neera: The Wraith will not allow us to escape.
Maj. John Sheppard: Yeah, well, I try not to let them tell me what I can and can't do.
Neera: [surprised] You do not fear them?
Maj. John Sheppard: The Wraith? Naah. Now clowns - that's another story. Scare the crap out of me.

Neera: You have fought the Wraith before?
Maj. John Sheppard: Lots of times. Won some battles, lost some. War's not over by a long shot, but we're managing to hold our own.
Neera: And the clowns?
Maj. John Sheppard: The clowns? Oh, yeah, the clowns... we fight them too. Entire armies, spilling out of Volkswagens. We do our best to fight them off, but they keep sending 'em in.

Neera: What is it like, your world?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: It's nice. Comfortable, good climate.
Neera: Tell me what it looks like.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Like every other world, I suppose. Trees, water, mountains, Starbucks on every corner.

"Stargate: Atlantis: Poisoning the Well (#1.6)" (2004)
Carson Beckett M. D.: It's not that I mind lending people a hand...
Maj. John Sheppard: No, of course not.
Dr. Rodney McKay: You're a generous man, Carson.
Carson Beckett M. D.: But it's the principle of the thing, isn't it? You can't go volunteering someone for something without consulting them first. That's not even volunteering, is it? It's being pressed into service. Not to mention the fact I'm not...
Maj. John Sheppard: ...military and I can't give you orders. I know.
Dr. Rodney McKay: No, he just doesn't like going through the Stargate.
Maj. John Sheppard: He's worse than Dr McCoy.
Teyla Emmagan: Who?
Maj. John Sheppard: The TV character that Dr Beckett plays in real life.

Maj. John Sheppard: Wonder what hurts more, the gunshot wound or the hunger? I'd love to help out but, how'd McKay put it?
[pause]
Maj. John Sheppard: We can't meet your dietary requirements.
Wraith Warrior: When I'm free, you'll be the first that i feed upon.
Maj. John Sheppard: Okey dokey. I'm gonna go make myself a sandwich.

Maj. John Sheppard: Sorry if I woke you. Just came by to see if there's anything you needed. Magazine, fresh towels.
Wraith Warrior: You hide your fear poorly, major.
Maj. John Sheppard: You know, we've been having these conversations for a couple of weeks now, and I don't even know your name. You guys do have names right? Let me guess... Steve?
Wraith Warrior: I am your death. That is all you need to know.
Maj. John Sheppard: I prefer Steve.
Wraith Warrior: What do you hope to gain from this?
Maj. John Sheppard: Just trying to bridge the gap between our two cultures, get to know you better. That and try to figure out how to keep your kind from sucking the life out of millions of innocent people!

"Stargate: Atlantis: Duet (#2.4)" (2005)
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Lieutenant, way to survive what I think may be my worst nightmare.
Lt. Laura Cadman: Thank you, sir!
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yes, thank you!
[John smiles at Rodney sarcastically]

[after two white mice are burnt to black crisps during a test]
Maj. John Sheppard: I'm no scientist, but those mice used to be a different color.

Dr. Rodney McKay: I'm not crazy, I just have another consciousness in my brain.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: So he just looks crazy.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I'm sure I do but only because Dr Fumbles McStupid over here was in way of his head!
Dr. Radek Zelenka: Yes, yes. I made a mistake trying to save your life! Now, do you want try to fix it or do you want to continue to berate me some more?
Dr. Rodney McKay: I am perfectly capable of doing both at the same time!

"Stargate: Atlantis: Before I Sleep (#1.14)" (2004)
Lt. Aiden Ford: Is time travel even possible?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, according to Einstein's general theory of relativity there's nothing in the laws of physics to prevent it. Extremely difficult to achieve, mind you. You need the technology to manipulate black holes to create wormholes not only through points in space, but time.
Major John Sheppard: Not to mention a really nice DeLorean.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Don't even get me started on that movie.
Major John Sheppard: I like that movie.

Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, it's obvious. The puddle jumper that they escaped in must have been some sort of a time machine. Had to have an additional component.
Major John Sheppard: Flux capacitor.
Dr. Rodney McKay: [short pause] Yeah.

Teyla Emmagan: Some sort of laboratory.
Dr. Rodney McKay: We've come across dozens of those, the city's full of them. Something unusual about it?
Major John Sheppard: [finds someone in suspended animation] I'd have to say... yes.

"Stargate: Atlantis: Sunday (#3.17)" (2007)
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Are you datin' anyone?
Ronon Dex: You mean like a woman?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Or a man.

Ronon Dex: [Asking Sheppard about golf] So that's the sport, you just hit a little ball as far as you can?
Maj. John Sheppard: First, it's a game and no, it's a little more complicated than that. See there are 18 holes all made of varying length and dimensions. First goal is to hit the ball through a series of water and sand hazards 'till you land on the green, then you putt the ball into the hole.
Ronon Dex: [Looking at the ocean] So this is a water hazard.

Carson Beckett M. D.: Rodney and I are heading to the mainland to catch a fish that seems to be just like a trout. Care to join us? Sport of kings.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I thought horse racing was the sport of kings?
Carson Beckett M. D.: For the boring kings, maybe.

"Stargate: Atlantis: First Strike (#3.20)" (2007)
Ronon Dex: I need to learn some science.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: What for?
Ronon Dex: I'm not all that useful in situations like these. If we get into a fight, or we need to break out of somewhere, you know, kill someone, I'm your man, but a laser attacking the city's shield - I don't know where to chip in.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Well, that's why we're a team, like the Fantastic Four.
[Ronon and Teyla stare at him]
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: It's a comic book where superheroes fight crime and stuff. See, I'd be Mr Fantastic, Ronon would be The Thing, McKay would be the Human Torch...
[John looks at Teyla]
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You'd be the Invisible Woman.
Teyla Emmagan: I am not invisible.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: No. No, and McKay's not a human torch.
Teyla Emmagan: Well, how come *you* get to be Mr Fantastic?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Because he was the leader and I'm the...
[pause]
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I'm just saying that *they* were a cool team and *we're* a cool team and they use their strengths to, you know...
[another pause]
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I'm gonna go check on McKay.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Well, I guess it's showtime.
Dr. Rodney McKay: You sure you can do this?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Fly the city?
Dr. Rodney McKay: What else could I possibly be talking about?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I flew a V22 Osprey once.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Was it as big as a city?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Well, you had to use your hands and feet with that one. This one, you just have to sit down and think... Fly.
Dr. Rodney McKay: OK, why don't you just get in the Chair and start your pre-flight?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [McKay and Zelenka are staring at their computers in silence] Should't you guys be bickering or something?
Dr. Rodney McKay: We've got nothing to bicker about. He's run out of bad ideas... finally.

"Stargate SG-1: The Pegasus Project (#10.3)" (2006)
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: If he speaks again, I'll shoot him.
[Sam mouths 'Thank you']
Dr. Daniel Jackson: But to answer your question, we are introducing another stargate into the equation. Teal'c should have it in position right now.
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: If we can make a connection between that gate, and one from the Pegasus galaxy...
Dr. Rodney McKay: You're gonna try and make a jump.
[to John]
Dr. Rodney McKay: Don't shoot me. You know I can't help myself.

Elizabeth Weir: John, do you think you could spare Rodney from your team?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Hell... you can keep him.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Listen, if McKay gives you a hard time, just...
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Shoot him.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Also, he's mortally allergic to citrus.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Really?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [pulls out a lemon] I keep one with me at all times. It's just a comfort to know... it's there.
[tosses it to Cameron]
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: That's good intel, thanks.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Yeah.
Dr. Rodney McKay: [laughs] That's a - that's a - that's a good one. We're actually, uh, we're-we're quite close.

"Stargate: Atlantis: Quarantine (#4.13)" (2008)
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: We could be here a while.
[looks at a pregnant Teyla]
Teyla Emmagan: What?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: It's just every time one of these things happen in the movies the pregnant woman goes into labor.
Teyla Emmagan: I'm still long way from my due day.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: That's the same thing in the movies and then wham!

Teyla Emmagan: Can anyone do it?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: They'd have to know Rodney's password. Fortunately I do.
Teyla Emmagan: He told you his password?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: He didn't think I'd remember it. 16431879196842. See, didn't take a genius.
Teyla Emmagan: I-it doesnt...
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: 1643 is the year Isaac Newton was born, 1879 Einstein and 1968...
Teyla Emmagan: ...the year Rodney was born.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Never underestimate the size of that man's ego.
Teyla Emmagan: Wait, weren't there other numbers?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: 42
Teyla Emmagan: What is that?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: It's the ultimate answer to the great question of life, the universe and everything.

Teyla Emmagan: Climb the tower? Is that even possible?
Maj. John Sheppard: Sure, Batman did it all the time. Piece of cake.

"Stargate: Atlantis: Allies (#2.20)" (2006)
Dr. Rodney McKay: Getting this ship up and running in under a month is a miracle.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Do we start the beatification now or later?

Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Rodney, if the hive opens up on us, I want Orion's drones.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Which means we're gonna need the hyperdrive to get in position.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Which means we'll need shields, which means you want everything!
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I like everything. Can we do it or not?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, don't get up. Shields... yes. Jump to position... mmmmaybe. Release the drones... probably not.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Well, it's pointless to get in position if we can't fire.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Y'know, let's talk about it for a really long time. That'll help for sure.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: How's it coming?
Dr. Radek Zelenka: It's phenomenal. It's like being handed a Wraith encyclopedia. It's hard to know where to start.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: When I was a kid and I got my first encyclopaedia, I started with the letter S.
Dr. Radek Zelenka: Yes, well, I'm sure that Wraith sexuality is interesting.

"Stargate: Atlantis: The Return: Part 2 (#3.11)" (2006)
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [after blowing up the control room] That went well.

Major General Jack O'Neill: Please, don't be offended as I express my surprise that Landry would send you on a mission like this.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Well, sir, General Landry didn't sanction this mission.
Major General Jack O'Neill: So, am I to assume you are not surrounded by heavily armed SG teams and young strapping marines?
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: You've got Colonel Sheppard, Ronon, Teyla, McKay, myself and Dr Beckett.
Major General Jack O'Neill: Ooh! Dr Beckett, is it? Well, I'm comforted.
Dr. Carson Beckett: What's that supposed to mean?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: We've got a plan, sir. A good one.
Major General Jack O'Neill: Yes, Colonel, I'm sure you do. But in the unlikely event you don't fail miserably, you're fired.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Yes, sir. Look forward to that.

"Stargate: Atlantis: The Tower (#2.15)" (2005)
Dr. Rodney McKay: If we're hoping these people have something to trade, we are wasting our time. From the looks of it, they barely have enough food to feed themselves; and their technology...
[showing a scythe]
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, let's just say that this about sums it up, huh?
Teyla Emmagan: Establishing good relations with our neighbours is not just about trade.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Right, but do we need to make friends with every primitive agrarian society in the Pegasus galaxy?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Alright, that's enough. They can't all be planets with cool technology and open-minded women.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I don't see why not!

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: We got the drones, we got a few Jumpers. I even got the girl.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: You got the girl?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Well, I mean I could have got the girl. I turned her down.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: What did you offer them in return for the drones and the Jumpers?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: A supply of medicines and an IDC if they need to reach us. We also offered to help them come up with a new way of running things when the time comes.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: They didn't offer you King?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I turned that down too.

"Stargate: Atlantis: The Gift (#1.17)" (2005)
Major John Sheppard: You're saying Teyla's part-Wraith?
Dr. Carson Beckett: A very small part.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Which makes her about as different from us as you, because of the Ancient gene you possess.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, and some other things!

Teyla Emmagan: That is why they are coming here. They know that Atlantis is the only way to get to a new, rich, feeding ground.
Major John Sheppard: Earth.

"Stargate: Atlantis: Search and Rescue (#5.1)" (2008)
[right before Sheppard is about to go into surgery]
Dr. Jennifer Keller: Ready?
Maj. John Sheppard: Ready! From what I understand, I don't actually have to do anything
Dr. Jennifer Keller: Well, that's right, you just have to lie still and, let me play with your insides.
[she laughs, but everone else just stares at her]
Dr. Jennifer Keller: ...Sorry

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I'm gonna stop making fun of combat engineers as of today, I promise. Harris up there with you?
Muffled voice: Yes, he's here. Don't worry, we'll have you out soon.
Ronon Dex: I thought Harris was on leave until next month.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [Sheppard nods] If we get out of here, beer's on me, boys. What do you like, uh, Duff Beer or Oprah Ale?
Muffled voice: Duff.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Well, they don't watch The Simpsons or drink beer.

"Stargate: Atlantis: Irresponsible (#3.13)" (2006)
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: My childhood hero was Evel Knievel.
Teyla Emmagan: Was he not evil?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: No, it was just his name. He was a daredevil - which isn't kind of a devil. He just jumped motorcycles over things.
Ronon Dex: Why?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Just because. Didn't always make it either.
Teyla Emmagan: And you greatly admired this behaviour?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: No, I just - look at least my hero is human. McKay's is Batman.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Hmm. Misunderstood and unappreciated by many, because his most formidable weapon was the power of his brilliant mind. Not just a hero - a superhero.

Dr. Carson Beckett: Nobody gets hurt. That's my vote, and my heartfelt recommendation.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You want to hide.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, we could call it strategic concealment.

"Stargate: Atlantis: The Real World (#3.6)" (2006)
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Do you think she's aware we're here?
Dr. Rodney McKay: How can she be? She's unconscious.
Dr. Carson Beckett: You may be right. You could try talking to her. Tell her to keep fighting.
Dr. Rodney McKay: And that will help exactly how?
Dr. Carson Beckett: In a coma, one's sense of hearing is the last thing to go and the first thing to return. There are many cases where patients were actually able to hear others talking to them in their rooms.
Dr. Rodney McKay: And were these comas also caused by nanites invading people's bodies? Hmm?

Dr. Rodney McKay: What?
Dr. Carson Beckett: What?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, it's that look. That's the same look I get when I have a brilliant idea.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: How would you know how you looked?
Dr. Rodney McKay: 'Cause it's happened more than once in front of a mirror, okay?

"Stargate: Atlantis: Miller's Crossing (#4.9)" (2007)
Dr. Rodney McKay: Say, you and I are about even when it comes to looks, right?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Who's been lying to you?
Dr. Rodney McKay: No, I'm serious.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I am, too. Who's been lying to you?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Where're you going?
Ronon Dex: To get some food.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Well, in case you forgot, McKay and his sister are still missing.
Ronon Dex: What, you want my help dissecting corporate structures? When you find someone to point a gun at, you let me know.

"Stargate: Atlantis: Conversion (#2.8)" (2005)
Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.: How are you?
Maj. John Sheppard: My body's mutating into a bug. How are you?

Maj. John Sheppard: Did Ronon shoot me?
Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.: You had it coming.

"Stargate: Atlantis: Home (#1.8)" (2004)
Dr. Rodney McKay: We're talking about a lot of energy here.
Maj. John Sheppard: How much is a lot?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well in terms of joules or ergs?
Maj. John Sheppard: In terms of... lots.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Lots... and lots.

Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.: War and Peace. Mmm some heavy reading.
Maj. John Sheppard: Yeah. Well back on Earth when i was getting ready for this mission I realized there was a good chance I might be here for a while so i figured 'why not bring along a book that takes a while to read.'
Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.: Page 17.
Maj. John Sheppard: I'm right on schedule.

"Stargate: Atlantis: Be All My Sins Remember'd (#4.11)" (2008)
Colonel Steven Caldwell: [Colonels of both earth ships beam into the control room of atlantis. To Ellis] Colonel.
Colonel Abe Ellis: [to Caldwell] Colonel.
Colonel Steven Caldwell: [to Samantha] Colonel.
Colonel Samantha Carter: [to both] Colonels.
Colonel Abe Ellis: [to Sheppard] Colonel.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [to both] Colonels.
Dr. Rodney McKay: What, seriously?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [repeating Rodney] A, Superdence... blob. That's your great idea.

"Stargate: Atlantis: This Mortal Coil (#4.10)" (2007)
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Do we know what the problem is?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yeah, the Gate's not working.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I think we figured that much last week when you broke it.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Last time I came face to face with myself, I ended up kicking my own ass.

"Stargate: Atlantis: Doppelganger (#4.4)" (2007)
Ronon Dex: [Ronon is hacking through a jungle] What are we doing?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Exploring the Pegasus galaxy. It's what we do.
Ronon Dex: You know what I mean.
Teyla Emmagan: There certainly doesn't appear to be anything here that would help in our fight against the Wraith or the Replicators.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Come on, you guys kill me. Planets are huge, you know!
Ronon Dex: Yeah, and usually you're the one complaining.
Teyla Emmagan: Yes, this enthusiasm is most unlike you, Rodney.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I'm turning over a new leaf.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: We did the standard flyover in the Jumper, scanning for life signs. Nothing.
Dr. Rodney McKay: You can't fly around for ten minutes and decide there's nothing here.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Yes I can!

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Looks like ones of those toys you played with as a kid.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Commodore 64?
Ronon Dex: Triple-barrel shotgun?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: A kaleidoscope.

"Stargate: Atlantis: Suspicion (#1.4)" (2004)
Teyla Emmagan: You suspect an athosian?
Maj. John Sheppard: Dr. Weir wants to meet them that's all, it's not personal. Well I mean it is, in the sense that she wants to meet them all personal.

Maj. John Sheppard: Well? Good stuff?
Side Character: I can't begin to tell you how fascinating this is.
Maj. John Sheppard: Anthropologist fascinating or actual fascinating?
Side Character: Yeah, well maybe fascinating's not the right word.
Maj. John Sheppard: Maybe not.

"Stargate: Atlantis: Grace Under Pressure (#2.14)" (2005)
Dr. Rodney McKay: [to the sea monster] Oh, see, pal. Sorry you don't get to eat me today.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: He's the reason we found you.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Really?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Almost thought we lost you.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I knew you'd think of something... subconsciously, at least.

Dr. Radek Zelenka: [Cursing in Czech] Do prdele, to je na hovno tohle to. Kdo to vymyslel, ze budeme pod vodou tentokrat?
[Translation: Fuck you, this sucks. We're going under water this time, whose idea was that?]
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I think my Czech's getting better, 'cause I know what you mean.

"Stargate: Atlantis: Sanctuary (#1.13)" (2004)
Dr. Rodney McKay: Word of caution? The whole Captain Kirk routine is problematic to say the least, let alone morally dubious.
Major John Sheppard: What routine?
Dr. Rodney McKay: The romancing of the alien priestess? It's very 1967 of you. Actually, I'm surprised...
Major John Sheppard: [interrupting Rodney] If and when anything I do becomes your business...
Dr. Rodney McKay: It becomes my business, Major, when an alien woman who is clearly not who she claims to be has the ranking military officer wrapped around her little finger!
Major John Sheppard: Don't go there, McKay.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I'm sorry - I know I'm not normally Mr Sensitive, but you gotta believe me when I say there is something about her. I know it's intangible but I can feel it.
Major John Sheppard: I said don't go there!
Dr. Rodney McKay: It's just a matter of time before I prove it, Major. I'm just recommending that in the meantime you keep your...
[Chaya Sar appears and he shuts up]

Chaya Sar: I am what you call an Ancient and it is also true that I can never offer your people sanctuary. But you are wrong about as to why I came here.
Major John Sheppard: Why did you come here?
Chaya Sar: You, John.
Major John Sheppard: Me?
Chaya Sar: I have lived in solitude for so long that when you asked me to come to Atlantis, I...
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh my god, he is Kirk!

"Stargate: Atlantis: The Intruder (#2.2)" (2005)
Dr. Rodney McKay: You know, I've never actually been inside one of these before today. It's a little, uh, cramped, huh?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Just relax, Rodney. We're safe... for the moment.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Great. Quick question, though, just out of curiosity: how much, uh, air do these things carry?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Lots.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Uh, I'm just saying, because if this doesn't work, we'll have to go over the whole plan and who knows how long we could get stuck in here, and, and, so it-it-it would...
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You know what, Rodney? You're exactly right. It's a limited supply, so why don't we conserve it by you not talking? At all.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: He's making a break for the coronasphere.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Would it be good to mention that we have less protection in this ship than we did on the Daedalus?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Not really.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I don't think so.

"Stargate: Atlantis: The Queen (#5.8)" (2008)
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Fruit bowl. Nice touch.
Todd the Wraith: We picked them up on our travels. I thought it would make our discussions more comfortable. I hope they prove as delicious as the farmers who grew them.

"Stargate: Atlantis: Critical Mass (#2.13)" (2005)
Dr. Rodney McKay: Elizabeth is including intel about infighting amongst the Wraith in today's status report.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Let's hope that trend continues. If they keep fighting like this, I'd be able to take a weekend off.

"Stargate: Atlantis: The Prodigal (#5.14)" (2008)
Dr. Rodney McKay: That's Atlantis' self destruct. Michael's gonna blow up the city.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: How much time do we have?
Dr. Rodney McKay: He set it for 10 minutes.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: How much time do you need before you get those drones working?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, if I can get them working at all, a lot more than 10 minutes.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: All right, forget about it.
Dr. Rodney McKay: What are you doing?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I'm flying the Jumper. I'm crashing it into the tower.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Crash it?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Look, it is our best chance of taking out Michael's Jumper.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Not to mention taking out yourself!
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I have crashed Jumpers into the tower before!

"Stargate: Atlantis: Sateda (#3.4)" (2006)
Dr. Rodney McKay: What the hell is going on down there?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Ronon thinks he can get the head Wraith responsible for all this to come down and fight him if we kill all these Wraith first.
Dr. Rodney McKay: That is the stupidest plan I have ever heard.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I don't know. Killing a bunch of Wraith always seems like a good idea to me.
Dr. Rodney McKay: They outnumber you 25 to 3.
Dr. Carson Beckett: It's actually 22 to 3... 21...
Teyla Emmagan: And Ronon appears to be quite angry.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, that evens it out.

"Stargate: Atlantis: The Brotherhood (#1.15)" (2005)
Maj. John Sheppard: [the team are being forced to try to solve a puzzle one after another and an incorrect answer kills the one solving it] Two heads think better than one.
Dr. Rodney McKay: That's a common misconception.
Maj. John Sheppard: Give me a gun and I'll shoot him myself.

"Stargate: Atlantis: The Seed (#5.2)" (2008)
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: How's Ronon?
Richard Woolsey: He has a bruised larynx. Apparently he won't be able to speak for several days.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Wonder if anyone will notice the difference?

"Stargate: Atlantis: Vengeance (#3.19)" (2007)
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [after an explosion] Everyone OK?
Teyla Emmagan: Yes.
Ronon Dex: I'm good.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I think you singed my eyebrows! D'you think you used enough dynamite there, Butch?

"Stargate: Atlantis: Vegas (#5.19)" (2008)
Dr. Rodney McKay: Thank you for your co-operation, Detective. If you think of anything else...
[hands him a card]
Dr. Rodney McKay: ... call me at this number.
Detective John Sheppard: If he's not finished yet, why'd he stop hiding the bodies?
Dr. Rodney McKay: I don't know. Over-confidence that he can't be caught?
Detective John Sheppard: He left money behind.
Dr. Rodney McKay: How much?
Detective John Sheppard: A few thousand.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Not enough to worry about, I guess.
Detective John Sheppard: That's it? You're just gonna let me go?
Dr. Rodney McKay: That field medic - the one you defied orders to go back and try and rescue. You knew her personally. You were... involved.
Detective John Sheppard: Yeah, you know everything.
Dr. Rodney McKay: It was a hard choice. Certainly you didn't intend things to go as badly as they did. Things just don't always go the way we plan. We know where to find you.
[Sheppard turns and starts to walk towards the car]
Dr. Rodney McKay: Detective.
[Sheppard stops and turns back as McKay approaches him again]
Dr. Rodney McKay: Remember when I told you I once met another version of you?
Detective John Sheppard: Yeah.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I know you'll probably think this sounds ridiculous, but a little while ago we accidentally opened a rift in space/time - went through to an alternate version of reality. It was very similar to ours in many ways. We met a team much like the one I work with, only you were the leader. You were a hero, saved the world several times over.
Detective John Sheppard: [smiling bitterly] Doesn't sound much like me.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I don't think there's much difference between you and that other John Sheppard I met. It's amazing how one incident can entirely alter the course of your life. Still, I like to believe you have the same strength of character. That's why I told you the truth.
[turns and starts to walk away. Sheppard calls after him]
Detective John Sheppard: What do you want me to say?
Dr. Rodney McKay: [over his shoulder] For now, nothing.

"Stargate: Atlantis: Harmony (#4.14)" (2008)
Dr. Rodney McKay: You gonna eat your power bar?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Yes, Rodney. Told you, shouldn't have eaten yours so early in the day.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I'm starving! Usually Flora feeds us some sort of food when we visit. Come on, you hardly ever eat yours.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: No, Rodney!
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, will you give it to me later when you decide you're not gonna eat it?
Harmony: You allow him to question you so incessantly?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I guess I'm just used to it by now.
Harmony: Would it not be easier to beat him?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: We don't beat people where we come from.
Harmony: Why not?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Well, we find it's not very effective in the long run... unfortunately.

"Stargate: Atlantis: Childhood's End (#1.5)" (2004)
[the sensors have discovered a powerful energy field]
Major John Sheppard: Do you think it's worth checking out?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Any significant energy emission generally indicates technological civilisation.
Major John Sheppard: So... you think it's worth checking out?
Dr. Rodney McKay: [sarcastically] I'm sorry. Yes. Energy field good.

"Stargate: Atlantis: Adrift (#4.1)" (2007)
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [responding to Rodney's watered-down explanation of the city's power situation] You dumb this down any more, you're gonna get hit.

"Stargate: Atlantis: The Last Man (#4.20)" (2008)
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You're telling me I just travelled 48,000 years into the future in ten seconds?
Dr. Rodney McKay: I know. It's kind of cool when you think about it, isn't it?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Surfing a thirty foot wave in Waimei is cool. Dating a supermodel is cool. This is not cool!

"Stargate: Atlantis: Aurora (#2.9)" (2005)
[Sheppard and McKay whisper while spying on a Wraith in disguise]
Maj. John Sheppard: That's her!
Dr. Rodney McKay: That's the Wraith?
Maj. John Sheppard: Yeah.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Wow... She's hot! I mean seriously hot!
Maj. John Sheppard: Rodney, you're drooling over a Wraith!
Dr. Rodney McKay: I know, I... disgust myself sometimes.

"Stargate: Atlantis: Infection (#5.17)" (2008)
Dr. Jennifer Keller: The disease is in the ship?
Todd the Wraith: It is the only explanation that makes sense.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: All right, if you say so.
Dr. Jennifer Keller: How is that even possible?
Todd the Wraith: During the process of hibernation, there is a continuous exchange of fluid between Wraith and Hive.The disease must have been transmitted in this manner.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Great, so we're flyin' around in a giant tumour.

"Stargate: Atlantis: The Storm (#1.9)" (2004)
Maj. John Sheppard: McKay will come up with something.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I will try, but despite what you all may think, I am not Superman.
[Sheppard looks around]
Maj. John Sheppard: Was anyone seriously thinking that?
[Weir, Teyla and the other scientist shake their heads 'No']
Lt. Aiden Ford, USMC: No sir.
Dr. Zelenka: Never.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Fine.

"Stargate: Atlantis: The Long Goodbye (#2.16)" (2006)
Ronon Dex: So people just sit and watch this box for hours at a time?
Maj. John Sheppard: Yeah, people do.
Teyla Emmagan: Is it that engaging?
Maj. John Sheppard: Depends what's on it. There are lots of programs on dozens of channels, every day, all day.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Most of which are fictional representations of ridiculously attractive people in absurd situations
Maj. John Sheppard: There are educational programmes, all sorts of documentaries. Not many people watch 'em but, uh, well, they're on.
Ronon Dex: And that's what everybody on your planet does for entertainment? Watch a box?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Not everyone -- although I will confess to the occasional half hour of 'Jeopardy'.
Ronon Dex: Jeopardy?
Dr. Rodney McKay: It's the name of the show -- 'Jeopardy'.
Ronon Dex: Sounds dangerous.
Maj. John Sheppard: Double Jeopardy -- that's twice as dangerous

"Stargate: Atlantis: Runner (#2.3)" (2005)
Maj. John Sheppard: It almost smells like I'm on vacation.
Dr. Rodney McKay: [putting on sunscreen lotion] Could it be the simulated tropical aroma of cocoa butter?
Maj. John Sheppard: Strong enough for anyone within five miles to smell you.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Like they haven't been tipped off by the Aqua Velva.
Maj. John Sheppard: It's dark.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yeah, well the sun will be up in 2 hours, 43 minutes and... 10 seconds.
Maj. John Sheppard: It's raining.
Dr. Rodney McKay: So we'll be cold and miserable. Look, the cloud cover will depreciate a small percentage of UV rays but 95 per cent of deadly is still dearly.
Major Lorne: Dr Parrish said a day or two of exposure wasn't going to kill us.
Dr. Rodney McKay: And Dr Parrish has a PhD in what? Right, botany!

"Stargate: Atlantis: Reunion (#4.3)" (2007)
Ronon Dex: [after Sheppard sits down at his table and begins to eat] Teyla's already spoken to you, hasn't she.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Yeah, well, we had a little chat.
Ronon Dex: Hm. So let's hear it.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Hear what?
Ronon Dex: Whatever you've got to say.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Not gonna say anything.
Ronon Dex: Really.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I don't have to because you already know what I'm gonna tell ya. You're a valuable member of my team and that it would be difficult to find somebody to take your place.
Ronon Dex: Mm hm.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: And that you may think you're going back to find something you've lost, but there's nothing to go back to. Sateda's gone, and running around with your buddies isn't gonna bring that back.
[with a satisfied look, takes a bite of food]
Ronon Dex: [straight face] You're not gonna say any of that.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [shakes head, mouth full] Oh, I don't have to.
Ronon Dex: Look, this isn't about me trying to bring back the past.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [getting increasingly angrier as the conversation progresses] Well then what is it?
Ronon Dex: They need me. They always have. I'm the one that took care of them, got them home alive whenever we went into battle.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [staring at Ronan] You're one man, Ronan. You can't expect to protect them forever.
Ronon Dex: Probably not. But that's where you guys come in.
[pause, Sheppard looks interested]
Ronon Dex: We got some intel on a Wraith target.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [pauses, shifting position] The Wraith and the Replicators are kinda beatin' the crap out of each other right now; I think it's counterproductive to run an op against them.
Ronon Dex: I have a feeling you'll change your mind once you hear the details.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [small nod, picks up coffee] Let's hear it.
Ronon Dex: Not yet. I want Tyre, Ara, and Rackai in on this.
[Sheppard sighs]

"Stargate: Atlantis: The Kindred: Part 2 (#4.19)" (2008)
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I'm tired of getting shot at with our own guns.
Dr. Carson Beckett: I'm generally not fond of it regardless of the weapon.

"Stargate: Atlantis: Outsiders (#5.12)" (2008)
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Jervis taken care of?
Teyla Emmagan: He and his men have been locked up. They will not be giving us any more trouble though I do not think it was necessary to stun them.
Ronon Dex: Felt good, though.

"Stargate: Atlantis: Thirty Eight Minutes (#1.3)" (2004)
Dr. Rodney McKay: If you know of some way of manually retracting the mechanism...
Maj. John Sheppard: In the cockpit, on the left.
Dr. Rodney McKay: The cockpit is regrettably demolecularised at the moment.

 

Rodney McKay


"Stargate: Atlantis: Phantoms (#3.9)" (2006)
Dr. Carson Beckett: [about a decaying body] He's been dead for months.
Dr. Rodney McKay: No... really?

Dr. Carson Beckett: [looking over decaying body] He's been dead for months.
Dr. Rodney McKay: No, really?

Dr. Rodney McKay: I'm picking up that puzzling energy reading.
Dr. Carson Beckett: What is it?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Did I not just use the word "puzzling"?
Dr. Carson Beckett: Charming.

Dr. Carson Beckett: Do you suppose the Genii are responsible for the energy readings we're detecting?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Probably. It'd be just our luck we've stumbled on one of their nuclear testing sites.
Lt. Kagan: [worried] Nuclear testing site?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Just a small one.

Teyla Emmagan: [Ronon draws his gun] What is it?
Ronon Dex: I saw something.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, what? Person? Animal? How many syllables?

Ronon Dex: It's probably nothing.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Why am I not comforted?

Dr. Rodney McKay: [they come across two more dead Genii] Oh, for God's sake. Enough with the bodies.

Ronon Dex: A Wraith bunker, but no Wraith.
Teyla Emmagan: It appears to have been abandoned for some time.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: The Genii probably stumbled on to it just like we did.
Dr. Carson Beckett: And then promptly killed each other. Why?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Another Hardy Boys mystery.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: What is this?
Dr. Carson Beckett: It appears to be organic.
Dr. Rodney McKay: It's like the energy conduit aboard a Wraith ship... and every bit as disgusting.

Lt. Kagan: This frequency... can it hurt us?
Dr. Rodney McKay: It's doubtful, apart from the obvious sterility issues.
Lt. Kagan: Wh-What?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: He's kidding. You're kidding, right?
[Rodney makes a non-committal noise]

Dr. Rodney McKay: Can we stop for a second?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: No.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Look, I mean no disrespect, but this guy's heavy and ever since I was shot in the ass by an arrow, I've been prone to sciattica.
[beat]
Dr. Rodney McKay: No?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [They both look at destroyed DHD] Is there any other way to dial? And don't say no if there is *any* possibility, because I am not in the mood for your usual impossible heroics game.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I wouldn't do that!

Dr. Rodney McKay: Your pal, Major Looney Tunes, knew exactly where to set the charge.

Teyla Emmagan: I am trying to impress upon Dr. McKay that determining how to turn the thing off is more pressing than learning what it actually does.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You don't even know what it does?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, I can now state for certain that it is, in fact, a generator.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: We already knew that.

Teyla Emmagan: Is that what made all these people kill each other?
Dr. Rodney McKay: I hope so.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You hope so?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Otherwise, there are two bizarre things going on, and one is more than enough for me, thank you very much.

Dr. Rodney McKay: It's as if whoever turned it on dialed it up to eleven and just left it there.

Dr. Rodney McKay: Genii. They must have discovered the place, started messing around with the machine without having the first clue as to what they were doing. Which explains why the place is covered in this.
[indicates organic material]
Teyla Emmagan: And before the realized what they'd done ...
Dr. Rodney McKay: They couldn't figure out how to turn it off, so they shot the thing, hoping they could somehow kill it, which only made it regrow more, make it that much more difficult for someone with the ability to actually turn it off *to* actually turn it off.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: So you can't actually turn it off?
Dr. Rodney McKay: I never said that.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Well, what *did* you say?

Dr. Carson Beckett: You wanted a scalpel?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yeah, I need it to cut through this membrane. It's like surgery. It's more up your alley, maybe you oughta do it.
Dr. Carson Beckett: I'm a little preoccupied at the moment, thank you.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yeah, how is Kroger?
Dr. Carson Beckett: Kagen.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Kagen. Kagen. What is it with me and names?

Dr. Rodney McKay: [to Carson] So you made a mistake. You thought he was dead and he wasn't. Better off that way than the other way around.

Dr. Carson Beckett: Rodney.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Hmm?
Dr. Carson Beckett: Have you experienced anything yet?
Dr. Rodney McKay: No. Everyone's brain chemistry is different. Maybe some people are more susceptable than others. Look, I toked pot once in college. Didn't feel a thing.
Dr. Carson Beckett: Really?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Mm. Well, aside from itchy. And the overpowering urge to eat an entire loaf of white bread.

[Throughout the scene, Rodney is complaining that John shot him]
Dr. Rodney McKay: [third time] You shot me.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [exasperated] Yes, Rodney, I shot you, and I said I was sorry.
Ronon Dex: You shot me, too.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I'm sorry for shooting everyone!

Dr. Rodney McKay: [panicking about what's out there] What? Person, animal? How many syllables?

Ronon Dex: Probably nothing.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Why am I not comforted?

Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh for god's sake, enough with the bodies!

Dr. Elizabeth Weir: How are Rodney and Teyla?
Dr. Rodney McKay: He shot me!
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: They're both fine.

Dr. Rodney McKay: You shot me!
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Yes, Rodney, I shot you, and I said I was sorry.

Dr. Rodney McKay: I can't believe you shot me!
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Get some sleep Rodney!

"Stargate: Atlantis: Progeny (#3.5)" (2006)
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: You mean, you have a plan?
Oberoth: We do.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Great, let's hear it.
[Oberoth stares at him blankly]
Dr. Rodney McKay: You plan, I mean.
Oberoth: I doubt that you would be able to grasp its complexity and scope.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Fortunately, I'm very good with complexity.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: And scope.

Teyla Emmagan: Might it not be possible that these people merely discoved this city, as you discovered Atlantis?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Wouldn't be surprised. They didn't seem very Ancienty to me.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Ancienty?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Yes, that's the word I was looking for.

Niam: He brought you food.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh good! I'm starving!
Ronon Dex: [motions for Rodney to move away from the food]
Dr. Rodney McKay: What? I can't think on a empty stomach.

Niam: Oberoth can be... intractable.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Not exactly the word I was looking for.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Un-Ancienty?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Not that word either.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Still nothing?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Still nothing.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Who the hell are you people?
Dr. Rodney McKay: They're not people, they're machines. They're replicators!

Niam: It is real, Dr. McKay. Your minds are no longer being probed.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Good to know it was just our minds.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, please don't make me sick.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir: And Oberoth will agree to this?
Niam: I believe Oberoth is attacking Atlantis as a result of that programming. If we can prove to him that it can be altered...
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You think he'll see the light?
Dr. Rodney McKay: [sarcastically] Hallelujah.

Ronon Dex: Not much point in leaving without blowing this place up first.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: How would we do that?
[everyone looks at Rodney]
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, that's me. Right. Surprise, surprise. Look, why don't I just go on these missions by myself, hmm?

Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Ancients?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: He's got one of their scanners.
Dr. Rodney McKay: So do we.

Teyla Emmagan: And you've had no trouble with the wraith?
Niam: No.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Any particular reason?
Niam: The wraith do not concern us.
Dr. Rodney McKay: [to John] Ah, see? He didn't answer my question.
[to Niam]
Dr. Rodney McKay: I'm sorry, you didn't actually answer my question.

Niam: [regarding ZPMs] Oh yes. We have many of those.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Exactly how many is many?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Exactly doesn't matter. Many is plenty.

Dr. Rodney McKay: [regarding ZPMs] I assume that you... built them yourselves?
Niam: Yes.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yes.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Easy, Rodney, you're slobbering.

Dr. Rodney McKay: He says the other Ancients are arrogant?
Niam: I'm sorry if you thought Oberoth was condescending in any way.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: How 'bout in every way.
Niam: It is difficult for him to see you as capable of understanding.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yeah, well, how many Ph.Ds does he have?

Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Rodney?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Hmm?
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Well, this cell is similar to ours. Is there something in the design that could offer a possible escape?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Are you serious? It's a jail cell.

Dr. Rodney McKay: [John is going to manually set off the self-destruct] No, no, no! I can't let you do this, not without tossing a coin or something! It doesn't seem right!
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I appreciate the offer, Rodney. Now, get out of here!

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: What'd they do to you?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Torture, in ways to hideous and... intimate to recount?
Ronon Dex: Like what?
Dr. Rodney McKay: I said "too hideous to recount."

Dr. Elizabeth Weir: I just had a horrible thought.
Teyla Emmagan: What if it is still happening?
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Yes.
Dr. Rodney McKay: There's got to be a way to know for sure.
[Pushes John's head and John smacks his leg]
Dr. Rodney McKay: Doesn't really prove anything.

Dr. Rodney McKay: This is bad. They're very similar to an artificle intelligence that SG-1 encountered several years ago that evolved from a tiny block replicator into human form. They may even be related somehow.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I read those reports. Stargate Command could barely defeat the human form replicators.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Which is why I said, "this is bad."

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: How's it coming Rodney?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Slowly.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: What's the hold-up?
Dr. Rodney McKay: What's the hold-up? Do you have any idea what I'm trying to do here?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Niam gave you access to the program code, and you're screwing around with it.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, that is so... relatively accurate.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Thank you.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Still, we're not dealing with Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots here. We are dealing with a complex codeof over three billion chemical base sequences. It's like trying to reconfigure the DNA double helix.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Okay, so, what? Five minutes?

Dr. Rodney McKay: Exactly, but , while I was working on it, I figured out a way to create a glitch that, on my command, should momentarily freeze them.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: "Should."
Dr. Rodney McKay: Okay, if you will, I mean, dead in their tracks. Like hitting the pause button. Only temporarily, until they figure out how to override it.
Ronon Dex: How long?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, I don't know. That's why I said "momentarily."
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Days? Hours? Minutes?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, look, it's minutes, but I don't know. That's what I was just saying to him.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: 10? 20?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Okay, fine, you want a number? Fine, seven. 7 minutes and 31 seconds. Are you happy?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: No.
Dr. Rodney McKay: No?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: That's not enough time.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Okay, well, you wanted a number.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: A bigger number!
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, it may very well be longer.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Or shorter.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I don't know. Look, you're missing the point.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Gentlemen, focus, please.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: So much for seven and a half minutes.
Dr. Rodney McKay: It was an *arbitrary* number.

Dr. Rodney McKay: Look, as soon as I trigger the overload there'll be practically zero lag time before it blows.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Practically?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Okay, so, like, a few seconds for it to build up power -
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: How many seconds?
Dr. Rodney McKay: I don't know.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: 5? 10?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Again with the arbitrary numbers!

Dr. Rodney McKay: Either the Ancients purposely conceiled every record, extremely well, I might add, or they simply deleted them from the database. I'm leaning towards the latter.
Dr. Radek Zelenka: Perhaps the think they've truly destroyed them all.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Or they didn't want anyone to know they failed.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Again. God, there is nothing more annoying than people who won't admit their own mistakes.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [He and Radek share a look] True.

"Stargate: Atlantis: Sateda (#3.4)" (2006)
Dr. Carson Beckett: You have an arrow, Rodney, in your Gluteus Maximus.
Dr. Rodney McKay: [on lots of morphine] That sounds painful.
Dr. Rodney McKay: [to himself] Gluteus Maximus... gluteus maximus...
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh my god! That's my ass!
Dr. Carson Beckett: Aye.

Dr. Rodney McKay: [referring to calling Ronon "Caveman"] It's a nickname. Buddies have nicknames!
Dr. Carson Beckett: So now you're buddies?

Ronon Dex: Which one of you killed the Wraith?
Dr. Carson Beckett: I did.
Dr. Rodney McKay: My idea!

Dr. Rodney McKay: [to Major Lorne] Have you seen a guy? He looks kind of like you only he has funny hair. I think I lost him. And a pretty girl. And a caveman.

Dr. Rodney McKay: How about I leave the bad jokes to you and the brilliant scientific ideas to me.

Major: McKay?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Over here.
Major: You know, we take for granted all of the simple things in life... like sitting.
Major: I don't envy you. Must be a pain in the ass.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Hah. How long have you been thinking of that one?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Longer than I'd like to admit.

Major: Something wrong?
Ronon Dex: I have a bad feeling.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I always feel like that. Like something horrible is about to happen.
Teyla Emmagan: How do you live?
Dr. Rodney McKay: I get used to it. Thing is, when someone else also has that feeling, mine gets worse.

Dr. Rodney McKay: [screaming after being shot in the butt with an arrow] That did not just happen!

Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, my God, it hurts! I can't feel me leg!
Major: Pain or numbness?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Both!

Dr. Rodney McKay: So many colors... all the pretty horses.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: What's he talking about?
Dr. Carson Beckett: I gave him some morphine for the pain.
Airman: I need to know how many villagers. How far is the gate from the village?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Have you seen a guy around? He looks like you, but he's got messy hair. I think I lost him somewhere. And - and a pretty woman, and a caveman.
Dr. Carson Beckett: I may have given him a wee bit too much.

Dr. Rodney McKay: Excuse me? Why am I lying here?
Dr. Carson Beckett: You have an arrow, Rodney, in your gluteus maximus.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh. Well, that sounds painful.
[sighs]
Dr. Rodney McKay: Gluteus maximus... Glootus... maa... ximus. Oh, my God. That's my ass, isn't it?
Dr. Carson Beckett: Aye.

Major: McKay?
Dr. Rodney McKay: [from the floor] I'm here. You know... you really don't appreciate the simple things in life. Like... sitting.
Major: I don't envy you. It must be a real pain in the ass.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Aw... how long did you work on that?
Major: Longer than I care to admit.

Major: But these sensors only cover a small corner of the galaxy.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Unless they're calibrated to pick up a signal using subspace. How about I leave the bad jokes to you, and you leave the brilliant science stuff to me?

Dr. Rodney McKay: What is going on down there? You have at least twenty-five Wraith closing in on your position from ground level.
Major: It seems Ronon doesn't want to leave.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, too bad! You tell that ungrateful example of unevolved humanity that we came all this way to rescue him, so he'd better get off his...
Major: McKay says he's very hurt you won't come with us.

Dr. Rodney McKay: That is the stupidest plan I have ever heard.
Major: I don't know, killing a bunch of Wraith always seems like a good idea to me.

Dr. Rodney McKay: Where do you think you're going?
Dr. Carson Beckett: I'm going to help them.
Dr. Rodney McKay: What are you, crazy? You're a doctor!
Dr. Carson Beckett: What does that have to do with it?
[Rodney tries to take the gun]
Dr. Carson Beckett: What are you doing?
Dr. Rodney McKay: I'm going.
Dr. Carson Beckett: You can barely walk.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I can walk fine. I just can't sit.
Dr. Carson Beckett: And you're a terrible shot.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, what, and you're Rambo now?

Dr. Carson Beckett: There's more than one gun, we can both bloody go.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yeah, well someone has to stay with the jumper...
Major: [over the radio] That's it. We got 'em all. McKay?
Dr. Rodney McKay: [checks the HUD] Yeah, it's just you guys left. Well, that was quick.
Major: Well, I got six. Teyla got...
Teyla Emmagan: Eight.
Major: I got nine, Teyla got eight, Ronon got the rest.

Ronon Dex: Which one of you killed the Wraith?
Dr. Carson Beckett: [smiles proudly] That would be me.
Dr. Rodney McKay: My idea.
Teyla Emmagan: Ronon...
Dr. Carson Beckett: What?
[worried]
Dr. Carson Beckett: Don't tell me you're not happy that he's dead.
Major: I had him in my sights, but Ronon said he'd kill me if I shot him.
Dr. Rodney McKay: It was all Beckett's idea.
Ronon Dex: [hugs Carson] Thanks, doc.
Dr. Rodney McKay: What, him you thank?
Major: I could've killed him at any time, but Teyla wouldn't let me.
Ronon Dex: Thank you. All of you.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, don't mention it.
Major: It's nothing, really. I only killed eleven, twelve Wraith.

Major: So there are seven runners?
Dr. Rodney McKay: We can't be certain. But I bet that's Ronon.
Major: How do you know?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Because that's Sateda, Ronon's home planet.

Dr. Rodney McKay: What the hell is going on down there?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Ronon thinks he can get the head Wraith responsible for all this to come down and fight him if we kill all these Wraith first.
Dr. Rodney McKay: That is the stupidest plan I have ever heard.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I don't know. Killing a bunch of Wraith always seems like a good idea to me.
Dr. Rodney McKay: They outnumber you 25 to 3.
Dr. Carson Beckett: It's actually 22 to 3... 21...
Teyla Emmagan: And Ronon appears to be quite angry.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, that evens it out.

"Stargate: Atlantis: Irresistible (#3.3)" (2006)
Teyla Emmagan: Are you that eager to return to Earth, Rodney?
Dr. Rodney McKay: This isn't just about me, it is about the ability to go back and forth between Earth and Atlantis conveniently... and whenever I want to.

Dr. Rodney McKay: Okay, let's just make contact, buy our souvenirs, and...
[sees multiple beautiful women]
Dr. Rodney McKay: get out of here!
Willa: Fair day to you.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Fair day to *you*. Nothing here. We should probably go.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yeah, probably wouldn't hurt to make contact with the locals, though.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: No, no, when you're right, you're right.

Lucius Lavin: I have, I have to say, some of the best ointments around.
[John sneezes]
Lucius Lavin: See, I could take care of that,
[snaps]
Lucius Lavin: just like that.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: It's just a cold.
Lucius Lavin: Nevertheless, I have a potion that could get rid of that in six or seven days.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Mm.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [sarcastically] That's impressive.
Lucius Lavin: You get used to it.

Dr. Rodney McKay: One lousy gate, we're never gonna meet our quota at this rate.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: What quota?
Dr. Rodney McKay: My quota.

Dr. Carson Beckett: He also possesses many valuable herbs and spices and gourds.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Did you just say gourds?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: This is creeping me out.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yeah, it reminds me of an old episode of Batman, actually. Catwoman used a drug to put a spell on Batman, make him fall in love with her. Ended up doing all sorts of evil things for her. kind of a turn-on, actually. It was Julie Newmar in the catsuit...
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Eartha Kitt was Catwoman.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Not till season three.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Really?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yeah, you didn't know that?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Elizabeth wants to send a team to check out a gate at a suspected Wraith outpost.
Dr. Rodney McKay: What is she, nuts?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Everybody's nuts, Rodney. Haven't you noticed?

Dr. Rodney McKay: You're leaving me here alone?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You said you needed the liquid.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yeah, but the place is turning into a nuthouse.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Somebody's gotta stay. Just keep away from the nuts.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I thought you said you were gonna stay away from the nuts.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yes, well, I tried to keep to myself, but Lucius here was concerned for me, so he just came down, Ronon held me against the wall, and we had a nice, long talk.

Lucius Lavin: You can fly this thing?
Dr. Rodney McKay: I can fly it, too.
Dr. Carson Beckett: Yes, now that you've received the A.T.A. therapy, which I invented. I was actually born with the gene, which makes me much more proficient at operating Ancient technology.
Dr. Rodney McKay: It does not. He doesn't fly this thing any better than I do.
Dr. Carson Beckett: Don't you lie to Lucius!

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Hey, buddy, I'd better get back and clean your quarters before the next scout.
[Runs off]
Dr. Rodney McKay: Right.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Rodney.
Dr. Rodney McKay: It was one teeny, tiny taste for research purposes.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Burn it.
Dr. Carson Beckett: All of it.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Right now.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Fine. Story of my life.

Ronon Dex: [referring to Lucius] Yeah, you have a problem with that?
Dr. Rodney McKay: No.
[pointing to Sheppard]
Dr. Rodney McKay: But he might.

Dr. Rodney McKay: Fly, Lucius. Fly!

Dr. Rodney McKay: Where's Radek?
Gate Technician: Not here...

"Stargate: Atlantis: The Return: Part 1 (#3.10)" (2006)
Dr. Rodney McKay: I give you the 'McKay-Carter Intergalactic Bridge'!

Dr. Rodney McKay: Cue Applause!
Dr. Rodney McKay: [All of the Dedaelus cheers] Thank you! Enough.

Dr. Rodney McKay: Yes, of course, it worked! I'm already onto the next problem.

Dr. Rodney McKay: I'm detecting an object traveling 9.99 the speed of light.

Dr. Rodney McKay: They're not laughing, they're unconscious, but metaphorically...

Dr. Rodney McKay: [to Sheppard] Um, did you really get pizza for everyone? Because that would really be a waste if we uh...

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: What if you were forced out of your home because of war, and you came back to find someone sitting on your couch, eating your cheetos, watching your TV?
Dr. Rodney McKay: [raising his chin in the air] I'd be fine with that.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: No you wouldn't.

Dr. Rodney McKay: [to Carson] You are NOT tearing up on me.

Dr. Rodney McKay: OK, we need to send them a message before they get out of range and we have to jump ahead. Uh, something like, you know, "We are humans from Earth currently occupying Atlantis, uh, yada, yada, yada..."
Maj. John Sheppard: Why don't we just ask 'em to slow down?
Captain Dave Kleinman: Kleinman's console beeps. Colonel Caldwell. The unidentified vessel is slowing down.
Maj. John Sheppard: Maybe they heard me.
Dr. Rodney McKay: looking at the pilot's console: No, they saw us. They're not just slowing down - they're slamming on the brakes something like twenty-seven gees.

Dr. Rodney McKay: What was it?
Dr. Carson Beckett: What?
Dr. Rodney McKay: What were you gonna say? Now I'm curious.
Dr. Carson Beckett: [hesitantly] I was gonna say: Goodbye, Rodney.

Dr. Rodney McKay: [on the phone with Sheppard] You know, the truth is I...
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: What?
Dr. Rodney McKay: I don't want to use the term lonely, but there are certain people who I miss...
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Me
Dr. Rodney McKay: You, not so much. You, I'm on my cell phone with. You, I'm having dinner with tomorrow night.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: See you tomorrow night.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Wouldn't miss it!

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [cell phones ring] Sheppard.
Dr. Rodney McKay: McKay.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Hello?
Dr. Carson Beckett: [only one not answering a phone] I didn't bring my bloody cell phone with me? What's happening?

Dr. Rodney McKay: They emit a directional beacon that disrupts the replicators and breaks them apart.
Ronon Dex: Not what I asked.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yes, they work good.

"Stargate: Atlantis: Tao of Rodney (#3.14)" (2006)
Dr. Rodney McKay: You know, I don't get these Ancients. They're supposed to be so smart, but why activate something that you don't need and you're not using, huh?
Dr. Radek Zelenka: Well, maybe they didn't have time to get to it, you know, before the human-form Replicators that you reprogrammed attacked.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yes, yes, we all know what happened.

Dr. Carson Beckett: Alright. Like I said, as far as I can tell, he's as healthy as a horse. I'm clearing you for active duty.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Are you insane? Look, I need to be put under guard. Who knows what I could become?
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: What are the chances it could make him more pleasant?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, thank you!
Lt... Colonel John Sheppard: I'll keep an eye on him.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Thank you!
Dr. Rodney McKay: Can you still see me?

Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Have there been any other instances of this power manifesting itself?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Powers. Plural.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: What else can you do besides telekinesis?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, super-hearing for one, and I'm not sure but I think I may actually be getting smarter. It's hard to say for sure because I was pretty smart to start with but, um, recently I've been having some ideas that I don't think even I would have thought of before.
Lt... Colonel John Sheppard: Does super-ego count as a power?

Lt... Colonel John Sheppard: We could also be dealing with a super-appetite, although it's hard to tell because he ate so much before.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Very funny.
Dr. Carson Beckett: My God! He's eatin' again!
Dr. Rodney McKay: I have a very active metabolism.

Dr. Rodney McKay: You know, we could be a team. You could be my sidekick.
Ronon Dex: "Sidekick".
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yeah, it'd be like Batman and Ronon. Has a nice ring to it.
Ronon Dex: Yeah, you keep eating like that, it's more like Fatman.

Dr. Rodney McKay: Yeah, see? Never been big on leaps of faith, either. I mean, sure, there was a part of me that from the beginning knew that this was too good to be true. *Nothing* this great could ever happen to me without really, really bad consequences. Anyways, now I have come to terms with that and I just wanna get as much done in the time I have left and not waste my time on a bunch of mumbo jumbo I'm not gonna understand anyways.

Lt... Colonel John Sheppard: Truth is, I was never really very good at this myself.
Dr. Rodney McKay: So why am I here?
Lt... Colonel John Sheppard: Elizabeth made me.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh. Yeah. Me too.

Dr. Rodney McKay: I just realised why light behaves as both particles and waves.

Dr. Rodney McKay: I think in the grand scheme of things, we're... we're good, aren't we?
Lt... Colonel John Sheppard: Of course.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Right. Look, if it's not too much trouble, I'd like you to read my eulogy.
Lt... Colonel John Sheppard: I *refuse* to discuss that.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Just keep it simple. Um, make up a few nice things. I'd like my little sister to be there... and, oh, you should know that I told Beckett that he should most definitely do a full autopsy. He can use my body for any kind of experimentation that might prove helpful, and, uh... Oh, and I'd like to be cremated, with my ashes to be, uh... thrown out into space from the Jumper...
Lt... Colonel John Sheppard: [Rodney collapses] Rodney... Rodney!

Lt... Colonel John Sheppard: There must be something we can do.
Dr. Rodney McKay: It's OK. You know, I'm actually feeling a sense of peace... interspersed with moments of sheer terror, of course.
Lt... Colonel John Sheppard: Rodney, as far as this ascension thing, I know you didn't have much success but at this point, what've you got to lose?
Dr. Rodney McKay: May as well go out fighting, huh?
Lt... Colonel John Sheppard: Absolutely.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Hook me up.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Rodney, you're a good person. Know that we love you.
Dr. Rodney McKay: You love me? Really? All of you?
Lt... Colonel John Sheppard: In a way a friend feels about another friend.
Dr. Rodney McKay: You're just saying that because I'm gonna die. Oh, God. I can't believe I'm gonna die.
Lt... Colonel John Sheppard: Alright, just back to the blue skies. Let your thoughts go.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Are you sure that this is how you want to...?
Dr. Rodney McKay: ...spend my last couple of days alive? Don't have a lot of choice, do I?
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Rodney, I think it's very decent and noble of you to want to leave a scientific contribution behind, but I still believe there's a chance you can ascend if you put your mind to it.
Dr. Rodney McKay: We both know that that is a waste of time. Maybe you could do it, but...
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: I don't know if I could, but you are certainly selling yourself short by not even trying.
Dr. Rodney McKay: To be honest, I don't have the first clue where to start.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Stop thinking.
Dr. Rodney McKay: See, I don't understand that.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: One of the biggest things that holds people back is that somewhere deep down they believe they're not deserving. You have to... release your burden.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, please!
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: I know, spirituality to you is a load of mumbo jumbo, but it does help people find peace with themselves.
Dr. Rodney McKay: But you have to believe.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: I'm not talking about religion. I'm talking about shedding yourself of guilt, of anger, of ill-feeling, of anything that makes you feel shame. And then you can focus all of your energy on ascending.
Dr. Rodney McKay: So what you're telling me is that I don't think I'm worthy.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Rodney, I don't know what you truly believe about yourself. For all I know, you use your intelligence to compensate, to make yourself feel better for other things you think you may lack.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Like what?
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: That, I can't tell you... but maybe you could start reading your own mind?

Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, I'm fine. No, yes, and it doesn't.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: What?
Dr. Rodney McKay: I can read your mind. Uh, everyone's actually. That was very cool for the first, like, ten seconds there, but now I'm finding it a little disturbing, so I'm trying to tune it out as much as I possibly can... well, sort of. Anyways, look, I wanted to get your permission to access the Control Chair. I've got some pretty interesting ideas for maximising our ZPM. I reconfigured the city's power systems, it's too complicated to explain, but trust me when I say that you are going to be incredibly happy with the results. Look, Elizabeth, I know you have every right not to trust me but I promise you, I'm gonna make things much, much better, OK? Good.
[McKay looks at Ronon]
Dr. Rodney McKay: She wants you to shoot me if you think for even one second that I might be trying to take over the city for my own evil purposes. I'm kidding. That was a joke. Is your weapon set to, uh, stun? Wait, never mind.
[McKay closes his eyes and Ronon's gun beeps]
Dr. Rodney McKay: There, I did it myself. OK, to the Chair Room, Ronon.
[McKay leaves]
Ronon Dex: Can I shoot him now?
Dr. Rodney McKay: I can hear you!

"Stargate: Atlantis: The Shrine (#5.6)" (2008)
Dr. Jennifer Keller: You can go ahead Rodney.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I don't remember where to start.
Dr. Jennifer Keller: Sure you do.
Dr. Rodney McKay: No.
Dr. Jennifer Keller: Start with your name, like we've been doing, okay? We'll just go from there.
Dr. Rodney McKay: My name? My name is... Mr. Rodney McKay.
Dr. Jennifer Keller: No...
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yes.
Dr. Jennifer Keller: No. C'mon now, you're *Doctor* McKay, remember?
Dr. Rodney McKay: No. I'm not anymore. I'm not... smart anymore. Doctors are smart, so I'm *Mister* now.
Dr. Jennifer Keller: Okay.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I used to be the smartest person ever. And now... and now I'm not.
Dr. Jennifer Keller: That's what we're trying to fix.
Dr. Rodney McKay: No. You can't fix me.

Richard Woolsey: Colonel Sheppard, when you reach the research camp, please remind Dr. Nichols that he is now one hour and fifteen minutes overdue for his scheduled check-in.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Alright. Want me to smack him around or anything?
Richard Woolsey: Just the reminder please.
Teyla Emmagan: Shouldn't we be concerned for Dr. Nichols' team?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: No. The settlement's a half hour away from the gate and Woolsey's got him checking in every six. I'm sure Nichols is just tired of taking the round trip.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Still, wouldn't hurt to bust his chops a bit. That Nichols is so arrogant.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [the team emerged from a Stargate that was unexpectedly underwater and is stuck on top] . Alright, everybody. We'll be warm soon enough.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I think I got wetter than you did.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I don't know. I think I got a little damp dialing the DHD.
Teyla Emmagan: The research camp is further up this valley. I'm a little concerned for Dr. Nichols' team.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [into radio] Anyone at the research camp, this is Colonel Sheppard, please respond. I repeat, this is Colonel Sheppard, please respond.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I'm pretty sure they're all dead.
Teyla Emmagan: We can't know that Rodney!

Teyla Emmagan: [Rodney sneezes. Teyla feels his forehead] Were you running a fever before we left?
Dr. Rodney McKay: I dunno, I'm always running something.

Dr. Rodney McKay: [in a hospital bed] Hey, can I go now? I feel a little silly lying here.
Dr. Jennifer Keller: I'm keeping you under observation for a little longer. Besides, I ordered you dinner.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, then you can observe me eat, because I'm famished.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: It's official: he's better.

Dr. Rodney McKay: Remind me to register a complaint with whoever's idea this was.
Dr. Jennifer Keller: Uh, it was yours actually.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, well complaint duly registered.

Dr. Rodney McKay: Believe me, I've already forgotten more than most people will ever know.

Dr. Rodney McKay: Jennifer says it's gonna get worse now, almost by the hour. In a week or so, I won't even remember my own name. How's about... How 'bout we say goodbye now?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: No.
Dr. Rodney McKay: What do you mean, no?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I mean I'm not saying goodbye.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I'm saying it anyway.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Then I'm not listening.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yeah, but pretty soon I won't even know who you are.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Well I'll remind you.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yeah but I don't want you to see me like that. I want you to remember me as I am, as your genius friend, not as some shi...
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: -NOT happening.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Please.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You're stuck with me, Rodney, just accept it.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yeah bu...
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: No! And that's final.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Okay.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Okay.
Dr. Rodney McKay: [meaningful pause] You're a good friend, Arthur.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [Looks over, sees McKay is joking, and spits out his beer laughing]

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I'm not going anywhere. You know, you wanna hang out, you just hang out.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I don't know what to do with myself. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have woken you up.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Look, it's a nice night out. Let's go have some beer on the pier, okay?
Dr. Rodney McKay: I drink beer?

Dr. Rodney McKay: Absolutely not.
Jeannie Miller: We're talking about saving your life.
Dr. Rodney McKay: [brandishing the drill] Look, my brain is not some new deck off the back of your house.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I'm not the one doing the surgery.
Dr. Rodney McKay: [to Keller] Yeah, and as my parting advice, you need to stop letting these guys talk you into doing stupid things.
Dr. Jennifer Keller: I can do it.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Really?
Jeannie Miller: And I'm fairly sure I can modify the life signs detector.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yeah, with my help.
Jeannie Miller: So help.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Look, this isn't one of those PBS brain surgeries where my scull is open and we're having a conversation...
Dr. Jennifer Keller: I have enough anesthetic to put you out, you're not gonna feel a thing.
Dr. Rodney McKay: It's probably a *hammer*.

Dr. Jennifer Keller: Honestly, I didn't expect it to work. I expected nothing would happen and that would be that. So why did it? You don't believe in magic shrines anymore than I do.
Jeannie Miller: Show him the readings.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Hm.
Jeannie Miller: That's what I said.
Dr. Rodney McKay: You said "hm"?

"Stargate: Atlantis: Common Ground (#3.7)" (2006)
Teyla Emmagan: We must go faster, Rodney.
Dr. Rodney McKay: This is pretty much my top gear!

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Rodney, dial the damn 'gate. Don't wait for us!
Dr. Rodney McKay: As if the bullets whizzing past my head weren't encouragement enough!

Dr. Rodney McKay: What have you done to him?
Commander Acastus Kolya: Nothing whatsoever, Dr. McKay.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Okay, let me rephrase that. What are you *planning* to do?
Commander Acastus Kolya: It's quite simple. I'd like to make a trade.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Before we continue this conversation another second, I want to speak with Sheppard.
Commander Acastus Kolya: Be my guest.
Dr. Rodney McKay: We'll rephrase that, too. We would like him to be able to speak to us.
Commander Acastus Kolya: [smiles] Very well.

Ronon Dex: So what? I say we turn him over and let 'em fight it out.
Dr. Rodney McKay: We can't do that.
Ronon Dex: Oh, why not?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Because... well...
[to Elizabeth]
Dr. Rodney McKay: can we?

Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Has there been any progress?
Dr. Rodney McKay: We have a list of planets where recent Genii activity has been documented, but we'd have a much higher margin of success if Ladon would be willing to point out firm locations of Genii safe houses and shelters, maybe even Wraith-infested torture chambers.

Dr. Rodney McKay: All right, people, let's do this one by the numbers. We get in, we get our man, we get out. Stay sharp and stay alive.
Dr. Carson Beckett: What are you on about?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, just things Sheppard would say, so I thought I would...
Teyla Emmagan: Well said, Rodney.
Ronon Dex: Just stay behind me.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Right.

Dr. Rodney McKay: [Rodney fires his gun and everyone comes running] Oh...
Dr. Carson Beckett: Rodney!
Dr. Rodney McKay: I thought I saw something out of the corner of my eye. I just - you know, I reacted.
Teyla Emmagan: What is it?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Um... a mouse. A really big one, though. More of a rat, really. Possibly rabid.
Dr. Carson Beckett: This isn't the place, is it?
Teyla Emmagan: I do not believe so.
Ronon Dex: No. Sheppard wasn't here.
Dr. Rodney McKay: And we've just wasted two and a half hours.
Ronon Dex: Let's move out!
Dr. Rodney McKay: And a mouse.

Male Wraith: Sheppard gave me back my life. I merely repaid the debt.
Dr. Rodney McKay: What debt? Are you kidding me? I mean, he looks younger than he did before.

Ladon Radim: I came here as a friend, Doctor Weir. I hope to leave as one.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: And we appreciate your concern for Colonel Sheppard.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Despite the fact that it was your incompetence that led to his capture.

Dr. Rodney McKay: Sheppard could have left you to rot down in that hole when we last met, Kolya. He does *not* deserve this.
Commander Acastus Kolya: Let's be clear, Doctor McKay. No one does.

"Stargate: Atlantis: Echoes (#3.12)" (2006)
Dr. Rodney McKay: Elizabeth! Did you get my email?
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Which email? One of the seven today? Or one of the eighteen yesterday?

Dr. Rodney McKay: Hey, how long have you been standing there?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Hour or so.
Dr. Rodney McKay: What? Why didn't you say anything? I feel like a - oh. It's the kidding.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You named him after Samantha Carter?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well Sam's a boy's name too.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir: And how do you know he's a he?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, because I cross referenced the renderings in the database with the whale outside and you'll see the males have a rather prominent...
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Oh it's okay. Never mind. I'll take your word for it.

Dr. Rodney McKay: It's kind of like trying to sing the words to the Macarena. You can sound out the words but you have no idea what you're singing.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: So, these, uh, whales. Did the Ancients say they're good eating?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, you wouldn't!
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I would.

Dr. Rodney McKay: You are not gonna believe this. I've been monitoring Sam on the underwater scanner...
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Stop calling him that.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Why?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: It's creepy!
Dr. Rodney McKay: No, it's not.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: That guy's the size of a football field!
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yeah, a *Canadian* football field.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Hey, wanna take a closer look?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Umm...
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Come on.

Dr. Rodney McKay: This is not a good plan.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Sure it is.
Dr. Rodney McKay: You realise just how close we'll have to get to the sun?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Pretty damned close, I'm thinkin'.
Dr. Rodney McKay: *Suicidally* close. I mean, we'll be toast.

"Stargate: Atlantis: Rising (#1.1)" (2004)
Dr. Rodney McKay: [he is talking about the ZPM] Zed-P.M.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill USAF: What?
Daniel Jackson, Ph.D.: Zee-P.M. He's Canadian.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Doctor Beckett should be proud he's genetically advanced.
Dr. Rodney McKay: It's not more advanced. It-it is a random characteristic.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: This really bothers you, this whole gene thing, huh?
Dr. Rodney McKay: [sarcastically] Oh, clearly I am overcome with envy.

Dr. Rodney McKay: Major, think about where we are in the solar system.

Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh. So the story of Atlantis is true. A great city that sank in the ocean.
Dr. Carson Beckett: It just didn't happen on Earth.

Dr. Rodney McKay: Sensors say there's oxygen, no measurable toxins. We have viable life support. Looks like we're not getting out of this.

Dr. Rodney McKay: [they're running out of energy] Using power, using power, using power.

Major John Sheppard: On the surface without a shield? We're target practice.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I'm acutely aware of that, Major, but thank you for reinforcing it.
Major John Sheppard: When can you tell me where the Wraith took Colonel Sumner and the others?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Even with the six symbols Lieutenant Ford provided there are still hundreds of permutations.
Major John Sheppard: Seven hundred and twenty.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yes. I knew that of course. I'm just surprised you did.
Major John Sheppard: Take away the coordinates you can't get a lock on, and that's your one. When you find it, send a MALP.

Dr. Carson Beckett: [about Teyla] How come I never make friends like that?
Dr. Rodney McKay: You need to get out more.
Dr. Carson Beckett: We're in another galaxy - how much more out can you get?

Dr. Rodney McKay: Is there lemon in this?

"Stargate: Atlantis: No Man's Land (#3.1)" (2006)
Dr. Rodney McKay: Even if they somehow deduced the location of Earth they still wouldn't be able to get there, not unless they... They downloaded something along with the hive ship plans. Aw, something like spyware - it's like my stupidly downloaded porn.
[beat]
Dr. Rodney McKay: Music! My downloaded music! It has to be, it couldn't... I did this. I'm responsible for the destruction of my own planet.
Ronon Dex: If anybody was gonna do it, it'd be you.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Thank you. Thank you *so* much for that!

Ronon Dex: Stop worrying about it. Just focus.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Focus on what? What is there to focus on? I am stuck in a cocoon.
Ronon Dex: Getting out of here.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, right, of course. Why didn't I think of that? Of course, here goes. Um, nope. Still can't move.
[He pauses and hears Ronan trying to escape]
Dr. Rodney McKay: I'm pretty sure they're struggle-proof there, big guy.

Ronon Dex: You're wasting your energy talking.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Okay, let's say a magic fairy comes down and grants you one wish, and we break out? Then what, huh? We're still on a hive, we're still traveling through hyperspace, probably in the massive void between our two galaxies, where there aren't even planets, let alone stargates. Then what, huh? Oh, we fly home on the wings of imagination? Is that what we do, Ronan?

Dr. Rodney McKay: I wonder which would be worse, being life-sucked by the wraith or being burned alive. I honestly couldn't consider two worse options.
Ronon Dex: Stop talking.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Okay, you know what? Make me.

Dr. Rodney McKay: Don't just stand there, cut me loose.
Ronon Dex: Only if you put an end to all this "We're gonna die, there's no hope" talk.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, now there is hope.

Ronon Dex: If we're already dead, I say we take 'em with us.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I suppose I'd rather die as a hero than as a meal.

Dr. Rodney McKay: Their operating system is a mess. Thank goodness I remember DOS.
[Ronan doesn't react]
Dr. Rodney McKay: Trust me, that was hilarious.

Maj. Lorne: It didn't work on her.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Beckett wondered if the females would be immune.
Maj. Lorne: Yeah, something you might have mentioned before she almost killed me, Rodney.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I only thought of it now.

Dr. Radek Zelenka: Have you tried routing the power through the inertial...
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yes, yes, yes, we have tried everything.
Dr. Radek Zelenka: Subspace communications?
Dr. Rodney McKay: We are floating between two galaxies, Radek. Atlantis has no ship to send. Even if we were somehow able to repair the array and get a message back to Earth, it would still take them weeks to get a rescue here.
Dr. Radek Zelenka: I wasn't thinking of rescue. I was thinking simply of telling them that we've stopped the Wraith, and perhaps letting someone know the sacrifice that we've done.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, a noble sentiment but I would prefer to dedicate my last breath of air to getting more air.

"Stargate: Atlantis: Misbegotten (#3.2)" (2006)
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [about the hive ship] You figured out how to fly the thing yet?
Dr. Rodney McKay: [sarcastically] Oh, yeah, fly, shimmy, spin like a top. You didn't think it'd be hard, did you?

Dr. Elizabeth Weir: We've all logged more than a few miles these past few weeks. I'd just like to say that... seeing you now, sitting across from me... looking at your faces... It makes me feel very...
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You don't have to say it.
Teyla Emmagan: We feel the same way you do.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, she feels hungry, too?
[smiles at Elizabeth]

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: How many maneuvers can you pull off with your manual interface?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, does standing still count as a maneuver?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: No.
[Elizabeth smiles]

Dr. Elizabeth Weir: What are our chances of surviving a ship-to-ship encounter?
Dr. Rodney McKay: If I can get the manual interface working, I'd say... less than slim.

Dr. Rodney McKay: That's weird. A bunch of secondary systems just came online.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You're a genius, Rodney.
Dr. Rodney McKay: True, but I didn't do it.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: How did they contact the ship so far out?
Dr. Rodney McKay: I have no idea. Teyla, what do you think?
Teyla Emmagan: It is possible that a group of them acting together could communicate over much larger distances.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Well, live and learn.
Dr. Rodney McKay: And live some more, hopefully.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: What about the fail-safe device? What kind of kill zone are we looking at?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Everything within a three-mile radius is toast.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You sure about that? We've got no margin for error here.
Dr. Rodney McKay: The blast radius doesn't just stop at three miles.

Teyla Emmagan: What about the ones that are still human?
Ronon Dex: There's nothing we can do for them.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, I suppose we could not incinerate them.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: How are you doing with the weapons?
Dr. Rodney McKay: We couldn't hit the side of a barn.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Hive ships are a hundred times bigger...
Dr. Rodney McKay: A giant flying barn, we couldn't hit that.

"Stargate: Atlantis: Hide and Seek (#1.2)" (2004)
Dr. Rodney McKay: [to the mouse] Got your eye on anyone?
Carson Beckett M. D.: Umm, not really.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Actually I was talking to the mouse. But now that you mention it, some of those Athosian women are pretty hot, and we DID just save them from the Wraith, so we gotta trade on that while we can. You know, before they discover that we're not actually that cool.

Dr. Peter Grodin: I'm thinking, Mr. Invincible!
Carson Beckett M. D.: Captain Untouchable!
Dr. Peter Grodin: [both laugh] Ooh, that's good!
Dr. Rodney McKay: You guys done?
Carson Beckett M. D.: I've been working on this gene therapy for months, forgive me for wanting to celebrate the fact that it worked on the first human trial!
Dr. Rodney McKay: [sarcastic] Oooh, Let's all have a toast!

Dr. Peter Grodin: If both codes are properly entered the Naquada generator will overload. It will take thirty seconds.
Lt. Aiden Ford: You sure it'll do enough damage?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Ever seen a 20 kiloton nuclear explosion?
Major John Sheppard: I have.
Major John Sheppard: [everyone stares, he shrugs] Not up close.

Dr. Rodney McKay: Hit me.
[Grodin hits him, but a force shield stops him]
Dr. Peter Grodin: Ow, God!
Dr. Rodney McKay: You didn't have to swing so hard, and notice he didn't even hesitate.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: I'm still trying to understand how you thought it was a good idea to test this device by having someone throw you off a balcony.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, believe me, that's not the first thing we tried.
Major John Sheppard: I shot him. In the leg!
Dr. Rodney McKay: I'm invulnerable!
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Aren't you the one who's always spouting off about how proper and careful scientific procedure must be adhered to?
Dr. Rodney McKay: [singing] Invulnerable.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Alright, take it off. Let's go have this meeting.
Dr. Rodney McKay: You're just jealous.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Oh yes, green with envy!

Carson Beckett M. D.: This may be more serious than I suspected.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Why, thank you! I'm hungry already. What am I going to do? If I don't get this stupid thing off, I'll be dead by the end of the day.
Carson Beckett M. D.: Relax. You can live three or four days without water.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yeah, I'm talking about food!
Carson Beckett M. D.: Well, you found some Ancient text with the device. What did it say about taking it off?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, yeah, there were some explicit instructions which I chose to completely ignore!
Dr. Peter Grodin: Well, some Ancient technology uses a mental component for operation.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Just shut up. I'm thinking.
Dr. Peter Grodin: Is there any chance that the gene therapy isn't permanent?
Carson Beckett M. D.: It's possible.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I'm a dead man.

Carson Beckett M. D.: He fainted.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, there's gotta be a better word!
Carson Beckett M. D.: Faint is the proper medical term.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I passed out from... manly hunger.
Major John Sheppard: Well, hang in there.
[He turns his radio on]
Major John Sheppard: Doctor Weir, this is Sheppard. Uh, McKay's OK. He, uh, he fainted.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, yes, very sympathetic! Let's all mock the dying man! Thank you!

Dr. Rodney McKay: If this thing feeds on energy we could be in big trouble, and when I say we, I mean you because I won't actually be around for much longer.

Dr. Rodney McKay: This is a bad idea.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: You said that already.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, it's worth saying again.

Dr. Rodney McKay: [opening his eyes] What happened?
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: You did it.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I did?
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: It went through the Gate.
Major John Sheppard: You must have passed out.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh. Well, thanks for not saying the other thing.

"Stargate: Atlantis: Trinity (#2.6)" (2005)
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Best case scenario?
Dr. Rodney McKay: I win a Nobel Prize.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Worst case scenario?
Dr. Rodney McKay: We tear a hole in the fabric of the universe... which is much less likely to happen than the Nobel Prize. I mean, look, the risks are nothing compared to the potential benefits. Elizabeth will listen to you. I have never asked this of you before, but I think I've earned it. Trust me.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir: [via radio] Rodney, I cannot afford to lose either one of you. Now tell me: can you do this?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yes.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Are you sure?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yes?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Are you sure you're sure?
Dr. Rodney McKay: I said yes!
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Because if you're wrong...
Dr. Rodney McKay: I'm not!
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [to his radio] I'll call you back after the test - how does that sound?
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: [via radio] You'd better.
Dr. Rodney McKay: [to John] I won't let you down.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Alright, that's it. We're outta here.
Dr. Rodney McKay: It's not safe! The weapon's firing at random targets above the planet. This is the safest place to be right now.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: The place isn't gonna be safe for very much longer!
Dr. Rodney McKay: I can bring it back under control! Just give me a second!
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: No, you can't!
Dr. Rodney McKay: Just one second!
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I've seen this before, Rodney: pilots who wouldn't eject when something went wrong - trying to fix their planes right until it hit the ground.
Dr. Rodney McKay: OK, we need to leave. I've waited too long - the weapon can't discharge enough power to avoid a catastrophic overload. This whole planet's gonna go up. Not that your speech wasn't working.

Dr. Rodney McKay: You need to avoid flying predictably to prevent the weapon from locking onto us.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I know what I'm doing.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I'm just saying: be sure not to fly in a straight line.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Rodney, shut up!
Dr. Rodney McKay: Can I just say there's no way the Jumper can take even one direct hit?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I'll keep that in mind.

Dr. Rodney McKay: [to John] Don't you understand? This explosion is gonna take out three quarters of the solar system. There's no way we can fly far enough or fast enough. We have to head for the Gate.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir: ...putting your life and other people's lives at risk. You destroyed three quarters of a solar system!
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, five sixths. It's not an exact science.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Rodney, can you give your ego a rest for one second?

Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, Colonel! Colonel! I've been looking all over for you.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I heard.
[folds with arms as he turns back to face Rodney]
Dr. Rodney McKay: I suppose I deserve that. Look, I just, um, I wanted to apologise about what happened. I was wrong - I'm sorry. And I wanted to assure you that, uh, I intend not being right again - about everything, effective immediately.
[John smiles slightly]
Dr. Rodney McKay: That was a joke.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Good one.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I've already apologised to Elizabeth... and Radek... and I thanked Colonel Caldwell for, uh, caring enough to spy on the experiment from orbit. I sent him a nice little email, actually. But I saved you 'til last 'cause, um, honestly, I would... I would hate to think that recent events might have permanently dimmed your faith in my abilities, or your trust. At the very least, I hope I can earn that back.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: That may take a while.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I see.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: But, I'm sure you can do it, if you really wanna try.
[they both smile]

[explaining an energy weapon to Sheppard]
Dr. Rodney McKay: The sticking point is that, ah, there is no tie between the power generator and the primary capacitor.
Dr. Zelenka: Meaning that they would have to channel the power directly into the weapon.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Which I'm sure that means nothing to you.
Maj. John Sheppard: It means they could fire multiple bursts without having to store more power for the next firing sequence.
Dr. Rodney McKay: [surprised] Yes... very good.
Maj. John Sheppard: Which leads me back to 'cool'!

"Stargate SG-1: The Pegasus Project (#10.3)" (2006)
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: If he speaks again, I'll shoot him.
[Sam mouths 'Thank you']
Dr. Daniel Jackson: But to answer your question, we are introducing another stargate into the equation. Teal'c should have it in position right now.
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: If we can make a connection between that gate, and one from the Pegasus galaxy...
Dr. Rodney McKay: You're gonna try and make a jump.
[to John]
Dr. Rodney McKay: Don't shoot me. You know I can't help myself.

Dr. Rodney McKay: I am just saying, the yield calculations can be extremely tricky if not borderline impossible. You may need me.
Vala Mal Doran: [giggles awkwardly] Colonel Carter said as much.
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: Ooh... we weren't gonna tell him that.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Listen, if McKay gives you a hard time, just...
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Shoot him.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Also, he's mortally allergic to citrus.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Really?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [pulls out a lemon] I keep one with me at all times. It's just a comfort to know... it's there.
[tosses it to Cameron]
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: That's good intel, thanks.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Yeah.
Dr. Rodney McKay: [laughs] That's a - that's a - that's a good one. We're actually, uh, we're-we're quite close.

Dr. Rodney McKay: I just wanted to thank you for being there for me recently in a time of great personal need. Well, actually, you weren't there - I was alone in the dark - but, um, um, you know, it sure seemed like you were.
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: Are you telling me one of your fantasies?
Dr. Rodney McKay: No, it was an hallucination. Look, I had a concussion, I was trapped in the back of a sinking jumper, and my mind conjured you up as a means of survival. It's just what you would do in my situation. It saved my life.
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: Okay, well, that's... sort of nice.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Hmm, yes, it was.
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: [beat] Was I naked?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Partially.

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Is that thing cool or what?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Hmm.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: The black hole.
Dr. Rodney McKay: What you're looking at is called the accretion disk. It's matter trapped in the gravity well. You can't actually *see* the black hole itself.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Which is cool.

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Where's McKay?
Dr. Rodney McKay: I'm here. One of your crew wouldn't let me finish my sandwich in the corridor.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Oh, the nerve of that crewman, huh?

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: You know, Sam, this is not the Rodney McKay I heard stories about.
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: I know.
Dr. Rodney McKay: What stories? What have you heard?
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Well, for starters, that you didn't know the meaning of the word 'impossible'.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, I certainly know the meaning...
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: And that under threat of impending death, you could work miracles.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I suppose Sheppard told you that?
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Yes, he did.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yes, well it's all true. But I'm not under the threat of impending death, and I don't have a ...
[Cameron threatens him with a lemon]
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Not yet. Keep it up.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well... I'll see what I can come up with then.

"Stargate: Atlantis: Inferno (#2.19)" (2006)
Maj. John Sheppard: That ship in the hangar... Maybe McKay can fix it.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, maybe I can fix it, place the pressure squarely on my shoulders for a change!
Maj. John Sheppard: Well, I've discovered you're pretty good under the threat of impending death!
[McKay pauses, clears throat]
Dr. Rodney McKay: ...I am, actually.
[McKay runs off to the fix the ship]

Dr. Rodney McKay: The long range scanners: that's just what we call them.
Maj. John Sheppard: It's from an old TV show...
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yes, yes.

Dr. Rodney McKay: ...And, I've uh, discovered the ships name... It's the, um, Hipapheralkus.
Maj. John Sheppard: The what?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yeah, well it appears to have been named after an Ancient general... Hipapheralkus.
Maj. John Sheppard: Well, we're not calling it that!
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh good, then what about, um...
Maj. John Sheppard: -And we're not calling it the Enterprise, either!
Dr. Rodney McKay: I wasn't gonna say that! Look, for my second choice, though, I'd go with, um...
Maj. John Sheppard: How about we name it later?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Fine.

Dr. Rodney McKay: It's plenty of time to open a hyperspace window.
[pause]
Dr. Rodney McKay: What? That's my plan. Didn't I tell you about that?
Dr. Carson Beckett: No.
Maj. John Sheppard: No, you didn't.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, you were too busy running around looking for people.

Dr. Rodney McKay: I have a very firm grasp of Ancient technology.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You've blown up entire planets, Rodney.
Dr. Rodney McKay: That wasn't my fault!

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: We don't have time to wait for the Daedelus. How are those engines coming?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Not even close.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Well then I guess we're all going to die.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, you're doing that on purpose.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: What?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Creating an impossible task that my ego will force me to overcome.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Yes, yes, that's exactly what I'm doing. It has nothing at all to do with saving the lives these people, it's all about you. Get your ass back to work and FIX THOSE DAMN ENGINES!

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: So your plan is to not blow a hole in the hangar but to sit here and wait for this cataclysmic eruption to take place.
Dr. Rodney McKay: With the shields and inertial dampeners at full strength, yes.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I think I may be missing something. Correct me if I'm wrong, but when the volcano erupts, don't we as well?
Dr. Rodney McKay: That's the plan.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: That's the plan?
Dr. Rodney McKay: That's the plan!
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: That plan sucks!
Dr. Carson Beckett: Aye!
Dr. Rodney McKay: This ship will be ejected along with the magma and steam several thousand feet into the air.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: The ship can survive that?
Dr. Rodney McKay: For exactly 4.1 seconds, yes. Look, the hangar should disintegrate. The moment we're clear, we open a brief hyperspace window, jump to space before the explosion depletes our shields and incinerates us, hmm?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [Nervously] OK.
Dr. Rodney McKay: What?
Dr. Carson Beckett: Very clever, Rodney.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well don't thank me until it works... which it probably won't.

"Stargate: Atlantis: Grace Under Pressure (#2.14)" (2005)
Dr. Rodney McKay: Look, if you're not going to help then just swim on by!

Captain Griffin: So, let me ask you something. As a scientist, does it bother you that most of your work, no matter how brilliant, will eventually be considered misguided? 'Cause that would bother me.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I'm sorry?
Captain Griffin: Well, given enough time, everything's pretty much proven wrong, right?
Dr. Rodney McKay: No.
Captain Griffin: Everything from the Earth being flat, to the sun revolving around us.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, if you wanna go back hundreds of years!

Captain Griffin: Columbus was Spanish - he figured out the Earth was round.
Dr. Rodney McKay: He was Italian.
Captain Griffin: So I wonder what it is that makes Spaniards so good at debunking bad science? You're not Spanish, are you?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, yes! Of the Barcelona McKays! Now, if you don't mind...

Dr. Rodney McKay: [to the sea monster] Oh, see, pal. Sorry you don't get to eat me today.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: He's the reason we found you.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Really?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Almost thought we lost you.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I knew you'd think of something... subconsciously, at least.

Lieutenant Colonel Samantha Carter: The way I see it, you're scared. You're a little panicked, you're a lot lonely. You knew you could use some help, so your subconscious is manifesting the one person you know is smarter than you.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, I don't think so!
Lieutenant Colonel Samantha Carter: Oh, don't start with me, McKay!
Dr. Rodney McKay: You are very clever, I will even give you brilliant; but there is brilliant, and then there's me.
Lieutenant Colonel Samantha Carter: Every time we've worked together you've been wrong and I've been right.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Even if that were true, and no-one is saying that it is, the fact that you could assert...
Lieutenant Colonel Samantha Carter: Why else would I be here?
Dr. Rodney McKay: I don't know. Maybe one last romp before I die?
Lieutenant Colonel Samantha Carter: One last romp? Please, we never...
Dr. Rodney McKay: Okay, one first romp but it's romping that comes to mind, not your brains, blondie. Now you've got to admit I am a handsome man...
Lieutenant Colonel Samantha Carter: You're essentially arguing with yourself.

Dr. Rodney McKay: We make a good team, you and I.
Lieutenant Colonel Samantha Carter: Suuure...
Dr. Rodney McKay: No, I mean it. I really enjoy working with you. Always. I wonder why we never hooked up.
Lieutenant Colonel Samantha Carter: Well aside form the fact you're petty, arrogant and treat people badly?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yes?
Lieutenant Colonel Samantha Carter: No, that's pretty much it. Petty, arrogant, bad with people.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, but you find me attractive? Physically?
Lieutenant Colonel Samantha Carter: Stick to working on my idea.
Dr. Rodney McKay: But this is my idea.
Lieutenant Colonel Samantha Carter: How do you figure?
Dr. Rodney McKay: You don't exist. You think what my subconscious tells you to think. So really the idea was mine. Oh, wow. I'm arguing with myself about who had an idea first, me or me. I really am petty, aren't I?
Lieutenant Colonel Samantha Carter: And arrogant and bad with people, yes.

Lieutenant Colonel Samantha Carter: [McKay kisses Carter] You do realise what you're actually doing, right?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh come on! You're a figment of my imagination. The least you could do is take your top off.
Lieutenant Colonel Samantha Carter: Your subconscious mind knows I would never be into that.
Dr. Rodney McKay: You are the worst hallucination ever.

"Stargate: Atlantis: Condemned (#2.5)" (2005)
Dr. Rodney McKay: I prefer lethal injection, although I do have a fondness for the electric chair. Call me romantic.

Teyla Emmagan: Do you kill all your violent criminals on Earth?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Certain countries, yes.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Do we need to get into this right now?

Maj. John Sheppard: How much time do you need to rework the D.H.D.?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, in a perfect world, two days.
Maj. John Sheppard: Rodney!
Dr. Rodney McKay: Right now - ten minutes, give or take.

Torrell: I could kill you, but you strike me as the type of man who despite being weak outside harbors strength of character he doesn't even know he has.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I'm sorry, is there a compliment in there?

Eldon: The technology on this ship is far more advanced than the Olesians.
Dr. Rodney McKay: How ironic then to have been shot down by the cast of Braveheart.

Dr. Rodney McKay: What am I? MacGyver? Fix it with what?

"Stargate: Atlantis: Submersion (#3.18)" (2007)
Ronon Dex: If we don't find anything out here, this is gonna be your last known location.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, zing!

Dr. Rodney McKay: [talking about wraith cruiser's command console] It's not accepting commands of any kind. There must be some kind of a command code that needs to be entered.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Can you figure it out?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yes, well, the command codes used are quite simple like the number 1 or the letter A, like in Wraith, which would be ...
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Can you figure out the code or not?
Dr. Rodney McKay: No, not if I stood here and tried for a million years...
[looks at his wristwatch]
Dr. Rodney McKay: ... and we have just under a million years less than that.

Dr. Rodney McKay: You should be able to traverse the distance between here and the cruiser.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You mean *we*.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Um, yes, of course. We

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You're breathing too hard.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, forgive me for being aware of exactly how much pressure is being exerted on this suit right now.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Just think of it as a walk on the beach - a beach that's about to explode.
Dr. Rodney McKay: That's supposed to make me feel better?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: No, it's supposed to make you walk faster. We're on the clock here.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Hey, that took too long.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yeah, well, I probably won't be able to disarm the self-destruct in time anyway, so we're really not in a rush.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Why don't we find it first, and *then* you can be negative?
Dr. Rodney McKay: The ship is remarkably preserved.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You'd think after ten thousand years, she'd want to redecorate.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I'm serious. The hull damage is minimal. They probably just lost their main drive.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You're saying this thing is salvageable?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Hmm, I'd have to assess damage to primary systems but it's not completely out of the question. Of course, you'd probably just go and blow it up or slam it into a hive ship or something, and all that work'd be for nothing.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Tick, tick, tick.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Well, you're a hell of a swimmer, I'll give you that.
Wraith Queen: You have restored power?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: It'll fly.
Wraith Queen: [the Queen disables the self-destruct device] You shall be rewarded... with a quick death.
Dr. Rodney McKay: [Rodney appears and shoots the Queen] She's not dying according to plan here!
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [John shoots her and the Queen falls onto the ground. John meets Rodney] I thought you'd forgotten about me!
Dr. Rodney McKay: Of course not! I just had to wait for her to disable the device. Hey, just be thankful she didn't feed on you before she entered the command code.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Oh, *that's* why you didn't wanna be bait!
Dr. Rodney McKay: No-no-no-no. *You* had to be bait because she was expecting you to be the one trying to fly the ship.
Dr. Rodney McKay: [Rodney looks at the Queen, who is lying on the floor] She *is* dead, right?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Let's get outta here.

"Stargate: Atlantis: The Tower (#2.15)" (2005)
Dr. Rodney McKay: If we're hoping these people have something to trade, we are wasting our time. From the looks of it, they barely have enough food to feed themselves; and their technology...
[showing a scythe]
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, let's just say that this about sums it up, huh?
Teyla Emmagan: Establishing good relations with our neighbours is not just about trade.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Right, but do we need to make friends with every primitive agrarian society in the Pegasus galaxy?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Alright, that's enough. They can't all be planets with cool technology and open-minded women.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I don't see why not!

Teyla Emmagan: We have a problem. They took Colonel Sheppard.
Dr. Rodney McKay: What? Who did?
Teyla Emmagan: Soldiers from the Tower. They confiscated our weapons.
Dr. Rodney McKay: What, and you let them?
Teyla Emmagan: We didn't exactly have much of a choice.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Alright. I'm on my way back.

Baldric: What do you intend to do with it?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Blow a hole straight up to the surface, assuming I can get it to fly in a straight line. I've never actually done anything like this before.
Baldric: What'll happen if you succeed?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, two possibilities. Either we create a nice sturdy shaft that will give us some much-needed air and provide a big enough gap for the radio signal to get through, or it will bring the already unsteady ceiling down on us, burying us both alive.
Baldric: I prefer to imagine the first possibility.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yes, yes, the power of positive thinking. Very good. While you do that, I will rely on my experience and expertise.
Baldric: You said you'd never done this before.
Dr. Rodney McKay: General expertise. Will you be quiet while I do this?

Baldric: I can't believe that worked!
Dr. Rodney McKay: What happened to positive thinking?
Baldric: I lied.

Dr. Rodney McKay: If I can find the ZPM, then we can shut these people down whenever we want. Without the Drone Chair, they're just a bunch of primitive thugs with axes and knives.
Dr. Carson Beckett: Axes and knives can cause damage, Rodney!
Dr. Rodney McKay: You know what I mean.

"Stargate: Atlantis: Runner (#2.3)" (2005)
Maj. John Sheppard: It almost smells like I'm on vacation.
Dr. Rodney McKay: [putting on sunscreen lotion] Could it be the simulated tropical aroma of cocoa butter?
Maj. John Sheppard: Strong enough for anyone within five miles to smell you.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Like they haven't been tipped off by the Aqua Velva.
Maj. John Sheppard: It's dark.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yeah, well the sun will be up in 2 hours, 43 minutes and... 10 seconds.
Maj. John Sheppard: It's raining.
Dr. Rodney McKay: So we'll be cold and miserable. Look, the cloud cover will depreciate a small percentage of UV rays but 95 per cent of deadly is still dearly.
Major Lorne: Dr Parrish said a day or two of exposure wasn't going to kill us.
Dr. Rodney McKay: And Dr Parrish has a PhD in what? Right, botany!

Major Lorne: Wow, you must really be some kind of genius.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, as a matter of fact I... eh, wait a minute, why would you say that now?
Major Lorne: Something has to have kept Colonel Sheppard from shooting you all this time.

Dr. Rodney McKay: What kind of special training do you guys have to go through to get this sort of mission?
Major Lorne: You guys?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yeah, you know... Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines. It's a great place to start.
Major Lorne: And by "this mission" you mean hunting down a skilled weapons expert hopped up on Wraith drugs in the pitch black of an alien planet?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yes.
Major Lorne: Actually, I skipped that course in Major School.

Major Lorne: I was hoping Lieutenant Ford might recognize a friendly face and just turn himself in.
Dr. Rodney McKay: What, you mean me?
Major Lorne: Well you were friends, weren't you?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh yeah, when we weren't out on harrowing missions we used to hang out together. I'd share my dreams of a self-sustaining fusion and he would talk of how you could sever a man's torso with a P90.

Dr. Rodney McKay: By my calculation we have been exposed to 327 millisieverts since the sun came up. May not sound like much to you, but I've been keeping a running tally of my lifetime exposure to radiation. X-rays, cellphones, plane rides, the whole unfortunate Genii nuclear reactor thing. My God, last week we flew dangerously close to the corona of a sun. As it is I may have to forgo reproducing.
Major Lorne: Yeah, it's funny. I was just thinking that might be wise.

"Stargate: Atlantis: Doppelganger (#4.4)" (2007)
Dr. Jennifer Keller: Have you had any nightmares lately?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Not a night goes by. Last night I dreamt that Colonel Carter invited me to her quarters for dinner.
Teyla Emmagan: Maybe you shouldn't be telling us this, Rodney.
Dr. Jennifer Keller: Yeah, I said nightmare, not delusional male fantasy.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Wait and listen. Turns out she was serving lemon chicken. I mean, lemon, and the only reason she invited me to dinner was to tell me she was promoting Zelenka over me.
Ronon Dex: That's it?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Then I was eaten by a whale. Don't ask how that happened.

Ronon Dex: [Ronon is hacking through a jungle] What are we doing?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Exploring the Pegasus galaxy. It's what we do.
Ronon Dex: You know what I mean.
Teyla Emmagan: There certainly doesn't appear to be anything here that would help in our fight against the Wraith or the Replicators.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Come on, you guys kill me. Planets are huge, you know!
Ronon Dex: Yeah, and usually you're the one complaining.
Teyla Emmagan: Yes, this enthusiasm is most unlike you, Rodney.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I'm turning over a new leaf.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: We did the standard flyover in the Jumper, scanning for life signs. Nothing.
Dr. Rodney McKay: You can't fly around for ten minutes and decide there's nothing here.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Yes I can!

Dr. Jennifer Keller: [Keller is describing her nightmare] It was terrifying. There you were with this disgusting alien bug crawling out of your stomach, and Colonel Sheppard was acting like it was the coolest thing he'd ever seen.
Ronon Dex: That sounds like that movie.
Dr. Jennifer Keller: Yeah, Alien. Have you seen it?
Teyla Emmagan: Colonel Sheppard speaks of it often.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I still remember the first time I saw it. Certainly did not think it was cool.
Dr. Jennifer Keller: One time in med school, I made the mistake of confiding to my partner in biology class that it had caused my all-time worst nightmares. He actually planted a live snake inside a cadaver I was working on.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, I never saw it as a kid. I knew from the poster it was gonna be too scary. I was 16 when a neighbourhood theatre had a horror revival festival. I thought, great... date, movie. So... Jocelyn Rutger, third period science. Bit of a geek, but she had a great, um... Anyway, you know how girls get all, uh, scared, curl up on your shoulder?
Teyla Emmagan: Your planet has some truly strange rituals.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Anyway, I eat when I get nervous.
Ronon Dex: Really? I hadn't noticed.
Dr. Rodney McKay: So, very tense, working like a charm. Jocelyn's all freaked out beside me. I'm packing away the Goobers and the popcorn. And then the alien bursts out of John Hurt.
Teyla Emmagan: You didn't?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Puked all over her.
Ronon Dex: I have *got* to see this movie!

Dr. Jennifer Keller: Have you had any nightmares recently?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Not a night goes by! Last night I dreamed that Colonel Carter invited me to her quarters for dinner...
Teyla Emmagan: Maybe you shouldn't be telling us this, Rodney.
Dr. Jennifer Keller: Yeah, I said "nightmare" not "delusional male fantasy".

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Looks like ones of those toys you played with as a kid.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Commodore 64?
Ronon Dex: Triple-barrel shotgun?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: A kaleidoscope.

"Stargate: Atlantis: Allies (#2.20)" (2006)
Wraith Scientist: Without your help, this damage may have been irreparable.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Ah, finally an alien race that appreciates me!

[last lines]
Wraith Scientist: I see you have awakened.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Really? I was sort of hoping this was just a nightmare.
Ronon Dex: Why aren't we dead?
Wraith Scientist: The Queen wants you to live long enough to witness the fruits of your labour. If it wasn't for you, Doctor McKay, we would never have been able to get there.
Dr. Rodney McKay: What are you talking about? Get where?
Wraith Scientist: Earth.

Dr. Rodney McKay: Getting this ship up and running in under a month is a miracle.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Do we start the beatification now or later?

Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Rodney, if the hive opens up on us, I want Orion's drones.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Which means we're gonna need the hyperdrive to get in position.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Which means we'll need shields, which means you want everything!
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I like everything. Can we do it or not?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, don't get up. Shields... yes. Jump to position... mmmmaybe. Release the drones... probably not.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Well, it's pointless to get in position if we can't fire.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Y'know, let's talk about it for a really long time. That'll help for sure.

Dr. Rodney McKay: Huh, some pretty interesting stuff, eh? I think I've learned more about Wraith technology in the last hour than I have in the past two years.
[Hermoid ignores McKay]
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh come on, I understand you're an Asgard and everything, but even you've gotta feel a bit of an adrenaline buzz.
Hermiod: My body does not possess the adrenal gland that produces epinephrine in your system. And even if I did, I would not be as easily impressed.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I get it, I get it. You think you're smarter than I am.

"Stargate: Atlantis: Underground (#1.7)" (2004)
Dr. Rodney McKay: Maybe we should offer a sense of humour in trade.
Maj. John Sheppard: Sure. They can have yours.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, Major. My side. You slay me.

Dr. Rodney McKay: You do realise that long term exposure to these levels of radiation is extremely dangerous?
Cowen: Our scientists tell me otherwise.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, they're wrong.
Maj. John Sheppard: [nervously, to Rodney] Are we in danger now?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, it would take days or weeks at these levels of radiation, but I assume the Genii spend days or weeks down here?
Cowen: Many of our people have spent their entire lives here.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Their entire short lives.
[to John]
Dr. Rodney McKay: We'll be fine, just as long as you weren't planning on having children.

Dr. Rodney McKay: You know, if people could just learn to keep their secret underground hatches locked...

Dr. Rodney McKay: What is it you said they grow here anyway?
Teyla Emmagan: Many things, but they are best known for a bean known as Tava.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Java?
Maj. John Sheppard: Ta-va!

Maj. John Sheppard: You know how to make an A bomb?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Major, most of my high school chess team could design an A bomb.

"Stargate: Atlantis: The Game (#3.15)" (2006)
Dr. Rodney McKay: Let me ask you a question. Say there's a runaway train. It's hurtling out of control towards ten people standing in the middle of the tracks. The only way to save those people is to flip a switch - send the train down another set of tracks. The only problem is there is a baby in the middle of those tracks.
Teyla Emmagan: Why would anyone leave a baby in harm's way like that?
Dr. Rodney McKay: I don't know. That's not the point. Look, it's an ethical dilemma. Look, Katie Brown brought it up over dinner the other night. The question is: is it appropriate to divert the train and kill the one baby to save the ten people?
Ronon Dex: Wouldn't the people just see the train coming and move?
Dr. Rodney McKay: No. No, they wouldn't see it.
Ronon Dex: Why not?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well... Look, I dunno. Say they're blind.
Teyla Emmagan: *All* of them?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yes, all of them.
Ronon Dex: Then why don't you just call out and tell them to move out of the way?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, because they can't hear you.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: What, they're deaf too?
[Rodney throws him a look]
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: How fast is the train going?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Look, the speed doesn't matter!
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Well, sure it does. If it's goin' slow enough, you could outrun it and shove everyone to the side.
Ronon Dex: Or better yet, go get the baby.
Dr. Rodney McKay: For God's sake! I was just trying to...

Dr. Elizabeth Weir: How the hell did your face get on that flag?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Uh, I don't know. Here's the thing, though: that flag's very similar to the one I designed in our game.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: It's *exactly* like the one you designed in our game.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: What game?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: The game Rodney and I have been playing.
Dr. Rodney McKay: We didn't tell you about the game?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: We've been playing for a while now.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yeah, off and on in our spare time, you know - at night, between missions, uh... I could have sworn we told you about it?

Dr. Rodney McKay: Hey, don't start. I tried to negotiate with you.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Making a list of demands and not giving anything in return is not negotiating.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I offered you an entire crop of beans.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I don't need beans. I need lumber.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, right - to build defensive fortifications for your army, which he doubled in size, by the way. Surprise, surprise.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I only did that after you started cheating.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I did *not* cheat.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: He's giving his people *way* too much technology for their level of development. I'm not the only one increasing my army, by the way.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I had to do something to protect the people of Geldar from you.
Ronon Dex: Geldar?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: The name of Rodney's country. He named it after a girl he stalked in college.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I did *not* stalk her. We dated twice. Teresa Geldar - a very cute blonde. I always used to think her name reminded me of some kind of a mythological land: the Kingdom of Geldar.
Teyla Emmagan: [to Sheppard] What did you call *your* country?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Well, I just kept the name it already had.

Dr. Rodney McKay: Don't worry about it. They'll work it out. Look, we just happened to catch them at a particularly bad time. Sheppard's guy's been doing a lot of aggressive posturing of late.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: The only aggression is coming from the people of Gelding.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Geldar.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Whatever.
[to Elizabeth]
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: His people are digging a mine across the border into Hallona.
Dr. Rodney McKay: The coal resources straddle the border between my country and his.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Barely! They go three miles into my country - which your people are happily tunnelling into.
Dr. Rodney McKay: It has been a point of contention between us, OK, but it is just a difference in cartographic interpretation. Tomayto. Tomahto.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: No, no, it's pretty clear cut. *You* entered illegally into *my* country.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Gentlemen.
Dr. Rodney McKay: [to John] You gave me no choice! You refused to negotiate!
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You mean give in.
Dr. Rodney McKay: What do you care anyway? It's not like your people were gonna use the coal!
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Oh, yeah, that's right. You need it to power your medieval steam engines.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: These are not your lands. This game is over, so you'd better set aside your differences, because if the two of you can't figure out how to forge a truce, how the hell are these people going to?

"Stargate: Atlantis: Irresponsible (#3.13)" (2006)
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: My childhood hero was Evel Knievel.
Teyla Emmagan: Was he not evil?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: No, it was just his name. He was a daredevil - which isn't kind of a devil. He just jumped motorcycles over things.
Ronon Dex: Why?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Just because. Didn't always make it either.
Teyla Emmagan: And you greatly admired this behaviour?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: No, I just - look at least my hero is human. McKay's is Batman.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Hmm. Misunderstood and unappreciated by many, because his most formidable weapon was the power of his brilliant mind. Not just a hero - a superhero.

Dr. Rodney McKay: [points at self] We're the good guys.

Dr. Carson Beckett: Rodney you're not trying to dig your way out of here, are you?
Dr. Rodney McKay: See if you can find another spoon. Someone helping; this'll go twice as fast.

Dr. Carson Beckett: Nobody gets hurt. That's my vote, and my heartfelt recommendation.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You want to hide.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, we could call it strategic concealment.

"Stargate: Atlantis: The Defiant One (#1.11)" (2004)
Dr. Rodney McKay: Major!
Major John Sheppard: McKay!
Dr. Rodney McKay: What do I do now?
Major John Sheppard: Keep firing everything you've got!

Major John Sheppard: Thanks.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yeah, you too. You OK?
Major John Sheppard: Other than this and a few cracked ribs. What about Gall?
Dr. Rodney McKay: No.
Major John Sheppard: We'll have to put the ship back together, provided you can disarm the shield.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Fine. As long as we get to go home.
Major John Sheppard: You can drive.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, thank you!

Dr. Rodney McKay: Major, what the hell was that?
Major John Sheppard: I almost blew myself up!
Dr. Rodney McKay: What?
Major John Sheppard: Stay off the radio, I'm busy!

Major John Sheppard: Son of a bitch beat me to it. He's fast.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Then you should get back here.
Major John Sheppard: Negative.
Dr. Rodney McKay: There's no point being out there...
Major John Sheppard: He's aboard my ship.
Dr. Rodney McKay: What are you, Captain Kirk?

"Stargate: Atlantis: Miller's Crossing (#4.9)" (2007)
[after being captured and brought to a high-tech lab]
Dr. Rodney McKay: What is this? Some kind of lab?
Jeanie Miller: Well that's some great detective work Nancy Drew!

Dr. Rodney McKay: I'm really sorry about all this.
Jeanie Miller: Oh, I am going to hold this over your head for... forever.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh. That's totally fair.
Jeanie Miller: Like, you're going to eat a lot of vegetarian food.
[chuckles]
Jeanie Miller: And not complain about it.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Sure, sure.
Jeanie Miller: And you're going to read Madison three stories instead of her usual two.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Alright.
Jeanie Miller: You're going to buy me a car.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Let's not get out of control here.
Jeanie Miller: You almost got me killed, that's at least a car. A nice one. Hybrid.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yeah, well, we'll talk about it on the way home.
Jeanie Miller: Home. That sounds great.
[she pauses, then hugs McKay]
Jeanie Miller: I love you.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yeah.
[Jeanie looks at him, waiting; he responds quickly, as if it is obvious]
Dr. Rodney McKay: I love you too.

Dr. Rodney McKay: Say, you and I are about even when it comes to looks, right?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Who's been lying to you?
Dr. Rodney McKay: No, I'm serious.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I am, too. Who's been lying to you?

Dr. Radek Zelenka: Rodney, we're stuck. We've been stuck for ten hours. Just ask her for help, please.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I'm not stuck.
Dr. Radek Zelenka: The last time we had a block like this she helped us through it, right?
Dr. Rodney McKay: That was something completely different.
Dr. Radek Zelenka: I cannot sit here waiting for you to have an epiphany! I'm losing the will to live!

"Stargate: Atlantis: Epiphany (#2.12)" (2005)
Dr. Rodney McKay: [as he turns towards Shepard] What is it with you and Ascended women?

Dr. Rodney McKay: Okay, then, any volunteers?
Maj. John Sheppard: I'll go.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Just back out if you encounter anything problematic.
Maj. John Sheppard: Problematic?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yeah, like, uh, poisonous atmosphere, acid atmosphere, no atmosphere.

Dr. Rodney McKay: Tape it to the stick, we extend the camera through, record for a few minutes, pull it back, play the record.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Yeah, "MALP on a Stick".

Dr. Carson Beckett: So part of his body is experiencing time at a different pace than the other? Who knows what that could do to him?
Dr. Rodney McKay: I have no idea but I suspect he could use a doctor.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: So you don't even know if he's alive?
Dr. Rodney McKay: The most time-efficient approach was to assume that he's alive but stranded.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Then why not assume that he can make his own way back through the portal?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Because Colonel Shepppard would have already had hours to try to make it back through the portal in the time I wasted explaining the situation to Conan and Xena.

"Stargate: Atlantis: The Ark (#3.16)" (2007)
Dr. Rodney McKay: Just - can I say one more thing?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: As long as you say it as fast as you can.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Don't do this. It's impossible.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Willing to bet a week's wages on that?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yeah, how're you gonna pay up if I win, huh?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Thanks for caring.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yeah.

Dr. Rodney McKay: We're gonna lose radio contact as you pass through the atmosphere.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I know, Rodney.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I'm saying that if you have anything that you'd like to say, now would be a good time to say...
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: No, not really.

Dr. Rodney McKay: If anyone's counting, we have another problem. I can't seal the compartments between us 'cause one of the hatches won't shut.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: What's wrong with it?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Looks like the entire bulkhead was twisted when Sammy Suicide decided to fire up his rocket ship!

Dr. Rodney McKay: I figured it would be nice if we were all together as we burn up.
Maj. John Sheppard: McKay.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I'm sorry, I mean as we get rescued. I always get those two confused.

"Stargate: Atlantis: The Gift (#1.17)" (2005)
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: You were right.
Dr. Carson Beckett: Lovely! About what?
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Your theory of the Wraith evolving after the Ancients arrived in Pegasus galaxy...
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, you're kidding me!
Dr. Radek Zelenka: Pay up.
Dr. Carson Beckett: How d'you know?
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: The Wraith language... It's a derivative of Ancient.

Major John Sheppard: You're saying Teyla's part-Wraith?
Dr. Carson Beckett: A very small part.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Which makes her about as different from us as you, because of the Ancient gene you possess.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, and some other things!

Dr. Carson Beckett: My theory is that the Ancients unwittingly allowed humans to evolve on a planet with, uh, insect species on it. At some point the insects fed on humans and somehow incorporated our DNA into theirs. The Wraith are an evolution of that combination.
Lt. Aiden Ford: So what you're saying is the Ancients actually created the Wraith?
Dr. Carson Beckett: By accident.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Or negligence.

"Stargate: Atlantis: Duet (#2.4)" (2005)
Dr. Carson Beckett: You have a date, Rodney? With a woman?
Dr. Rodney McKay: It is simply two adults sharing some friendly... yes, with a woman!

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Lieutenant, way to survive what I think may be my worst nightmare.
Lt. Laura Cadman: Thank you, sir!
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yes, thank you!
[John smiles at Rodney sarcastically]

Dr. Rodney McKay: I'm not crazy, I just have another consciousness in my brain.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: So he just looks crazy.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I'm sure I do but only because Dr Fumbles McStupid over here was in way of his head!
Dr. Radek Zelenka: Yes, yes. I made a mistake trying to save your life! Now, do you want try to fix it or do you want to continue to berate me some more?
Dr. Rodney McKay: I am perfectly capable of doing both at the same time!

"Stargate: Atlantis: Before I Sleep (#1.14)" (2004)
Lt. Aiden Ford: Is time travel even possible?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, according to Einstein's general theory of relativity there's nothing in the laws of physics to prevent it. Extremely difficult to achieve, mind you. You need the technology to manipulate black holes to create wormholes not only through points in space, but time.
Major John Sheppard: Not to mention a really nice DeLorean.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Don't even get me started on that movie.
Major John Sheppard: I like that movie.

Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, it's obvious. The puddle jumper that they escaped in must have been some sort of a time machine. Had to have an additional component.
Major John Sheppard: Flux capacitor.
Dr. Rodney McKay: [short pause] Yeah.

Teyla Emmagan: Some sort of laboratory.
Dr. Rodney McKay: We've come across dozens of those, the city's full of them. Something unusual about it?
Major John Sheppard: [finds someone in suspended animation] I'd have to say... yes.

"Stargate: Atlantis: Coup D'etat (#2.17)" (2006)
Dr. Rodney McKay: You know, I'm not sure that you've sufficiently trained me in actual combat. I-I-I don't know how much use I'd be in a fight-our-way-out kind of scenario.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Well, I look at it this way: the Genii have tried to kidnap you on numerous occasions to mine that big old brain of yours.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yes.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Well, if we get into trouble, I'll just trade your life for mine.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, funny.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Don't worry: if you survive, I'll mount some sort of rescue mission... eventually.

Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, that was refreshing! He didn't try to kill us even once!

Dr. Rodney McKay: What the hell happened?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: We got gassed.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Are we in some sort of trouble?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Was it the gas or the prison cell that was your first clue?

"Stargate: Atlantis: First Strike (#3.20)" (2007)
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: So we can assume the Replicators are behind this.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, I hope so.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: You *hope* so?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, otherwise, we've discovered yet *another* super-powerful enemy.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Well, I guess it's showtime.
Dr. Rodney McKay: You sure you can do this?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Fly the city?
Dr. Rodney McKay: What else could I possibly be talking about?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I flew a V22 Osprey once.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Was it as big as a city?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Well, you had to use your hands and feet with that one. This one, you just have to sit down and think... Fly.
Dr. Rodney McKay: OK, why don't you just get in the Chair and start your pre-flight?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [McKay and Zelenka are staring at their computers in silence] Should't you guys be bickering or something?
Dr. Rodney McKay: We've got nothing to bicker about. He's run out of bad ideas... finally.

"Stargate: Atlantis: Vengeance (#3.19)" (2007)
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [after an explosion] Everyone OK?
Teyla Emmagan: Yes.
Ronon Dex: I'm good.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I think you singed my eyebrows! D'you think you used enough dynamite there, Butch?

Dr. Rodney McKay: What does he looks like now? I mean, is he, is he full-on Wraith again?
Teyla Emmagan: Not quite. There are still human characteristics present in him. No doubt it's why I was confused when I first felt his presence.
Dr. Rodney McKay: You'd think that the human side of him would temper his aggression a bit.
Teyla Emmagan: Yes, because we humans aren't aggressive at all.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, certainly less aggressive than, uh... Oh, sarcasm. Yeah. Nice.
Teyla Emmagan: What Michael is doing right now must be stopped. He cannot be allowed to escape. He's far too dangerous.
Dr. Rodney McKay: You're preaching to the choir, my dear.
Teyla Emmagan: But I understand his anger. His life has been destroyed. He no longer has a home or a family.
Dr. Rodney McKay: He had a family?
Teyla Emmagan: I don't know, but I've often wondered what he left behind when he was captured by us. We know nothing of his past other than that he was a Wraith.
Dr. Rodney McKay: A very *smart* Wraith.
Teyla Emmagan: Perhaps he was a scientist.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Huh. Sure. Probably. Why not? One of their very best, I'd wager.
Teyla Emmagan: Like you.

Dr. Rodney McKay: Think ya used enough dynamite there, Butch?

"Stargate: Atlantis: Vegas (#5.19)" (2008)
Dr. Rodney McKay: Thank you for your co-operation, Detective. If you think of anything else...
[hands him a card]
Dr. Rodney McKay: ... call me at this number.
Detective John Sheppard: If he's not finished yet, why'd he stop hiding the bodies?
Dr. Rodney McKay: I don't know. Over-confidence that he can't be caught?
Detective John Sheppard: He left money behind.
Dr. Rodney McKay: How much?
Detective John Sheppard: A few thousand.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Not enough to worry about, I guess.
Detective John Sheppard: That's it? You're just gonna let me go?
Dr. Rodney McKay: That field medic - the one you defied orders to go back and try and rescue. You knew her personally. You were... involved.
Detective John Sheppard: Yeah, you know everything.
Dr. Rodney McKay: It was a hard choice. Certainly you didn't intend things to go as badly as they did. Things just don't always go the way we plan. We know where to find you.
[Sheppard turns and starts to walk towards the car]
Dr. Rodney McKay: Detective.
[Sheppard stops and turns back as McKay approaches him again]
Dr. Rodney McKay: Remember when I told you I once met another version of you?
Detective John Sheppard: Yeah.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I know you'll probably think this sounds ridiculous, but a little while ago we accidentally opened a rift in space/time - went through to an alternate version of reality. It was very similar to ours in many ways. We met a team much like the one I work with, only you were the leader. You were a hero, saved the world several times over.
Detective John Sheppard: [smiling bitterly] Doesn't sound much like me.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I don't think there's much difference between you and that other John Sheppard I met. It's amazing how one incident can entirely alter the course of your life. Still, I like to believe you have the same strength of character. That's why I told you the truth.
[turns and starts to walk away. Sheppard calls after him]
Detective John Sheppard: What do you want me to say?
Dr. Rodney McKay: [over his shoulder] For now, nothing.

Dr. Radek Zelenka: You are such a child!
Dr. Rodney McKay: And yet I am still smarter than you!

Dr. Radek Zelenka: [Discussing a fugitive Wraith] He could have abandoned whatever resources he had and just gone into hiding.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh yes, he probably got a job as a Klingon at Star Trek: The Experience.
Richard Woolsey: That shut down.
Dr. Radek Zelenka: Really? Damn, I wanted to see that.

"Stargate: Atlantis: Aurora (#2.9)" (2005)
[Sheppard and McKay whisper while spying on a Wraith in disguise]
Maj. John Sheppard: That's her!
Dr. Rodney McKay: That's the Wraith?
Maj. John Sheppard: Yeah.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Wow... She's hot! I mean seriously hot!
Maj. John Sheppard: Rodney, you're drooling over a Wraith!
Dr. Rodney McKay: I know, I... disgust myself sometimes.

Dr. Rodney McKay: You see, the thing is, Col. Sheppard and I have sorta gotten into this habit of saving each others' lives and it's my turn.
[pause]
Dr. Rodney McKay: [to Teyla and Ronon] It can be your turn next.

Teyla Emmagan: Rodney, between the two of you, if something were to go wrong, which would be the greater loss?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, I've never thought of it that way but... She's right. You should go.
[Sheppard glares]

"Stargate: Atlantis: Be All My Sins Remember'd (#4.11)" (2008)
Colonel Steven Caldwell: [Colonels of both earth ships beam into the control room of atlantis. To Ellis] Colonel.
Colonel Abe Ellis: [to Caldwell] Colonel.
Colonel Steven Caldwell: [to Samantha] Colonel.
Colonel Samantha Carter: [to both] Colonels.
Colonel Abe Ellis: [to Sheppard] Colonel.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [to both] Colonels.
Dr. Rodney McKay: What, seriously?

Todd the Wraith: [talking about replicators] they are a very complex and ingenious design.
Dr. Rodney McKay: yeah well. I thought I was ingenious-er.
[looks at Todd]
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yes I know it's not a word, Mr... helpful

Dr. Rodney McKay: Did I ever tell you about the time I once got a damaged Ancient hyperdrive system online moments before me and my crew were incinerated by a supervolcano?
Todd the Wraith: Yes, you have.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, there you go. See? I work best under pressure.
Todd the Wraith: Then perhaps I should threaten to feed on you if you do not complete the coding in time.

"Stargate: Atlantis: The Intruder (#2.2)" (2005)
Hermiod: What are you doing?
Dr. Rodney McKay: I'm just checking something; I'm sure it is impossible...
Dr. Rodney McKay: Crap.
Hermiod: What did you do?
Dr. Rodney McKay: I just ran it through a translation program. It's Wraith.
Hermiod: Crap indeed.

Dr. Rodney McKay: You know, I've never actually been inside one of these before today. It's a little, uh, cramped, huh?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Just relax, Rodney. We're safe... for the moment.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Great. Quick question, though, just out of curiosity: how much, uh, air do these things carry?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Lots.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Uh, I'm just saying, because if this doesn't work, we'll have to go over the whole plan and who knows how long we could get stuck in here, and, and, so it-it-it would...
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You know what, Rodney? You're exactly right. It's a limited supply, so why don't we conserve it by you not talking? At all.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: He's making a break for the coronasphere.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Would it be good to mention that we have less protection in this ship than we did on the Daedalus?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Not really.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I don't think so.

"Stargate SG-1: The Road Not Taken (#10.13)" (2007)
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: The Rodney McKay I know wouldn't back down from a challenge. He is one of the most forthright, courageous, and selfless men I have ever met.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Hm.
[pause]
Dr. Rodney McKay: Aw, you're makin' that up, aren't you?
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: Most of it, yeah.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Eh, okay. I'll help you.

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: The Rodney I know is a master of subtle persuasion.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Hm.
[pause]
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, you're lying again, aren't you?

Dr. Rodney McKay: How can I help you?
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: Well, this is going to come as a bit of a shock, but I'm not who you think I am.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh my God, you're a lesbian! Is that what you're trying to tell me?

"Stargate SG-1: Redemption: Part 2 (#6.2)" (2002)
Dr. Rodney McKay: Why wait? Why does the guy show up a day-and-a-half after this all starts to do his whole "Prepare to meet your doom" thing?
Major Samantha Carter: I don't know. Maybe he wanted to make sure it was gonna work.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yeah, that would be embarrassing, wouldn't it? "Nothing can stop the destruction that I bring upon you!" Then the gate shuts down. "Oops, sorry. Never mind."

Major Samantha Carter: [incredulously] So what? We call Anubis up and *ask* him to stop?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yeah. "Hey, Anubis. This is your agent. You're playing it way over the top. Can you get serious, please?"

"Stargate: Atlantis: Poisoning the Well (#1.6)" (2004)
Carson Beckett M. D.: Converting the human body into energy and sending it millions of lightyears through a wormhole. Bloody insanity!
Dr. Rodney McKay: Come on, how often do you get to travel to an alien planet?
Carson Beckett M. D.: I was already on an alien planet!

Carson Beckett M. D.: It's not that I mind lending people a hand...
Maj. John Sheppard: No, of course not.
Dr. Rodney McKay: You're a generous man, Carson.
Carson Beckett M. D.: But it's the principle of the thing, isn't it? You can't go volunteering someone for something without consulting them first. That's not even volunteering, is it? It's being pressed into service. Not to mention the fact I'm not...
Maj. John Sheppard: ...military and I can't give you orders. I know.
Dr. Rodney McKay: No, he just doesn't like going through the Stargate.
Maj. John Sheppard: He's worse than Dr McCoy.
Teyla Emmagan: Who?
Maj. John Sheppard: The TV character that Dr Beckett plays in real life.

"Stargate: Atlantis: The Siege: Part 3 (#2.1)" (2005)
Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.: What are our options?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, let me see - we have slow death, quick death, painful death, cold lonely death...

Col. Steven Caldwell: Can we submerge the city again?
Dr. Rodney McKay: It's a city, not a yo-yo.

"Stargate: Atlantis: Home (#1.8)" (2004)
Dr. Rodney McKay: We're talking about a lot of energy here.
Maj. John Sheppard: How much is a lot?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well in terms of joules or ergs?
Maj. John Sheppard: In terms of... lots.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Lots... and lots.

Dr. Rodney McKay: Let me see if I can make you understand, okay? these results don't just say the Zed-p.m. won't work, they say this reality isn't governed by any natural laws. It's like looking through a microscope at a cell culture and seeing a thousand dancing hamsters.

"Stargate: Atlantis: The Storm (#1.9)" (2004)
Dr. Rodney McKay: [the team is trying to come up with a solution to a problem while being very short on time] You're right. If only we had a magical tool that could slow down time. I foolishly left mine on Earth - did you bring yours?
Dr. Radek Zelenka: You know, you're not pleasant when you're like this, McKay.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I'm always like this.
Dr. Radek Zelenka: My point exactly.

Maj. John Sheppard: McKay will come up with something.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I will try, but despite what you all may think, I am not Superman.
[Sheppard looks around]
Maj. John Sheppard: Was anyone seriously thinking that?
[Weir, Teyla and the other scientist shake their heads 'No']
Lt. Aiden Ford, USMC: No sir.
Dr. Zelenka: Never.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Fine.

"Stargate: Atlantis: Reunion (#4.3)" (2007)
Ronon Dex: I hear you're in charge.
Colonel Samantha Carter: [somewhat confused, glances from McKay to Ronan]
Dr. Rodney McKay: Ah... Ronan, this is Colonel Carter. Sam, this is Ronan, he's...
Colonel Samantha Carter: Satedan.
[walking around desk to be closer to them]
Colonel Samantha Carter: And... a member of your team, of course. What can I do for you?
Ronon Dex: Uh, I wanna bring some friends to Atlantis and apparently I've gotta clear it through you first.
Colonel Samantha Carter: Unfortunately, some new security procedures prevent me from allowing any off-world visits to Atlantis for the time being.
Ronon Dex: Under whose authority?
Colonel Samantha Carter: [beginning to feel challenged] It was a directive from the IOA.
Ronon Dex: Well they don't need to know.
Dr. Rodney McKay: [somewhat in scolding way, attempting to intervene on Carter's behalf] Ronan, she's uh...
Colonel Samantha Carter: [holds up hand to stop McKay] I'm sure you understand what a precarious position we're in here. It is imperative that the location of this base remains a secret.
Ronon Dex: And it will. They're my people, I'll vouch for them.
Colonel Samantha Carter: [with a sigh] I'm sure you can. But for now, we're on a new planet with a new set of rules.
Ronon Dex: And a new person in charge.
[takes a few steps toward Carter, so he is just close enough to intimidate]
Ronon Dex: Weir never would have doubted me.
Colonel Samantha Carter: [small laugh and a sigh] Okay, first of all, Ronan, I'm not doubting you. These new regulations apply to everyone on this base. And secondly,
[pause]
Colonel Samantha Carter: I'm not Dr. Weir.
[Ronan walks away, leaving Carter a little stunned; she turns to McKay]
Colonel Samantha Carter: Wow. Is he always like that?
Dr. Rodney McKay: No. No,
[nodding with a sigh]
Dr. Rodney McKay: uh, actually, you... you caught him on a good day.

Colonel Samantha Carter: [genuinely welcoming] Hey, Rodney, come on in.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Ah. I brought you a
[pointing to flowers in his hand]
Dr. Rodney McKay: little something to spruce up the place.
Colonel Samantha Carter: Well thank you, that's very sweet. There's a... a vase right there.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Hmm.
[watches her walk off, then turns and sees the fruit basket he was going to give her]
Colonel Samantha Carter: [sees he is looking at the fruit basket and points to it] Oh, uh, Col. Sheppard dropped that off.
[as she unpacks further]
Colonel Samantha Carter: Apparently, it's a sampling of fruit from the home worlds of our various trading partners.
Dr. Rodney McKay: [looking somewhat confused] Hm.
Colonel Samantha Carter: I thought it was a really thoughtful gesture.
Dr. Rodney McKay: [under his breath] Son of a...
[drops flowers into vase unceremoniously, then turns with a smile]
Dr. Rodney McKay: Anyway, look, I just, uh, came by to, uh, welcome you to Atlantis, see how you're settling in, and... uh... see if you needed anything, and... uh... did I mention I was seeing someone.
Colonel Samantha Carter: [somewhat baffled, but with little outward change of face] I'm sorry, what?
Dr. Rodney McKay: I'm, uh, seeing someone. Yeah. I- I- I only bring it up now, because you're here... now... and we'll be working together a lot more, and... uh... you know, I- I just thought... with our past...
Colonel Samantha Carter: [confused] Our... past...?
Dr. Rodney McKay: You know, the unrequited lust that's been hanging over our heads for what seems like forever...
[self-conscious laugh]
Colonel Samantha Carter: [with an argumentative tone, shaking her head in disbelief] Rodney...
Dr. Rodney McKay: You know, I just don't want things to be awkward between the two of us, you know, uh...
[pauses and shifts eyes]
Dr. Rodney McKay: Kind of like they are now.
Colonel Samantha Carter: [frustrated sigh] Rodney,
[pauses]
Colonel Samantha Carter: I'm sure we'll be fine.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, of course, I just...
[gestures to self]
Dr. Rodney McKay: I'll be fine, I'm just...
[gestures to Carter]
Dr. Rodney McKay: with you...
[Ronan walks in, interrupting and saving him]

"Stargate: Atlantis: The Lost Boys (#2.10)" (2005)
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Rodney.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Look, maybe you are on the enzyme. Maybe Ford lied, because no rational person would think that was a good plan.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Look, a million things can go wrong, I know that, but just... look, stop! Shut up and listen. You fix that Dart - we all get outta here. I know it's risky but Ford's not thinkin' straight. So...
Dr. Rodney McKay: What are you talking about?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I'll insist you're all on the away team. I'll scoop you up and instead of flying out to the hive ship, we fly out to Atlantis.
Dr. Rodney McKay: How?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: That Dart's gotta have its own DHD, right?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Of course.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Well, then, get that thing fly-worthy, we all go home!
Dr. Rodney McKay: Right, of course. Now, you see, I would have thought of that myself before I became a drug addict.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I'm sure you would have.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I'm sorry.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: It's alright.
[John pats Rodney comfortingly on his arm]
Dr. Rodney McKay: OK.

Dr. Rodney McKay: Couldn't we have met these people on a tropical beach planet populated by tall blonde women?

"Stargate: Atlantis: Sanctuary (#1.13)" (2004)
Dr. Rodney McKay: Word of caution? The whole Captain Kirk routine is problematic to say the least, let alone morally dubious.
Major John Sheppard: What routine?
Dr. Rodney McKay: The romancing of the alien priestess? It's very 1967 of you. Actually, I'm surprised...
Major John Sheppard: [interrupting Rodney] If and when anything I do becomes your business...
Dr. Rodney McKay: It becomes my business, Major, when an alien woman who is clearly not who she claims to be has the ranking military officer wrapped around her little finger!
Major John Sheppard: Don't go there, McKay.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I'm sorry - I know I'm not normally Mr Sensitive, but you gotta believe me when I say there is something about her. I know it's intangible but I can feel it.
Major John Sheppard: I said don't go there!
Dr. Rodney McKay: It's just a matter of time before I prove it, Major. I'm just recommending that in the meantime you keep your...
[Chaya Sar appears and he shuts up]

Chaya Sar: I am what you call an Ancient and it is also true that I can never offer your people sanctuary. But you are wrong about as to why I came here.
Major John Sheppard: Why did you come here?
Chaya Sar: You, John.
Major John Sheppard: Me?
Chaya Sar: I have lived in solitude for so long that when you asked me to come to Atlantis, I...
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh my god, he is Kirk!

"Stargate: Atlantis: The Eye (#1.10)" (2004)
Dr. Rodney McKay: [to Kolya] I don't know if you noticed or not but I'm an extremely arrogant man who tends to think all of his plans will work.

Dr. Rodney McKay: [Kolya is holding him by the edge of one of Atlantis' balconies] Trust me, I'm not that brave. I would help you if I could.

"Stargate: Atlantis: Thirty Eight Minutes (#1.3)" (2004)
Dr. Rodney McKay: If you know of some way of manually retracting the mechanism...
Maj. John Sheppard: In the cockpit, on the left.
Dr. Rodney McKay: The cockpit is regrettably demolecularised at the moment.

Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, if you'll excuse me, I'll be a foot and a half over there taking some readings. Feel free to talk amongst yourselves.

"Stargate: Atlantis: Brain Storm (#5.16)" (2008)
Dr. McKay: Hey, I'm Dr. Rodney McKay, all right? "Difficult" takes a few seconds; "impossible," a few minutes.

"Stargate: Atlantis: Search and Rescue (#5.1)" (2008)
[when Teyla is in labor with her son]
Teyla Emmagan: You need to catch him!
Dr. Rodney McKay: What!?
Teyla Emmagan: You need to catch him, when I push him out!!!
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, God. Just, under hand him okay, I've never been good at baseball.

"Stargate: Atlantis: Critical Mass (#2.13)" (2005)
Dr. Rodney McKay: Elizabeth is including intel about infighting amongst the Wraith in today's status report.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Let's hope that trend continues. If they keep fighting like this, I'd be able to take a weekend off.

"Stargate: Atlantis: The Prodigal (#5.14)" (2008)
Dr. Rodney McKay: That's Atlantis' self destruct. Michael's gonna blow up the city.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: How much time do we have?
Dr. Rodney McKay: He set it for 10 minutes.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: How much time do you need before you get those drones working?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, if I can get them working at all, a lot more than 10 minutes.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: All right, forget about it.
Dr. Rodney McKay: What are you doing?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I'm flying the Jumper. I'm crashing it into the tower.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Crash it?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Look, it is our best chance of taking out Michael's Jumper.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Not to mention taking out yourself!
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I have crashed Jumpers into the tower before!

"Stargate: Atlantis: The Brotherhood (#1.15)" (2005)
Maj. John Sheppard: [the team are being forced to try to solve a puzzle one after another and an incorrect answer kills the one solving it] Two heads think better than one.
Dr. Rodney McKay: That's a common misconception.
Maj. John Sheppard: Give me a gun and I'll shoot him myself.

"Stargate SG-1: 48 Hours (#5.14)" (2001)
Dr. Rodney McKay: I wish I didn't find you so attractive. I've always had a real weakness for dumb blondes.
Major Samantha Carter: Go suck a lemon.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Very sexy. Very, very sexy.

"Stargate: Atlantis: Trio (#4.16)" (2008)
Dr. Rodney McKay: I'd like to take a bath in whatever magical ointment they just put on my hands, because they're the only thing that doesn't hurt. It's not going to scar, is it?
Dr. Jennifer Keller: Chicks dig scars.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Not the chicks I dig.

"Stargate: Atlantis: The Siege: Part 2 (#1.19)" (2005)
Dr. Carson Beckett: You wanted to see me Rodney?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yes yes. I need something to keep me awake.
Dr. Radek Zelenka: Yeah, me too.
Dr. Carson Beckett: I've already given you something.
Dr. Rodney McKay: [irritated] Yeah? Well we're building nuclear bombs here. Staying awake is sort of a prerequisite.

"Stargate: Atlantis: Hot Zone (#1.12)" (2004)
Dr. Radek Zelenka: 7,549.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, please. Prime. 4,021.
Dr. Radek Zelenka: Uh, nice try try. Not prime. OK, Lt. Ford, 599.
Lt. Aiden Ford: I don't care if it's a prime number or not.
Dr. Radek Zelenka: Come on. Yes or no?
Lt. Aiden Ford: No.
Dr. Radek Zelenka: [laughs] It's incredible. 10 for 10.
Dr. Rodney McKay: He is terrible.
Lt. Aiden Ford: So I suck at prime/not prime. Somehow I'm going to sleep tonight.
Dr. Radek Zelenka: At this point, it's gone way beyond not knowing your prime numbers.
Dr. Rodney McKay: It's a true/false game. Statistically, just by guessing, you should be getting at least half of these right. Look, 993.
Lt. Aiden Ford: Prime.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, come on. That's an easy one. Are you hearing this, Hays?
Hays: Not really. I guess I've been too busy doing my job.

"Stargate: Atlantis: Harmony (#4.14)" (2008)
Dr. Rodney McKay: You gonna eat your power bar?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Yes, Rodney. Told you, shouldn't have eaten yours so early in the day.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I'm starving! Usually Flora feeds us some sort of food when we visit. Come on, you hardly ever eat yours.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: No, Rodney!
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, will you give it to me later when you decide you're not gonna eat it?
Harmony: You allow him to question you so incessantly?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I guess I'm just used to it by now.
Harmony: Would it not be easier to beat him?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: We don't beat people where we come from.
Harmony: Why not?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Well, we find it's not very effective in the long run... unfortunately.

"Stargate: Atlantis: Travelers (#4.5)" (2007)
Dr. Rodney McKay: Just once, I'd like to be taken prisoner by the sexy alien.

"Stargate: Atlantis: Childhood's End (#1.5)" (2004)
[the sensors have discovered a powerful energy field]
Major John Sheppard: Do you think it's worth checking out?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Any significant energy emission generally indicates technological civilisation.
Major John Sheppard: So... you think it's worth checking out?
Dr. Rodney McKay: [sarcastically] I'm sorry. Yes. Energy field good.

"Stargate: Atlantis: The Last Man (#4.20)" (2008)
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You're telling me I just travelled 48,000 years into the future in ten seconds?
Dr. Rodney McKay: I know. It's kind of cool when you think about it, isn't it?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Surfing a thirty foot wave in Waimei is cool. Dating a supermodel is cool. This is not cool!

"Stargate: Atlantis: Quarantine (#4.13)" (2008)
Dr. Rodney McKay: One must always be on guard, you know, always looking out for the potholes. Now, you can call me a catastrophist, but it's a necessary burden I bear.
Dr. Katie Brown: A mindset like that and a person would live in a constant state of worry and fear.
Dr. Rodney McKay: You forgot despair.

"Stargate: Atlantis: The Long Goodbye (#2.16)" (2006)
Ronon Dex: So people just sit and watch this box for hours at a time?
Maj. John Sheppard: Yeah, people do.
Teyla Emmagan: Is it that engaging?
Maj. John Sheppard: Depends what's on it. There are lots of programs on dozens of channels, every day, all day.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Most of which are fictional representations of ridiculously attractive people in absurd situations
Maj. John Sheppard: There are educational programmes, all sorts of documentaries. Not many people watch 'em but, uh, well, they're on.
Ronon Dex: And that's what everybody on your planet does for entertainment? Watch a box?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Not everyone -- although I will confess to the occasional half hour of 'Jeopardy'.
Ronon Dex: Jeopardy?
Dr. Rodney McKay: It's the name of the show -- 'Jeopardy'.
Ronon Dex: Sounds dangerous.
Maj. John Sheppard: Double Jeopardy -- that's twice as dangerous

"Stargate: Atlantis: This Mortal Coil (#4.10)" (2007)
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Do we know what the problem is?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yeah, the Gate's not working.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I think we figured that much last week when you broke it.

"Stargate: Atlantis: Suspicion (#1.4)" (2004)
Dr. Rodney McKay: [Talking about food rations] We have to make do. If that means you have to eat my favorite food two days in a row, so be it.
Dr. Zelenka: You enjoy military rations?
Dr. Rodney McKay: I know, it's weird, hospital food too. Only reason I don't like airplane food is you can't get seconds.

"Stargate: Atlantis: The Siege: Part 1 (#1.18)" (2005)
Dr. Rodney McKay: I'm not sure I can fix this.
Dr. Peter Grodin: You can fix anything.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Who told you that?
Dr. Peter Grodin: You did. On several occasions.

"Stargate SG-1: Moebius: Part 2 (#8.20)" (2005)
Dr. Rodney McKay: [to Hammond] I give this no more than a 50/50 chance of working.
Lieutenant General George Hammond: According to the tape, it worked for eight years.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Hm.
Daniel Jackson: [wormhole is established] Wow.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, I'm certainly glad it's not me going through that... um... thing.
Jack O'Neill: Any idea what to expect?
Sam Carter: Not really. According to the tape, we're going to be de-molecularized, transmitted over two thousand light-years through subspace, and then, uh, remolecularized on the other side.
Major Charles Kawalsky: I did not need to know that.
Jack O'Neill: OK.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Gateship 1, you're go for launch.
Jack O'Neill: Gate ship?
Daniel Jackson: [with hand gesture] Well, it's a ship that goes through the gate.
Jack O'Neill: [somewhat reluctantly] Alright.
Dr. Rodney McKay: [to Hammond] What? It's a ship that goes through the gate. Gateship.
[pause]
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, I thought it was clever.

"Stargate: Atlantis: First Contact (#5.10)" (2008)
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Look, they stripped us of everything but the clothing on our backs and surrounded us with laser walls. I'm not sure how much play we have here.
Dr. Rodney McKay: We've got one thing going for us, at least.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: What's that?
Dr. Rodney McKay: We're not dead yet.

"Stargate: Atlantis: Instinct (#2.7)" (2005)
Dr. Rodney McKay: What?
Boy: Is it true? You're going to hunt the Deimos?
Dr. Rodney McKay: It looks that way.
Boy: I heard it has two heads, and can turn you to stone just by looking at you!
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, you heard wrong.
Boy: My uncle says it'll come and take me if I don't do my chores.
Dr. Rodney McKay: He said that, huh? Well then, if we get rid of it, you've got nothing to worry about. You'll never have to do chores ever again.
Boy: Really?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yes. Look... go away!

"Stargate: Atlantis: Michael (#2.18)" (2006)
Dr. Rodney McKay: Hey, what happened to the, uhm, to the blue jello? My favourite - all of a sudden it's off the menu. What gives?